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Old 02-15-2010, 08:42 PM
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I'm Sorry

I am not ready for recovery. I am sorry for me, I am sorry for my family, I am sorry for wasting the time of the good people here who have tried to help me.

I was doing well, and I just lost my way again. Guess my username really does speak for itself.

I am addicted to alcohol. My addictive voice told me that after 48 days clean, I could manage my intake. That voice was wrong. I cannot.

I cannot stop at one or two drinks. I don't even know if I want to. I am so stressed out that sometimes I think the alcohol actually makes me a better person, a more empathetic person, when it comes to dealing with situations in my family. My 3 1/2 year old son, who I love dearly, who is showing early signs of ADHD and is very hard to deal with...when I drink, I feel that I am more calm, more able to deal with him. When I do not drink, I feel that I lack that empathy towards him...that I cannot put myself in his shoes, that I cannot help him, that I am just a bitchy mom who wants him to be quiet.

I cannot deal with the guilt I have concerning my four month old daughter. She was an unplanned pregnancy and I didn't want her. I considered aborting her. When it was past the point that I could do so, I wished her to be born premature, to get her out of me. It makes me cry now to think that I did not care what happened to her, how bad it can really be when babies are born prematurely. I did not drink during either of my pregnancies, but with her I acted in every other way that I was not pregnant. It was denial on my part. As it was, she was born with a life threatening heart condition, and it was not until she was in the neonatal intensive care unit, until I could not hold her, could not feed her because she was hooked up to oxygen and all these other tubes...it was not until then that I cried, that I believed a power greater than me was holding her in its arms.

Now she is home and she is the best baby I could have ever dreamed of having. She started sleeping through the night at five weeks old. She does nothing but smile. There are still concerns about her health; I owe a lot of money to a lot of doctors who are threatening to write me off on bad debts despite the fact that I am making monthly payments to them. And there are a lot more bills to come for her specialists.

I cannot get over the guilt, because I didn't want her and now I feel that I don't deserve her. She should have been born to one of those couples out there that desperately want children and cannot conceive.

These are issues I must resolve on my own, but I am checking out for now, guys, because I am not ready, and I am of no use here. I will most likely be lurking around but I probably won't post again until I feel I have something valid to say.

I want what the long term sobriety people have. Peace in their lives. Contentment witout having to worry where the next drink will come from. I am not there yet. I don't know how to achieve that.

Sorry for the long post, and sorry to everyone, for everything. I am putting an end now to this pity party, and will sit back and listen, with my mouth shut, until I can find a way to live sober, the way I believe my life was meant to be.
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Old 02-15-2010, 08:56 PM
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Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
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Blessings to you and your childdren as you work thru this
depressing time. We are here with friendship and support.
I see no point in you falling silent with us.

mega Prayers for your healing and peace
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Old 02-15-2010, 08:58 PM
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I'm new to this and don't know if this post will be helpful or harmful but I can totally relate. I'm a single mom and sometimes think I'm a better mom when I drink because I am calmer and am not being so nit picky about everything. My youngest son was not planned and ex husband and I were in a very bad place when I found out I was pregnant. He's 6 now and his smiles are one of the best things of my day.

I'm determined to get and stay sober because I don't want my kids to continue to grow with an alcoholic mom. I'm also scared to death about what I've done to my body so far and that I will die young and leave my kids without a mom and what that would do to my daughter and son.
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Old 02-15-2010, 08:59 PM
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.Don't be sorry..
look after yourself and the family first..

..I wish you every happiness..come back soon..luv Ozboy..
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Old 02-15-2010, 09:08 PM
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LMW

You need to talk to people - isolating will only make things worse...staying here would be good for you I think...everything you've ever said is valid

I also think counselling would be an excellent idea - even speaking with your doctor - don't let events or depression or guilt overwhelm you....reach out and get help.

There are much much better ways to deal with stress or sadness than drinking....don't give up

D
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Old 02-15-2010, 09:10 PM
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Originally Posted by OZboy View Post
.Don't be sorry..
look after yourself and the family first..

..I wish you every happiness..come back soon..luv Ozboy..
But I am sorry...I can't help it. I've failed. I can't look after myself, I can't look after my family. I thank you for your warm wishes. I can't seem to find a good sponsor. Someone please just shake me until I see reason, tell me what I need to do to give myself the life both myself and my family deserve.

.
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Old 02-15-2010, 09:15 PM
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It sounds like you still know you should quit. I don't think that's failing....I think that's still looking for a way to quit.

I so wish I would have quit when my daughter was 4 months old. Would have saved both of a world of hurt.

Stick close to SR. Just keep reading AND posting.
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Old 02-15-2010, 09:29 PM
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Originally Posted by sarah78 View Post
Dear lostmyway,

First... *hugs* to you.

Second...Don't give up.

Third...Dee is right, try your hardest not to isolate yourself, there is no need.

Also please visit your doctor, it sounds like your terribly depressed...so again *hugs*

I wish you all the best, and hope you find your way soon

Peace.

Sarah
Sarah, thank you...you are a voice of reason right now. I am terribly depressed but I was just hospitalized for three days due to suicidal thoughts and then spent almost a week in outpatient treatment. I'm on meds, I keep in touch with docs...what more can they do for me?
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Old 02-15-2010, 11:14 PM
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I don't see that you have anything to be sorry about. You haven't failed. Seeking help is not what a failure does. I have to agree with everyone else, don't isolate yourself. I am new here but from what I have seen so far, everyone here seems to really care. And that is what everyone needs, to be surrounded by people who care. Anti-depressants take time to start working, give yourself that time and keep reaching out. My thoughts are with you.
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Old 02-15-2010, 11:30 PM
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My friend is coming to stay with me tonight. He has been sober for over a year.

Tomorrow morning we will figure out what I have to do. I want an inpatient alcohol rehab.

I may lose my job and my house over this, bu I need to get sober.
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Old 02-16-2010, 12:02 AM
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lostmyway, I thought I had gotten to the stage where I was managing my drinking and then a whole load of bad things happened in my life. Sometimes these situations are there to test us and, perhaps, remind us that we aren't yet ready to face the true challenges of recovery. You will be there one day, just as I hope I will. But, and this is a big but, it doesn't mean you don't have the same desire and fight in you that other successful RA's have had.
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Old 02-16-2010, 06:03 AM
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Please don't stop talking to us. You are down on yourself now, but there's hope for a brighter day for you and your children. It sounds like you're almost ready to reach for it. If you were a lost cause you would never have come here & would not be sharing your thoughts with us right now. Please try not to hold yourself down with guilt & remorse. Those emotions are what kept me drinking for many years - a viscious cycle of regret and despair. Alcohol - the thing I used to help me cope - was what kept me down. It took me so long to understand that - but you are already there. Be glad of that, lost.

I can relate about the drinking to calm you down when dealing with children. I was determined not to drink when my son was a baby, but the need to take the edge off my anxiety was too great. In trying to cope I did so much damage. What seems like an answer just brings more misery into our lives.

I'll be thinking of you and hope you won't stop sharing your feelings with us. We care about you.
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Old 02-16-2010, 06:10 AM
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Please don't leave us. We care and want to help you. Please talk to your doctor about quitting alcohol. Please don't give up on yourself.
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Old 02-16-2010, 07:05 AM
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I hope you can begin to forgive yourself and allow yourself to live the wonderful life you have with your child. Guilt and shame will continue to add to your depression. I'm glad you have talked to your dr and I hope you let him know that the meds are not working well. It's possible you could try something else.
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Old 02-16-2010, 07:47 AM
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Lostmyway...

omgg I can so relate to desiring inpatient treatment. I have been thru outpatient treatment 3 times already (in the last 10 years). Im not sure even what our insurance would cover at this point...
I wish I could go to a 90 day inpatient program somewhere on a beach or something and straighten out my life. I would have to take a leave of absence which im sure I could do..but we would lose everything we have. We would lose our home, my family could not survive on only hubbys income for 3 months. They would repo our car, etc...

I know that my sobriety and my health should be most important at this point....but it cant be. I also have a responsibility to my husband and kids..they would never forgive me if we lost everything. Sooo..I feel stuck.

If I could ask someone for money to replace my income for 3 months....and my insurance would for sure cover it all...omgg Id go tomorow!!!
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Old 02-16-2010, 07:53 AM
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lostmyway,

First, hugs and big prayers going out to you. You'll get no condemnation in any way, shape or form from me. You came on here and were completely honest on exactly where you are. In short, you spoke the truth and I see that as a great step in the right direction.

I think the problem with us alcoholics is that we take what's happening in our brain and make that into absolute reality...which it is absolutely not! What I'm getting at is that there is Hope even when you can not see it or feel it. Your alcohoic brain will try to shut down the other options, but they are there.

I can't give medical advise on here due to the forum rules, but there are medications that can and WILL help you in your fight to stay sober. They've helped me tremendously.

If possible, I highly recommend trying to find a psychiatrist or at least a doctor who specializes in alcohol recovery. Also, there is a book called "Healing the Addicted Brain" that really lays out exactly what is going on inside of us and what we can do about it (and, yes, AA is a huge part of the solution). He also lays out the path for medical treatment to help as well. I'm on the plan (thanks to my psychiatrist) and all I can say is that it has been a very important piece of the puzzle for me in staying sober.

I wish you and your lovely family all the best. Please don't give up and please know that there definitely is hope for you....even in the midst of our darkest hours.

RacerX
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Old 02-16-2010, 08:46 AM
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Lostmyway 2! Dont be to hard on yourself.. Re,compose an in your own good time..
Go for sobriety again, am back on my second day, after a very heavy duty final nail
in the coffin weekend..Hope you find your peace of mind and new resolve, somethin
has clicked with me like never before and lookin forward to new personality..and new
attitudes to go forward now..good luck..you,wouldnt have gone that 48 days if you
you didnt mean buisness.
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Old 02-16-2010, 09:47 AM
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Thank you to all of you who helped get me through those dark hours last night. I went to the doctor first thing this morning and told him my meds aren't working. I was told that my drinking is a symptom of a larger problem (that being my bipolar disorder) and I drink because it is the only thing that slows my racing mind during my manic episodes. I have new meds now and I am supposed to be going for shock therapy...sounds scary, but I am going along with it for now.

Also thanks to those of you who sent me messages...I'm sorry I haven't had a chance to resond yet; my time on the computer has to be cut short as of right now because I am about to go to an AA meeting.

Back to Day One of sobriety. God give me the strength to do this.
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Old 02-16-2010, 08:55 PM
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Really happy to see you went to your doctor, and even happier to see you have kept posting!

:ghug3
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Old 02-17-2010, 05:35 AM
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I'm very new here just joining yesterday, but i can only imagine getting to Day 48 as a strong accomplishment in itself. you recognise the problems and you seek help, it takes a strongperson to do that...hugs. I hope your foundation stays intact.
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