Welcome to the family - I hope you'll come back and stay with us awhile.
You don't sound crazy at all. Most of us have been through many of those same things -our lives were chaos. In my thirties I didn't even consider quitting - still tried to control it - so you are doing better than me.
After I found SR, and had all sorts of wonderful people on my side, I was able to unburden myself and get the courage to stop. You can do this thing, and we'll help. Please let us know how you are today.