I am done!!
 

I am so sick of trying and failing. And honestly. I dont even know why I am here telling any of you this. I havent felt very welcome here in awhile.
And to the ones who have seen me go through it for 2 years. I know...You told me so.

I am coming off a week long binge. I lost my job once again. I lost my car again. My whole family hates me right now. And I crossed a line I said I never would. I scared the **** out of my aunt by beating her door down because she had my money and wouldnt give it to me. My father hates me agian because I cant pay him his money. My cousins hate me for scaring the **** out of their mother. And I dont blame any of them one bit.

I lost again what took me months to get back. I was all caught up on my bills. All court fines paid. Now I have another ticket from the other day.
I would like to say I give up and that I dont care anymore. Because thats about how I feel right now. But I just dont have it in me to give up.
So I am goin back into treatment. Staying for the full time required this time., Which also means goin to sober living. I need to get away from my grams. I need to do something outside my box. I am goin to die soon if I keep goin like this. As much as I wouldnt mind dieing. I dont want to give up like that.

Anyway...Thats where I am right now. I am at bottom once again.
NOW...Its time to do any and everything possible to get right. I am not sure if I will be goin to treatment before they leave for Florida. but more than likely when they get back.

So here I am. A big fat loser once again.

You're NOT a loser as long as you are trying, not giving up. I hope going to treatment will help you to find peace of mind.

:ghug3

I know the feeling Trish, my situtation might not be as extreme as yours but I have spent a long time trying to beat my thing and am sick of coming here saying "I did it again". A lot of people don't do that, they just leave SR like they think you have to have it cracked to be here.

I hope, really hope you have had enough this time Trish. :hug:

So, Trish, what can you do differently this time, so that there is a different outcome?

I'm glad you're safe!

Chiynita
Hi, I'm fairly new to this board, so I don't remember reading any of your post. I'm a recovering opiate/cocaine addict...152 days clean. First of all, You are NOT a loser. After reading your post, I truly feel your despair. But it's gonna be o.k...the biggest step is recognizing that you need help. The best advice I can give you about going into treatment is to do it for yourself...Not for anyone else, Just for YOU. I reeked so much havoc on my family while in active addiction, and the more disappointed in me they were, the more I used. Hell, had I gone to treatment when THEY wanted me to...I'd have been clean for years now. Just worry about YOU right now...You can deal with your family later. Best of luck to you!

:praying

My heart hurts for you honey. I was there, and I am always just a breath away from being there again. I've been reading your posts since I got here, and I always think you sound like an amazing person. Good luck, get help, keep coming.

Admitting your mistake and taking steps to make sure it doesn't happen again, doesn't make you a loser.

My best to you, Chiy. FWIW, I don't think your family hates you, quite the opposite. I think they hate the disease.

Keep trying chynita...even if you don't feel like it, the world is a better place with you in it.

You can never fully realize the people you touch outside of those in your immediate circle....you've helped people here....we need you. You can help so many by continuing to be shaped by your trials...into the great person you can be and already are inside. :)

Peace and love to you chynita.

No, chiy. You're not a loser. I wish I could give you the biggest hug now.

I'm sorry you haven't felt welcome here. :( I still like you...and I still value your input....AND ABOVE ALL OF THAT, I just want you to get well and get well soon. Do what you need to do to get better. And as so many wise people have said, you need to be here at SR the most when you are struggling the most.

Chiy, I just want you to get better.

:hug:

(((Trish)))

You came back here, and that takes guts. You're not a loser, sweetie, you're an addict.

Get your a$$ into treatment, and sober living. Do what it takes...including meetings, if that's what it takes...whether you like them or not. Don't discount anything, until you've given it your best shot, okay?

I agree with coffenut...your family doesn't hate you...they hate the disease. It will take a long time for you to regain their trust, but you can do it.

Hugs, prayers, and love!

Amy

I just want to say that I said I havent felt welcome because of my own actions here lately. I have seen myself being a real ass lately. No compassion or understanding for some here. And as always I let my mouth get thye best of me. I can admit that I read some posts here and just fill up with judgment. That is so wrong in so many ways. I would never want anyone to do that to me. So thats alot of why I havent posted in awhile. My heart was goin in a bad place. I would never want to hurt anyone here. So I just kept my sick mouth shut. I am sorry I lost who I was and turned into everything I hate.

I need to do this. And especially sober living. It will give me the chance to get out on my own and away from the enabling. Be around othewrs liek me. And actually have to rely on myself without having my family to fall back on. Thats is one of my biggest problems. The enabling. It has to end.

Trish.. You are more than welcome here, I hope you feel this is a place to turn, maybe down the road a little more. I'm sorry you're feeling like sh**, I'm hopeful for the treatment thing, that's a scary huge decision to make, and I wish you ALL the success in the world, please check in here and let us (me!) know how you're doing, you are loved, and you are FAR from a loser.

Thanks for this post. I needed to read this. I always was afraid to open my mouth in AA meetings because I felt there I was constantly challenged. Now I do it to others. I hated it and I'm perpetuating it. I have enough trouble with my own sobriety. I don't need to be responsible for other people's. too. I can help if they ask for it. But I don't need to judge it or force it or turn other's experiences into a carbon copy of my own.

My hair is one big matted mess. The inside of my mouth is full of sores from smoking. I look in the mirror and dont even recognize myself. Havent brushed my teeth or showered in 8 days. My fingers are all tore up and bloody from picking them. My lips are cracked and bleeding from being so chapped. A guy was stabbed and killed right where I was the other night. The cops have been watching me. I am one move away from death or jail. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I keep slipping in and out of conscienceness. I keep waking up talking to myself. My body is twitching. I am tore up like never before. My heart was pounding out of my chest the other night. I couldnt get it to slow down for anything. I thouhgt it was going to stop. Couldnt breathe. **** is so dirty and evil. My head itches. My eyes are on fire. I feel like I have a really bad sunburn all around my eyes. I need to rest right now.

Thanks for sharing that last post Trish. Please keep it so you can look back at it when using once again sounds like a good idea. I am glad your going to treatment and sober living sounds like a great plan. Try not to beat yourself up. I know, easier said than done. It took me 7 treatment center before I finally "got it". Not something I'm proud of but it takes what it takes sweetie.

Get some rest and then make a plan for your new life. You don't have to ever feel like you do today.

You are loved and appreciated here Trish.

A loser wouldn't be planning rehab. You are on your way!!

Shame on anyone who said "I told you so" .........we all try and fail, it's part of this horrible process.......we will be thinking of you.

Trish you've always spoken from a position of strength and reality in my opinion. That's what I heard in your posts. I really don't think that any of the judgements you had towards anyone came through in your posts either. Maybe hearing that will alleviate any concerns you had in regards to offending others. Also, we don't know each other at all other than through what we've read in each others posts. Of course we do share the human condition and alcoholism. That makes us brother and sister in some sense.

So with that in mind I want to say that you're being way too damn hard on yourself and it needs to stop. You know the disease and it's power. You know, at least it seems to me because you read like a smart person, what the next best thing is in terms of getting healthy. Yes, rehab is an option but the first step in my opinion is to tend to your wounds and not make them worse by berating yourself. How is that positive? Take the baby steps one at a time and build up once again that which needs repair. And at the risk of sounding cliche, you know we'll always be here for you.

You have my hopes and prayers,
Ken

so grateful that you were able to reach out for the help you need, chiy. please please please do what you have to do to get healthy, and know that we are all supporting you and sending prayers and hugs. k

It sounds horrible.
What are you going to do about it?