Please don't stop talking to us. You are down on yourself now, but there's hope for a brighter day for you and your children. It sounds like you're almost ready to reach for it. If you were a lost cause you would never have come here & would not be sharing your thoughts with us right now. Please try not to hold yourself down with guilt & remorse. Those emotions are what kept me drinking for many years - a viscious cycle of regret and despair. Alcohol - the thing I used to help me cope - was what kept me down. It took me so long to understand that - but you are already there. Be glad of that, lost.
I can relate about the drinking to calm you down when dealing with children. I was determined not to drink when my son was a baby, but the need to take the edge off my anxiety was too great. In trying to cope I did so much damage. What seems like an answer just brings more misery into our lives.
I'll be thinking of you and hope you won't stop sharing your feelings with us. We care about you.