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Not my first time at relapse..

Old 02-20-2010, 10:37 AM
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Snwbrgrl
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Not my first time at relapse..

So, I went to my first AA meeting in my town last Wed..Ive lived in this area for two years this October, so I have been meaning to go (too busy drinking) and just not wanting to do it. I had a baby a year ago this month and during my pregnancy I didn't drink at all, but as soon as I could I was back to three to four bottles of wine a week..Lately it's been a half to a full bottle a day..I have known I'm an alcoholic since about five years ago. I even self referred myself to treatment in the service, then regretted every minute of the treatment..LOL. I never really worked the program, but have had small spurts of sobriety..Then I was just a dry drunk who was miserable without my boyfriend "wine"..My husband wants me to quit. I don't think he understands it, the disease of it, and he just thinks I'm depressed or just a mean drunk..we have talked about it at length but he just listens and doesn't really know what to say..I don't blame him but sometimes I feel like I'm doing this alone. Until I go to a meeting of course. Anyway..I ramble. I'm the most dangerous kind of drunk..I stay at home and can drink as much as I want without anyone even knowing. No one really knows but my family and husband. My Mom is an Alcoholic, and so is my sister..They came to visit and we drank wine like it was going out of style..I was such a B*$% the whole time. So miserable..Anyway this is day four. Last night I wanted a bottle so bad..I told my husband I was going to get pizza! I did but then I was planning on making a stop. I called my sister and we talked about it..I made it home without the bottle. White nuckled it all the way home..I guess it's how bad I really want it, sobriety that is..Oh I went and had some tests done to see if it has started to damage my body as much as it damaging me mentally..and I had high GGT but the doctor explained I was in otherwise perfect health..I had to look up GGT because she really didn't explain it to me and it has to do with my liver..Imagine that! Well I'm off to do something else to keep my mind busy..
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Old 02-20-2010, 10:43 AM
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Good luck on the challenges that await.
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Old 02-20-2010, 10:46 AM
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Welcome to SR. Is AA helping you this time? I would say to go to all lengths to stay sober. You are a Mom and so am I. I used that title in the beginning to keep me from drinking. I have now become a person who doesn't drink because I want to be healthy and I want to live life instead of holding up in the house drinking wine. Yup! I was a wine drinker too. Took the edge off about every day around 5 pm. I drank until bedtime. I never was a mean drunk, but I could become a bit argumentative. To avoid that I would simply disappear into my bedroom when my husband came home from work and he parented our child. I am still pretty ashamed of that, but I am more then grateful for finally becoming sober and opening my eyes to real living. Its taken a long time but weekends aren't about drinking anymore. Weekends are about family time and what can I get accomplished.

I wrote this so you know you aren't alone and that in time life does gets better. You can do it my friend. Sending you loads of positive energy.
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Old 02-20-2010, 12:36 PM
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Hi and welcome to SR.
Are you going to go back to that meeting?
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Old 02-20-2010, 01:08 PM
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Welcome... Glad you are here.
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Old 02-20-2010, 02:08 PM
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I'm glad that you taking care of your health!
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Old 02-20-2010, 02:24 PM
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welcome to SR Snwbrgrl

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Old 02-20-2010, 03:47 PM
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Congrats on deciding to live sober. The rewards are many. Welcome to SR! I hope we can help you in your desire to stay sober.
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Old 02-20-2010, 04:14 PM
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Snwbrgrl
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Thanks you all...I am planning on going to a Monday night meeting (a Woman's group)..I am having issues with childcare. I have Mother's day out Tues and Thurs..My husband works in the oil field and is leaving Monday for his month away..We asked his family to watch little man for Monday night. I need more meetings but I don't know how to do it..I only really know my inlaws and I really don't want them knowing about my AA because we already have a bumpy relationship. I'm very concerned about my health and my quality of life. I used to enjoy the small things and I'm always in a fog..I don't want to live this way any longer! We have insurance so I'm thinking about maybe even doing a thirty day rehab but I bet that cost $$$~(I could go during my husbands month home?) anyway I'm figuring it out!
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Old 02-20-2010, 04:27 PM
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welcome Snwbrgrl~ you can call your insurance companay and find out exactly what they will cover and what the deductable will be. but get the information from the program first...not all of them accept insurance....can you tell your in-laws who watch the baby that you are "taking a class" a few times a week? or find a babysitter just for the meeting and leave them out of the equation entirely?

congrats on your sober time and your great decision to bypass the store last night..and you are welcome to PM me. I've been there with the wine and some other similarities.
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Old 02-21-2010, 06:03 AM
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WELCOME TO SR!

My husband wants me to quit. I don't think he understands it, the disease of it, and he just thinks I'm depressed or just a mean drunk..we have talked about it at length but he just listens and doesn't really know what to say..I don't blame him but sometimes I feel like I'm doing this alone

People who don't have this disease don't understand that it IS a disease! It's not depression, it's not that we're weak . . . Addiction/Alcoholism is recognized by the AMA as a disease. If it weren't, insurance companies would not cover treatment.

I hope that you'll stop drinking for good so you don't put your child through the same things my Son went through because of my addiction. He went through 16 years of pure hell watching me on my downward spiral. He ended up going to live with his Dad when he was about 12 or 13 because he couldn't stand watching me get high or drunk every single night. He would say to me, "Mom, don't drink tonight, please?" I never realized how much it bothered him, how much I hurt him until I had been Clean & Sober for about two years when we sat down and had a serious conversation. He saw all positive changes in me, I was going to Meetings, was in intensive outpatient treatment, I was just a totally different person once I got into Recovery. But he had a lot of hurt and pain that he needed to get out. It broke my heart to listen to him tell me how it made him feel when he'd see me drunk. He told me about so many times that I thought I was hiding it from him when he was a little guy, but he knew. He told me about just about all of my hiding places. I was so ashamed, but I've worked through these feelings while working the Steps in AA.

I hope you'll continue to post, let us know how you're doing. And if you think you need to go into treatment, I hope you will. Hang in there because it gets better, soooo much better.

God Bless,
Judy
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