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I thought quitting was the HARD PART!

Old 02-10-2010, 02:33 PM
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I thought quitting was the HARD PART!

When I finally quit using drugs... 8 years of slow social isolation and physical degradation had me one step away from the grave. I was really a husk of a person...98 pounds. Mentally I was aware my spark plugs werent firing right. An anonymous person literally helped me save my life. I posted here on SR en those days. I was literally like a zombie...all I did was stare and never talk..I had been shutting down all those years.

I knew all I could do was to take it step by step and get off the junk. I used suboxone for 5 months and slowly tapered off and , very recently, I quit that. These months I had been to some meetings, came here a lot, started exercising, and read alot of recovery related things online. The lower my sub dose got the more and more I felt my old interests waking up and I was really glad to see that happening. It is very encouraging. When I quit the suboxone I had a few trying days but the detox was not bad as far as detoxes go.

SO here I am friends finding myself completley overwhelmed with all those nice reanimating parts of myself that I was soo glad were awakening. My sentiments are coming back but in such full force that my heart might give out. Not literally, of course. I only mean that I came to realise today that TODAY I don't feel too confident, I am pretty sad and Have a horrible melacholic nostalgia. These are things I hadnt felt for a long time and Its TOO MUCH. I am barely getting over the detox from the sub and still dont have much energy but I manage to fulfill the responsibilities I have daily consistently.

My brain is being bombarded by millions of things that I realise that I must now start to rebuild and that I have to start taking more steps ahead and being the decent person that I was once with great ease. Thinking about all of this assaults my head with this horrile sense of urgency and I have caught myself actually realising that as I sat and thought about this stuff I had been tensing my whole body for god knows how long.

I firmly believe that this will pass and I am trying to occupy my mind by talking to my friend who is a pastor. I m trying to do my part to fight it
. However today it is not easy to be strong. Today being a normal human being is just too much work. I haven't had a craving yet really. For some reason I havnet slept but about 8 hours in two days whereas before I was sleeping pretty good considering my transition to sobriety..............trying times. I have SO much to do an be.......too many things bright light bright light.
srry to write a damn book
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Old 02-10-2010, 02:42 PM
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do you have a sponsor or a close friend that could guide you away from any possibilities of relapse? we are here for you at SR. Keep posting....
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Old 02-10-2010, 03:03 PM
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I have been to AA and NA enough to have gotten to know a few of them pretty good. I havent been in a week and I havent approached anyone about sponsoring as yet. I always kind of held off until after I stopped the suboxone. Im probably going to go again I mean I m off the sub now time to get going. I am well aware that starting taking drugs again isnt an option. I have worked too hard to get this far and at the moment I am staying with a ton of family who know whats going on these last two days. I did all my drugs in mexico and I wouldnt know where to get anything in this 2000 person isolated oklahoma town. I still feel empowere and know that staying clean every day has got to be the first thing taken care otherwise nothing in my life will have foundation. Im just ridiculously overwhelmed today and frustrated at my apparent impotency in processing it. I m sure there have been a ton of posts like this from every stressed out newby. I know this will pass. I guess what I am seeing is that this is the time to start using some tools in learning to deal with things and react to life's crap in new unfamiliar ways.........just a bad day really
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Old 02-10-2010, 03:48 PM
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I hope you do go and speak with someone Chris.

Sometimes life is overwhelming - whether we're recovering or 'normies'.

Reach out and talk to people, stay in the day, and only bite off what you can chew mate

Keep posting here too

D
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Old 02-10-2010, 06:21 PM
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I know it's very hard to deal with overwhelming feelings that appear in sobriety.

But, as you said you know it will pass, and it will get easier for you.
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Old 02-10-2010, 06:31 PM
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((((((Chris!!!))))) So good to see you!! I've been thinking about you! You are doing so incredibly awesome with your recovery but I am so sorry you're having such a rough day! I'm not even going to pretend that I understand what you're going through, but I just want you to know that we're here to support you today and always.

Have you had a psych evaluation done? Is there perhaps some depression or other issue? Are you still working with your folks?

Just take it one day or hour at a time, sweetie. I'm so very proud of you -- I can't even express it. You are an inspiration to me and I care what happens to you!

((((HUGS))))))
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Old 02-10-2010, 06:33 PM
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It IS a bit overwhelming when we realize what we've done (the using and whatever came with that), what we've missed and what we need to catch up/make up for. However, it can't all be done in a day..not even a week or two. I do remember thinking there was too much to think about, to handle.

This is where, whether you go to meetings or not, it's really important to try to stop and think "what can I do, right this minute". A lot of times, there is not much you can..maybe make a phone call, or check something out on the computer, but for most of us, it's okay to call someone, go take a walk, journal..something that clears your head a bit.

I've got almost 3 years clean, and there are still days when I'm overwhelmed and have to stop, breathe, and say "okay, what can I do about it RIGHT THIS MINUTE?"

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 02-11-2010, 04:41 AM
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Can absolutely relate as well. You'll get there. Drugs and alcohol have helped us mask so many things that we never realized or just never affected us until we took the drugs and alcohol away.

Just remember it's just for today. One minute, one hour, one day at a time.
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Old 02-11-2010, 05:07 AM
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Chris congrats on being clean, I am an alcoholic so although I can not fully relate to the drugs, I do relate to those occasional feelings of being overwhelmed at times, this is when I call folks in AA or go to a meeting, speaking with folks that can relate to where I am at helps me immensely.

I will also share that for me taking the steps with my sponsor has made a huge difference for me. Yes I still get in a funk some times, but today I fall back on my program and the fellowship.

Why not get back to going to meetings and get some phone numbers and call them, you are helping the person you call just as much as they will help you.
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Old 02-11-2010, 12:15 PM
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Yes, it's easier to get clean and sober than it is to 'stay' that way. While using, our thought patterns and behaviors were unhealthy and impractical. Staying clean and sober requires a lot of work on ourselves as human beings: members of our families and of society in general. It's hard work to rearrange those old ways of dealing with life, but it's so worth it. Give yourself time and call on all the support you can muster. We are here for you, as are those in AA/NA. It is in helping others stay clean and sober that helps us stay clean and sober ourselves.

Do'nt be afraid to ask for help and support, for it is in giving that we receive. The only way we can keep the lessons we've learned is by giving them away to others.
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Old 02-11-2010, 12:49 PM
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I really appreciate evryones comments. It seems strange, but I think really all I needed was to hear someone tell me I wasn't crazy. I talked to my pastor friend who is not at all pushy. Later I read around on here and I felt a lot better. Im still lame in the leg from my broken leg but I managed to walk up and down the driveway a few times and listen to some of the most relaxing music the like of which I had never heard. It all seemed to calm me down.

Its just as many of you mentioned...we KNOW all this will pass... if only we are willing to keep going and utilize the resources and tols available. I can't explain what happened but it did. Its rough going getting back to normal and its made a bit worse as I am still having energy issues since finally quitting the subs. I m not going to bug out now that I am this far in. I didnt just do six months of slow painstaking progress to loose it now..especially after I have seen the beginning fruits of all this. I guess I underestimated just how trying it could be. I am realising the value of a group setting. No use in cheating myself out of something beneficial. drugging again is not an option. If I am not clean I literally have no future. This last nosedive I took nearly got me.

This is an incredibly emotional time for me and it feels strange to say that since I can be pretty strong and self sufficient mostly.

I have yet to have a psychiatric test done, I really just got off the suboxone and really put most of my focus into getting that step finished properly. I am going to take MORE advantage of some meetings and read around here on the boards.........Thanks to everyone for your comments. It really is amazing how much better you can feel after reading them. Thanks
Chris
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Old 02-11-2010, 01:48 PM
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Hi Chris, stay strong, God is always around to listen and hold you up.
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Old 02-11-2010, 08:49 PM
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You hang in there!

We can all vouch that we know exactly how you are feeling and be telling the truth. Even after 9 yrs has gone by, I STILL struggle daily with my opiate addiction. It's a beast like you couldn't imagine if you have never experienced opiate addiction for yourself.

I just wanted to write and tell you to hang in there. I know you have been getting alot of those since you posted, but my heart goes out to you. You have GOT to hang in there. Don't let all this get you down, no matter how much easier it would seem to just give in. It would only be a temporary solution and you would be right back in that awful situation and all the progress you have made will be wasted. All the trust you have rebuilt, forgiveness that has been given to you and the hope that your loved ones have put into the belief that this one may be the one that really works for you.....

As hard as it is, PLEASE don't give in.

I agree, get you a sponsor or someone you can talk to and see in person that can help you be accountable and "knows" how it is.

take care now.
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Old 02-11-2010, 10:47 PM
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I can relate so much. I spent quite some time just breathing.

This has been my best year in a long time.

It gets better.

I found that it was a lot like losing weight for me. It took me a long time to gain the weight and it took me quite some time to lose it. I just kept doing the things that worked. I've done the same thing in recovery. It took me a long time to mess up my life as badly as I had, it was going to take some time to put things back together. It's slow going but it gets better every day. I make sure to hang out with other clean and sober people and that helps me see where I want to be also.
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Old 02-11-2010, 11:19 PM
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I can relate to much of what you are going through... So true that just quitting is only part of the equation. Find some way to focus on positive thoughts, ways to manage feeling overwhelmed. There are alot of great tools out there to choose from. The conventional wisdom that you should make no major changes or decisions for about a year after drying out seems to make sense for alot of people. You're doing great...
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