You hang in there!
We can all vouch that we know exactly how you are feeling and be telling the truth. Even after 9 yrs has gone by, I STILL struggle daily with my opiate addiction. It's a beast like you couldn't imagine if you have never experienced opiate addiction for yourself.
I just wanted to write and tell you to hang in there. I know you have been getting alot of those since you posted, but my heart goes out to you. You have GOT to hang in there. Don't let all this get you down, no matter how much easier it would seem to just give in. It would only be a temporary solution and you would be right back in that awful situation and all the progress you have made will be wasted. All the trust you have rebuilt, forgiveness that has been given to you and the hope that your loved ones have put into the belief that this one may be the one that really works for you.....
As hard as it is, PLEASE don't give in.
I agree, get you a sponsor or someone you can talk to and see in person that can help you be accountable and "knows" how it is.
take care now.