Notices

The Fool...

Old 01-05-2010, 10:46 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Cause no harm
Thread Starter
 
Creekryder's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Missouri
Posts: 596
One last point and I'll retire for the evening. In addressing the issue of being too harsh with myself, thank you all for your kindness. However, when I do as I have in relapse, I need a hard slap to the face. It stings but a far less pain than continuing down the wrong path. Maybe not for everyone, but it sobered me up (no pun intended, lol)

Peace
Creekryder is offline  
Old 01-06-2010, 05:51 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
 
Saphie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: My world
Posts: 379
Okay if that's what it takes:

"What were you thinking of you crazy fool?"
Slap slap (real hard)

for all of you that aren't old enough, that quote was BA Barracus from the A-Team.

You asked for it Paddy
I bet you remember the A-Team. Sorry maybe that one was too hard.
Saphie is offline  
Old 01-06-2010, 06:13 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
 
humblestudent's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 256
Your writing is beautiful...

In addition to the powerful content of your post, I could not help but notice what a gifted writer you are. The way you turn a phrase is a talent you have, and one that if you have not already recognized, you should give yourself credit for. You touch people with your words. I felt your pain, it touched mine, and I want you to know you're not alone.:ghug3
humblestudent is offline  
Old 01-06-2010, 07:15 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
 
KenL's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,385
This one's for you Creekryder. If only I could do it in real life.

Hope it makes you laugh, it sounds like you could use it. All will be well. Just don't ever give up.

KenL is offline  
Old 01-06-2010, 07:58 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Member
 
Mark75's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by Creekryder View Post
this battle will continue the rest of my life. But I have to live to continue the fight.
Well, maybe you'd feel less the fool if you quit fighting... surrender is sometimes the choice of the wise man, and can actually be a badge of courage that will lead you to ultimate triumph.

Think about it.

Mark
Mark75 is offline  
Old 01-06-2010, 10:09 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
 
littlefish's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,650
Well, to inject a little humor in the thread, the "fool" card in a tarot deck is usually chosen to represent the person interested in the reading of the cards.

The card doesn't mean a fool in the traditional sense, but, someone going on a journey. The figure is portrayed standing at the edge of a cliff: symbolizing stepping into the unknown.
So, it is a card that can represent all of us in recovery: we are stepping into the unknown, poised
to make a change, and on a journey. Most cards have a small dog pulling at the clothes of the fool. Maybe that small dog represents relapse....things that can make our journey difficult.

Welcome back: as my sponsor told me after I relapsed once....it is not me that is a bad person, or "the fool", so to speak. I have a disease. I was my choice of behavior that was wrong.
littlefish is offline  
Old 01-06-2010, 05:59 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 204,910
Originally Posted by Creekryder View Post
You know, Dee, I have accepted the stigma of being and alcoholic, have for years. But you bring up a very valid point that I have also known but tend to sweep under the rug-I haven't accepted the fact that drinking can never be part of my life. I know I can't control it. I know I will never be able to have a couple of drinks and leave it. Too much of my life has been centered around drinking. Since I was 15 when I took my first serious drinks, it has become a part of me. I look at old photos of me and I most always have a beer in my hand. That will be a great legacy for my children and grandchildren when they look through those photos in the future.

A couple of months back I wrote of going to a party where there were a lot of people drinking. I expressed the recognition that I didn't know how to interact as a sober entity. Then I convinced myself I could do just fine in that situation. Bull###t!!! I am not a pillar of strength, capable of just ignoring the lifestyle I have lived for years. I have yet to truly allow myself to believe that drinking must be out of the picture. On the gut level I have been lying to myself. And that is the reason I relapse. Thank you, Dee, for bringing that to my attention. I have said the words, but down deep am not listening. Until I do that, sobriety will remain a flighty condition that will alway be just on the brink of collapse.

I grow so tired of on and off abstinence. How in the world do I erase those elements that cling so tenaciously? I have a lot of thinking to do before I drift off to sleep.

Peace
That was my biggest battle P - since I was 18 I defined myself by my drug and alcohol use - my aim was to 'be high'...reality was always too mundane for me...In my mind, I was following in the footsteps of those old bluesmen, or those 60s rockers...Jimi, Jerry Garcia...Janis...

the truth was a whole lot less noble...and even when I came to admit that...the dream of some kind of peaceful co-existence between me and alcohol lingered.

It was Liz Taylor to my Richard Burton, Nancy to my Sid...bad for me, terminal in fact, but I loved it and couldn't let go...not completely. I always came back.

I had to nearly die to wake up. Don't ride the rails that far, P - some folks don't get another chance and you've got a lot of people who'd miss you too much.

There is a life without booze - and it's so much better.

I spent too many years at my old address through fear and pride and sheer pigheadedness.

I'm hoping you move in permanently on my side of town, my friend

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 01-06-2010, 09:08 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Cause no harm
Thread Starter
 
Creekryder's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Missouri
Posts: 596
Thanks, KenL, I needed that!
Creekryder is offline  
Old 01-06-2010, 09:27 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Member
 
KenL's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,385
Just glad to know that it was well received, my friend. Take 'er easy and stay sober.
KenL is offline  
Old 01-07-2010, 07:01 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Life is Grand
 
Surlyredhead's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,011
I am just glad you are back Padriac.

Cathy
Surlyredhead is offline  
Old 01-07-2010, 08:26 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 222
you are a good writer! you should blog for money!
shugabooga is offline  
Old 01-19-2010, 10:17 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
Cause no harm
Thread Starter
 
Creekryder's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Missouri
Posts: 596
Just a quick update to let you know the fool is still a fool.

Sinking into an abysmal ocean of self-pity, I drank again. I chose to take Alcohol's seemingly comforting hand and plunged into those dark waters yet again. And I repeated the fateful jump the next evening...then the next. Each time I could feel the chain of addiction again wrap around me until I felt helpless and alone. I suffer the thoughts that I have lost the fight once again. Why not just surrender and everything will be fine. Her song begins to haunt my thoughts. Her lips brush against mine as the warm liquid slides down my throat and dissolves my will and strangles my soul. My life spirit is displaced by the volume of addiction. I close my eyes and allow it.

Then, in the dawn's light, she is gone, leaving the sour, stale remnant of her kiss and the ache of remorse from accepting her embrace. My soul cries for reprieve and begs "no more!" Then, in the early evening, she returns, the Siren of Mythomania, and draws me close to her busom and softly tells me the lies once more.

Last night I wouldn't listen to the lulling. Tonight, it was difficult, but I again refused her advances. If only the wax of Odysseus could stay in my ears, that I would never have to hear that song again for the rest of my life.

So here I sit, sober, tired, and afraid. A healthy fear, though, for I am a heartbeat away from relapse, and I know it. But not tonight. It will not happen tonight. The main battle of the day is over and I have won this one. Pray I fight again tomorrow evening.

Peace
Creekryder is offline  
Old 01-20-2010, 02:52 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
Don't resist, allow
 
intention's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South East of England
Posts: 1,521
Congratulations on one day sober. Are you going to do the same again today?
intention is offline  
Old 01-20-2010, 05:46 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
Member
 
Saphie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: My world
Posts: 379
'She' is not a faithful lover. 'She' has many and goes from one to another.
'She' has no bosom, only implants presenting percentage.
Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone like 'her'?
Maybe you should try and write down a description of an evil person instead of a loving, attractive lover. Just a thought.
One day is how we all start again, so congrats for day one. Only day two to think about and........not drink.
I'll be thinking of you.
Marion
Saphie is offline  
Old 01-20-2010, 06:39 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
Member
 
littlefish's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,650
It was hard as hell for me to do it, but I have been calling people. That's what they tell me to do in AA, that is what every rehab center tells you to do, that is just common sense. But, I like to hang on to the idea that I am a lone wolf(ette) and I don't need anyone's help.
Monday I called someone about a codie issue and asked for advice. It was hard to do, I have always mixed up pride with stubborness.
Anyway, it was a good thing to do and talking to someone else helped me sort out the feelings.
Two white haired active alcoholic 68-year-olds are making a crazy road trip across the western US in a broken down car ......and:

I can't control it,
I didn't cause it....

and I am going to just think about my own recovery and stop solving all the worlds problems.
Try to become familiar with using the phone! Isolation went hand in hand with my alcoholism: they fed off of each other and plunged me into that downward spiral even deeper.
littlefish is offline  
Old 01-20-2010, 07:35 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
Cause no harm
Thread Starter
 
Creekryder's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Missouri
Posts: 596
Saphie,
My addiction "lover" is beautiful...on the outside. But on the inside, she is soulless and her heart is black. With the "infatuated mind" (the alcoholic brain,) I can only see superficially and the true nature is hidden in that blindness. The only way to regain true insight is not to "kiss those lips." As I had PM'd Pennylane a few moments ago, my analogies are meant to display my emotional side of addiction. To paint an image rather than to just write words.

With the help of my friends on SR, I will continue to deal with the problem...a day at a time. You all help me make the decision to return yet again. I lose hope at times, only to regain it with your concerns. Again, I thank you all.

Peace,
Padraic
Creekryder is offline  
Old 01-20-2010, 07:41 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
Cause no harm
Thread Starter
 
Creekryder's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Missouri
Posts: 596
Littlefish,
You are correct. Aloneness only provides an easy access for the addiction to slip back into our lives. In the remote area where I live, I have few people to share my plight. It seems alcohol and meth are the main activities because of the distance from anything. SR at the moment, remains my avenue of correspondence.

Padraic
Creekryder is offline  
Old 01-20-2010, 08:07 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
Member
 
ghostgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 239
thank you for sharing that. i know the feeling. good that you see it the way that you do, and your perspective is really helpful for me.

gg
ghostgirl is offline  
Old 01-20-2010, 08:08 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
Life is Grand
 
Surlyredhead's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,011
Padriac, if I knew where you were, I would find you and give you a beat down you would not soon forget!!!(you would have to really know me to understand that it would be a sign of affection) Then I would hug you and tell you to get up, wipe yourself off and start over. You have so many people here who are pulling for you, me included. Be strong my friend, you can win this fight...you just have to fight as dirty as the disease.

MEGA

Cathy
Surlyredhead is offline  
Old 01-20-2010, 10:19 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Padriac,

You've been around here long enough that I'm sure you've heard this pitch before, but have you thought about AA?

I say this because you are described so well in that book. The guy who makes a firm resolution to never drink again (and really means it), then picks up that first drink and starts the cycle over, emerging remorseful and makes another decision to never drink. Repeated over and over again.

There is nothing unusual or special about that. It's absolutely run of the mill alcoholism. It describes me for years. See, I could make the decision to not drink, but I couldn't manage that decision. I simple did not have the power to manage it.

AA is all about giving you a way to get that power. It may not be the only way, but I've seen it work for some pretty hopeless cases, myself included.
keithj is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:44 AM.