VikingGF

I dare say I am a hot mess today. No memory can't spell can't find words feel kind of dizzy but not physically dizzy just brain dizzy and I know that this is probably PAWS and it's so annoying because I was feeling so amazing and now I just I'm second-guessing everything I do. I know it will pass, it's not a big deal- it's just very frustrating because it really interferes with how effective I am at work and my ability to do things quickly and accurately just seems to be gone right now. I'm kind of tired too. My best friend and I spent the whole weekend watching Foo Fighters concerts and the documentary Back-and-Forth, which was so good. I feel a little silly but I am just so sad about Taylor and I remember feeling this way about Chester and Prince and Anthony Bourdain and I start to think why am I so upset about people I didn't even know? After talking about it with my friend we decided that music is such a big part of our lives and who we are and we look at it as a comfort, so when something bad happens related to our comfort zone it's quite unsettling. I know we're not alone though because on social media people are just outpouring all this grief and love in the stories of how much Taylor meant to them and they're concerned about how the band is doing, and his family. I guess my strong feelings about this loss is no different then how I feel so strongly connected to the people I've met here on SR. We've never ACTUALLY met. But we know more about each other than lots of people I know face-to-face. I feel connected to everyone of you in this class. I know I'm rambling I'm tired I'm frustrated I'm sad but I'm grateful as all heck to be sober. I think sober rambling Is ok. It really sounds like rambling because did you know that the new download of IOS allows you to voice to text while lying in bed on your pillow? I found this out by complete accident but now I think it's kind of cool. I promise to go back to typing tomorrow, I sound a little more intelligent when I type. LOL. A little.

Smooches to all.

Dee74

VGF

D

Bodhi02

Hi Class, today was a pretty good day. I had a presentation and I usually get pretty nervous like have a racing heartbeat and thoughts but today I felt very calm and almost excited about it. Public speaking is an area that I’ve also struggled in and im loving that I’m making significant progress. We’re supposed to return to the office part time soon and before I was very resistant, but now I’m thinking do I really want to spend so much time at home im missing out on so much life! Just such a different sunny disposition I’ve been feeling where im really enjoying life and what it has to offer🌞

Viking, ugh I’m so sorry you are going through a distressing time ❤️ Here’s a quote that I’m hoping you find comforting “After rain there is always sunshine.”

Free2bme888

Bodhi, it sounds like you’re doing great! Keep up the good work.

Viking, I totally understand where you’re coming from. It is 1:23 in the morning where I’m at and I feel like I’m living at Disney World in a hotel. I feel crappy, I am lacking sleep, my arm hurts, my hand hurts, and I’m having a pity party.

I should be happy, but I’m not. I am just angry.

i’m angry because housing prices have doubled, and we have already sold our condo. So basically we are not going to have a place to live for a while because we cannot afford to double the price on building a new home. I’m upset because my husband is in complete denial about his late wife cancers caused by her alcoholism. He even went so far as wondering if his children might have the genes for the cancer that was caused by her drinking. That would be like me wondering if my children would be in danger of lung cancer because my dad smoked and got lung cancer. I guess that’s all part of the denial process not only of the alcoholic, but Of their families as well. I think for him to admit that she caused her own demise would reflect on him negatively. I’m sure he feels guilty as hell being a doctor and not noticing, or noticing and denying that it was that bad. I don’t even know why that should even bother me, but everything is bothering me right now.

I am frightened for my country, that we are becoming so weak as a nation, our reflection of all of the turmoil of the last few years, and the direction of the sense that everyone must be the ‘same’. It is very scary to me.

My husband and I watched a film documentary that showed the Milgram experiment. That experiment was to figure out why the normal people of Germany could perform such heinous acts as they did in World War II. I encourage you to look it up. It has a “teacher” That is randomly picked, and a “student” that is actually an actor.

I’m upset that my hand hurts still after all this time and then I still cannot make a fist. I am concerned that one of our visitors last week told me that my husband used to drink three stiff drinks or more every night and wondered why he didn’t do that anymore, wondering if it was because I have chosen not to drink. The problem is I never realized that my husband might’ve been doing that. He seems to be a normal drinker. Which puts me in a place that that gets me to see they’re trying to cause a problem, or that he might be a problem drinker. Not good either way that is rolled.

im not drinking over it, but I had three large cookies, and dark chocolate with almonds. My club soda with cherries in it wasn’t cutting it.

im angry my drinking became toxic. I’m upset I can’t hit the reset button. I’m appalled at people’s gall.

Aaaarrrrgh!

Dee74

When the world or the people in it get to me I focus inward.
I’ve survived worse, and I’ll survive this too

D

Free2bme888

Thackeray Dee and Venus!

venuscat

I don't know what that means dear Free. Vanity Fair comes to mind...

EDIT....which may well be what was in your head as well.
But I hadn't contributed to the conversation yet, just saying.
So I get points for nothing.

Free2bme888

It means thank you in Siri code 😁🤣😂😅

Free2bme888

Points for the “thanks”😍

Free2bme888

Husband woke me up off the couch, got about 6 hours. Jerkwad upstairs is STILL moving, scraping, drilling, SOMETHING. I hope,this means he is readying his condo to leave u til his next horrible visit. I saw he was trying to buy more condos here 🤯😩

venuscat

What? What is Siri code? (Scary iPhone people )

And I am keeping my points....Vanity Fair really fits into the conversation you guys were having.

Free2bme888

The Siri sometimes changes what we type to what the AI (artificial intelligence) interprets it to mean. Yes, very scary, Venus 😳🤯

Slept MUCH better, better frame of mind, volunteering as an usher tonight for John Denver tribute concert, and husband got a ticket to see it.

Jerkwad owners upstairs started drilling at 0800, at least not earlier.

So glad I didn’t succumb to drinking, it doesn’t solve anything or make annoyances go away.

venuscat

I adored John Denver. Hope you have a good night love.

Bodhi02

This sorority group chat I'm in is just so stuck in the past. They keep talking about our past party days and family lines. It brings up so much sadness and guilt for me. I feel
guilty for all the messed up things I did back then and I feel sad that I treated myself so badly. Just doing anything to avoid and numb myself.

I have very much outgrown this group, but don’t want to have a conversation where I’m like I’ve outgrown you so I’m just trying to let it fade out. It’s taking longer than I thought!

I’d leave the chat and have spent countless hours talking about this in therapy, but there was so much uproar from me leaving a bachelorette party chat that I’m not going to I feel like these people would have a melt down or they’d see that as me ending the friendship. I don’t want to burn any bridges so I haven’t left the chat, but it does bother me quite a bit. Like I just want to move on from the person I was in my early 20s.

Bodhi02

Anyways something has to give with this group like something has to change and I’m not sure what but I’m on this loop in my head around this friend group that’s really starting to get old and annoying. I think that’s a good thing it’s very much a place I found myself when I was attempting to moderate alcohol. I think it’s called extinction or maybe exposure therapy something like that.

venuscat

I am not sure why you don't get to decide what chat groups you are in dear Bodhi.
You are an awesome woman....accomplished and building a fantastic life.
Maybe you can start a new group chat and leave these people behind.

VikingGF

Just don't chat, Bohdi. Ghosting works, it really does. Pipe in here and there if you feel you must but skip over the gory details and check in less and less. Things change, and that's ok. You don't need to have a giant discussion about it. That's just how relationships evolve, especially where there is lopsided growth. You're doing so great. I wish I had my head on as straight as you when I was your age. Oh, the time I wouldn't have wasted! Just keep being your awesome self and don't let change make you second guess your choices.

Also feel free to try, "New phone, who dis?" It's a fave of mine.

Bodhi02

Thank you Viking and Venuscat! I have to admit I’m pretty embarrassed I posted about and continue to be so tormented by this group chat. It’s just such a silly and minute issue. It’s really not worth the aggravation. I’ve muted the chat for now. I’ll just have to get better at ignoring the topics that don’t serve me anymore much like my thoughts! Just because they’re being said or thought does not mean I have to buy into them or run off with them in my head.

venuscat

I think it is helpful to talk it through. And I often need to write stuff down in order to get clarity. s

Bodhi02

Very true Vcat!

The husband and I are on our way to Washington DC for a long weekend visit. Hopefully the cold spell didn’t hinder the cherry blossoms from blooming!