about to lose everyone i love if things dont change!

Old 01-20-2010, 10:35 PM
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about to lose everyone i love if things dont change!

I am almost at rock bottom and feel i am literally losing my mind. I am 34 years old and really dont have anything of value except this laptop and my truck, which has already been repossessed once! Had to file bankruptcy to get it back. I just cant manage my money. 3 years ago, I had everything goin my way. I had a good job, a nice apartment, and was attending college. I got fired from my job, evicted from my apartment(second time), and my truck got repossessed(3rd vehicle in 7 years). The only thing that saved me was my girlfriend and her parents, who took me in. 3 years later, im still here, and unemployed. I have been fired from 5 jobs in 5 years. I have been divoced twice. My first marriage which ended in divorce in 2001, was the last time my life was in order. I had a daughter, a new home, new vehicle, and a good job. After my wife cheated on me several times, i just fell apart. I was living in Washington at the time because that is where the Army put me, I left to go back home here in Indiana. After things did not work out in Indiana in 2 months, i moved to Florida to live with my sister. That is when my problems truly started. Started with smoking weed everyday to forget about how much i missed my daughter and the life i had. then pills. xanax, vicodin, percocet, etc. not to mention drinking almost everyday. my sister couldnt put up with me anymore, so i moved to wisconsin to live with my aunt and uncle. well not to blame them, but they drank, smoked weed, and intoduced me to cocaine! Moved there in august of 2001, by december, i realized that if i didnt do something, i would end up dead. I missed my daughter terrible, and my ex-wife did not make things easier. Unemployed,broke,behind in child support, and addicted to drugs and alcohol, i realized the only way things would get better, and get to see my daughter again, I signed up for the Army again and got stationed back in washington so i could be close to my daughter again. 2002, i was back in washington and back in the army, which i loved. i also loved washington and never wanted to leave. after several attempts to locate my ex so i could see my daughter, i gave up. but i found peace in a girl i met. we fell in love instantly. the summer of 2002 was the last time i can say i was truly happy. I missed my daughter, but i had my army buddies and my new girlfriend for support. well, it didnt last long. In august of 2002, i was enrolled in seargent school. I was a good leader and a good soldier. I had to go away for a month. during that month, the woman i loved cheated on me. i found out when i got back, and lost it. I wasnt eating, being social with my buddies or family, except when we would go out when i would get **** drunk, and usually make and ass out of myself. started smoking weed again too. which almost got me kicked out of the Army. I got demoted instead of promoted. me and my girlfriend got back together, because i loved her so much, i forgave her. Things went back to normal. we got married in april of 2003. in february of 2003, i blew out my back and had to have surgery. I recovered, but that is when my addiction to pills really started.My unit was deployed to iraq in january 2004. I lost my mind over there. I was constanly prescribed Gabapentin or neurontin. Not a narcotic, but me and my army buddies figured out if u take alot of it, it gives u a euphoric felling. it makes u high and happy. i came back home to my wife after seven months because my back got worse, and the army decided to medically discharge me. poppin pills everyday and not trusting my wife, i constantly fought with her until she had enough. in january of 2005, i was out of the army and had a good job again, but my wife had enuff of the fighting and mood swings. she filed for divorce, and i moved into an apartment. i was taking pills everyday and smoking pot everyday. lost my job, my apartment, and my new truck. moved back here to indiana indecember 0f 2005. Met my current girlfriend and we have been together for 4 years now. she is the love of my life, but she is done giving me anymore chances at getting my life together. i need help, or i will lose her and then i will have nothing yet again. it is a vicious cycle as u can see. my childhood didnt help either. my stepdad was an abusive alcholic. so i was around that all the time. i dont want to end up like him. broke,no family or friends, just sitting around drinking or getting high, thinking of the life i used to have when i was a good father,soldier,husband, and a reliable,dependable person and a hard worker that my employers valued. I want to be the way i was before my first divorce. Happy, when me and the ex werent fighting. i had a good outlook on life. i have stolen from family and friends to get drugs. i will spend my last $20 on weed instead of buying gas. i am bankrupt, noone trust a thing i say, and i owe my girlfriend and her parents thousands of dollars. she had to put money in my checking account for like the twentieth time to get it into the positive beacause i cant control my money, i will take out my last penny to buy weed. i just quit smoking weed 3 days ago. for one i am broke, and two she found out and confronted me. I was smoking weed every single day for the last year. i failed my first semster in school again. i just stopped going. i was getting high everyday and snorting percocet at my friends place, letting everyone think i was goin to school. i even made up grades. i couldnt tell her i failed school again. I am on academic probation, and if i fail again, i will be kicked out of another school. I have goals, i want to get my degree in IT, and start my own business in the next 5 or 6 years. my addiction keeps getting in the way of my life. she has stayed with me when other women would have ran away screaming and everyone keeps telling her to cut her losses. but she sees the good side of me and believes in me. i owe it to her and myself to stop doing any kind of drugs. i get addicted to everything. i have tried to quit smoking 6 times in the last 3 years. what am i going to do??? for the first time i have no options. i cannot borrow anymore money, noone trust me. how do i get the respect and trust back that my family and my girlfriend once had for me???? i know that there are support groups and meeting. but i want to try and do it myself. i have an appointment with my doctor this coming monday and i plan to come clean with her and tell her i dont need the pills anymore and want to discuss option. i cant let my family know i have a problem, i have put them through too much. i hope someone can offer some comforting words. i feel my sanity is slipping away. i see a VA shrink once a month, who just gives me more pills!! i take adderral as well, of course not as prescribed, when i run out of that, time to refill my oxycodone and gabapentin which usually doesnt last me 2 weeks!! sorry for such a long winded rant but i had to get this off my chest. im tired of keeping this pain inside.

thanks to whomever takes the time to read this and hope i dont sound to crazy.
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Old 01-20-2010, 10:53 PM
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good for you for taking the time to get that all off your chest!! hopefully you feel somewhat better having laid it all out. Fortunately (and unfortunately) you are not the only one in this situation so at the very least you will get lots of support. Having your girlfriend with you is awesome, but I understand your stress of losing her. All the stress of losing her however, is likely not going to help your situation - 'cause - how do people like us deal with stress???

yep - and so starts the viscous cycle again. I guess it all comes down to you being ready to quit - and being ready to quit for you. Doing it for anyone else or for any other reason isn't going to work. Hopefully you can get the support and advice on here to help you start your recovery..which will help get your life back in order...which will perhaps ensure your girlfriend will stay with you...which will....etc etc (see the "good" cycle your life 'could' turn into?)

I wish I had great advice on how to get back on track or some magic words to fix your situation over night - but I don't. What I do have is understanding of where you've been and where you're at - it resembles my life for sure. Stick around here and others will be by to offer their support.

You're you're stepping in the right direction!

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Old 01-20-2010, 10:54 PM
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You came to a great place for support, my friend. I stumbled upon this site feeling hopeless and lost and am so very thankful for it. Don't give up on you. You're so worth the fight!!!!!!
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Old 01-20-2010, 11:10 PM
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Dclifford i thought i had problems till i read your bag!! deleting a history of failure is a
hard one to do, but with the help an support of others around is a viable acheivable
option, to pay back loyalty and support to your partner is a good way to start!!!
the clock ticks on to miss the boat of opportunity,can leave one with such regret
good luck to you,,
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Old 01-20-2010, 11:19 PM
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Hi D

you'll find a lot of support here.

I do have one question tho:

i know that there are support groups and meeting. but i want to try and do it myself.
I'm not being smart, but I've been here - 'doing it yourself' got you where you are now, D.

Don't dismiss any kind of support out of hand - believe me, you'll need all the support you can get...

you need to change things - really change - to get out of this, or you'll just be spinning your wheels. I did that for 15 years.

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Old 01-20-2010, 11:54 PM
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Hi dclifford! Welcome to SR! What Dee said is true. Please don't dismiss any opportunities to recover. I'm glad you found us!


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Old 01-21-2010, 12:40 AM
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Hi DClifford, welcome to SR.

I'm with Dee and Lenina... don't close your mind to any type of resource you do have that might help you... some might not, others might and from what I've read here and experienced, it's often the things you never thought would.

You seem like you know what you want, and you're aware that this addiction is what's keeping you from that. So... go all out in trying to get for yourself what you want. Don't let anything stop you, least of all you.

Take care,
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Old 01-21-2010, 05:18 AM
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Hi and welcome, there is plenty of support here.

As Dee says, you have tried to sort this out before by yourself. Surely you realise now that your way doesn't work.

I hope you get yourself to a meeting and get some face to face support.

Keep in touch.
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Old 01-21-2010, 05:22 AM
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Welcome to SR! Lots of support here cause we all share a common problem, so we understand what you're going thru.

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Old 01-21-2010, 06:16 AM
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i know that there are support groups and meeting. but i want to try and do it myself.
Cliff I will share with you that I tried the stopping MY WAY for MANY years, the result of the stopping MY WAY was winding up having alcohol owning me physically, mentally, & spiritually!

Check around here how many people have STAYED sober for over a year doing it their way! Very, very few.

For me after 40 years of drinking, the last 5 of which I doubt I drew a single sober breath, I finally surrendered to the fact that I had not a clue how to GET sober, little lone stay sober which I found far harder then getting sober.

There are a variety of long term recovery programs for a reason, the vast majority of alcoholics need a long term recovery program to stay sober.

I use AA, I credit the AA program & fellowship with saving my life and returning me to sanity! I would strongly suggest you try AA or some other recovery program.

If you wanted to learn to fly would you just hop into a plane and take off and see what happens or would you seek out an experienced pilot to teach you how to fly?

For me I had not a clue how to stay sober, so I sought out the experience of other alcoholics who were experienced in staying sober.
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Old 01-21-2010, 09:08 AM
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i have tried to quit smoking 6 times in the last 3 years. what am i going to do??? for the first time i have no options. i cannot borrow anymore money, noone trust me.
You have to stop "trying to quit smoking" and just QUIT smoking. I'm not trying to be a smart a$$ here. I lived the life you described above for over 20 years. Pot was my primary DOC, but I've done plenty of other drugs and drank enough to pickle my liver. You said yourself, "you have no options". Many would say this is "hitting your bottom" and that this is where you need to start picking yourself back up again. As far as how you stop smoking....First you stop associating with people who smoke. Second, you, under no circumstances buy any, should be easy as you have no money. And lastly, and most importantly, just don't inhale!! You have to make a conscious effort and choice to use. You are also the only one who can choose not to use. This is the part you "do by yourself" as you describe.

how do i get the respect and trust back that my family and my girlfriend once had for me???? i know that there are support groups and meeting. but i want to try and do it myself.
See the above for the answer to the first part of your question, and understand it is not going to happen overnight. I've been clean from pot 8 months now, and I am only now starting to rebuild relationships it took years to destroy. As addicts we always seek the easy, quick and simple solution. The fact is, it is not easy or quick.

As far as "doing it yourself"'s that worked for you so far?? Doesn't sound like it has been very effective. I tried that too, was on that same merry-go-round of self destruction you described. I couldn't just "do it on my own", I was in far too deep. You've made a great first step reaching out here for help. See, now you are no longer "doing it by yourself". I would also highly recommed checking out some of those "support groups" like AA or NA. They have a solution that works for many people, why not give it a shot?? They don't charge anything and it sounds like you have the time on your hands.

i have an appointment with my doctor this coming monday and i plan to come clean with her and tell her i dont need the pills anymore and want to discuss option.
This is excellent, a very positive step. Again, easy to talk about, but often easy to bale on at the last minute. Promise to yourself you will follow through on this. It will be one of the best things you can do. Your doctor can also assist you in getting help to fight this. As I know you know, if this were an easy thing, you wouldn't have been putting yourself and your loved ones through this for years.

i cant let my family know i have a problem, i have put them through too much. i hope someone can offer some comforting words. i feel my sanity is slipping away. i see a VA shrink once a month, who just gives me more pills!!
I can't say for sure, but I would imagine your family has a pretty good idea that you have a problem. It's not like this has just come up. I completely relate with the shame you feel going to them, AGAIN, to tell them that you f'd up. Dont' go to them asking for anything. You may not even want to tell them immediatly, show them some ACTION you are taking to help yourself. SHOW them instead of telling them. It goes a lot further.

I can relate with the sanity slipping away. It literally did with me. Ended up locked up in the mental ward...twice, and never totally recovering from the pill overdose I took to try to end it all. DON'T LET IT SLIP AWAY!! It really will of you don't do something about it. Come clean with your VA shrink the same way as you are going to with your doctor. I got scrip from my shrink too, and we always struggled with why it never seemed to work. Duh, I was using and drinking, of course it's not going to work. Does he know about your addict history? If not, make sure he does.

sorry for such a long winded rant but i had to get this off my chest. im tired of keeping this pain inside.

thanks to whomever takes the time to read this and hope i dont sound to crazy

No need to apoligise, as you will see, if you stick around, many, many of us have been exactly where you are, and have make it out. Back to being useful, productive members of society. This is a great place to get stuff off your chest and not be judged. Your story sounded so frighteningly similar to mine, I felt I had to respond. Don't give up. Go to a meeting, then go to more of them. You might not "get" what they have to say the first or even the second or third time, but you will be in a room with a whole bunch of people who have been where you are, and worse, and found a way to get out. You got nothing to lose, everything to gain. You're on the right track posting here. Don't be so stubborn and hard headed as I was and let this go on another 10 years, you might not make it that long, and that would truly be a waste. Take care brother. Reach out and take the hand that is being offered. You are worth it!!
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Old 01-21-2010, 11:45 AM
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Welcome to the family - I hope you'll come back and stay with us awhile.

You don't sound crazy at all. Most of us have been through many of those same things -our lives were chaos. In my thirties I didn't even consider quitting - still tried to control it - so you are doing better than me.

After I found SR, and had all sorts of wonderful people on my side, I was able to unburden myself and get the courage to stop. You can do this thing, and we'll help. Please let us know how you are today.
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Old 01-21-2010, 12:16 PM
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Thank you for your service to the country!!!

I imagine it must feel kind of weird to have gone to Iraq and fought...returned and found your Achilles Heel?

Please do keep us updated. One day at a time!
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Old 01-21-2010, 12:57 PM
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Welcome. I don't have any advice to give that hasn't already been given.

Just know this, if you really want to stop, you're going to have to make a lot of changes and some may be very uncomfortable and unpleasant, but man is it worth it.
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Old 01-21-2010, 01:47 PM
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You have already been offered great advice and so I just want to be another one that welcomes you to SR and to tell you that change can happen and will. It is work, but it is so worth the effort. You don't have to lose another thing.
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