Old 10-26-2009, 04:33 AM
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I wish I could cocoon myself, live in my very own non-alcoholic bubble. Things would be so much easier. I need to share, not start a discussion, not even ask for advise (I think I know what people would tell me), just a simple write it down to feel better share.
This weekend started out quite okay, I even had a little time to go onto SR. I have mentioned before that I had a tough time understanding my non-alcoholic husband and was given very good advise, which I followed and it helped. I thought last week was a big breakthrough when he did bring home a can of beer and left the case at his buddy's shop. Wow, finally he gets it. I don't mind him drinking, I just can't handle it being kept in the house. We went out yesterday afternoon and as I was making some space in his van and there it was: A big bottle of Vodka. I don't like it, never have, but I used to drink it because it got me where I needed to be quickly and someone once told me you can't smell it on your breath, which btw is not true. So there it was staring at me, calling my name. I felt angry, upset, so resentful even hate. I didn't say anything. I guess the van is not the house and because he is not alcoholic it will be there for a few weeks with me knowing it's there.
Did I have a drink? NO I DID NOT.
Do I feel grateful, happy and all the other things I tell people they should feel cause they resisted temptation? NO I DO NOT. All I feel is numb, empty and lonely.
I am Marion and I am an alcoholic. Thanks for letting me share.
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Old 10-26-2009, 05:25 AM
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Hi Marion

Isn't this a bitch sometimes... Feelings come out of left field and we are often not ready and are surprised by them.

You feel numb, empty and lonely. Yea I got, still get, that sometimes. Especially that last one.... Lonely... It is a singularly difficult path when we have partners who still drink.

He probably should not keep a container of alcohol in the van... mostly because it is illegal, but I can think of a couple of reasons besides that, and they are not about you, if you get what I mean.

It was a beautiful day yesterday, uh?... bet you didn't need that little surprise. It'll get better....

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Old 10-26-2009, 06:16 AM
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Tell him about how U discovered that bottle.
U know it is there, not healthly or good 4 U. That bottle will be calling U. Have him remove it.
Just my 2 cents.
Stay strong.
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Old 10-26-2009, 06:48 AM
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I felt terribly alone too, when I stopped drinking.

I didn't know anyone who was an alcoholic and my family just didn't get it, nor did they want to be involved in any way, in my recovery.

I began to realize that I had to do this for myself and that is when I began to heal.
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Old 10-26-2009, 06:54 AM
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I feel you, Marion.

For seven years, I've built a social life entirely on drinking. That means that I chose my partners and my friends based on how often they could go out and drink with me. I'm not proud of it, that's just the way it was.

I got lucky and am now with a man who doesn't drink. The friend situation, seems like now that I don't drink, no one wants to hang out with me. I'm 25, and it seems like the only people my age who DON'T drink don't do so because of religious reasons or something. And so it's hard for me to make friends.

The sucks sometimes.
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Old 10-26-2009, 07:02 AM
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it's all happening
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I had something I was going to say about this, and then went off and did something else, and now for the life of me can't remember what the heck it was.

Frigging PAWS.
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Old 10-26-2009, 07:09 AM
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You are never alone, Marion. We've all had these feelings, or something similar. That's the beauty of SR - so many of us coming together with the same thoughts & struggles -when there's no one else in our life who truly understands what we're going through.

Once I got past my resentment and anger, & felt I could resist temptation, I allowed my husband to keep a few beers in the fridge. I never once wanted to grab one and drink it, but I had almost died from my last binge - so I was very committed to not touching it because I knew my life was threatened. Years ago, when I wasn't that badly off, it definitely would have been a temptation to have it in the house & I'd probably have caved.

I know you're not in the mood for congratulations, and I get that! I'm still going to say it, though - be proud of your strength in resisting a sip of that vodka. It will get better, the intensity of this whole thing will ease up as you go along. I'm glad you came here to talk about this!
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Old 10-26-2009, 09:21 AM
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Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
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Prayers for your peace coming your way
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Old 10-26-2009, 10:16 AM
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i have found that i no longer need or want to defend myself against what i perceive to be happening around me. This is one of the direct results of living a new way of life using the 12 Steps & 12 Traditions. i used to believe that my ego could insulate me from God and society. i had an army of character defects ready to go to war as soon as it got the order from the "joint chiefs of staff" in my head. And when all else failed, i could always resort to fear, anger, and resentments as a method to cope with the world around me. Thank God i don't live that kind of life anymore!!

i hope and pray you will find your way in how to stay clean & sober each day.
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Old 10-26-2009, 11:24 AM
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Hang in there. My husband started a new project last year of making wine. I did try some before I stopped drinking and didn't care for it. Didn't get me where I needed to be fast enough. Just trying to look at it as his and not mine. He doesn't drink the hard stuff but I happen to see some in the bedroom and have had no desire to touch that. He always got mad when I touched "his" stuff because it would be gone in no time so he was always hiding it. It isn't yours so leave it alone! It shouldn't be in his car ask him to put it somewhere where you won't accidentally find it. He isn't doing this to you on purpose...
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Old 10-26-2009, 01:24 PM
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I'm so glad that even with all the negative feelings I was harboring, I still have my sense of humor and although I was feeling pretty low when reading all the replies, I had to smile when I read 'Lovestotravel'. If it was down to the drink not being mine I would have stopped years ago. I drank his stuff, I replaced his stuff, heck I watered down his stuff. You must be the most understanding person there is. I feel he may not do it on purpose, but he is old and ugly enough to know better.
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Old 10-26-2009, 01:37 PM
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Do I feel grateful, happy and all the other things I tell people they should feel cause they resisted temptation? NO I DO NOT. All I feel is numb, empty and lonely.
Your feelings don't surprise me. Early sobriety can be so tough. In time, you will adjust to a sober life. Today, it doesn't bother me if there is some alcohol in the house (mind you, a cold, 24 case of beer in the fridge might).

Have you thought about a recovery program? You don't have to do this alone.
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Old 10-26-2009, 01:54 PM
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I drank his stuff, I replaced his stuff, heck I watered down his stuff.
Honey, I sure know the name of the replacing game. I played it for years on end. Me and that yellow plastic funnel were very good friends. I also did the water down thang. The bottles in the liquor cabinet had an amazing capacity to change their volume! Woooops! How did that happen? Heeehee: I may as well have written your post.

keep coming back: it gets better-
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Old 10-26-2009, 01:57 PM
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I replaced his stuff, heck I watered down his stuff
I have done this too, in the end of my worst and last drinking phase, with a bottle of hard liquor that belonged to a flatmate. On more than one occasion. I still shudder when I think of it.

I now have no problem if there is alcohol around the house, I just know that I am done with it. I have done this for myself and I had to adress some very painful underlying problems when I got sober, and that actually helped me in my recovery and made me more serene in my sobriety. I don't feel tempted by the bottles, but if it was the case, I would kindly request them to be kept away from the shared space. If you feel uncomfortable with the vodka in the car, tell your husband about it and ask him to put it away. After all, you are not ordering him to completely refrain from consuming alcohol, just to support your sobriety.
Greetings, and have a good sober day,
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Old 10-26-2009, 02:01 PM
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Everytime I'm tempted to drink I run through my list of reasons not to. getting arrested, dwindling bank account, loss of mental and physical health, watching my mother die of liver failure, my last drunk on my knees vomiting, and letting down my loved ones who want me to stop. 42 days, one at a time. thank you. best regards to all.
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Old 10-26-2009, 02:10 PM
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Just wait til we have our 10-year reunion (main chat room, bring chips). We'll all look back at this stuff and breathe a sigh of relief that we didn't cave.

Funny, thinking of some of my friends who like to party some. Probably they aren't alkies. But whether I drink or not, I'm Anne, and I'm an alcoholic.

Stay strong.
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Old 10-26-2009, 02:25 PM
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Hi Marion...nothing that you said you didn't want. Just know there are a lot of people here when you need us, all to help you.
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Old 10-26-2009, 03:23 PM
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Yes I was really good with the funnel also. I finally told him one day that I drank his entire bottle of some special tequila that comes from Mexico that I can't replace! The bottle in the bedroom is a fancy booze. I took too many bottles of the stuff. I guess he scares me...that is own husband of 27 years scares me if I drink his alcohol....yikes..
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