Aysha

I am just going to keep my weekly visits in one thread.

Was in a seriously depressing funk the first part of the week. Dont know why.
I havent had a cig in 2 weeks. Really been wanting one for the past 4 days or so tho.
Still struggling with speaking in groups and meeting people at meetings. I just dont know what to say to anyone. Or most everyone is already talking to someone and I dont want to interupt or just stand there like an idiot waiting for them to finish.
I am finding more NA meetings tho.
Dont really feel like I have been doing anything this past month, except staying clean.
I dont feel any real growth inside. I still think about using. I had the stupidest dream last night where the guy was trying to sell me little blocks of velveeta cheese.
I really want to get involved in meetings and stuff. But I just am so overcome with social anxiety, it is crippling at times.
I dont know what that is all about. I havent been like that in a long time.
I dont know.
Being in the halfway house is easy staying clean. Really have no choice. When I have to get a job and start having those paychecks again will be the real test.
Maybe by then having 7 mos already will make it a little easier.

My van is up and running again. Thats good. Now my gram can have her independence back.
Went with this girl from IOP to Borders and coffee then a meeting last night. That was pretty cool. She is nice. She kinda reminds me of Megan Fox and she has all kinds of tattoos. I love that. She is a really cool down to earth girl.
Anyway. Just checking in. Nothing much to report. Just sorta feel in a rut. And its got alot to do qith myself.
Glad to have you guys.
Hope everyone is doing well.

least

Glad to hear you're doing well. I hope your depression lifts soon. (((hugs)))

Impurrfect

((Trish)) - I think, maybe, you are expecting too much from yourself?

You've been with grams and family forever (or close to it) and now you are with these other people. It's gonna take some time to feel like you can open up, I think, and going out with that one girl is a good start!! I just feel like a month is not enough time for you to suddenly be all comfortable with other people. Keep working at it..baby steps.

Also..I wouldn't worry about what's going to happen when you get the job and a paycheck, if that's 6 months down the road. There's a TON of changes that can happen between now and then...lots of them good.

I'm sorry you were in a funk. Maybe set tiny little goals at the sober house each day to get a little more interactive...start a conversation about anything with someone..even if it only lasts a few minutes. The more you do it, the easier it gets. I would pick the person you feel the most comfortable with and work toward the ones you aren't comfortable with.

You've started new jobs several times and got to know the people THERE...this isn't much different, except these people have more in common with you, right?

I'm very proud of you...keep on keepin' on

Love, hugs, and prayers!

Amy

Omega10

Thanks for the update... I was wondering how you were doing.

In the beginning, I had really vivid dreams. I was lucky they were not nightmares, but the first time it happened I was disturbed by the amount of images I saw, and the intensity of the dream. After a couple of nights of this, I found myself looking forward to going to sleep to see what entertainment my sober mind would give me that evening. I'm no expert, but I chalked it up to the fact that the alcohol had suppressed a lot of my thoughts and that my brain was now catching up and processing a lot of the things it could not process before since I wasn't going into a deep enough sleep.

Healing is a slow process. Think in terms of a broken bone - it hurts a lot and you cannot see it mending, but it is mending inside. As time progresses the pain subsides and in the end the scar tissue is thicker than the bone around it, and it is much stronger than before.

Gypsy Feet

I missed you <3 <3 <3

Aysha

I am getting better with the people in the house. Alot better. I have the few I feel alot more comfortable talking to. But still, I am a quiet person at times. I find myself trying to be aware of my attitude and how I think all the time. I do not want to be talking **** about dumb things, or about anyone. I dont want to judge and be critical. I have been very good at that for a long time. I seriously have no interest in the bs gossip or wanting to be all in everyones business. I am trying to find the good in everything and evryone. I dont know if its like this everywhere. But it seems that alot of people in recovery have like this radar for being in other peoples ****. And thr first time a person seems a little off one day..Its automatically.."Yep!! They were/are high! They relapseed!!" I have been seeing alot of that lately. It is so stupid. I wish I could turn my ears off sometimes. This one girl is like brand new to recovery and was at her first NA meeting last weekend. She shared and kept using the word crack. She did over kill it. But she doesnt know. So instead of telling her to tone the using drug names down. People who are supposedly her new sober friends talked mad **** about her behind her back.
Thats the type a **** I hate. And I do my best to ignore it. And I def make a point to stay out of it. But thats alot of the reason why I dont want to share anything about myself.
Since when do I care what anyone thinks?
I hate being so self conscious. I havent gave a crap what people think in years. Why now?
Why do I feel this intimidation and uneasyness?
It is freaking me out. Usually I am pretty outgoing and def not this quiet/shy. And couls usually care less what anyone thought of me. And if they did have anything to say about me I had no problems defending myself.
Now I feel like if that happens, I am going to feel stupid and cry. Its like elementary school all over again.
I am getting a little better with that tho. Not much, but some.
I just dont get why I suddenly feel like that.
Maybe because I usually resort to aggression when things like that happen. Use fear and intimidaiton to get my point across. I dont want to be that person anymore. So now I dont know how to be.
Keep it simple guess.
But other than that. I am doing pretty good.
All my councelors think I am adjusting wonderfully and think I am doing a great job. But I dont feel like I am doing anything tho.
Anyway. Thx for reading. Will see you guys during the week maybe or next weekend.

ANGELINA243

That in itself is a HUGE accomplishment! Sometimes just being "clean" is the best we can do at the moment--and that is ok...certainly nothing wrong with that. It is usually our expectations we place on ourselves that get us down. Just enjoy the moment. Give yourself a break. Any clean addict is indeed a miracle!

Sometimes you will find that others will do this as a means to not take a good look at themselves--how easy it is to judge another sometimes and avoid taking responsibility for one's own actions. But usually the ones who point out another's fault in a certain area are usually guilty of that behavior themselves--so when they tell on another--they are actually telling on themselves.....if this makes sense? Kind of like--"you spot it~you got it!" kinda deal........

Just listen and find out who the gossipers are and steer away from them--as in don't tell them anything that you wouldn't want everyone to know and you will be ok. Some are sicker than others--even in recovery.

coffeenut

Thanks for checking in...I think about how you are doing a lot!

Remember....early sobriety is so emotional. Allow yourself to FEEL it....and to deal with it...and to move on. I so applaud what you are doing.

And...I hate it when people talk behind others back...yet I find myself doing it as well. So, thanks to this thread, I do hope I remember it more often.

Dee74

I think you're doing great Trish - like you say - keep it simple, stay in the day - let tomorrow take care of itself, keep out of other peoples stuff...

you'll be OK


D

Anna

Trish,

It's good to hear from you and that you're doing so well!

endzoner

Glad to hear from you .. And tho things aint what your hoping for at this moment just remember this to shall pass .. it passes to a new day and new things happen . just give things time .. we miss you around here . and its nice to hear form ya
as for those nosy bodys .. they just gotta get into others lifes so they dont have to clean up there own rubbish . perhaps that why your not into there idol teenage gossip .. thats cuz your cleaning your own yard and worrying about you and not anothers yard .. thats progress .. and growth rite there dear .. super proud of you staying clean and workin your program
ooh you know how you said you have a hard time speakin at meetings . Ive been in the program now 6 yrs and I still to this day have a hard time with it . so your not alone dear .. but when I do have something to say its kinda good .. cuz they listen cuz i seldom speak . they say .. so its not a bad thing .. huggles and luvies . Endzy

Lionne

Good to hear from you! Don't expect too much to soon- you are doing great so far. As for the dreams, I had some pretty absurd ones in early recovery, these things get better....Thanks for the update

vegibean

I don't like the gossip thing either. I had a group with the new girls and told them that "gossip only hurts the other person and you wouldn't want it done to you if it was you that relapsed." I saw it in my treatment center and I see it at work. I don't like it either.

Hang in there Girl. I think you're doing great. It's progress not perfection and "sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly." It was slow for me too. I felt frustrated thinking there was supposed to be some miracle, flash of light, some kind of spiritual feeling that was going to come over me. Never happened. I just stuck to what I was doing, listened and took the suggestions. I just got there on MY time.

As for the meetings and sharing, I know it's hard to get over that block but I would just throw my hand up and do a short/quick share but just doing that little bit helped me get over that fear of sharing in front of a bunch of strangers. I have no problem with it today.

Keep it up Girl!!! xo

intention

In one of the meetings I go to they announce at the beginning.



What you see here etc

...Please let it stay it.

Gossip can lead to relapse

And relapse can kill

Astro

It's so good to hear from you Trish (((hugs))) and honestly it sounds like you're doing very well.

Yep, there's lots of BS and gossip in the rooms of recovery, we're a sick bunch ya know, and this ain't exactly a hotbed of health. I learned a long time ago to distance myself from that as much as possible and remember that "it ain't about me", my recovery is what matters so I keep the focus on myself and seek out the healthy ones that have something I want, then I stay close to that crowd.

It's a slow process Trish, in time you'll get more comfortable with opening up and sharing at meetings. I found that when I emptied the trash, made the coffee, wiped down tables, etc. people would talk to me so I didn't have to initiate a conversation. Now I've been called a "service *****" for doing it so much, but hey it's kept me sober a few years and it works! Lol

Horselover

I have really missed seeing you around here. I just thought what Astro said was very well put. I used to find this same behavior at church and it stopped me from going for awhile. I then decided church is for everyone and hey, no one is perfect.

Aysha

Hey my wonderful sober family!!
Boy, I can always count on you guys. I just wish i didnt have to wait a week to come and check in.
Well there was a surprise house meeting Wed. Apparently i am not the only one seeing the BS. So all staff made it clear that the gossip, prying in others business, calling people out when your doing the same excact thing isnt going to fly anymore. That is another thing too. i have seen alot of "senior peers" pulling people up on things that they themselves are doing and way worse. And they arent even working a good program trying to tell others what to do. I just stay away as much as possible. I cant help what I over hear cuase there are 16 of us in one house. We live together and go to IOP all day together. I wish I could MP3 myself all day. but I cant.
I just stay out of it and away from those as much as I can.
I finally had to share at IOP about myself for the first time. It was very emotional. I had to talk about my mom. Missing since I was 5 and how my dad was an alcoholic and use to beta the **** out of her all the time.
And we had to watch this exercise in one group that was so freakin intense. OMG!! I swear my hand to God, I have never in my life ever seen anything so powerful in my life. The whole room was speechless.
The excercise was for someone who tlak down to themsleves all the time to bring in a pic of themselves as a young child. Sit in the middle of the group and look at that picture and tell that pisture of themselves as a child all those negative, bad things they think of themselves now. WHOA!!! Talk about some emotional stuff. I dont want to get into what the girl said. But , I was crying my eyes out.
I have a whole new respect for that girl. To be that raw, and open and vulnerable like that in front of all of us. I mean it was that intense. I could never do that. not like that.
Anyway. I am at the library right now. I will check back tomorrow when I am home.
Miss you guys.
Happy Vday!!!

Aysha

Forgot to tell you all that I am officially on the sponsor look out. I have 2 or 3 in mind. But I want to speak to them first. I havent even spoken to them yet, except one. But that one is going through some things herself. But the other 2 I need to see in action more too.
Hopefully I can get me one soon.

Impurrfect

(((Trish)))) - good to hear from you, and congrats on opening up in IOP - see? It didn't kill ya, now did it?

Good to hear others are also seeing all the BS at the house, but unfortunately, there will probably still be a bit of drama around - usually is when there are several people in the same house - add addiction in, and whoa! You're doing great to stay out of the drama-rama, though!

The exercise DOES sound intense! Check back in when you can, but spend time with grams, the cousins, and the kitties first.

Love, hugs, and prayers!

Amy

least

Good to hear you are doing well and ignoring the BS around you. Happy Valentine's Day to you too! :ghug3