I am done!!
It's time to change!
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lake tahoe
Posts: 1,025
Please stay in touch with us, Trish! We all care here and are sending out our prayers to you!!! We can help you through this, just like you've helped so many of us along the way! Let us give to you what you've given to countless others, K???
PRAYING BIG TIME FOR YOU, SISTER!!! :praying:praying:praying:ghug3
PRAYING BIG TIME FOR YOU, SISTER!!! :praying:praying:praying:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,397
Originally Posted by chiynita 
I dont want to come here and tell any of you here whats goin on. What I feel. What I am thinking. I dont want anyone to worry. I dont want to upset anyone. And really..My problems affecting the newcomer is the last thing on my mind. Is that selfish? I am human too. So all of that has stopped me from coming here expressing what I so need to get off my chest. I know I am not doing what I should be. But I dont have anyone else that will listen to me. So Now I have nowhere to go.
Sorry for making anyone upset, I will be fine eventually.
Sorry for making anyone upset, I will be fine eventually.
I, like others here -- new and old timers, alike -- worry about you just like you worry about us. You're tired (literally and figuratively), confused (want to stop and don't), and frustrated. All of that mental anquish is compounded by the physical dependency. Since your family's away right now, USE US. You do have somewhere to go... Come HERE.
Most of all, don't worry about the people who step up to help you, Trish. Give us our turns. Stay here when you're feeling weak, and hopefully, we'll be able to lift you up enough so that the people who DON'T care or worry keep the eff'ing package and leave your van.
Getting through this won't be easy. Try not to focus on the mistakes, Trish. Stay in the here and now, and make a plan to get through it. Fight back. It will be hard, but you've done it before and you can do it again.
Liz
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
They answered. Now the big test as to whether or not I can find it in me to take my keys back. I have been dreaming about treatment the past few nights. And I feel so peaceful in my dreams. I have been thinking about goin to sober living and just finding my own place in this world without depending on my family. A structured enviroment that I have needed since I was a kid. I want to find God but dont know where to begin. The pain doesnt stop. Even in recovery it doesnt go away. I sent a letter to that address my dad gave me for my mom a few weeks ago and nothing has come back. Thats what happned the ;ast time when I was a teen. Nothing ever came back. So what does that mean? Some ******* doesnt know how to put return to sender on an envelope? Is she getting the letter? This is stuff I didnt need brought back into my life right now. Not after I accepted it long ago. I dont like false hopes.
I still havent apologised to my aunt for scaring the crap out of her last week. My cousin took me off her myspace. As she does everytime. So immature. Its like I am stepping on the gas pedal going 200 mph blind right now. I screwed up a great job I really liked. I cant even find the guts to call my boss and give her any kind of explaination.
I want to go to treatment. But is it for the right reasons? I feel safe there. Safe from myself. I care..then I dont care. I know I said I didnt want to come here saying all this stuff. but I need to let this out. I am all alone in an empty house now. Its just me and my thoughts. I keep thinking about how everyone is down in FL sittin by the pool. In the warm FL sunshine. My home. Where I should be. Where I long to be. I hate NY. My best friend from 7th grade emailed me and told me how she is engaged and how wonderful her life is. Promotion at her job. And her kids all doing well. I will never be normal like tht.
I always say work with what you got. But I am not workin with much anymore.
I do have a family that will love me no matter what. Even if I did cross that line a go psychopath on my aunt. She will forgive me when she sees change. Grams is unconditional. That isnt always good. Thats what my dad meant when he said I have a huge enabler to deal with. He knows. She hurts me more than she helps sometimes.
I need to grow up alot and take responsibility for myself. I am 33 friggin yrs old and dont have ****. I often wonder if I ever will.
Dealer is comin in a couple hours. I need to find the strength to say no to that big fat bag hes goin to give me. I know I wont be able to do it.
I wish I could snap out of this ****.
I still havent apologised to my aunt for scaring the crap out of her last week. My cousin took me off her myspace. As she does everytime. So immature. Its like I am stepping on the gas pedal going 200 mph blind right now. I screwed up a great job I really liked. I cant even find the guts to call my boss and give her any kind of explaination.
I want to go to treatment. But is it for the right reasons? I feel safe there. Safe from myself. I care..then I dont care. I know I said I didnt want to come here saying all this stuff. but I need to let this out. I am all alone in an empty house now. Its just me and my thoughts. I keep thinking about how everyone is down in FL sittin by the pool. In the warm FL sunshine. My home. Where I should be. Where I long to be. I hate NY. My best friend from 7th grade emailed me and told me how she is engaged and how wonderful her life is. Promotion at her job. And her kids all doing well. I will never be normal like tht.
I always say work with what you got. But I am not workin with much anymore.
I do have a family that will love me no matter what. Even if I did cross that line a go psychopath on my aunt. She will forgive me when she sees change. Grams is unconditional. That isnt always good. Thats what my dad meant when he said I have a huge enabler to deal with. He knows. She hurts me more than she helps sometimes.
I need to grow up alot and take responsibility for myself. I am 33 friggin yrs old and dont have ****. I often wonder if I ever will.
Dealer is comin in a couple hours. I need to find the strength to say no to that big fat bag hes goin to give me. I know I wont be able to do it.
I wish I could snap out of this ****.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
You DO have the strength to say no to that big fat bag of misery. Tell the dealer you are getting better and don't want that sh!t anymore. Stand up for yourself this time.
:ghug3
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,397
[QUOTE=chiynita;2129283] Its like I am stepping on the gas pedal going 200 mph blind right now.[QUOTE]
I can't believe you just wrote that!!!! I think the same thing sooo often, Trish.
OK. So at least you're here, trying to slow things down a bit. HUGS and more HUGS. You are so vascillating between thinking you can do this and thinking you can't... Being alone with your thoughts can be good and bad depending on the thoughts you allow yourself to have. Keep pushing the bad ones away until you're strong enough to deal with them. IMHO, looking forward is the way to go.
You write how you're 33 with nothing positive to show for it... My God, Trish, I'm almost freaking 15 years older than you are and I can't tell you how much I've admired you when you've been at your best!!!! I admire you even more now, because you're putting up a fight despite all the crap that you're going through.
Think through all scenarios over the next few hours, days, etc. What will really make you happy in the long run. What's made you really happy in the past? GO for those things, Trish.
Oh -- and I'm SO praying that you do "find the strength to say no to that big fat bag." Keep in mind the fact that these people are just using you. You're worth more than that, Trish.
Be careful. Keep checking in so we can all help you through this.
I can't believe you just wrote that!!!! I think the same thing sooo often, Trish.
OK. So at least you're here, trying to slow things down a bit. HUGS and more HUGS. You are so vascillating between thinking you can do this and thinking you can't... Being alone with your thoughts can be good and bad depending on the thoughts you allow yourself to have. Keep pushing the bad ones away until you're strong enough to deal with them. IMHO, looking forward is the way to go.
You write how you're 33 with nothing positive to show for it... My God, Trish, I'm almost freaking 15 years older than you are and I can't tell you how much I've admired you when you've been at your best!!!! I admire you even more now, because you're putting up a fight despite all the crap that you're going through.
Think through all scenarios over the next few hours, days, etc. What will really make you happy in the long run. What's made you really happy in the past? GO for those things, Trish.
Oh -- and I'm SO praying that you do "find the strength to say no to that big fat bag." Keep in mind the fact that these people are just using you. You're worth more than that, Trish.
Be careful. Keep checking in so we can all help you through this.
Last edited by Emily2002; 02-28-2009 at 11:58 AM. Reason: fixed quote (i think)
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
You're about the strongest person I know Trish. Your last post just made sad.
If you want the kind of life we both know you want, you know what you have to do.
It's not rocket science.
Stop doing crap.
D
If you want the kind of life we both know you want, you know what you have to do.
It's not rocket science.
Stop doing crap.
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Trish)))
I've been there...lost 3 cars within 6 months (long story) doing what you're doing. One was totaled, the other 2 were rented out and not returned...both had to be reported stolen or I would have gone to jail, as the "dealer" was in a high speed chase WITH my car, running from the cops. I know you're not really thinking of this, right now, but if he gets caught in your van...you will go back to jail, sweetie. And no, that is NOT a better place than treatment.
What's keeping you from going to treatment? Is it bobbles? the van? or just your mind?
I'm certainly not going to judge you, sweetie. Exactly two years ago..I was exactly where you are today...in a viscious cycle, renting out my car (except I was in a strange town), high as a kite, and hating myself for what I was doing. It was my bottom. I really hope this is yours.
Hugs, prayers and love!!
Amy
I've been there...lost 3 cars within 6 months (long story) doing what you're doing. One was totaled, the other 2 were rented out and not returned...both had to be reported stolen or I would have gone to jail, as the "dealer" was in a high speed chase WITH my car, running from the cops. I know you're not really thinking of this, right now, but if he gets caught in your van...you will go back to jail, sweetie. And no, that is NOT a better place than treatment.
What's keeping you from going to treatment? Is it bobbles? the van? or just your mind?
I'm certainly not going to judge you, sweetie. Exactly two years ago..I was exactly where you are today...in a viscious cycle, renting out my car (except I was in a strange town), high as a kite, and hating myself for what I was doing. It was my bottom. I really hope this is yours.
Hugs, prayers and love!!
Amy
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
They killed the battery in my van. She is on her way to Walmart to buy a new one. Asked me if playin the CD player by itself would kill it. Well Yea.
I just called treatment. They only admit mon to fri. I may just go Mon. If not then. Then most definately when everyone gets back next weekend. With or without my van. I only paid $800 for the van.
I am subconciously stackin things for treatment. Like soap and hygeine. I am going. The only question is when now. I cant live like this anymore. My nerves arent cut out for this BS anymore. It was different in FL and NC when I was yopunger and didnt really think about the future. I was just running free and young and crazy. Now...I do care. My aunt told me I killed my gramps and was I trying to kill my grams now. That hurt. But its true.
If I cant be what I want to be for my grmas. I need to just get out of her life for awhile and get me right. Thats why sober living will help me alot. Even though it makes no sense to me to be in a sober facility in the middle of the hood. I need to be indepndant. So to speak.
I feel so sick to my stomach right now. and I am stuck way out here in the middle of nowhere with no way to do anything. I am helpless. If I was closer to the hood. I could go get my van right now.
I dont know how much more I can torture myself.
I just called treatment. They only admit mon to fri. I may just go Mon. If not then. Then most definately when everyone gets back next weekend. With or without my van. I only paid $800 for the van.
I am subconciously stackin things for treatment. Like soap and hygeine. I am going. The only question is when now. I cant live like this anymore. My nerves arent cut out for this BS anymore. It was different in FL and NC when I was yopunger and didnt really think about the future. I was just running free and young and crazy. Now...I do care. My aunt told me I killed my gramps and was I trying to kill my grams now. That hurt. But its true.
If I cant be what I want to be for my grmas. I need to just get out of her life for awhile and get me right. Thats why sober living will help me alot. Even though it makes no sense to me to be in a sober facility in the middle of the hood. I need to be indepndant. So to speak.
I feel so sick to my stomach right now. and I am stuck way out here in the middle of nowhere with no way to do anything. I am helpless. If I was closer to the hood. I could go get my van right now.
I dont know how much more I can torture myself.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Chiy, you know we are all thinking about you: I am right now, and I've been thinking about you all day. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say: if we could and if we lived close to you, I am sure most of us here on SR would come over and be with you.
But we are all restricted to being figures on the talk forum and that keeps us from being there in real life.
I hope you decide to reach out - to NA or AA or any group that offers fellowship and support, IRL. If you reach out you really will find people right in your own area that would be there for you. Maybe they would just come over and sit for a while, but sometimes that is all we need in times of trouble, just another soul who has been through what you are going through. I hope you turn this situation around and take a step out of your isolation.
But we are all restricted to being figures on the talk forum and that keeps us from being there in real life.
I hope you decide to reach out - to NA or AA or any group that offers fellowship and support, IRL. If you reach out you really will find people right in your own area that would be there for you. Maybe they would just come over and sit for a while, but sometimes that is all we need in times of trouble, just another soul who has been through what you are going through. I hope you turn this situation around and take a step out of your isolation.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Alright!! Thats enough!!!
I am gettin my van back. If I have to call my one cousin and beg him to take me to get it. I am gettin it back tonight. Then Monday..Maybe Tues..I will once again ask him to drop me off at treatment. F this BS. This is not me. I cant go down like this. I will not be beaten by this evil ****.
The sooner I start.The sooner I will have peace. I may be locked in a hospital for a month. But F it. Beats where I am now.
I hope this motivation stays with me. Please Lord..Let me keep this strength.
I am gettin my van back. If I have to call my one cousin and beg him to take me to get it. I am gettin it back tonight. Then Monday..Maybe Tues..I will once again ask him to drop me off at treatment. F this BS. This is not me. I cant go down like this. I will not be beaten by this evil ****.
The sooner I start.The sooner I will have peace. I may be locked in a hospital for a month. But F it. Beats where I am now.
I hope this motivation stays with me. Please Lord..Let me keep this strength.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
OMG..They bought a battery and said that someone told them that it needs a new transmission. WTF does a transmission have to do with the battery?
They still havent put the battery in yet. Put the dam bettery in and see what happens first. I hope they dont have someone tearin my van apart. I hate being stuck way out here. I dont even have enough for a cab to get there. I am goin to call them back in 20 mins and see wtf they are doing. Its a friggin battery!! Its not hard!!!
See what I get? KARMA!!
They still havent put the battery in yet. Put the dam bettery in and see what happens first. I hope they dont have someone tearin my van apart. I hate being stuck way out here. I dont even have enough for a cab to get there. I am goin to call them back in 20 mins and see wtf they are doing. Its a friggin battery!! Its not hard!!!
See what I get? KARMA!!
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,793
Trish just stay focussed on goint to treatment and asking for help. The rest will sort itself out. Keep busy, go sit in a meeting and grumble at evewryone 
Good to see your spirit rise again Trish. Uisng is so familiar, we all think we are bulletproof, but the end is most definitely jails institutions and death.
Kevin
Good to see your spirit rise again Trish. Uisng is so familiar, we all think we are bulletproof, but the end is most definitely jails institutions and death.
Kevin
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