Old 12-11-2009, 10:46 AM
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I'm posting this so I won't ever forget how stupid I was, how stupid I felt, and how stupid I have been.

Drinking has been an escape for me off and on for over 10 years. No matter what I said I didn't have time for - I always had time to drink, because after the first few it didn't matter what I was missing out on. It didn't matter what I'd skrewed up on lately, or what I was feeling, or why. Vodka was the perfect solution. I drank to celebrate, I drank when I was depressed. I drank for entertainment, and I drank because I could. I even drank when I was pregnant. I’d drink and ride horses, I’d drink and drive. Besides a few minor incidents usually laughed about – I didn’t think that drinking affected my life. Not really…

I could usually resist going to buy the booze on weekdays, but if it was in the house I was GOING to drink it. So I was at the liquor store one weekend and my favorite vodka was on sale. I bought 2 bottles (IT WAS ON SALE!!!) and when I got home I told my husband to hide it on me so I would only drink one. Come Wednesday afternoon, trying to stay out of the liquor store, I decided that if I could find the hidden bottle I could have a drink. I deserved it, didn’t I? I was wrapping Christmas presents and a drink would go rather festively! It was like a treasure hunt – and was out in the shed in the camping cooler under all the recycling boxes really that good a hiding place anyway?

The afternoon went swiftly and as I threw on my coat to go pick up my daughter from playschool there was only a few drinks left in the bottle.

I remember thinking “I’m really not that drunk!” several times that afternoon – but that’s about all I remember. I woke up the next morning and had to check on my daughter because I didn’t remember putting her to bed. I reached for her bag that I hadn’t unpacked yet – and there were other bags by the door. Apparently I’d bought groceries AND gone to the farm supply store for horse dewormer.

A memory came rushing back at that moment – clients from my work had been there… we had talked …I think I said something bad about my boss… they gave me awkward looks.

I was beyond mortified. What if something had happened? What if I had left my daughter somewhere? What DID I say to all those people (apparently there had been a lot)….and what would I say to them next time I saw them? What did they think of me now? A terribly tragic drunk of a mother who doesn’t care what happens to her or her daughter?

I couldn’t stop shaking and vomiting all day long, and I don’t think it was from the bottle I drank the day before. I’d been drunk before, and done stupid things – in fact I usually drank so the stupid things I did wouldn’t feel so embarrassing – but this was rock bottom. I can’t believe I’m so stupid.

Tomorrow will be day 7. One week, and already the sick part of my brain is telling me “it wasn’t that bad, don’t worry about it. A few drinks and everything’ll feel much better”. I hope I don’t start believing it.
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Old 12-11-2009, 10:57 AM
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Welcome to SR! Don't listen to that alcoholic voice when it tells you lies. Congrats on your six days sober and big hugs on deciding to live a sober life!
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Old 12-11-2009, 11:08 AM
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I can remember times like that...or I should say the bits and pieces I could remember the next day. Don't give in to that voice. In the end you'll regret it. Have you talked to your doctor yet? Do you have some type of plan or support?
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Old 12-11-2009, 11:27 AM
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It was on SALE!

That was my favorite line. Thank you! I often had similar crazy thoughts. If my inner addict was going to drink then any excuse would do.

Sorry you had to go through all that but maybe it'll help in the future? Relapse is symptomatic of this affliction for most people. Don't beat yourself up. Just get through this and stay sober. You know what can happen if you don't.

The last time I decided I could handle a couple of beers one evening to just gently blur things a bit (Just One Night of course!) I started into a week long bender. I am not one to drive after drinking but I was out of booze on a Sunday and the liquor stores are closed on that day in this state. What could I do? So, I hit a bar and poured it into me. Don't really remember leaving the bar, don't know why I didn't go directly home, but I do remember police car lights going on behind me when I was driving around in town trying to find a friend's house. Don't remember everything the policeman said to me but I do remember spending the night in jail....and court the next day.

That was after 30 years of having this disease. I had always been so proud that I had never had any "real" problems....YET.

The YETs will get us if we don't stay sober.

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Old 12-11-2009, 11:28 AM
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I drank when I was pregnant too. I cut back considerably but it is still one of the things in my life I am most ashamed of. After my children were born I went back to drinking so quickly that I didn't dare breastfeed them. Now I'm thanking God that my children were not physically or mentally affected by my addiction. I too used to do things I had no memory my son a bath (once I even slipped and fell in the bathroom with him in my arms), forgetting not only to lock, but to CLOSE the back door at night, making phone calls and not having a clue who I talked to or what I said. Please do not be too hard on yourself; you are now doing what is necessary to change your life and that's what matters. Congrats on day 6! I am incredibly hapy for you and can't wait til I can say that I am on day 6...right now I am only on two...but I'll get there. Keep up the good work!
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Old 12-11-2009, 11:35 AM
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Originally Posted by lostmyway View Post
Please do not be too hard on yourself; you are now doing what is necessary to change your life and that's what matters.
This could not have been said better. Remorse is an enemy that is very large. It can knock you back down again and keep you down.

Be thankful you've had a wakeup call and are doing everything in your power to stay sober. You can do it. Now is the time to get a plan started. Congratulations and welcome to SR.
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Old 12-11-2009, 02:03 PM
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seeking recovery
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Tomorrow will be day 7. One week, and already the sick part of my brain is telling me “it wasn’t that bad, don’t worry about it. A few drinks and everything’ll feel much better”. I hope I don’t start believing it.[

Dear FN
I am Day 7 today and as you wrote above, those thoughts are also in my head, which confirms to me that this disease truly has a MIND OF ITS OWN.
This time i am going to do things differently as pray i am DONE with being on merry go-around.
Plan to go to AA tonight, doing step 1-2-3, more active on this site.
Just remember you are not alone in this battle! WE CAN WIN THIS FIGHT!
kind regards
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Old 12-11-2009, 02:15 PM
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Posting was a great idea - we're so good at rationalising: 'it wasn't that bad', 'I'll be more careful', 'I'll say I was joking'...for me posting here gave me a record to look back on...yes it really was that bad.

Congrats on your sober time, ad welcome to SR
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Old 12-11-2009, 02:41 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2009
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Hey Flashy!! On my Day 1, I was already thinking, "Ah, a six pack won't hurt!" Ugh. In 07, I got sober for 7 months after driving my car head on into a concrete wall on the freeway. Two weeks after that incident, those thoughts were already popping into my head. No car, taking the bus to work after a near death experience that I walked away from safe and those thoughts still lingered. I fought them for 7 months, improved my life beyond belief, started to repair the damage I'd done to myself and others, and one little drink back turned into 10000s and here I am, over 2 years later, trying to do it again.

Nothing is worth that drink. Sometimes I have to knock it down to the basics without the thought of disease or addiction floating in my head - "I want to throw my life away because of a BEVERAGE?? Fluid? Liquid poison? I want to throw my life away to drink a poison?" Then I just laugh at myself. Seems so ridiculous. In reality, I know that it's not that simple, but sometimes "keep it simple stupid" is all I've got . . .

Stay strong! We're here to support you!! Be well hon.
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Old 12-11-2009, 03:13 PM
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I love your screen name, Flashy. Welcome.
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Old 12-11-2009, 03:26 PM
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Hi Flashy. That was a well written post & I enjoyed it - thanks! As Horselover said, try not to get stuck in remorse mode. Remorse, guilt, shame - all valid feelings that help us want to get better, but once we own up to what we've done and decide to make changes, those feelings must be put aside. I personally remained so down on myself for several years that it was impossible for me to maintain sobriety. I'd wake up in a cold sweat, reliving the past, and go grab a drink to calm my nerves.

Thankfully, nothing tragic happened to you, and a new day is dawning. Be happy, and hopeful. We're so glad you found us to help you along your journey to a new life.
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Old 12-11-2009, 07:46 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2008
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Welcome to SR....I like your name, too!

One thing that has helped keep me sober, are those horrible memories. I do NOT want to go back there. I can't go back don't have to, either.
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