Terrified

I feel like I am two people. One person is an absolutely beautiful, caring sensative, hard working, giving person. The other is a horrible drunk the reeks havic on everyone around her. I hate this person. I want to be rid of her. I keep trying. I went to AA for two months and then it all fell apart after I lost my job. I went back to my old ways because I felt like a failure even in sobrity. I just want some advice from you that have kicked this disease to the curb.

Terrified

Please someone talk to me.

bugsworth

Hi Terrified...I'm sorry you are hurting so. You can end this...trying does not work...doing works. It takes fierce determination to get the ball rolling in the right direction. Being here is a great start.

ANEWAUGUST

Terrified.
I am glad that you are here and reaching out.

Have you gone back to AA? Do you have a sponsor or some other AA'ers numbers that you can call?

You are still that beautiful, caring, sensitive, hardworking person. That never changes. You are not a failure.

You are just that person battling an alcohol problem.

Please share a bit more with us so we can help.

Terrified

I don't understand why I can't get it right . I feel broken. As much as AA was a group of people I should of identified with, I still felt like an outsider. My sponser went back out shortly before I relapsed. I felt so alone even in a place that should feel safe. What's wrong with me?

ANEWAUGUST

Have you sought out another sponsor...or called anyone else?

Nothing is wrong with you...you are just an alcoholic.

I had almost 6 years of sobriety and relapsed this year. I tried off and on several times to get sober again this year...finally, I am sober, and beginning the journey of recovery once more..

You can do this!!!!

How long have you been drinking..and how long were you sober?

thirtybubba

Welcome, Terrified.

First off, your sponsor going back out was unfortunate--I mean from your perspective here--but not your fault.

Feeling all down on yourself is not gonna help. You hate that alcoholic woman, right? Focus that anger to motivate you to get rid of her, and leave the good one standing in victory. There's lots of good advice here on SR, lots of different ways to stay sober and lots of people doing them successfully.

Read around, post--stay around some.

TB

Terrified

I was diagnosed with a mood disorder by a therapist. Not even actually sure what that means. Might explain my difficulty ib relating to other people. I'm always very sensative to what people think of me- almost to a point that is quite unattractive.

ToABetterMe11

Im so sorry!!!
I can relate to the loss of a job & feeling like a failure, that really set me off!

I have always said I LOVE how I feel when I'm drunk, I HATE what I do.

**{HUGS}} I'm new starting over in this sobriety too.

Terrified

I was sober for over sixty days. Going to meetings. Showing up to work with a positive attitude. I was for the most part very happy. And the fact of losing my job threw me into a tail spin. I couldn't believe I was losing a job- when I was completely SOBER. And I know this happens to people all the time- I know this. I just wanted a few minutes of sanity. But life isn't this way. Somewhere I lost this gene to recover from crappy things that happen life.. I need to work on this.

PurpleCat

Welcome, Terrified. Sorry about what has happened to you. Losing a job is a traumatic thing to happen to anyone.

Stick around here and read and post. I have learned a lot about this disease and how to battle it during the two+ months I have been here.

Can you go back to the AA and find another sponsor? Anyone else nearby that would be willing to help you.

Anna

Hi,

Know that you can do this! There is always hope!

Learning to deal with the ups and downs of life, learning to accept that stuff happens and that there is very little in life that we have control of, was a huge step for me in recovery.

shaun00

nice to meet you.

sounds like you had some experience of aa meetings?

did you have a sponsor?.......and .or did you work through any steps?

ANEWAUGUST

Life happens to us, all day, every day, sober or drunk

Being sober doesn't guarantee that we will never face any disappointment. Being sober doesn't guarantee us our job.

We may trick ourselves into believing that drinking will bring us some sanity..but, the truth is that drinking is the most insane answer of all.

Sixty days is great...but, still not enough time IMHO. My first two years of sober living were emotional roller coasters at times..

You haven't lost the gene to recover, you have just drowned it. Let it dry out, and see if you can come up with a plan for recovery.

Hevyn

Hi terrified. I always fell back on booze to numb myself when bad things happened too. I did it for a lifetime. I failed to grow or mature normally because of it - also put myself in danger many times because I thought I was improving my mood by drinking. It's a lie. It only ends up making us miserable and filled with regret - not relaxed or calm. Give yourself a chance to get well and have a new life - please try again.

I'm a self-conscious person too - and opening up at meetings for me was very difficult. I'm going to try it again one day, though. I know so many who've been helped by AA. Meanwhile, you are here with us, and there is alot of great advice and love to be found here.

Terrified

I want to go back. As sad as this may sound, I didn't completely trust my sponser to begin with. I was kind of thrown her way because a fellow alcoholic told me I was dragging my feet. The girl was twenty years younger then me. I didn't feel a connection when we went over the first three steps. It was like it was rushed and sorry to say, fake. Maybe that was me. I'm not sure. I just didn't feel connected to her. I wanted something more genuine.

Terrified

Thank you all. I really needed to talk to someone, anyone.

And Anna, I know that is where my biggest battle is- the thought of trying to control things. I learned that in AA. Us alcoholics have some huge egos.

I feel so tired and worn down by trying to pretend all the time.

ANEWAUGUST

Why don't you go to a meeting and see about getting a new sponsor?

Terrified

Ok. I will. I need to. I have to.

PurpleCat

Terrified - just because someone is a good sponsor for one person doesn't mean that they will be a good sponsor for everyone. Personalities need to be compatible. Same thing with doctors, or therapists, or - heck - friends.

Good luck finding someone who suits you better.