Hi Saphie...
Yes, he is clueless.... absolutely, positively and completely. On all levels. You are in recovery, he is not. It just is that way.
No one can stand in your way if you don't let them.
My wife drinks, just one tall white wine spritzer at the end of the night, sometimes 2 on a Saturday night. She's not alcoholic, not even close. I would have welcomed a completely dry home early in recovery, but that was not to be. I have lost all my resentments over it, well, nearly all
... Now, at just over a year of sobriety, her drink doesn't bother me.
She also doesn't get all the meetings and while nearly all the time supportive, she lets her resentment show now and then... "You have to go tonight??" But it doesn't bother me anymore... I cannot let it... My sobriety is not dependent at all on her, and my sobriety is number one on my priority list...
You say he couldn't cut down for you... Of course he couldn't... he could do it only if he did it for himself... and he did... He got the gout!! So he had to.... That's what it's all about.... Yea, there are a lot of folks here whose spouses quit drinking or stopped in the home in support... that's awesome... but I don't envy that... I have my own home, it is what it is and I'm grateful and content, what more could you want?
Get a good support group, if you are still interested, get to that AA meeting... Make this happen, it won't unless you do.
Mark