You are never alone, Marion. We've all had these feelings, or something similar. That's the beauty of SR - so many of us coming together with the same thoughts & struggles -when there's no one else in our life who truly understands what we're going through.
Once I got past my resentment and anger, & felt I could resist temptation, I allowed my husband to keep a few beers in the fridge. I never once wanted to grab one and drink it, but I had almost died from my last binge - so I was very committed to not touching it because I knew my life was threatened. Years ago, when I wasn't that badly off, it definitely would have been a temptation to have it in the house & I'd probably have caved.
I know you're not in the mood for congratulations, and I get that! I'm still going to say it, though - be proud of your strength in resisting a sip of that vodka. It will get better, the intensity of this whole thing will ease up as you go along. I'm glad you came here to talk about this!