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Old 09-26-2009, 08:00 AM   #1 (permalink)
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I'm still feeling fine and more determined than ever. But........ I really do need all you wonderful people that might be in the same situation as me to let me know how to deal with a problem (this might be a long one-sorry): I just told my husband that I've joined a support group. I was dumb struck when he asked me 'for what'? This from the man that sat next to my bed in the ER two years ago when I was going through the DT's. This from the man that didn't go to the family introduction in rehab (mandantory if you want to visit), because he had errands to run. This from the man that makes me go to 4th of July parties and tells me to take the dog as it would give me something to do. This from the man that is now forced not to drink a lot because it causes him to get gout - ironic isn't it. He told me he felt bad that he couldn't do it for me. Anyway cutting an already long story a little shorter: How do you live with someone that is standing in the way of your recovery? How???? I know your first instinct is to tell me to leave, but that's not an option for various reasons. You see I moved from Europe to be with him, I gave up a house, career and friends. What little money I brought with me is gone. I'm 49, my sons are grown up and have their own problems. Also my husband is in heart failure and I'm the one with a job and insurance. It's a no win situation. Oh yes and that little fact that I do still love him. Crazy or what? If any of you have any suggestions to get through this I would be so grateful. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it was very personal but I really had to get it of my chest. Thanks again.
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Old 09-26-2009, 09:07 AM   #2 (permalink)
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My advice is to focus on yourself and your sobriety. My family didn't offer any support when I finally stopped drinking either. They were tired of it all and wanted me to get better, but made it clear they were not involved. Use your energy to stay sober and recover.
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Old 09-26-2009, 09:12 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi.....
I had been long divorced before my alcoholism surfaced.
My adult children were not living near me.
Thus I had no one objecting to either my drinking or recovery.
AA is where I got all of my support.

Regardless of anything else....your health and well being
must be your promary concern...

Blessings to both of you
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Old 09-26-2009, 09:17 AM   #4 (permalink)
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How do you live with someone that is standing in the way of your recovery? Also my husband is in heart failure and I'm the one with a job and insurance.
Welcome!!!

I can't offer any suggestions as I could not do this-be in a close relationship with an addict/alcoholic not in recovery, and the thing I also had to consider, I was standing in the way of her recovery.

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
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Old 09-26-2009, 10:26 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Saphie View Post
I'm still feeling fine and more determined than ever. But........ I really do need all you wonderful people that might be in the same situation as me to let me know how to deal with a problem (this might be a long one-sorry): I just told my husband that I've joined a support group. I was dumb struck when he asked me 'for what'? This from the man that sat next to my bed in the ER two years ago when I was going through the DT's. This from the man that didn't go to the family introduction in rehab (mandantory if you want to visit), because he had errands to run. This from the man that makes me go to 4th of July parties and tells me to take the dog as it would give me something to do. This from the man that is now forced not to drink a lot because it causes him to get gout - ironic isn't it. He told me he felt bad that he couldn't do it for me. Anyway cutting an already long story a little shorter: How do you live with someone that is standing in the way of your recovery? How???? I know your first instinct is to tell me to leave, but that's not an option for various reasons. You see I moved from Europe to be with him, I gave up a house, career and friends. What little money I brought with me is gone. I'm 49, my sons are grown up and have their own problems. Also my husband is in heart failure and I'm the one with a job and insurance. It's a no win situation. Oh yes and that little fact that I do still love him. Crazy or what? If any of you have any suggestions to get through this I would be so grateful. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it was very personal but I really had to get it of my chest. Thanks again.
Oh my

my heart goes straight out to you

I can't tell you what you should do, you have gotten some great advice, but I can tell you what I did

I left

I was trapped, no way out, was stuck for years

I finally called some friends, they came and got me, I was broke, effectively jobless and homeless, I stored my stuff under one friends porch and couch surfed between 3-4 other friends house and friends fed me and loaned me gas money until I started getting odd jobs and paid them back, after 30 maybe 45 days I think I rented a room in a house with three other sober people, since they saw me in meetings and I was referred by other people in AA they waived a deposit, and let me pay rent as I got it, which I was able to do on time every time but it was touch and go.

That was a year ago, and while I am still rebuilding my life, and am still trying to find a better job, I now have a 2 bedroom house with beautiful hardwood floors, all new paint, wonderful front and back yard, garage with adjoining wood shop. I am able to live there alone, in a place far nicer then the one I left.

I had to do the work on the yard myself, am still working on the house and garage beautifying it but once again, since I am sober all deposits were waived and my rent is ridiculously low until I get a better job. I cut fresh flowers from my yard and put them in a vase on my coffee table every week now.

When I made one step towards recovery, it made two steps towards me, step three says that I turn my life over to the care of God, that if I stay close to him and do his work well, he will care for me.

Although I am an atheist that has been my absolute experience for many many years, inexplicable though it is.

I thought that leaving wasn't an option as well, I told myself that for long years as I got sicker and sicker until I relapsed (drank again) so I know what it is to feel trapped to feel that there is no escape, but I'm also here to say the only bars in my prison were the ones in my mind, that once I closed my eyes and jumped off the cliff and asked for help half way down, doors opened and I was cared for, as long as I stayed sober and did the deal.

Good luck and Go with God Little sister

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Old 09-26-2009, 01:20 PM   #6 (permalink)
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How do you live with someone that is standing in the way of your recovery? How????
Doesn't HOW stand for Honesty, Open mindedness, & Willingness?? Maybe that would be a good start??

By believing that no one can stand in the way of my recovery. By understanding that spiritual principles are more powerful than individual personalties. By being responsibile for my own abstinence & my own recovery on a daily basis. By having faith that God loves & cares for me no matter what happens (or doesn't happen). By using the 12 Steps and the 12 Traditions as guides to spiritual progress. Living life on Life's terms, one day at a time, helps too.
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Old 09-26-2009, 01:35 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I agree with the rest of the posters here, Saphie. Noone can stand in the way of my recovery, unless I let them.

A lot of the people in my life didn't get it either - thats why I use SR - to find, and be with, people who do

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Old 09-26-2009, 05:54 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Hi Saphie...

Yes, he is clueless.... absolutely, positively and completely. On all levels. You are in recovery, he is not. It just is that way.

No one can stand in your way if you don't let them.

My wife drinks, just one tall white wine spritzer at the end of the night, sometimes 2 on a Saturday night. She's not alcoholic, not even close. I would have welcomed a completely dry home early in recovery, but that was not to be. I have lost all my resentments over it, well, nearly all ... Now, at just over a year of sobriety, her drink doesn't bother me.

She also doesn't get all the meetings and while nearly all the time supportive, she lets her resentment show now and then... "You have to go tonight??" But it doesn't bother me anymore... I cannot let it... My sobriety is not dependent at all on her, and my sobriety is number one on my priority list...

You say he couldn't cut down for you... Of course he couldn't... he could do it only if he did it for himself... and he did... He got the gout!! So he had to.... That's what it's all about.... Yea, there are a lot of folks here whose spouses quit drinking or stopped in the home in support... that's awesome... but I don't envy that... I have my own home, it is what it is and I'm grateful and content, what more could you want?

Get a good support group, if you are still interested, get to that AA meeting... Make this happen, it won't unless you do.

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Old 09-27-2009, 07:37 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Thank you so much. That was what I needed, someone to tell me that it does happen to others. Not the 'if they love you enough they will stop for you too'. Funnily enough when he went into heart failure the first thing I did was to buy some nicotine patches for myself, because I figured he can't smoke anymore and nor can I. It just wouldn't be fair. Well he still smokes more than me so that was a waste of money I do have to work on the resentment though - I don't want to feel that way, but it's there. I try and understand, I even feel guilty, but it's there. I'm afraid if I go to meetings it will grow even stronger. That I will feel closer to the people there than at home. It happened when I first went and I stopped. You know I hate the saying 'it is what it is'. Today for the first time reading your post, I felt the meaning of it. I guess I have the wisdom to know the difference after all. Thanks again. As for the clueless: Gee you don't know how right you are: This morning there was a commercial for a new documentary on TV about Neo Nazis (I was born and brought up in Germany). He started laughing and quipped whether that was the support group I joined. Enough said.
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Old 09-27-2009, 09:39 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Yes, that's it, tell him you joined a neo-nazi recovery group meeting with their own brand of 12 step support and it's all about retribution and that he'd better watch his @ss!!!

LOL

Hang in there Marion. Good to have you here at SR!!

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Old 09-27-2009, 01:47 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Keep 'em coming. That was funny, thanks for making me laugh. I needed that.
I found a bottle of beer in the fridge just now. It frustrated me and I wanted to chuck it down the sink, but it didn't bother me. Or shall I say there was no little voice inside me saying....ooooh maybe. I am so glad I joined SR. Let's hope the strength lasts, cause I feel really fragile. Strong, but fragile if that makes sense.
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Old 09-27-2009, 02:11 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Yes, that's it, tell him you joined a neo-nazi recovery group meeting with their own brand of 12 step support and it's all about retribution and that he'd better watch his @ss!!!

:rotfxko
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Old 09-27-2009, 02:12 PM   #13 (permalink)
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This is a great community and a great support.
It's gotten me through a few tough times Saphie

Hang in there, and keep posting
D
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Old 09-27-2009, 07:16 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Well, you've got a ton of support here, and there's probably more there in AA. My fella said something I thought was cool. He said you can have 1,000 people yelling go, go, go and one person saying stop. You'll often hear the one saying stop.

Well, GO, GO, GO!!!
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Old 09-27-2009, 11:28 PM   #15 (permalink)
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New Flight

I am in all confidence know this is the wrong area but I stumbled onto this message area first. I have been drugging/drinking for 15 years and have always been a kind but soulfully desperate person. I thought it was romantic in poetry sense to continue the wreckage, I'm tired of the charade, drank tonight and want to just find solace in something real. I would like to know a place because I'm again leaving my problems, moving to Wva this coming month for kind, thoughtful people to hopefully lean on and pull me from the excess. I have primarily had no family so I assumed it was nothing to wade in this facade but now I feel I lost so much, others and myself, please point me in direction true.
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Old 09-27-2009, 11:49 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Hi positively4st

You've found a great place for support

if you like, at any stage, you can start your own thread to introduce yourself...but relax, you're already here

welcome!
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Old 09-28-2009, 02:11 AM   #17 (permalink)
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positively4st. Found a cool place here
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Old 09-28-2009, 03:45 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Live around him, not with him.
Don't let him or anyone else stop you from helping yourself.

Never take the advice of someone who has not had your kind of trouble.
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Old 09-28-2009, 04:27 AM   #19 (permalink)
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on the resentment though - I don't want to feel that way, but it's there.
hope that resentment doesn't grow!

as most have mentioned, work on yourself,

disassociate from the B.S.

and when, and if you can,

the stories are different, the feelings are the same...

good wishes saph!
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Old 09-28-2009, 04:51 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Marion you have gotten some good advice, your sobriety lays in your hands, only you can do what you need to do to stay sober.

positively4st welcome to SR, you say:

Quote:
I'm again leaving my problems, moving to Wva this coming month for kind, thoughtful people to hopefully lean on and pull me from the excess.
I know a lot of folks who moved thinking they were leaving thier problems behind, the problem with that was no matter where they moved they were still there! I can tell you where to find rooms full of "kind, thoughtful people to hopefully lean on and pull me from the excess.". Check out NA & AA Meetings. The rooms are full of people who have found a solution for thier problems and part of that solution they have found is helping other find the same solution they found.
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