lostmyway

I am not ready for recovery. I am sorry for me, I am sorry for my family, I am sorry for wasting the time of the good people here who have tried to help me.

I was doing well, and I just lost my way again. Guess my username really does speak for itself.

I am addicted to alcohol. My addictive voice told me that after 48 days clean, I could manage my intake. That voice was wrong. I cannot.

I cannot stop at one or two drinks. I don't even know if I want to. I am so stressed out that sometimes I think the alcohol actually makes me a better person, a more empathetic person, when it comes to dealing with situations in my family. My 3 1/2 year old son, who I love dearly, who is showing early signs of ADHD and is very hard to deal with...when I drink, I feel that I am more calm, more able to deal with him. When I do not drink, I feel that I lack that empathy towards him...that I cannot put myself in his shoes, that I cannot help him, that I am just a bitchy mom who wants him to be quiet.

I cannot deal with the guilt I have concerning my four month old daughter. She was an unplanned pregnancy and I didn't want her. I considered aborting her. When it was past the point that I could do so, I wished her to be born premature, to get her out of me. It makes me cry now to think that I did not care what happened to her, how bad it can really be when babies are born prematurely. I did not drink during either of my pregnancies, but with her I acted in every other way that I was not pregnant. It was denial on my part. As it was, she was born with a life threatening heart condition, and it was not until she was in the neonatal intensive care unit, until I could not hold her, could not feed her because she was hooked up to oxygen and all these other tubes...it was not until then that I cried, that I believed a power greater than me was holding her in its arms.

Now she is home and she is the best baby I could have ever dreamed of having. She started sleeping through the night at five weeks old. She does nothing but smile. There are still concerns about her health; I owe a lot of money to a lot of doctors who are threatening to write me off on bad debts despite the fact that I am making monthly payments to them. And there are a lot more bills to come for her specialists.

I cannot get over the guilt, because I didn't want her and now I feel that I don't deserve her. She should have been born to one of those couples out there that desperately want children and cannot conceive.

These are issues I must resolve on my own, but I am checking out for now, guys, because I am not ready, and I am of no use here. I will most likely be lurking around but I probably won't post again until I feel I have something valid to say.

I want what the long term sobriety people have. Peace in their lives. Contentment witout having to worry where the next drink will come from. I am not there yet. I don't know how to achieve that.

Sorry for the long post, and sorry to everyone, for everything. I am putting an end now to this pity party, and will sit back and listen, with my mouth shut, until I can find a way to live sober, the way I believe my life was meant to be.