HopeTo180

Anger management deals with controlling personalities.

Toomutch

Hopeto180 - I seriously don't think I will ever get him to consider anger management. It would have to be court ordered.

SelfSeeking

Toomutch... maybe this has been said to you on other threads, but I just read through the thread and something jumped out at me like "HEY HEY DON'T IGNORE THIS!!!" So I'm gonna note it

You said he was controlling even before you got married... and it has escalated. It used to "just" be verbal... and it escalated to his dumping sh!t all over you. I would bet a whole big pile of money that IT WILL ESCALATE TO MORE SERIOUS PHYSICAL ABUSE. Do you see how this process is softening you to prepare for worse abuse? What if he had dumped sh!t on you when you first started dating? You would have been outta there! So he was controlling for a while, then more emotionally abusive, and now he has taken the step into being physical... and you're still there.

That tells him you will accept physical abuse.

I am being blunt because I am scared for you and for your kids. I used to be a domestic violence victim's advocate and will never forget taking pictures of beaten, bruised, cut women in preparation for their court dates.

HopeTo180

Toomutch,
It's likely you won't have to use it. It's nice to know in case things get out of hand. A suggestion to the courts for anger management would carry much weight coming from you. I hope all stays well. Prayers

TryingSoHard

I second that, totally.

I can not judge you. I can not lose respect for you. Only you know what it's like to be you. We can only be here to listen to you, offer support, and tell you what we think. :P You don't deserve to have poop thrown on you, that's for sure... but I will not lose respect for you because you came here to vent and ask for support. I only think more of you for that. You trust us, and we appreciate that.

DO find your happy place. DO value yourself. DO NOT let anyone take either of those away from you.

*HUGS*

TryingSoHard

We tend to see what we want - or need - to see at any given time.

Toomutch

This thread has really got me in a strange state of mind "nothing seems real". This home is so much happier than the one I grew up in. Even though my parents were extremely wealthy,and all my friends envied me; I was a sad little girl.

In this home we laugh, do things together, Ithought we were happy. I know the things my husband does sometimes are abusive. But is any family perfect?

I am getting more confused by the minute, so I will quit rambling...

TryingSoHard

No, no family is perfect. But there is ACCEPTABLE and there is ABUSE.

Two totally different things. You need to learn the difference.

Toomutch

I'm 44, who is going to teach me to live differently than I ever have?

SelfSeeking

Colorado Coalition Against Domestic Violence 303-831-9632
Brandon Center 303-620-9190
Anti-Violence Project (gay and lesbian services) 303-852-5094
Project PAVE (youth) 303-863-7233
Domestic Violence Initiative for Women with Disabilities 303-839-5510
AMEND (Abusive Men Exploring New Directions) 303-832-6363
Project Safeguard (legal options) 303-863-7233
Healing from the Heart (youth) 303-733-1176
Denver Children's Advocacy Center 303-825-3850
Colorado Bar Association -- Family Violence Program

If/when you are ready to talk to someone. A counselor isn't going to tell you "Abuse? Leave now!" They are there to help you figure out the best way for you to be emotionally and physically safe.

You are obviously a strong, smart lady... never doubt it.

Lenina

TooMutch,

I have a lot of respect for you. You asked who was going to teach you at age 44. I think this is something you'll learn for yourself. You already are learning what is and isn't unacceptable to you.

I grew up in a rough household too. I was lucky enough to have spent lots of time with my grandparents and aunt who did have happy homes. I am sure that saved me a load of grief, just having that for a reference.

You have lots of support here.

Love,

Lenina

winwin

TooMutch- I just have to add my two cents. The important thing is that you feel safety for you and your children. When you start doubting that, it is time to rethink your situation. I was married for 35 years and never felt unsafe around anyone that lived in my household. If I did I think I would have rethought my situation and took into consideration myself and my children.

Toomutch

winwin- I really dont think that we are not safe. My husband has never hit the children. I told him from the beginning that spanking my kids was not going to happen. My ex husband doesn't believe in physical punishment either.

It is more of the controlling, yelling and acting crazy over little situations, out of the blue, that is troubling. When I feel that tension in the air begin to build, thats when I cringe.

Serenidad

Toomuch- I hope everything is ok. I read all of the posts and you mentioned early on that you hope your husband doesn't hit you like he used to.

I hope everything has calmed down.

As far as the shoes in the hallway, you might want to be careful about picking your battles. The last thing you want is to have your husband feel like a child and you are his mother. I am only telling you this because I used to do the same thing to my husband and he hated it and I had to learn the hard way.

Good luck.

Toomutch

Jen, Thats a good point about the shoes in the hallway. I don't typically do things like that, I would like to say I'm easy going.

I think I did that with the shoes because I was angry with his actions the day before. So I figured if the hedge hog cage is to be kept clean, the shoes should be picked up as well. At least I didn't put the dirty ole things on his pillow. Still mad I guess...

Serenidad

Yeah- marriage is hard for anyone, especially us people in early recovery. I will keep you in my prayers! Let me know if you need anything!

(((hugs))) :ghug

Toomutch

He and I are going up to the mountains today in the convertable... Its a beautiful day, hopefully if will be enjoyable.