Thread: Day6
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Old 12-11-2009, 09:46 AM
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FlashyNickers
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 3
Day6

I'm posting this so I won't ever forget how stupid I was, how stupid I felt, and how stupid I have been.

Drinking has been an escape for me off and on for over 10 years. No matter what I said I didn't have time for - I always had time to drink, because after the first few it didn't matter what I was missing out on. It didn't matter what I'd skrewed up on lately, or what I was feeling, or why. Vodka was the perfect solution. I drank to celebrate, I drank when I was depressed. I drank for entertainment, and I drank because I could. I even drank when I was pregnant. I’d drink and ride horses, I’d drink and drive. Besides a few minor incidents usually laughed about – I didn’t think that drinking affected my life. Not really…

I could usually resist going to buy the booze on weekdays, but if it was in the house I was GOING to drink it. So I was at the liquor store one weekend and my favorite vodka was on sale. I bought 2 bottles (IT WAS ON SALE!!!) and when I got home I told my husband to hide it on me so I would only drink one. Come Wednesday afternoon, trying to stay out of the liquor store, I decided that if I could find the hidden bottle I could have a drink. I deserved it, didn’t I? I was wrapping Christmas presents and a drink would go rather festively! It was like a treasure hunt – and was out in the shed in the camping cooler under all the recycling boxes really that good a hiding place anyway?

The afternoon went swiftly and as I threw on my coat to go pick up my daughter from playschool there was only a few drinks left in the bottle.

I remember thinking “I’m really not that drunk!” several times that afternoon – but that’s about all I remember. I woke up the next morning and had to check on my daughter because I didn’t remember putting her to bed. I reached for her bag that I hadn’t unpacked yet – and there were other bags by the door. Apparently I’d bought groceries AND gone to the farm supply store for horse dewormer.

A memory came rushing back at that moment – clients from my work had been there… we had talked …I think I said something bad about my boss… they gave me awkward looks.

I was beyond mortified. What if something had happened? What if I had left my daughter somewhere? What DID I say to all those people (apparently there had been a lot)….and what would I say to them next time I saw them? What did they think of me now? A terribly tragic drunk of a mother who doesn’t care what happens to her or her daughter?

I couldn’t stop shaking and vomiting all day long, and I don’t think it was from the bottle I drank the day before. I’d been drunk before, and done stupid things – in fact I usually drank so the stupid things I did wouldn’t feel so embarrassing – but this was rock bottom. I can’t believe I’m so stupid.

Tomorrow will be day 7. One week, and already the sick part of my brain is telling me “it wasn’t that bad, don’t worry about it. A few drinks and everything’ll feel much better”. I hope I don’t start believing it.
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