cjsg

When I finally quit using drugs... 8 years of slow social isolation and physical degradation had me one step away from the grave. I was really a husk of a person...98 pounds. Mentally I was aware my spark plugs werent firing right. An anonymous person literally helped me save my life. I posted here on SR en those days. I was literally like a zombie...all I did was stare and never talk..I had been shutting down all those years.

I knew all I could do was to take it step by step and get off the junk. I used suboxone for 5 months and slowly tapered off and , very recently, I quit that. These months I had been to some meetings, came here a lot, started exercising, and read alot of recovery related things online. The lower my sub dose got the more and more I felt my old interests waking up and I was really glad to see that happening. It is very encouraging. When I quit the suboxone I had a few trying days but the detox was not bad as far as detoxes go.

SO here I am friends finding myself completley overwhelmed with all those nice reanimating parts of myself that I was soo glad were awakening. My sentiments are coming back but in such full force that my heart might give out. Not literally, of course. I only mean that I came to realise today that TODAY I don't feel too confident, I am pretty sad and Have a horrible melacholic nostalgia. These are things I hadnt felt for a long time and Its TOO MUCH. I am barely getting over the detox from the sub and still dont have much energy but I manage to fulfill the responsibilities I have daily consistently.

My brain is being bombarded by millions of things that I realise that I must now start to rebuild and that I have to start taking more steps ahead and being the decent person that I was once with great ease. Thinking about all of this assaults my head with this horrile sense of urgency and I have caught myself actually realising that as I sat and thought about this stuff I had been tensing my whole body for god knows how long.

I firmly believe that this will pass and I am trying to occupy my mind by talking to my friend who is a pastor. I m trying to do my part to fight it
. However today it is not easy to be strong. Today being a normal human being is just too much work. I haven't had a craving yet really. For some reason I havnet slept but about 8 hours in two days whereas before I was sleeping pretty good considering my transition to sobriety..............trying times. I have SO much to do an be.......too many things bright light bright light.
srry to write a damn book