fascination

I bought a bottle of wine an hour ago and just poured the last of it in to my glass, and was disappointed to the extent I almost cried. Wow. Seriously? This is my life?

There are only two things in life I really love to do and drinking is one. Dancing is the other. I only discovered my passion for dancing a year ago when I took my first ballroom dance lesson, in fact it won't be a year until April 15th. It's the only thing I want to do, it's the only thing I love, it's the only time I'm ever happy while sober. And I can't afford my lessons because I spend most of the money I have left over after bills on alcohol.

I lost my job for the second time in the past year, so now I'm living off the money my parents give me, while I try to sell or give away most of my stuff and move back to my parents house. I'm only 24 (25 in 2 months, that is just a scary age to me, like when you go from being a kid to being an adult) but I am not where I envisioned I would be by this time... I should have a solid career, but I think I may have chosen the wrong career path. I only discovered my one true passion a year ago and I can't do the one thing that I am passionate about, because it happens to be a rather expensive hobby.

So anyway last night I decided I wasn't going to drink anymore, so I poured out the last of the vodka I had and all day today I kept telling myself... you can be so much stronger than this, you don't need that stuff in your life, you're killing yourself, you're wasting your life... But I literally feel numb and paralyzed and empty when I'm not drinking, like I don't care about anything. My conviction to quit only lasted a day and here I am again finishing another bottle of wine. I am so frustrated I don't even know what else to say. How many more times will I say "no more" only to fall right back in to this?