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Well, that was fast...

Old 02-20-2010, 06:15 PM
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Well, that was fast...

I bought a bottle of wine an hour ago and just poured the last of it in to my glass, and was disappointed to the extent I almost cried. Wow. Seriously? This is my life?

There are only two things in life I really love to do and drinking is one. Dancing is the other. I only discovered my passion for dancing a year ago when I took my first ballroom dance lesson, in fact it won't be a year until April 15th. It's the only thing I want to do, it's the only thing I love, it's the only time I'm ever happy while sober. And I can't afford my lessons because I spend most of the money I have left over after bills on alcohol.

I lost my job for the second time in the past year, so now I'm living off the money my parents give me, while I try to sell or give away most of my stuff and move back to my parents house. I'm only 24 (25 in 2 months, that is just a scary age to me, like when you go from being a kid to being an adult) but I am not where I envisioned I would be by this time... I should have a solid career, but I think I may have chosen the wrong career path. I only discovered my one true passion a year ago and I can't do the one thing that I am passionate about, because it happens to be a rather expensive hobby.

So anyway last night I decided I wasn't going to drink anymore, so I poured out the last of the vodka I had and all day today I kept telling myself... you can be so much stronger than this, you don't need that stuff in your life, you're killing yourself, you're wasting your life... But I literally feel numb and paralyzed and empty when I'm not drinking, like I don't care about anything. My conviction to quit only lasted a day and here I am again finishing another bottle of wine. I am so frustrated I don't even know what else to say. How many more times will I say "no more" only to fall right back in to this?
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Old 02-20-2010, 06:43 PM
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CarolD gave me some great advice. I will stay sober only when I want to be sober more than I want to drink. Have you thought about the help you might get from AA, or counseling with an addiction specialist? There are many ways to stay sober but all of them take effort on your part. The effort is so worth the rewards tho!
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Old 02-20-2010, 07:32 PM
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That's the thing... Being drunk always outweighs my desire to be sober, always. Always.
When I move back home I will try to work with the therapist I'd beem seeing though I don't know how much she knows about this particular topic.
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Old 02-20-2010, 07:34 PM
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Welcome fascination! You ask how many times will you say "no more" and then continue drinking. For me, it was hundreds of times. I was in my 40's when I started to seriously question what I was doing to myself. Be glad that you're younger & are seeing the light now. Hopefully with minimal damage done.

The feeling numb, paralyzed & empty when not drinking will change as you banish the poison from your life and begin healing. At first it does feel strange because you've convinced yourself it's all you have to look forward to. This can be changed - you can learn to live again in a new and healthy way. Keep sharing your story with us - you'll feel better each time you write down your thoughts.
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Old 02-20-2010, 07:46 PM
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Welcome

It was hundreds of times for me too fascination.

I drank past the enjoyment and the love of drinking, into years where I had to drink, and I nearly ended up dead.

Don't be as dumb as me. You have a chance to change yr course now before it's too late. Do it

D
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Old 02-20-2010, 08:42 PM
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Sounds like you're reaching out because there's a part of you that does want to quit because otherwise why would you be posting here at all. You have to reach deep within and decide that you want to live more then you want to drink. Drinking seemed to be a friend to me, but then I crossed this invisible line and the friendship ended and it was totally dragging me down with it. Addiction is horrible, but it can be severed. You have to find your way. You can do it through a lot of different methods if you are ready. There is AA, rehab, SR, therapy, but you have to want it more then you want to drink. There is a voice inside you that is going to get louder about wanting to quit. Listen to that voice. Glad you posted.
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Old 02-20-2010, 08:59 PM
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Hi Fascination,
I am new to this forum but alot of what you are feeling is true to me too, i alway's started a new day with 'never again' and saying that I would give myself a few days off and then I just never did, it was too esay to just go back and have another drink.. there is always a way however, get help and do the quitting with support, I am 14 days free of alcahol ( without any support) and I wish that I had found this forum earlier and I am sure that the lovely people here will help you! Quitting on your own is scary but it can be done and you are young enough that there can and I am sure will be life after alcahol!
I wish you all the best!!
P
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Old 02-21-2010, 12:18 AM
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"Being drunk always outweighs my desire to be sober, always."

Fascination, I understand, I used alcohol to create a feeling of happiness. You asked how many times you will hold a debate with yourself ("no more"). My answer to that is however many times I did it between the age of 20 and 41. Other people will tell you much longer spans of time, still others way less time. I share similarities to that range of people.

Congratulate yourself on the steps you take and keep an open mind. Check what people here say. When you stop (now or if you stop again the future), give yourself enough time off the drinking to compare how you feel between sober periods and drinking ones and take inventory of what is going on in your life. Just a suggestion from me.
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Old 02-21-2010, 02:06 AM
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Welcome to our recovery community

Have you thought about doing a Pro and Con list
about your drinking? What problems has my drinking
caused me.....then....What benefits am I getting from alcohol.

Hope you can find your way into a sober healthier future
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Old 02-21-2010, 03:36 AM
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the feelings of numbness and depression will pass over time....
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Old 02-21-2010, 04:36 AM
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You gotta get that window of oppurtunity where you say NO MORE. You have then gotta make the absolute commitment to stay sober at all costs.

IMO this involves total and utter acceptance that you are an alcoholic or you're wasting your time.

Involves the acceptance that unless you actively work a 'programme' of recovery in some form then your alcoholic mind will get you drinking again.

Keeping sober is hard work at times to be honest, you also have to accept this. It can be very tedious at times, especially being 25 (I got sober at 23 and now am 24). You have to accept that your sobriety has to be NO1 priority in your life, otherwise you will be right back to square 1 again.

When you see all the smiley, happy people out on a Friday/Saturday night in city bars/pubs/clubs you have to have absolute acceptance that for you those smiley, happy times are a fairytale-tale and that you're an alcoholic so there is no such thing of a nice, civil happy time drinking with pals again. EVER.

You will have to change your life and embrace 'recovery' from alcoholism as your main priority in life, everything else will naturally fall in place around it.

But most of all you have to want to be sober more than you want to get wasted. Sometimes you will feel like the reverse of this but if you have made a commitment to sobriety then you don't drink at all costs 'just for today'. That is all you need to do.

With time your compulsion and desire to want to get wasted will vanish and you will feel totally indifferent to alcohol/drugs. I guess that is when you know that your recovery programme is doing its business. Be aware that you are only ever 1 drink away from losing everything all over again.

All The Best x
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Old 02-21-2010, 07:03 PM
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I'm not ready. Far from it.
But what needs to happen before I can be ready?
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Old 02-21-2010, 07:17 PM
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Hi Fascination,

That's up to you to decide.

I said 'No more' to myself many times before I actually made it stick. And, each time I relapsed things got worse and worse. And, I felt worse and it was harder to say 'No'. It's a horrible vicious cycle.

Please don't believe that at age 24 or 25 that you have made the wrong career choice. You can always change direction. And, if you are so passionate about dancing, why not think about pursuing that, and becoming a dance teacher. Follow your passion!
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Old 02-21-2010, 07:19 PM
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Originally Posted by fascination View Post
But what needs to happen before I can be ready?
That's different for everyone, I suppose.

I got mental help after my last relapse. With this support I was able to stop and stay sober.

I was scared enough to quit. When I was sober I wanted to die. When I was drinking I was adding to the damage of my body. I was, for the first time, noticing physical effects from years of drinking.

I was screwed either way...so I phoned my doctor and said "help".


Hang around here for a while. The support here helps.
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