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The truth is......

Old 11-18-2009, 04:03 AM
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The truth is......

Ya see, I have enough money to be the life of the party, I can buy friends for whatever night I am without them really.

It's killing me.

It doesn't matter to the people I drink with, I can buy all night.

It doesn't matter to the bar owner, my tabs are always paid in good standing.

Money, in alot of ways makes me as sick as my drinking does. It's hard for me to equate the two. When I'm doing well financially, well, in my mind I'm doing well, so I tend to just go all holds barred and get crazy. I entrap others to join me, I buy even when they've had enough, as if their presence will help alleviate the pain I feel inside. It doesn't work. So I come home, to a nice, big house and I'm lost again. It's not a home, it's just a nice big house, that I die in every day.

So, is there an answer, quite frankly, I don't know.

I tried AA, and even went there today, but ended up drunk tonight. What's wrong? I wish I knew.
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Old 11-18-2009, 04:10 AM
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happiness is an inside job. Money cant make you happy. You can take that as my experience. I had plenty of it and was never as miserable.

Going to AA meetings alone wont make you better either. You need to ask for help, get on a program and apply it to your life.

Thats what I did and it works!! Life is great and so are my friends. I dont need to buy them anything. They give feely.

I hope you find peace. Take care.
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Old 11-18-2009, 04:32 AM
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I reached a point...I drank enough so that all the self pity and philosophising in the word didn't matter any more....everything else boiled away...I just wanted to live, not die.

I hope you don't need to push the envelope as far as I did...cos some just don't make it, D. That's the real truth here.

I wish you the experience of that second chance I had.

Get some rest, mate.
D
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Old 11-18-2009, 04:45 AM
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Originally Posted by nelco View Post
Going to AA meetings alone wont make you better either. You need to ask for help, get on a program and apply it to your life.

I second this one. Get a Big Book, find a good sponsor (quickly) and get down to doing the work involved.

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely
give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.

There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
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Old 11-18-2009, 05:02 AM
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Yeah, go sleep it off, FS...

Philosophizing on money and happiness.. so plebian.

Sorry, I am pretending to be a college student, after all...

But I was gonna add, we could solve both our problems... temporarily. You give me all your money, and I'm no longer broke and you're no longer questioning the relationship of money and happiness at 3 am.

I've been--according to most definitions I've seen here--poor all my life, although from my perspective, that has has varied greatly. Month to month and saving up for $300 items seems well-off to me. Right now, I am as broke as when I was an infant.

I've been in situations where I was happy, and situations where I cannot get happy to save my life. Pretty sure the money factor doesn't come into play.

TB, PM inbound...

PS, and yeah, like me, apparently 20 days is the max... dunno what in your case but we gotta do something different that's very true. hang in there, and SLEEP. throw away any liquor, beer, bar buddies...
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Old 11-18-2009, 05:06 AM
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Firestorm,

You are trying to fill the emptiness within you, with alcohol, with money and with friends that you buy.

I was desparately empty too. I knew that I had to reconnect to my spiritual self or I wouldn't be able to recover. This is what I did - I started taking long walks and I allowed myself to be very quiet, I listened to music, I read books. Before long, I was able to hear my soul's message, which had always been there, but I had ignored it completely.
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Old 11-18-2009, 05:10 AM
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Hope you stay safe. The idea of buying friends for company or whatever seems a desperate place to be in and I wish you well
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Old 11-18-2009, 05:11 AM
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When you said "You Tried AA" what exactly did you "Try"? Many people are falsly put under the impression that their obsession would go away if they simply went to meetings. Thank Dr. Laura, Dr Phil, Oprah and the rest of mainstream media for this.
Did you open the book? Did you read the book? Did you take any (if not all) of the suggested steps?
Maybe you need to keep drinking until those "Friends" stop coming around regardless of whether you're buying or not.
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Old 11-18-2009, 05:31 AM
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Hey Firestorm

Alcoholism makes you feel desperately empty. I remember the emptiness all too well. The only thing that could fill the hole was alcohol and my drinking friends. When I was younger, before my alcoholism set in, I was actually quite spiritual. I see that now. I was in contact with my higer power, whatever that was. Then suddenly, out of the blue, I lost contact with that higer power. I can't remember if I had started drinking when it began but I think so. I think touching alcohol was the biggest mistake of my life. However, I'm not regretting it now. I learned a lot!

I've been yearning for spirituality since I started drinking. Alcohol was my "spirit". But it stopped working, made me crazy, ****** me up more than I'd like to admit, I believe.

I stopped drinking, started AA and it's been the best decision I've ever made for myself. I'm not recovered but well on my way, I hope You don't need to be squandering all your money on drinking buddys anymore. You don't need to fill that hole with alcohol anymore. Stop, go to AA and listen. Give it a chance. I promise, if you give it a fair chance you just might end up sober, happy and truly wealthy!

All the best
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Old 11-18-2009, 05:38 AM
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What's wrong? I wish I knew
From what you wrote I think you partly answered your question:
...as if their presence will help alleviate the pain I feel inside. It doesn't work. So I come home, to a nice, big house and I'm lost again. It's not a home, it's just a nice big house, that I die in every day.
Sounds like things you just can't solve with money or "just attending" a support group. The pain and the feeling of not belonging is something that I had to adress from the inside to get better. I had to take a look at the reasons and getting sober was just the beginnig. In order to stay sober it requires to work on the underlying issues contionusly.
Hope you are sleeping it off safely,
S.
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Old 11-18-2009, 06:54 AM
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That is your truth? Well I admit it leaves me totally confused. I hope you will consider an extended stay in a rehab soon Dallas
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Old 11-18-2009, 08:14 AM
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Before I attempt at making sense of what you're typing, I have to remind myself that you're drunk again tonight, and posting this. You're right, you are dying in that house.. and one of these days it will unfortunately become quite literal.

I second the vote on inpatient rehab. Maybe put all that money towards something that will save your life instead of end it.
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Old 11-18-2009, 08:28 AM
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Something inside you has to change, I don't know exactly what it is, I think it is really different for everyone. I've not had money (because I spent it all on drugs) and thought I was happy, but I was really just high. Now I have plenty of money (because I have a better job, because I quit the drugs) and I really struggle with happiness. Still, the happiness has never been there, I used the drugs to make me "feel" happy, not be happy.

I don't work a 12step program, but I am working with doctors, a theripist, SR, and reading on the topic, and even though I haven't found the "happieness" I so crave, I am staying clean, and do feel like I am making progress in that direction.

I would also recommend the inpatient rehab. Apparently you have the money to do it, so do it. If nothing else, it givs you a 30 "timeout" to work exclusively on you and your issues. There is no temptation to drink, as it just isn't an option there. Make a comitment to your sobriety. Take the plunge. That's what it is really all about. Take care.
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Old 11-18-2009, 01:57 PM
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Want to be truly happy? Have a **** ton of cash to throw away? Make a crackhead's (who doesn't smoke crack anymore)day and donate to a worthy cause. Donate to a charity or heck, donate to the charity of ME! I need new clothes, supplies for my measly business (wanna be business partners???), food, and be able to pay my bills without sweating my bank account and having it go under, again! That happened a few weeks ago, and gosh I felt like using. I missed a 16 dollar charge and a 20 dollar one and each one cost me 33 bucks. With a 100 dollar a week paycheck, you can bet that HURT ME! So donate to me! LOLOL..
All kidding aside, donate some money to a local charity. Habitat for humanity, animal shelter, child organization, church, feeding the hungry, etc. And of course, I won't say no if you want to help out a recovering crackhead with two kids and elderly mother to care for.
I am sorry to say, I think money is a trigger for you. Seriously. When I had cash, in early recovery, I was just plotting ways to spend it on crack. I'd buy my crack and my ex's crack just so I'd have someone to smoke it with. Yes, misery loves company.
However, I am so poor I cannot afford to pay attention these days and I am actually happier. I've found a wonderful man, I've got a job (hey, in this economy, that's really something! ), and I've got opportunity and a future. That's the brightest part. Yeah, when my account went under, I felt like using. But I took steps to prevent me from doing so. I picked up the phone and called people, told on my addiction. I dropped off my cash, bank card, and phone with my boyfriend.
I think a good start would be to put someone you trust, completely, in control of your money. When I still had a little bit of money, someone else was in charge of it. I had to provide receipts for anything I spent. I was NOT allowed to have cash, period. The bank card was given to me in order to get what I needed (gas, cigs, hair supplies, kids stuff), get the receipt, and give it back. If I was gone longer than expected, the money keeper was blowing up my phone or hunting me down. I had no avenue to sneak around and get crack, other than to either steal or sell myself for it, neither of which I was willing to do (any longer- for the stealing part, had not gotten to selling myself). It might be something you can look into. Or maybe asking your bank to set a daily spending limit... Something like 50 bucks. IDK.
Something needs to change in your life, and if you're willing to blow cash on drugs (alcohol is a drug), and you're still not happy, something better to do would be to help someone in need. That will make YOU feel good and help someone else feel better.
My ex has plenty of money. Millions in a trustfund. He smokes crack, meth, and shoots heroin, EVERY DAY. Drinks sometimes. Never had a real relationship. He can't handle a good woman. The ONLY good woman he ever had (yeah, that's me) he had to drive to his own level. He offered crack to me numerous times before I finally took the bait and quickly fell to his level. I've seen him, twice, since we parted ways and talked to mutual friends. They say he is, literally, crashing. Dying right before their eyes and he cannot find happiness. He cannot find peace. He spends that money, and the money he gets from his women (hookers) on drugs.
What will it take for you to find peace? Death? Life without being drunk or high? Let us help you. You have to want it for yourself, but let others reach out and help you. I like the idea of rehab. It will give you some time to yourself without temptation.
Don't die. Don't just go to a house. Get home. Your friends and/or family are there waiting for you, at home. Sell that piece of junk. It's nothing anyway. Get to the rehab. Get to meetings. Get a smaller home, cozy it up, and get clean and sober. We're here for you. We'll root for you.
Hey, if a crackhead can stay away from crack for nearly 10 months, you can do it!!! LOL. Just a little more of my wacky humor. Too much caffiene.. But seriously, YOU CAN DO IT!!!
We love you and we don't want you to die.
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