I am done!!
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
I am sorry to hear this chiynita. When I first came here you were one of the first ones to reach out to me and I was so appreciative for the hand up you lent me.You can do it again. Keep the faith.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: north yorkshire, england
Posts: 1,891
Im so sorry this is happening to you 
I was thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were doing and thinking how much I missed your posts.
Glad to hear you have made the decision to go to rehab and I hope you can find some personal peace in the meantime. x
I was thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were doing and thinking how much I missed your posts.Glad to hear you have made the decision to go to rehab and I hope you can find some personal peace in the meantime. x
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Trish - You are NOT a loser... You came back and shared with us and that took a lot of strength. I'm so glad that you are not giving up and that you are seeking treatment. I know you want to fight this, and succeed, you can do this...
It will be hard for you to leave Grams, but there is an old saying "You have to help yourself before you can help others"
Love ya my friend - Suz
It will be hard for you to leave Grams, but there is an old saying "You have to help yourself before you can help others"
Love ya my friend - Suz
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
Hey girl, remember when we first started comming here to SR? We were doing it together me you and Amy, we all got a little off track but we came back and more than anything you have that same elastic band for a back bone like we do, honey once your living arrangments change and YOU FINALLY REALIZE YOUR WORTH you will be fine. Remember how you felt when you got your last job you were threw the roof same thing with the car.....yes it is time to detox once again and I TOTALLY agree with the sober l iving, girl you are more than worth it and there are a lot of people here that see it in you every day
You are the best thing for you, get better soon and come back to us whole!
Love and hugs,
Pamm
You are the best thing for you, get better soon and come back to us whole!
Love and hugs,
Pamm
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Trish
Your spirit here has been infectious and a source of light to all.
I hope you take full advantage of your treatment, not simply to get sober, but to learn about yourself.
Changing the environment that enables your relapses sounds like a great first step.
I am in therapy myself and have been for a while. My goal is to learn WHY I do the things I do. Why do we hurt the ones we love most; the ones who have given so much? Why do we relapse when we have finally put things in order? Why do we sabotage ourselves. Using is only the symptom. The answers may lie in places that are far below the surface; some may be decades in the making.
Sure, you'll go through a rigorous, "scripted" program. That's good. But, perhaps you might be the "teacher's pet;" you know, the girl in the front row who is always seeking "extra credit."
Ther may be staff psych people who are available only by request, as well as other resources that others, without your spirit, do not seek out. If the treatment is in your community, or close by, perhaps they have knowledge of aftercare resources that you do not.
Your physical description has me and others concerned. Perhaps you might want to take a picture of yourself for future reference. Make amends to your family now, rather than later. Write them. Tell them that it wasn't Trish doing and saying those things, it was the f'ing drugs and your f'ing disease. Tell them how you really feel.
First, get healthy. Eat. Drink OJ. It's hard to progress in that state. I (we) love you, Trish.
warren
Your spirit here has been infectious and a source of light to all.
I hope you take full advantage of your treatment, not simply to get sober, but to learn about yourself.
Changing the environment that enables your relapses sounds like a great first step.
I am in therapy myself and have been for a while. My goal is to learn WHY I do the things I do. Why do we hurt the ones we love most; the ones who have given so much? Why do we relapse when we have finally put things in order? Why do we sabotage ourselves. Using is only the symptom. The answers may lie in places that are far below the surface; some may be decades in the making.
Sure, you'll go through a rigorous, "scripted" program. That's good. But, perhaps you might be the "teacher's pet;" you know, the girl in the front row who is always seeking "extra credit."
Ther may be staff psych people who are available only by request, as well as other resources that others, without your spirit, do not seek out. If the treatment is in your community, or close by, perhaps they have knowledge of aftercare resources that you do not.
Your physical description has me and others concerned. Perhaps you might want to take a picture of yourself for future reference. Make amends to your family now, rather than later. Write them. Tell them that it wasn't Trish doing and saying those things, it was the f'ing drugs and your f'ing disease. Tell them how you really feel.
First, get healthy. Eat. Drink OJ. It's hard to progress in that state. I (we) love you, Trish.
warren
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Chiy, you are very much loved here. I was such a wreck when I came here and you've always been around to share your experiences and help me with your words. There have been far more positive posts from you than negative - I always enjoy them & they've helped me get well and stay that way. The real Trish is not the one who went out and got trashed. She's deep within you, waiting to come out and stay out. Let her see the sunshine and have a chance to thrive. Nothing matters right now but getting well - however you have to do it - I think you have some good ideas about getting away from your environment. I know you feel old, Trish, but you're still so young - everything's out there waiting for you. You are needed in this world and on SR. Love, Joanie
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Trish,
You have never been anything but kind to me and I have always appreciated that from you. I am so glad you made it back.I worry when you're gone.
You are not a loser.It takes guts to admit you went out again.I am really glad you're going to go to rehab.I think a different environment would be great for you too.I know you can do this.You fall down, but you always get up again and keep trying.I am praying this time is your last fall and that things change with you.You deserve a better life and I'm so pleased you're going to pursue it.
You are always welcome here.Always
Love,
Julesxox
You have never been anything but kind to me and I have always appreciated that from you. I am so glad you made it back.I worry when you're gone.
You are not a loser.It takes guts to admit you went out again.I am really glad you're going to go to rehab.I think a different environment would be great for you too.I know you can do this.You fall down, but you always get up again and keep trying.I am praying this time is your last fall and that things change with you.You deserve a better life and I'm so pleased you're going to pursue it.
You are always welcome here.Always
Love,
Julesxox
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: MN
Posts: 528
Originally Posted by chiynita 
I am so sick of trying and failing. And honestly. I dont even know why I am here telling any of you this. I havent felt very welcome here in awhile.
And to the ones who have seen me go through it for 2 years. I know...You told me so.
I am coming off a week long binge. I lost my job once again. I lost my car again. My whole family hates me right now. And I crossed a line I said I never would. I scared the **** out of my aunt by beating her door down because she had my money and wouldnt give it to me. My father hates me agian because I cant pay him his money. My cousins hate me for scaring the **** out of their mother. And I dont blame any of them one bit.
I lost again what took me months to get back. I was all caught up on my bills. All court fines paid. Now I have another ticket from the other day.
I would like to say I give up and that I dont care anymore. Because thats about how I feel right now. But I just dont have it in me to give up.
So I am goin back into treatment. Staying for the full time required this time., Which also means goin to sober living. I need to get away from my grams. I need to do something outside my box. I am goin to die soon if I keep goin like this. As much as I wouldnt mind dieing. I dont want to give up like that.
Anyway...Thats where I am right now. I am at bottom once again.
NOW...Its time to do any and everything possible to get right. I am not sure if I will be goin to treatment before they leave for Florida. but more than likely when they get back.
So here I am. A big fat loser once again.
And to the ones who have seen me go through it for 2 years. I know...You told me so.
I am coming off a week long binge. I lost my job once again. I lost my car again. My whole family hates me right now. And I crossed a line I said I never would. I scared the **** out of my aunt by beating her door down because she had my money and wouldnt give it to me. My father hates me agian because I cant pay him his money. My cousins hate me for scaring the **** out of their mother. And I dont blame any of them one bit.
I lost again what took me months to get back. I was all caught up on my bills. All court fines paid. Now I have another ticket from the other day.
I would like to say I give up and that I dont care anymore. Because thats about how I feel right now. But I just dont have it in me to give up.
So I am goin back into treatment. Staying for the full time required this time., Which also means goin to sober living. I need to get away from my grams. I need to do something outside my box. I am goin to die soon if I keep goin like this. As much as I wouldnt mind dieing. I dont want to give up like that.
Anyway...Thats where I am right now. I am at bottom once again.
NOW...Its time to do any and everything possible to get right. I am not sure if I will be goin to treatment before they leave for Florida. but more than likely when they get back.
So here I am. A big fat loser once again.
I went through a pretty sheety time recently too, and have had a really hard time dealing with it. I just get how it feels to feel like you have let everyone down, lose your job, car everything do to some really bad choices.
I hope you know, I really will say a prayer for you. God Bless.
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Trish,
I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate you and you are worth so much more than you are giving yourself credit for. Take care of yourself. This CAN be the first day of your best life ever! :ghug3
I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate you and you are worth so much more than you are giving yourself credit for. Take care of yourself. This CAN be the first day of your best life ever! :ghug3
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
Chiy, I'm so sorry to hear what has happened. I'm REALLY glad to hear, however, that you're going to treatment and sober living. I'm really excited about that for you. It sucks hard if it took this happening to make that possible, but I think in the long run it will be good for you.
You are SO welcome here. I have never seen your posts - any of them that I've read - as judgmental. I've seen them as no-B.S.-telling-you-what-you-NEED-to-hear-not-WANT-to-hear, and there is NOTHING wrong with that. You are so supportive of others here and yet, like so many of us, so incredibly hard on yourself.
I hope that you physically recover quickly - it sounds like you're having a really hard time right now and I hate that for you. Please keep us posted on your treatment plans and time frame. We love you incredibly and want you to get well. Soon.
Love,
TSH
You are SO welcome here. I have never seen your posts - any of them that I've read - as judgmental. I've seen them as no-B.S.-telling-you-what-you-NEED-to-hear-not-WANT-to-hear, and there is NOTHING wrong with that. You are so supportive of others here and yet, like so many of us, so incredibly hard on yourself.
I hope that you physically recover quickly - it sounds like you're having a really hard time right now and I hate that for you. Please keep us posted on your treatment plans and time frame. We love you incredibly and want you to get well. Soon.
Love,
TSH
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,141
Originally Posted by chiynita
My hair is one big matted mess. The inside of my mouth is full of sores from smoking. I look in the mirror and dont even recognize myself. Havent brushed my teeth or showered in 8 days. My fingers are all tore up and bloody from picking them. My lips are cracked and bleeding from being so chapped. A guy was stabbed and killed right where I was the other night. The cops have been watching me. I am one move away from death or jail. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I keep slipping in and out of conscienceness. I keep waking up talking to myself. My body is twitching. I am tore up like never before. My heart was pounding out of my chest the other night. I couldnt get it to slow down for anything. I thouhgt it was going to stop. Couldnt breathe. **** is so dirty and evil. My head itches. My eyes are on fire. I feel like I have a really bad sunburn all around my eyes. I need to rest right now.
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