Firehazard

Yes I have relapsed before while having a sponsor and there wasn't anything

wrong with me. There was something missing in my program. I wasn't ready to

make AA and the spiritual life my number one priority(Honesty). Now I have

done that and have strung together around four hundred days. Since coming

back I look at the triangle and work on strengthening the one that is weaker.

Sobriety, Service, Unity. Perfection however, is unattainable for a people like

us so we make progress and look to Higher Powers for guidance.

BACK

Freeport

Terri, You have many people here who can relate to what you're feeling. For starters, you need to understand that those 60 days of sobriety were not wasted days. Now you need to build on them one day at a time. Don't worry about next year, month, or even next week. Focus on how to maintain your sobriety today. Find another outlet whether it's exercise, reading, a hobby or even just sleeping better. Listen to the people on these boards who have way more experience with sobriety than I do. And post often.

A sober life doesn't mean a life without hardship, challenges, and pain. But it's always better than a life blurred with alcohol. Remember, there are no problems that drinking cannot make worse.

jamdls

Hi Terrif, welcome to SR. Perhaps you could use some counseling on your image issues as well as working on sobriety, I know that's what I needed. I also found the longer I was sober the better I felt about myself, that took working my version of the 12 steps. You've got to "take off your old self and put on your new self" and that takes a lot of work and a lot of time but it is so very rewarding.

Terrified

I know this. I know I need so much help. I keep hoping someone will show up at my door and drag me away to rehab. It sounds lazy, but I feel like I am at the point where I need complete absolute focus only on staying sober. ( but I have no health insurance) I'm trying to live a life where there is no life. Does anyone else do this- the next day you feel fine and you forget all the pain and then boom, you are right back there in hell. Insanity I tell you!

Dee74

hi Terrified

Fear is a pretty powerful thing...but like Anna says we can learn to deal with life's ups and downs...it's a skill like anything else - the more we do it, without the crutch of alcohol or drugs, the more familiar it gets.

This is a very supportive place - you're not alone I'm glad you're going back to AA too - support is vital, I think

Welcome to SR
D

Astro

Nothing wrong with you at all, not everyone gets it the first time, the second, or the third, and there are no failures in recovery as long as we keep reaching out for support.

I'm glad you're here and I hope you'll head back to AA and find a plan that works for you. Living life on life's terms can be a rollercoaster, but it is possible and the payoff is having an amazing life in sobriety.

colagirl

Hi terrified,
Welcome to SR! I relate to a lot of what you say. Yes, I have been miserable and determined to quit, then the hangover wears off and I'm ready to go again. I also have a hard time relating to other people, and sometimes feel like I have two personalities. This disease tells us all kinds of lies, I hope you will learn to see through them and get back to recovery.

Terrified

I think my parents are trying to ignore the fact that I have a problem . My erratic behavior has to be a huge red flag, I know it's not their responsibilty to help me but I kind of wish that they would just blurt out "I think you have problem". I feel like that two year old kid that keeps doing stuff to get attention from his parents. Wow, I can't believe I just said that . I actually told my mother once that I was the girl in Rachel Gettied Married and she saw the movie and never commented on it.

NewBeginning010

Hi Terrified,

Welcome to SR :day6 we have been escaping our feelings & making life decisions for a long time by turning to alcohol & facing them when newly sober is... well... terrifying so say the least.

You made it to AA & did 60 days even with a sponsor that you didn't connect with, that is huge. Get back in there & do your best to find someone you can really connect with (go for a coffee & explain that you need to find someone that you can have a really close connection with to make it).

You deserve to be happpy, forgive yourself for the past & do the best you can moving forward. Worring too much about what other people think is something I am also dealing with, how about we change our lives & make them great positive examples of how people can change from alcoholics to showing eveyone what beautiful, wonderful people we always were but couldnt always be because of our struggle with alcohol.

I look forward to reading more about your recovery, you can to this & we are all right here with you.

Take Care,

NB
:ghug3

P.S. Wanted to share this video with you too

vegibean

Nothing is wrong with you, you have an addiction to alcohol. It is going to take a lot of work. Find yourself a new sponsor. Sorry to hear about your experience with the last one. Most importantly, DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOU!!!!! It is going to take a lot of determination and perseverance and please, learn to cheer-lead yourself everyday. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!

vegibean

So true, just keep it up!!! Keep going and just remember, it's one day at a time, one second, minute, hour and so on. You just have to get through the moments. You can do it!!

Terrified

I know a lot of my problem is not having a spiritual connection with God. I somehow got it in my mind that I don't deserve happiness. I know exactly where this came from. I chose to have an abortion when I was 19 and I never forgave myself for that. And now that I am older, I keep thinking how different I could be with that child. I feel horrible about it. Like I deserve this hell for what I did.

NewBeginning010

Terrified, your child's spirit is still alive & well with God. Not forcing something on you just something I believe. I am sure there were a lot of circumstances that were going on when that happened.

God doesn't have to be a traditional God, it can be your higher power (even if its your daughters spirit in a better place). I enjoy reading & practicing Buddhism as well & I am working on meditation. If it helps you to become a better person than it is all good.

Please forgive yourself, we have all made mistakes & have to live with them. How about doing everything as best as you can from this day forward so that your daughter will be proud of you when she once again with you.

My signature below is my inspiration.

All of the best,

NB

Terrified

Beautiful video. I have to say I cried through most of it.
I know this to be my major obstacle is my ability to forgive myself.
I will try to focus on this, since I just realized I've been more honest with myself in the last half hour than I have been in my entire life

NewBeginning010

Recovery can be a beautiful thing when embraced & cared for with love. Being honest with yourself is the first step of forgiveness. I know you can get through this & love yourself & life again.

(From another site \/)

To forgive yourself does not mean that you should forget what you did or said that might have injured another or caused yourself distress. To forgive yourself doesn't mean you aren't responsible for what you did or said. To forgive yourself simply means you realize that you might have done something differently if you had known how. Forgiving yourself means you recognize that you didn't know how to do something differently and realize you have learned by your mistake. As someone once said, experience is what we get right after we need it. To forgive yourself means you are finally willing to accept yourself just as you were at the time you made the mistake you've been holding over your head.

To not forgive yourself means you continue to hold onto guilt and pain and demand the impossible -- that you be someone other than yourself, other than who you were when you hadn't yet learned the lesson you gained from your mistake.

Take Care,

NB

Terrified

Thank you for being here with me. I needed to talk with someone. Thank you for all your advice. I'm still afraid, terrified but feeling a little less alone. I appreciate everyone's input.

NewBeginning010

Thank you for helping me to feel good about myself for being there for you today. You are not alone here, there are many people here that are with you & going through similar experiences.

Keep sharing, reading & posting, and I pray that you find the perfect sponsor for you soon.

Take Care,

NB

Terrified

I wish I had some numbers right now. My phone broke and they were not able to transfer any of the numbers, so I lost all my AA numbers.
I'm feeling some relief but also some major OMG, what did I just omit. It makes it so real now. I'm kind of freakin out.

colagirl

You are still so valuable, despite your past. You can't change it, and you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. You deserve to be happy! Forgiveness of yourself is the only way to move on.

NewBeginning010

You can go back & edit your post or ask the moderators to remove it if you like. If it is helpful to your recovery maybe it is a good thing to share with anonymous people on a sober recovery website, your call of course.

See if you can find a meeting or call someone here Alcoholics Anonymous :

Numbers to call http://www.aa.org/pdf/products/f-25_...IntAnsSvce.pdf

Hopefully sharing the link to AA is ok, I have been told I have been sharing to many outside links lately....