Dee74

A lots changed Trish - just reading through this thread shows that

hugs - roll on Monday!
D

Impurrfect

(((Trish)))

Hang in there sweetie. You're probably just dreading seeing the family because of what went on. Things HAVE changed from when they left..now you're feeling the remorse of what you did...and that doesn't feel so great.

You're going to treatment tomorrow, right? This is a huge step. Today may be difficult, but it's not like we haven't dealt with consequences before..and gotten throught it.

Hang in there, sweetie. I'm on my way to work, but sending you lots and lots of hugs and prayers. You're a fighter, and you don't give up. Go listen to T.I. some more, if you need a little more reinforcement

Luv ya!

Amy

Aysha

Funny you say that Amy..Thats what I have playing right now. Something about that song burns through me.

I dont know. I have a feeling this time is going to be the real deal. It is a little overwhelming. I have never truly said and meant..I am willing to do whatever it takes before. And I dont even know if I do really mean it. I think I do. I wan tto be. But only time will tell.
I see no other way anymore.
And with all honesty. I thought I have felt like I was just so sick of it.
This doesnt feel like those times.
This feels really real. I am scared.
Because I know it is down to my last chance.
No more chances. Not after what I did to my aunt.
Not after running this long this time.
My family is very forgiving. But it is only human to get to that point of taking so much.
And frankly..I am at that point. It is so tiring to be this way.
It isnt fun. It isnt anything but pain.
Most people use to escape pain. It seems I use to feel it.
Like misery is happy for me.
I really cant even put into words how I feel right now.
I feel beat. I am throwing my hands up and giving up. Surrendering I guess.
I want to just lay down and never wake up.
But thats not me.
Not anymore. I have to at least keep trying.
I have failed at everything else in my life.
Anyway.
Just really down and rambling.
Anytime now they should be here.
Maybe that will make me feel better.
Especially if my grams brings me my fav pickled sausages that they dont have up here.
I know..The things that make me happy.
Thx yall

Hevyn

Trish, fear is what finally drove me to quit. I'd felt guilt, dread, & remorse many times, but never the deep down fear I felt the last time I binged. I always knew I drank too much and should stop, but I never had the feeling it was over for me until last year. It took me decades to feel that fear - I finally knew I didn't have it in me to keep coming back....game over. Being terrified worked for me. I wish it hadn't had to come to that. I'm looking forward to you getting well, Trish.

Aysha

Well..Grams cried with joy when I told her I was goin to treatment MON. She is tellin my cousin she has to find a babysitter so she can go with me. She told me to do whatever I have to do. She needs me. Not to help with bills but to just be her grandaughter again.
She told me she wants to see me well before she dies.
I feel bad because I spent the money I was goin to give her for FL. And noone offered her any down there. She babysits for my cousin almost everyday, all day. And my cousin is always crying poverty. But she is far from it. So my grams falls for it and tells her not to pay her the little $40 a week for babysitting she use to. She should be dam lucky she doesnt have topay daycare for 2 kids as many days as she needs.
Gram said My cousin was pullin $100 bill after $100 bill out down there and didnt offer to give her anything.
So I feel like a big piece of **** for not giving her her own money. I know how it feels not to have your very own money.
Anyway. Thats really just all irrelevant. I just get a little mad. Because that cousin is the one always judging me and she has no business judging anyone. And she has a little "I am better than you" attitude.
Anyway. I amde my grams life by tellin her my plans. I told her I need to make own place in this world. And that I will be goin to sober living and I may not be home for awhile. If at all. She told me my home is always here if and when I need it.
She just wants me to get better.
Unconditional. I wish I had a fraction of that quality. Thats why it hurts so much. I have an amazing woman who has stood by me through it all without looking down on me or turning her back on me.
And it isnt enough for me to get right.
This is it yall. This is all or nothing now.
I am scared. Sad but very looking forward to getting better.
As long as it takes. Whatever it takes.

ANGELINA243

Sounds like a good decision, Brother! You have a whole support system behind you. Take advantage of this opportunity. You owe it to yourself. I hope you do find true happiness--one that doesn't involve the dope scene--it isn't worth it. You are worth it! :ghug3

Amy08

I have been following your journey the last few months and you have really inspired me. You probably don't realize it but your honesty and strength has really helped me personally. And probably others. I was feeling pretty low today but your posts and everyones compassion in this thread has brought me up one more time. I wish you well.

Amy

Aysha

Cant sleep again. I am sooo tired but cant get to sleep.
I guess I am gettin a little anxious. Got alot to do tomorrow.
Gettin my van back finally tomorrow. I know it is gonna be like pullin teeth tho.
I know they will come. But they will take their sweet ass time too.
I cant say if I will turn down the bag or not. I will try. But in all honesty. I probably wont.
I know that is so bad.
But I would be lieing if I said I could and would.
But I am goin to treatment Mon. I am gettin my van back. And I am goin to give this everything I got this time.
This all sounds so hypocritical.
It is what it is for now.
I have never came here high except one time.
And I felt so ashamed. So if you guys dont see me tomorrow night. You know why.
I will be here to say my goodbyes before I go.
No internet where I am going. No tv or anything. Its all recovery. All the time.
Got me lots of books and magazines. Paper for letters. Pictures to remind me of what it is I am fighting for.
Mon is the beginning of something big.
It all feels so unreal for some reason.
But it feels peacful.
I am goin to try and get some rest now.

Aysha

Dee74

I really hope I see you tomorrow night Trish.
The last hurrah is such a bogus deal.

Think of all the bad stuff that's gone down, what you've done to yourself, your family.
Thats not even going into what might happen tomorrow. I don't know - you don't know either
You're starting a new life for a reason. Why even think of dancing with the old one again?

I know. This is a big thing. It's scary. Its unknown. It really is a new beginning.
But you're strong - and you have to face it sometime - you have to let the past go.

Why not make Sunday the beginning of something big?

Face down this voice for the last time, and put it where it belongs. In last week.

D

Done_With_It

Did you know Monday is Imperfects sobriety birthday? It's my real birthday, and now it will be your Rehab day! March 9th is a good day!



You can do what you want just seize the day
What you're doing tomorrow's gonna come your way
Don't you ever consider givin' up, you will find, oooh

It's a beautiful life, oh oh ooo
It's a beautiful life, oh oh ooo
It's a beautiful life, oh oh ooo
I just wanna be here beside you
stay until the break of dawn

Take a walk in the park when you feel down
There's so many things there
that's gonna lift you up
See the nature in bloom a laughing child
Such a dream, oooh

It's a beautiful life, oh oh ooo
It's a beautiful life, oh oh ooo
It's a beautiful life, oh oh ooo
I just wanna be here beside you
I just wanna be here beside you
stay until the break of dawn

You're looking for somewhere to belong
You're standing all alone
for someone to guide you on your way
Now and Forever

It's a beautiful life, oh oh ooo
It's a beautiful life, oh oh ooo
It's a beautiful life, oh oh ooo
I just wanna be anybody

Living in different ways
It's a beautiful life
I'm gonna take you to a place I've never been
before oh yeah
It's a beautiful life
I'm gonna take you in my arms and fly away
with you tonight

It's a beautiful life, oh oh ooo
It's a beautiful life, oh oh ooo

It's a beautiful life, oh oh ooo
It's a beautiful life, oh oh ooo
It's a beautiful life, oh oh ooo


You Can Do It Trish!

All The Best To You!!~~ <3

Aysha

My dad just called me. Asked if I was all set for tomorrow. Told me to do what I have to. He doesnt want anymore money for the van. But I am still goin to pay him later on.
He was really gentle and calm. Almost soft. That is rare for him.
Told me he loves me.
You have no idea what that meant to me. The man that has eluded me for most of my life.
The one who is always so hard and emotionless. The one who I thought was so ashamed of me.
This has got to be the last time. It just has to be.

flutter

So happy to hear this, and what a great gift to keep with you as you walk in those doors tomorrow. I'm so proud of you Trish

Aysha

This is my dad and his wife. I have alot of forgiving and letting go to do with her. My dad has over 20 yrs sober from alcohol and cigs.


This is my brother who came to visit me the other day for the first time in a couple yrs.

ANGELINA243

I am so proud of you! Change is scary sometimes--at first anyway, but I know you can do it. You are a strong and courageous person...go for it--the recovery journey!!! A brand new world lies ahead of you!

Impurrfect

(((Trish)))

Done is right...you're going into treatment on my 2-year-clean birthday, and her belly-button-birthday....speaking for ME, you couldn't give me a better present

BTW, I think I understand what you were saying about using to cause pain? It's like that's what you're comfortable with? Been there, done that, got the t-shirt in four different colors. You can get past it, though...I did, and so can you.

I've got to work tonight, so I'm just going to keep you in my thoughts and prayers...more than usual.

I know you won't be able to keep in touch, but you'll be on my mind and in my heart, sweetie.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Aysha

Almost all packed. Took a good little nap. I havent slept maybe 3 hrs all night. So tired but cant sleep a good sleep. I know tomorrow will be different.
I feel anxious. Excited. PEaceful. Hopeful.
I didnt relize how much stuff I was taking. Two suitcases and a small tote.
All showered and clean. Got everythingin order. All I need is my van and everything will be everything.
I will have that in a couple hours.
The smell of that yummy steak cooking. Corn on the cob and a big baked potato with butter and sour cream.
Well...Its almost time.
Waking up early and heading out.
I am hoping I get to stay this time. I am going to do whatever they suggest.
I am in a good frame of mind today.
Will be back later.

ANGELINA243

Sometimes you just have to "forget" everything you thought you knew previously about recovery. Get a new fresh outlook/perspective entirely differently than your own. Allow others the opportunity to help you get better.

mxchaos

Good luck change is always hard but not impossible
you can do this and a happy healthy life is a head

Mattcake

You are so brave, Chinny. Embrace your freedom.