I am getting better with the people in the house. Alot better. I have the few I feel alot more comfortable talking to. But still, I am a quiet person at times. I find myself trying to be aware of my attitude and how I think all the time. I do not want to be talking **** about dumb things, or about anyone. I dont want to judge and be critical. I have been very good at that for a long time. I seriously have no interest in the bs gossip or wanting to be all in everyones business. I am trying to find the good in everything and evryone. I dont know if its like this everywhere. But it seems that alot of people in recovery have like this radar for being in other peoples ****. And thr first time a person seems a little off one day..Its automatically.."Yep!! They were/are high! They relapseed!!" I have been seeing alot of that lately. It is so stupid. I wish I could turn my ears off sometimes. This one girl is like brand new to recovery and was at her first NA meeting last weekend. She shared and kept using the word crack. She did over kill it. But she doesnt know. So instead of telling her to tone the using drug names down. People who are supposedly her new sober friends talked mad **** about her behind her back.
Thats the type a **** I hate. And I do my best to ignore it. And I def make a point to stay out of it. But thats alot of the reason why I dont want to share anything about myself.
Since when do I care what anyone thinks?
I hate being so self conscious. I havent gave a crap what people think in years. Why now?
Why do I feel this intimidation and uneasyness?
It is freaking me out. Usually I am pretty outgoing and def not this quiet/shy. And couls usually care less what anyone thought of me. And if they did have anything to say about me I had no problems defending myself.
Now I feel like if that happens, I am going to feel stupid and cry. Its like elementary school all over again.
I am getting a little better with that tho. Not much, but some.
I just dont get why I suddenly feel like that.
Maybe because I usually resort to aggression when things like that happen. Use fear and intimidaiton to get my point across. I dont want to be that person anymore. So now I dont know how to be.
Keep it simple guess.
But other than that. I am doing pretty good.
All my councelors think I am adjusting wonderfully and think I am doing a great job. But I dont feel like I am doing anything tho.
Anyway. Thx for reading. Will see you guys during the week maybe or next weekend.
Dont just count your days...Make your days count!
It may not get easier, But it will get better.