August sobriety group
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 12
Day 0
It's amazing how quickly we can go from one thought to another. Earlier today I was making my family french toast and feeling grateful that I was a bit more rested. After breakfast, as I was cutting my husband's hair, I had this deep thought about how I'd been living each day hungover for the past few years and no wonder I was unable to ever "catch up". I thought about HALT...how I'd successfully been going without drinking...now on my 4th day and it felt SO GOOD. Then, the fighting began. My boys began to fight (their just little...the sibling rivalry thing, but nerve-wracking nonetheless) and my husband and I started at each other. I felt overwhelmed, overworked, unloved and uncared for. The "A" word began to creep up and there it was...I got SO ANGRY! I couldn't seem to move past it. I was SO ANGRY at my husband. SO ANGRY that he couldn't try and keep the peace around here or step up to the plate long enough for me to get another day under my belt. I looked him square in the eye (through my pathetic, frustrated and unmoving tears) and told him flat out that my problem wasn't so much DRINKING...it was WHY I was drinking. Now, that *is* the truth. The problem is...I know that regardless, I do need to stop. It's SO HARD! The problems are NOT going away. And I need to STOP...NOW! But I couldn't control myself. I was getting SO ANGRY that I was yelling and swearing my head off. I don't want my children to be around that and for whatever reason, the love I have for my children doesn't seem to be strong enough to make me STOP and that KILLS ME. Stop the anger, that is. Honestly, there is a reason I started drinking and HE doesn't seem to want to help me out. No. I know that *I* am the real reason I drink because *I* am the one choosing to do so, but...ugh. Excuses. On the one hand I say that, but on the other, I cut myself some slack and KNOW that I really do want to get my life together, but without the support of my husband, the person who ALWAYS has a direct influence on my life, it seems almost impossible. I hope I am making some sense here. I feel strong enough to make the effort to stop drinking, but it would be nice if my significant other could help me out JUST A BIT...am I asking too much? Apparently so...I need to do this...and on own...It just hurts me so much to feel like I have to do it alone when I have this person in my life that I love so much and we should be working as a team to make our life work. Instead, he lives in denial and I drink to make it all go away
It's awful. So here I stand. Day 0...again. Tomorrow is my new Day 1. I need a plan for "A"...ANGRY. I've navigated successfully through "H", "L" and "T". I can't let "A" get me again. Not again...I worked too hard to get 3 and half days and now I have start over Thanks for listening and please stay strong everyone!
Love,
Mars
PS...I've had 4 drinks (12oz. bottles) in 3 hours and they didn't even taste good. My stomach hurts and all I want to do is crawl in bed. It's not even 5pm. I only share this in case you are struggling with having a drink. It is SO NOT WORTH IT. SO NOT. Stay strong.
perpetual optimist
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 2,959
Bummer Mars......don't beat yourself up over it. You know your trigger now.....at least you want to start over. If you keep throwing it against the wall, one day it will stick.
Hugs to you.
:ghug3
Hugs to you.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 138
control
Before I made this commitment to stop for 30 days, I still thought that alcohol gave me control over my life. There is no way that I will drink this month, partly because I decided to finally take on this commitment in memory of someone I loved very much- the anniversary of her death was this past week and I was trying to figure out what she would want me to do in her memory. And this was it, so here I am. And even though I'm only on day 2, I realized that alcohol is what took the control OUT of my life. I used it when I was angry and it made my anger worse. I used it when I was stressed and it made life twice as stressful . And here's the crazy part- i used it when I was happy and..it made me unhappy (and tired) Being sober means being able to control so many things that I relinquished in my quest for escape: what I say and how I say it. When I sleep, and where I sleep. But being sober doesn't mean I can control everything or anyone around me: I can only control my own choices. And I think that is a huge part of this anger that we share in so many of our posts. A lot of anger comes from trying to control parts of our lives that are not within our control: ie. our spouses' moods, our children's fights, traffic, sickness, and on and on. And I realized that until I let go of my urge to control anything other than my own choices- I will want to drink. Because drinking is that false sense of control- that illusory promise that we can really stop our chilldren from fighting or our spouse from being disappointed just by filling up a glass. It seems so easy, such a great short cut to peace of mind. But all it does is take away the one part of our lives that we can control- ourselves and our choices.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 12
Thanks for the (((hugs))) VC! :) I really needed one :)
Thanks for your post, effortjoy! :) I'm so sorry for the loss of your loved one. I'm willing to bet she is smiling and beaming over how you have decided to honor her memory! :) WAY TO GO! :) You sound very strong and determined and I'm glad you are with us!
Have a great evening all :)
Love,
Mars :)
Thanks for your post, effortjoy! :) I'm so sorry for the loss of your loved one. I'm willing to bet she is smiling and beaming over how you have decided to honor her memory! :) WAY TO GO! :) You sound very strong and determined and I'm glad you are with us!
Have a great evening all :)
Love,
Mars :)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 12
Day 1
Good Morning :)
Well, here it is...that "I've been hit by a Mack truck feeling." And the guilt...UGH. I woke up, came downstairs, made a cup of coffee and just looked around. I realized that I have two problems going on here and I'm wondering how I'm going to successfully give up alcohol if I don't do something about the problem that led me to drinking in the first place, you know? I drink to *escape* and to *cope* with the mounting pressure in life. That fact alone makes me feel like a loser and SO WEAK :( The problems were here FIRST, not the alcohol. So when I had almost 4 days under my belt, it was hard to feel good about it because there are all the problems...still here and they feel BAD. Yesterday I shared that I was taken down by "A", but the more I think about it, it was the mounting pressure I'd been feeling over the four days having to REALLY FEEL all the problems 24 hours a day, instead of escaping at night into my alcohol induced persona...the one who can deal with the issues (or so I thought). SO, I guess what I'm trying to say...in addition to emptying my head...is that this whole giving up alcohol business is HUGE and is going to require a lot more than just giving up alcohol. Not only do I need a plan for how to deal with my ANGER, I need a plan for how to handle all these feelings I'm feeling at night that make me *think* I want to drink. I don't want to drink. I really don't. And yesterday it felt like I actually had to *make* myself drink because there were two voices present. Both equal. The problems (all the fighting) became the gust of wind that pushed me over the fence...to the dark side. I *haven't* been in control, but I'm going to be...I just have to.
I know we all have different stories and drink for different reasons, so I do not expect anyone to have advice as to my personal problems, but I *really* appreciate the fact that I can come here, let go of my feelings, and know that for whatever the reason we are here, we are wrestling the same demon that took advantage of our situation and sought to take control of our lives. It REALLY helps to know I'm not alone in that one...
Have a great day everyone and STAY STRONG! :)
Love,
Mars
Well, here it is...that "I've been hit by a Mack truck feeling." And the guilt...UGH. I woke up, came downstairs, made a cup of coffee and just looked around. I realized that I have two problems going on here and I'm wondering how I'm going to successfully give up alcohol if I don't do something about the problem that led me to drinking in the first place, you know? I drink to *escape* and to *cope* with the mounting pressure in life. That fact alone makes me feel like a loser and SO WEAK :( The problems were here FIRST, not the alcohol. So when I had almost 4 days under my belt, it was hard to feel good about it because there are all the problems...still here and they feel BAD. Yesterday I shared that I was taken down by "A", but the more I think about it, it was the mounting pressure I'd been feeling over the four days having to REALLY FEEL all the problems 24 hours a day, instead of escaping at night into my alcohol induced persona...the one who can deal with the issues (or so I thought). SO, I guess what I'm trying to say...in addition to emptying my head...is that this whole giving up alcohol business is HUGE and is going to require a lot more than just giving up alcohol. Not only do I need a plan for how to deal with my ANGER, I need a plan for how to handle all these feelings I'm feeling at night that make me *think* I want to drink. I don't want to drink. I really don't. And yesterday it felt like I actually had to *make* myself drink because there were two voices present. Both equal. The problems (all the fighting) became the gust of wind that pushed me over the fence...to the dark side. I *haven't* been in control, but I'm going to be...I just have to.
I know we all have different stories and drink for different reasons, so I do not expect anyone to have advice as to my personal problems, but I *really* appreciate the fact that I can come here, let go of my feelings, and know that for whatever the reason we are here, we are wrestling the same demon that took advantage of our situation and sought to take control of our lives. It REALLY helps to know I'm not alone in that one...
Have a great day everyone and STAY STRONG! :)
Love,
Mars
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 660
Facing the real me...
Hey Guys :)
After posting to you all this morning (under my new username, MarsHill), I started thinking about the problems I had shared with you all and how much my posts sound exactly like they did one year ago. When I started posting here last week, I really wanted a fresh start. I wasn't trying to deceive or hide from anyone here...I was deceiving/hiding from MYSELF. I've been running away or hiding from my problems for a long a time now. That's how/why I started drinking and how it became ANOTHER problem in my life. I need to start facing and feeling everything...that has to start with me and who I am. I don't want to run away anymore...I won't be posting under MarsHill anymore and I apologize for the confusion.
Thanks for being here guys. I hope others will check in soon...
After posting to you all this morning (under my new username, MarsHill), I started thinking about the problems I had shared with you all and how much my posts sound exactly like they did one year ago. When I started posting here last week, I really wanted a fresh start. I wasn't trying to deceive or hide from anyone here...I was deceiving/hiding from MYSELF. I've been running away or hiding from my problems for a long a time now. That's how/why I started drinking and how it became ANOTHER problem in my life. I need to start facing and feeling everything...that has to start with me and who I am. I don't want to run away anymore...I won't be posting under MarsHill anymore and I apologize for the confusion.
Thanks for being here guys. I hope others will check in soon...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: South Dakota, USA
Posts: 1,429
Happy monday everyone! Well, it was a tough weekend. I made it through Friday night with flying colors. I woke up Saturday morning feeling great. I went for a run and had a very fun/productive day. Saturday night rolled around though and my brother and I got the UFC fight on pay per view. I ended up having about 5 beers Saturday night. I didn't get wasted, and I spaced them out well. I got up Sunday feeling pretty ashamed, but felt fine. I went to church with my family and then headed to the lake for the day. So I am back to sobriety here again today. Well, I guess I never left "sobriety" since I didn't get drunk. But I am back free from alcohol today. I went 7 days without a drop and was so proud of myself. So back on the horse I go!
The problem was, the last few days I have just had terrible head aches. My head seriously felt like it was going to explode with pressure. I told my mom I wanted to drill a hole in it and let the pressure out! lol. Has anyone else had this after not drinking for a few days? The funny thing is, when I had those few beers it went away. I am guessing it was just part of the alcohol withdrawals?
I hope you all have a great week, and keep going everyone!
The problem was, the last few days I have just had terrible head aches. My head seriously felt like it was going to explode with pressure. I told my mom I wanted to drill a hole in it and let the pressure out! lol. Has anyone else had this after not drinking for a few days? The funny thing is, when I had those few beers it went away. I am guessing it was just part of the alcohol withdrawals?
I hope you all have a great week, and keep going everyone!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 660
bdiddy...my head was killing me a few days (Friday and Saturday, I believe) before I fell off the wagon on Sunday. I wasn't sure whether to blame it on alcohol withdrawal, allergens in the air or maybe a little of both? The only reason I suspected allergens is because so many people I know have been complaining of having a headache as well. Mine went away when I drank too.
I'm so glad you are here :)
I'm so glad you are here :)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: South Dakota, USA
Posts: 1,429
So I guess a week is not long enough for all of the symptoms to be gone. I guess that makes sense. I mean, I have abused my body for years, so I can't expect it to heal itself in a week. How are you feeling today Melissa? You back and ready to be sober again? Thanks for sharing your frustrations. I feel many of the same ones you do. Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 753
Good morning everyone.. great to catch up with all of you.
Hey bdiddy - sounds like you are taking your Sat night experience and starting again. For me those "slips" or whatever you want to call them have been so packed with information about why I do it, when I do it, how I do it - etc.. Hang in there - all in all you are on this path.
Welcome effortjoy - the 30 day plan sound like a great plan. Curious if you are following the "moderation Management" approach, or if the 30 days just came to you. Doing this in honor of your lost friend sounds very loving - to your self and to your lost one. Good to have you here in August.
Mars/Breakfree - just keep posting, keep trying and know that we are here for you.
My weekend went OK - got some urges and seemed to deal with them even with a few bumps (bad moods).. but I really do now know that any good from drinking just is not here any more.
Here is our Monday - here we all are together.. Hang in there! :ghug2
VC - sounds like you are on the road with a couple of days - so want you here in August!
Hey bdiddy - sounds like you are taking your Sat night experience and starting again. For me those "slips" or whatever you want to call them have been so packed with information about why I do it, when I do it, how I do it - etc.. Hang in there - all in all you are on this path.
Welcome effortjoy - the 30 day plan sound like a great plan. Curious if you are following the "moderation Management" approach, or if the 30 days just came to you. Doing this in honor of your lost friend sounds very loving - to your self and to your lost one. Good to have you here in August.
Mars/Breakfree - just keep posting, keep trying and know that we are here for you.
My weekend went OK - got some urges and seemed to deal with them even with a few bumps (bad moods).. but I really do now know that any good from drinking just is not here any more.
Here is our Monday - here we all are together.. Hang in there! :ghug2
VC - sounds like you are on the road with a couple of days - so want you here in August!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: South Dakota, USA
Posts: 1,429
Glad you made it through the weekend KB. I wish I would have done the same, but all in all it was the best weekend I have had in years. So at least I have that! Small steps I guess. Thanks again for your kind words, and YAY!!!!! to you!!! 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 660
Hey Guys! :)
So glad to see everyone trickling in!
bdiddy...The way I feel today is overly familiar...exhausted, guilty and disappointed, yet armed with more knowledge about myself, you know? Yes, I'm ready to get right back up and try again! I want August to be our month!
KB...WAY TO GO! :) You did it!
The posts really help me stay strong...THANK YOU! :)
So glad to see everyone trickling in!
bdiddy...The way I feel today is overly familiar...exhausted, guilty and disappointed, yet armed with more knowledge about myself, you know? Yes, I'm ready to get right back up and try again! I want August to be our month!
KB...WAY TO GO! :) You did it!
The posts really help me stay strong...THANK YOU! :)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 367
Hello everyone
Made it 7 days now.
Feeling great and sleeping like a baby (with awesome technicolor dreams).
bdiddy... I'm glad you got past your Sat night and got back on the horse so quickly.
We really are fooling ourselves if we think we can just drink a 'few' once in a while. The last 6 pack I had on a Friday night turned into a month long bender.
I find I get headaches when I'm dehydrated.
Rather than just drink water and other fluids you might try what I do and that is to drink the sport drinks like gatorade... they are excellent for re-hydration.
Hang in there.
Made it 7 days now.
Feeling great and sleeping like a baby (with awesome technicolor dreams).
bdiddy... I'm glad you got past your Sat night and got back on the horse so quickly.
We really are fooling ourselves if we think we can just drink a 'few' once in a while. The last 6 pack I had on a Friday night turned into a month long bender.
I find I get headaches when I'm dehydrated.
Rather than just drink water and other fluids you might try what I do and that is to drink the sport drinks like gatorade... they are excellent for re-hydration.
Hang in there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: South Dakota, USA
Posts: 1,429
So I really don't feel too bad today. I think my initial detox last week was the bad one. I am a little fuzzy in the head, but that is about it. Not shaking, chills, etc. So learn from my mistakes and get back on the horse, right?
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