dclifford

I am almost at rock bottom and feel i am literally losing my mind. I am 34 years old and really dont have anything of value except this laptop and my truck, which has already been repossessed once! Had to file bankruptcy to get it back. I just cant manage my money. 3 years ago, I had everything goin my way. I had a good job, a nice apartment, and was attending college. I got fired from my job, evicted from my apartment(second time), and my truck got repossessed(3rd vehicle in 7 years). The only thing that saved me was my girlfriend and her parents, who took me in. 3 years later, im still here, and unemployed. I have been fired from 5 jobs in 5 years. I have been divoced twice. My first marriage which ended in divorce in 2001, was the last time my life was in order. I had a daughter, a new home, new vehicle, and a good job. After my wife cheated on me several times, i just fell apart. I was living in Washington at the time because that is where the Army put me, I left to go back home here in Indiana. After things did not work out in Indiana in 2 months, i moved to Florida to live with my sister. That is when my problems truly started. Started with smoking weed everyday to forget about how much i missed my daughter and the life i had. then pills. xanax, vicodin, percocet, etc. not to mention drinking almost everyday. my sister couldnt put up with me anymore, so i moved to wisconsin to live with my aunt and uncle. well not to blame them, but they drank, smoked weed, and intoduced me to cocaine! Moved there in august of 2001, by december, i realized that if i didnt do something, i would end up dead. I missed my daughter terrible, and my ex-wife did not make things easier. Unemployed,broke,behind in child support, and addicted to drugs and alcohol, i realized the only way things would get better, and get to see my daughter again, I signed up for the Army again and got stationed back in washington so i could be close to my daughter again. 2002, i was back in washington and back in the army, which i loved. i also loved washington and never wanted to leave. after several attempts to locate my ex so i could see my daughter, i gave up. but i found peace in a girl i met. we fell in love instantly. the summer of 2002 was the last time i can say i was truly happy. I missed my daughter, but i had my army buddies and my new girlfriend for support. well, it didnt last long. In august of 2002, i was enrolled in seargent school. I was a good leader and a good soldier. I had to go away for a month. during that month, the woman i loved cheated on me. i found out when i got back, and lost it. I wasnt eating, being social with my buddies or family, except when we would go out when i would get **** drunk, and usually make and ass out of myself. started smoking weed again too. which almost got me kicked out of the Army. I got demoted instead of promoted. me and my girlfriend got back together, because i loved her so much, i forgave her. Things went back to normal. we got married in april of 2003. in february of 2003, i blew out my back and had to have surgery. I recovered, but that is when my addiction to pills really started.My unit was deployed to iraq in january 2004. I lost my mind over there. I was constanly prescribed Gabapentin or neurontin. Not a narcotic, but me and my army buddies figured out if u take alot of it, it gives u a euphoric felling. it makes u high and happy. i came back home to my wife after seven months because my back got worse, and the army decided to medically discharge me. poppin pills everyday and not trusting my wife, i constantly fought with her until she had enough. in january of 2005, i was out of the army and had a good job again, but my wife had enuff of the fighting and mood swings. she filed for divorce, and i moved into an apartment. i was taking pills everyday and smoking pot everyday. lost my job, my apartment, and my new truck. moved back here to indiana indecember 0f 2005. Met my current girlfriend and we have been together for 4 years now. she is the love of my life, but she is done giving me anymore chances at getting my life together. i need help, or i will lose her and then i will have nothing yet again. it is a vicious cycle as u can see. my childhood didnt help either. my stepdad was an abusive alcholic. so i was around that all the time. i dont want to end up like him. broke,no family or friends, just sitting around drinking or getting high, thinking of the life i used to have when i was a good father,soldier,husband, and a reliable,dependable person and a hard worker that my employers valued. I want to be the way i was before my first divorce. Happy, when me and the ex werent fighting. i had a good outlook on life. i have stolen from family and friends to get drugs. i will spend my last $20 on weed instead of buying gas. i am bankrupt, noone trust a thing i say, and i owe my girlfriend and her parents thousands of dollars. she had to put money in my checking account for like the twentieth time to get it into the positive beacause i cant control my money, i will take out my last penny to buy weed. i just quit smoking weed 3 days ago. for one i am broke, and two she found out and confronted me. I was smoking weed every single day for the last year. i failed my first semster in school again. i just stopped going. i was getting high everyday and snorting percocet at my friends place, letting everyone think i was goin to school. i even made up grades. i couldnt tell her i failed school again. I am on academic probation, and if i fail again, i will be kicked out of another school. I have goals, i want to get my degree in IT, and start my own business in the next 5 or 6 years. my addiction keeps getting in the way of my life. she has stayed with me when other women would have ran away screaming and everyone keeps telling her to cut her losses. but she sees the good side of me and believes in me. i owe it to her and myself to stop doing any kind of drugs. i get addicted to everything. i have tried to quit smoking 6 times in the last 3 years. what am i going to do??? for the first time i have no options. i cannot borrow anymore money, noone trust me. how do i get the respect and trust back that my family and my girlfriend once had for me???? i know that there are support groups and meeting. but i want to try and do it myself. i have an appointment with my doctor this coming monday and i plan to come clean with her and tell her i dont need the pills anymore and want to discuss option. i cant let my family know i have a problem, i have put them through too much. i hope someone can offer some comforting words. i feel my sanity is slipping away. i see a VA shrink once a month, who just gives me more pills!! i take adderral as well, of course not as prescribed, when i run out of that, time to refill my oxycodone and gabapentin which usually doesnt last me 2 weeks!! sorry for such a long winded rant but i had to get this off my chest. im tired of keeping this pain inside.

thanks to whomever takes the time to read this and hope i dont sound to crazy.