I cant take much more of this
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
He is going to be here pretty soon and as awful as it sounds, I dont even want to see him.
Its my own damn fault though - when we were dating he would corner me and yell in my face with spit flying out. I gues in a way I felt safe with him because I was in the hospital on a suicide lockdown for 13 days, they were trying me on all kinds of meds, I was absolutely as high as a kite in that place. The doctors told me not to make any big decisions for at least a year, because he wasa coming to the hospital everyday bringing me presents and talking about our future, like he was befor I entered the hospital a the bar where I worked.
I was married at the time. My whole family tried to keep him from coming by asking the staff not to allow him into the hospital, but the still did.
When I was released from there I chose him and left my marriage - yeah I know you are probably all thinking I'm such an idiot.
After my meds started working the right way I was already regreting what I had done. My ex said he would take me back but he was still drinking, not aproblematic drinker though. And my current husband said he would never drink again. Which led to my 7 years of sobriety.
Once again I could go on and on, my life has been a crazy ride.
Its my own damn fault though - when we were dating he would corner me and yell in my face with spit flying out. I gues in a way I felt safe with him because I was in the hospital on a suicide lockdown for 13 days, they were trying me on all kinds of meds, I was absolutely as high as a kite in that place. The doctors told me not to make any big decisions for at least a year, because he wasa coming to the hospital everyday bringing me presents and talking about our future, like he was befor I entered the hospital a the bar where I worked.
I was married at the time. My whole family tried to keep him from coming by asking the staff not to allow him into the hospital, but the still did.
When I was released from there I chose him and left my marriage - yeah I know you are probably all thinking I'm such an idiot.
After my meds started working the right way I was already regreting what I had done. My ex said he would take me back but he was still drinking, not aproblematic drinker though. And my current husband said he would never drink again. Which led to my 7 years of sobriety.
Once again I could go on and on, my life has been a crazy ride.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
Many hugs and prayers going out to you Suzette, nobody should have to put up with abuse and agression. Please keep yourself and the children safe, and no this isn't a reason to go looking for a drink. I know you'll stay strong.
Just a suggestion, please consider posting about this in the Friends & Family forum. Many of the women on there have been in similar situations and might have some helpful thoughts and suggestions.
Just a suggestion, please consider posting about this in the Friends & Family forum. Many of the women on there have been in similar situations and might have some helpful thoughts and suggestions.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
NO ONE deserves such abuse. No one. I wouldn't trust him around my kids or my pets. You don't need this crap. Wish I were there. I know how to treat abusers. I learned how first hand. I'd give him a wheel to clean, by golly.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Toomutch..I dont care how many times you told your son to clean that cage.
There is no excuse for that disrespect.
I am like really hot over this and I have no business feeling like that.
I dont know what I would have done if someone dumped any kind of $hit on me.
It would be a wrap.
Toomutch..You do not deserve to be treated like that from anyone for any reason.
There is no excuse for that disrespect.
I am like really hot over this and I have no business feeling like that.
I dont know what I would have done if someone dumped any kind of $hit on me.
It would be a wrap.
Toomutch..You do not deserve to be treated like that from anyone for any reason.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
Another quick thought.
I really do my best to practice love and tolerance in recovery, but there's no reason to be a doormat for someone else. That's what setting healthy boundaries is about.
I really do my best to practice love and tolerance in recovery, but there's no reason to be a doormat for someone else. That's what setting healthy boundaries is about.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Developing Healthy Tolerance
Many of us are skilled at denying and discounting what hurts us. We may endure a particular situation, telling ourselves repeatedly it's not that bad; we shouldn't be so demanding; it'll change any day; we should be able to live with it; it doesn't annoy us; the other person didn't really mean it; it doesn't hurt; maybe it's just us.
We may fight and argue with ourselves about the reality and validity of our pain - our right to feel it and do something about it.
Often we will tolerate too much or so much that we become furious and refuse to tolerate any more.
We can learn to develop healthy tolerance.
We do that by setting healthy boundaries and trusting ourselves to own our power with people. We can lessen our pain and suffering by validating and paying attention to ourselves. We can work at shortening the time between identifying a need to set a boundary, and taking clear, direct action.
We aren't crazy. Some behaviors really do bug us. Some behaviors really are inappropriate, annoying, hurtful, or abusive.
We don't have to feel guilty about taking care of ourselves once we identify a boundary that needs to be set. Look at the experience as an experiment in owning our power, in establishing new, healthy boundaries and limits for ourselves.
We don't have to feel guilty or apologize or explain ourselves after we've set a boundary. We can learn to accept the awkwardness and discomfort of setting boundaries with people. We can establish our rights to have these limits. We can give the other person room to have and explore his or her feelings; we can give ourselves room to have our feelings - as we struggle to own our power and create good, working relationships.
Once we can trust our ability to take care of ourselves, we will develop healthy reasonable tolerance of others.
God, help me begin striving for healthy boundaries and healthy tolerance for others and myself.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Developing Healthy Tolerance
Many of us are skilled at denying and discounting what hurts us. We may endure a particular situation, telling ourselves repeatedly it's not that bad; we shouldn't be so demanding; it'll change any day; we should be able to live with it; it doesn't annoy us; the other person didn't really mean it; it doesn't hurt; maybe it's just us.
We may fight and argue with ourselves about the reality and validity of our pain - our right to feel it and do something about it.
Often we will tolerate too much or so much that we become furious and refuse to tolerate any more.
We can learn to develop healthy tolerance.
We do that by setting healthy boundaries and trusting ourselves to own our power with people. We can lessen our pain and suffering by validating and paying attention to ourselves. We can work at shortening the time between identifying a need to set a boundary, and taking clear, direct action.
We aren't crazy. Some behaviors really do bug us. Some behaviors really are inappropriate, annoying, hurtful, or abusive.
We don't have to feel guilty about taking care of ourselves once we identify a boundary that needs to be set. Look at the experience as an experiment in owning our power, in establishing new, healthy boundaries and limits for ourselves.
We don't have to feel guilty or apologize or explain ourselves after we've set a boundary. We can learn to accept the awkwardness and discomfort of setting boundaries with people. We can establish our rights to have these limits. We can give the other person room to have and explore his or her feelings; we can give ourselves room to have our feelings - as we struggle to own our power and create good, working relationships.
Once we can trust our ability to take care of ourselves, we will develop healthy reasonable tolerance of others.
God, help me begin striving for healthy boundaries and healthy tolerance for others and myself.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Thank you for that Astro,
I do need to work on my boundaries, I know that. I have gotten better, but I suppose thats not saying much.
I will repeat that prayer:
God help me begin striving for healthy boundaries and healthy tolerance for others and myself.
I do need to work on my boundaries, I know that. I have gotten better, but I suppose thats not saying much.
I will repeat that prayer:
God help me begin striving for healthy boundaries and healthy tolerance for others and myself.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
I am SO sorry to hear what you are going through.
There is absolutely no excuse for anyone to be treated the way you are being treated.
Please consider your options, and you do have options. A women's shelter would be a safe place for you and your kids and they would help you to move forward with your life.
I hate to think of you suffering like that, and maybe even more, I hate that your children are exposed to that.
There is absolutely no excuse for anyone to be treated the way you are being treated.
Please consider your options, and you do have options. A women's shelter would be a safe place for you and your kids and they would help you to move forward with your life.
I hate to think of you suffering like that, and maybe even more, I hate that your children are exposed to that.
Turning it all around
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 330
...I am the alcoholic...
...Stark raving mad...
...I put the money down on our home...
...now he calls this his house...
...waiting for the day that he gets physical with me again...
...I have never called the cops...
...I am sick and tired of me and my 2 of our 5 kids being bullied...
...I have cried so hard this time that my eyes are swollen shut...
...I just can't stand it anymore!
Anger management for him! Once that's under control, if ever, you can get sober if not already. That guy would drive me to drinking!
This is a disaster waiting to happen. There is no way you can leave this like it is. Remember there is probably a safe-house in your area. Find out where it is and make contact with the people there in case you need them. I wish you all the luck in the world. I'm sure you'll do the right thing, you're already talking about it. Keep us posted! Prayers
...Stark raving mad...
...I put the money down on our home...
...now he calls this his house...
...waiting for the day that he gets physical with me again...
...I have never called the cops...
...I am sick and tired of me and my 2 of our 5 kids being bullied...
...I have cried so hard this time that my eyes are swollen shut...
...I just can't stand it anymore!
Anger management for him! Once that's under control, if ever, you can get sober if not already. That guy would drive me to drinking!
This is a disaster waiting to happen. There is no way you can leave this like it is. Remember there is probably a safe-house in your area. Find out where it is and make contact with the people there in case you need them. I wish you all the luck in the world. I'm sure you'll do the right thing, you're already talking about it. Keep us posted! Prayers
Seriously Fun!
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: California coast
Posts: 415
TM,
I just read some of your replies, and it seems like there is a small part of you that thinks you deserve to be in this situation. Please beleive me...that is not true.
We are human. We make mistakes. We misjudge people. You do not have to live with the mistake you made the rest of your life. Part of growth is seeing the mistakes and changing them...no matter how old we are. It is never too late to make a better life for yourself.
From Maya Angelou ( I got this from this website....)
Straight Talk On Relationships: VIOLENCE IN RELATIONSHIPS
MAYA ANGELOU'S WORDS OF WISDOM
Maya Angelou said this:
"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."
"I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."
"I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life."
"I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as "making a life."
"I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance."
"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back."
"I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision."
"I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."
"I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.
People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back."
"I've learned that I still have a lot to learn."
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
I just read some of your replies, and it seems like there is a small part of you that thinks you deserve to be in this situation. Please beleive me...that is not true.
We are human. We make mistakes. We misjudge people. You do not have to live with the mistake you made the rest of your life. Part of growth is seeing the mistakes and changing them...no matter how old we are. It is never too late to make a better life for yourself.
From Maya Angelou ( I got this from this website....)
Straight Talk On Relationships: VIOLENCE IN RELATIONSHIPS
MAYA ANGELOU'S WORDS OF WISDOM
Maya Angelou said this:
"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."
"I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."
"I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life."
"I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as "making a life."
"I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance."
"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back."
"I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision."
"I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."
"I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.
People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back."
"I've learned that I still have a lot to learn."
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 482
Toomutch - Please think about this relationship.
I was in an abusive relationship for about 5 years. I was lucky that we never had kisd and weren't married, so it made it easier to leave. I knew I had to leave the relationship after only 18 months but it took me another 3 1/2 years to leave.
See if there are some shelters for women around. If you aren't ready to leave him yet at least start going to sessions and talk about what's happening. Hopefully it will help you see more clearly.
I was in an abusive relationship for about 5 years. I was lucky that we never had kisd and weren't married, so it made it easier to leave. I knew I had to leave the relationship after only 18 months but it took me another 3 1/2 years to leave.
See if there are some shelters for women around. If you aren't ready to leave him yet at least start going to sessions and talk about what's happening. Hopefully it will help you see more clearly.
friend of bill w.
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: east coast
Posts: 218
Toomuch,
The last two times my husband threw a temper tantrum, I called the cops both times. The first time he destroyed a stereo and broke the bedroom door, the cops let him off with a warning. The second time he smashed my tv and put two new holes in the wall, this time he spent the night at the Greybar Hotel.
We are separated now and he is probably going to have to do mandatory counseling and complete a treatment program and they will drop the charges. I asked for leniency because I feel I am not an angel either and I just want him to get help.
Luckily my husband is such a slob himself that if the hamster cage was never cleaned he wouldn't even notice. But we don't have a hamster.
IF he does that again please call the cops. I would tell you to put hamster poop in his favorite easy chair or something but it sounds like that wouldn't be a good idea considering his poor lack of impulse control!
And if you do call the cops and they arrest him you will get a protection from abuse order and can keep it on him til he either moves his stuff out or gets counseling! At least that's how it is in our state. They are very tough on domestic violence. oh, and after you call the cops..pack his **** and sprinkle it with hamster poop and leave it out on the front yard for him to pick up! and change the locks!
Hugs to you! Stay strong!
The last two times my husband threw a temper tantrum, I called the cops both times. The first time he destroyed a stereo and broke the bedroom door, the cops let him off with a warning. The second time he smashed my tv and put two new holes in the wall, this time he spent the night at the Greybar Hotel.
We are separated now and he is probably going to have to do mandatory counseling and complete a treatment program and they will drop the charges. I asked for leniency because I feel I am not an angel either and I just want him to get help.
Luckily my husband is such a slob himself that if the hamster cage was never cleaned he wouldn't even notice. But we don't have a hamster.
IF he does that again please call the cops. I would tell you to put hamster poop in his favorite easy chair or something but it sounds like that wouldn't be a good idea considering his poor lack of impulse control!
And if you do call the cops and they arrest him you will get a protection from abuse order and can keep it on him til he either moves his stuff out or gets counseling! At least that's how it is in our state. They are very tough on domestic violence. oh, and after you call the cops..pack his **** and sprinkle it with hamster poop and leave it out on the front yard for him to pick up! and change the locks!
Hugs to you! Stay strong!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
I was rethinking the whole scenerio and had forgotton something.
When he was shaking that wheel on me I YELLED at him that if he didn't get the wheel away from me I was going to shove it up his a**. And I meant it.
Last night I brought it up to him that I will never be dumped on again and that it's abuse. His reply was " I bet we will never find the cage dirty again". I replied "if we do and you so much as think of behaving in such a manner, your gonna wish you hadn't"
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not this weak littlething that lets him shove me and the kids around. Yes he does these things, and they are random and upsetting, but he does not lay a hand on my children. Except for once; and that time I did call the cops. I have never called them for things that have gone on between he and I, but I did call when he and my daughter got into it.
She was in our bedroom back talking me and I asked her to leave my room. She said no. So my husband grabbed her and physically pulled her out, but she came back in... Thiings began to escalate so I ran downstairs and called the 911, telling them that there was a domestic issue between my husband and 14 year old daugther. I was sure he would go to jail for putting his hands on her - but no... The police, there were two of them told my daughter that she needs to listen to her parents and if they say leave the room, whether she likes it or not, she needs to leave. If she dosn't she can be physically removed by a parent.
I know I keep rambling about this, but I guess I'm not finished yet.
I'm wondering if things here aren't that much different then other homes where 4 teenagers live. Our kids that live at home are 14, 15, 16 and 17.
When he was shaking that wheel on me I YELLED at him that if he didn't get the wheel away from me I was going to shove it up his a**. And I meant it.
Last night I brought it up to him that I will never be dumped on again and that it's abuse. His reply was " I bet we will never find the cage dirty again". I replied "if we do and you so much as think of behaving in such a manner, your gonna wish you hadn't"
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not this weak littlething that lets him shove me and the kids around. Yes he does these things, and they are random and upsetting, but he does not lay a hand on my children. Except for once; and that time I did call the cops. I have never called them for things that have gone on between he and I, but I did call when he and my daughter got into it.
She was in our bedroom back talking me and I asked her to leave my room. She said no. So my husband grabbed her and physically pulled her out, but she came back in... Thiings began to escalate so I ran downstairs and called the 911, telling them that there was a domestic issue between my husband and 14 year old daugther. I was sure he would go to jail for putting his hands on her - but no... The police, there were two of them told my daughter that she needs to listen to her parents and if they say leave the room, whether she likes it or not, she needs to leave. If she dosn't she can be physically removed by a parent.
I know I keep rambling about this, but I guess I'm not finished yet.
I'm wondering if things here aren't that much different then other homes where 4 teenagers live. Our kids that live at home are 14, 15, 16 and 17.
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