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Class of January 2020 PART 7

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Old 07-11-2020, 05:52 AM
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I can't see your posts ever offering anything but hope to someone who may be struggling love ~ you are a power of example.
You got sober and are living your life.....this is the dream.

I adore your posts. ❤️
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Old 07-11-2020, 05:56 AM
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That is my hope venus

Thanks so much
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Old 07-11-2020, 07:36 AM
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Thanks for sharing that fish.

"Who the hell gets emotional buying a car? " I got a little emotional over the last work ATV and the last work truck I bought. When they kept trying to sell me the extended warranty. I'm guessing that was a different type of emotion though. LOL.

"God I wish I could go back 30 years and kick that son of a ------ in his ---". Yes, I've thought this a number of times also.
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Old 07-11-2020, 07:51 AM
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That is what life is about, Fish. Totally. Thanks for sharing that.

I also don't know how I missed out on knowing the true meaning of life basically all my life. I'm just glad to be on this side now and away from the former madness. I'm so glad to have you all to share with.
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Old 07-11-2020, 08:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Cityboy View Post
Thanks for sharing that fish.

"Who the hell gets emotional buying a car? " I got a little emotional over the last work ATV and the last wi saw ork truck I bought. When they kept trying to sell me the extended warranty. I'm guessing that was a different type of emotion though. LOL.

"God I wish I could go back 30 years and kick that son of a ------ in his ---". Yes, I've thought this a number of times also.
When I saw that warranty in her paperwork that emotion was on it's way believe me. Lol
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Old 07-11-2020, 08:20 AM
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Thanks butter
Sharing also helps me relive the joy I felt. Thanks for being here to listen!
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Old 07-11-2020, 10:19 AM
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Gosh this is an awesome thread.
You are all wonderful. s
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Old 07-11-2020, 05:45 PM
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Hi everyone. I thought I'd share a little more about this proactive approach that I'm taking to stressors and anxiety inducing situations.

Basically, what I'm learning, and it's still such a work in progress for me (especially since it requires consistency), is the importance of starting the day right. So, getting up an hour earlier in the morning and spending some quiet time with myself, meditating and planning the day ahead. Now, this planning is not about what to wear, cook, work tasks to do, no. It's about being intentional and specific to things that are likely to cause stress, worry, strife... Those repetitive things that can be anticipated and that, usually, would just mess up the day.

For me, those would be things like if my kids refuse to eat the food I make them, or throw tantrums, or the day devolves into too much screen time, or they fight, etc. Or if I argue with my husband over something, if he says something unfair/growly to me and vice versa.... Or if another mum criticises some aspect of my parenting... These issues seem small in the large scheme of things but, based on how I respond to them, they can cause negative (or positive) feelings to get compounded in me, leading to one or other form of breakdown. Plus, these are issues I face every day and, therefore, I risk 'breaking down' every day and that just is no way to live.

So, being specific and intentional about how I will respond, each day, to each of those scenarios, usually renders my day victorious, for lack of a better word.

Unfortunately, today wasn't such a day as I didn't prioritise that morning quiet time.... sigh. Tomorrow, lol.

However, that's where affirmations come in... So saying things like, 'I refuse to take offence,' when I feel offended or criticised by someone, that helps me, in that moment, to respond positively; or, at the very least, to not respond in my usual negative way (like get defensive and lash out... and there goes my day).

Joyce Meyer, the speaker from whom I learned this concept of starting the day right, described the process as 'putting on armour', like in preparation for battle. Similar to how we plan out what to wear to work in the morning and put the clothes on meticulously, it's also important to prepare and put on the armour that will help in tackling various situations and problems that can be anticipated throughout the day.

dlb, you were right about us now learning to deal with our emotions. It's certainly been the case for me.

In the beginning, dealing with my emotions was all about gritting my teeth through them, fighting cravings and hoping for the best. It was either that or try very hard to avoid experiencing the stressors, which tended to be a hit or miss strategy. Then, gradually, it dawned on me that these 'bad emotions', that I usually rile against, are ok to have, that it's natural and part of life and, instead of trying to make them go away, they should be felt, fully, and then released as they naturally dissipate. I think this is the making of a healthy level of emotional intelligence and, for most, if not all, of my life, mine sucked, lol.

The emotions, in and of themselves, have little to do with the causing factor or the reality, much of the time. Sometimes they persist long after the causing incident has passed, and that is why it is very important to learn to separate our emotions from the trigger and to NOT act in accordance with how we feel. Age old advice right there but try telling that to someone in the throes of it...

I think that is why the practice of being proactive about these things helps. That and working on our growth and maturity and polishing up on our emotional intelligence however we can.

I read, a short while ago, something that a SR wrote with regard to dealing with arguments/disagreements with people. She said that she tries to put herself in the other person's shoes and to try and see things from their perspective. At the time, which wasn't too long ago, I balked at that notion. My pride/ego wouldn't let me even consider it. However, after some quiet consideration, I decided to give it a go and it has been a very rewarding process, especially in terms of dissipating boiling tensions and negative feelings. The whole concept is still a tough pill to swallow, but, I am trying. I guess that's what growth and maturity is.
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Old 07-11-2020, 05:51 PM
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Perhaps these are the 'coping mechanisms' people speak of so much in addiction circles. 'Find better coping mechanisms...' I used to understand that to mean that there was something else out there, other than alcohol, that could work in the same way to 'make the bad feelings and emotions go away'. Towards the end of my drinking, just last year, I got pretty frustrated and tired of family telling me to 'join the gym', 'go for a run', 'meet up with friends more often', 'engage in a hobby'... As lost as I was, I inherently knew that these were just band aids; there had to be an answer, an antidote to the terrible, daily hurting, outside of simply going to the gym.

Of course, I appreciate that these 'band aids' are helpful, but only to that person who already knows the truth. For those still in the dark, like I sadly was, they would simply act as more platforms from which I could continue to mess up my life (and that of others), or, at the very least, continue to 'survive' and hoodwink the world that I was living.

I've had a hard time letting go of my past and forgiving myself, as I know we all have. However, as time goes on and I learn more about the meaning of life and I hone in on my purpose in life, I find the past is slowly disintegrating and falling away, and the wounds, for me, are healing. I know that there's a place for making amends and so on but, truth be told, I'm not there yet. In time, perhaps...

One other thing that has helped me make peace with my past, or with the buttermarsh that was, is compassion. That and an understanding that back then I was operating based on wrong perceptions of life and faulty beliefs/paradigms. In short, the lens through which I viewed the world was grossly flawed and so everything that I did, naturally, was also flawed. This is not an excuse, but it is an inescapable fact. For that reason, I have a lot of compassion for the old buttermarsh.

I re-read the paragraph below again, by chance, this evening, and it explains it very well:

"For our purposes, a simple way to understand paradigms is to see them as maps. We all know that "the map is not the territory." A map is simply an explanation of certain aspects of the territory. That's exactly what a paradigm is. It is a theory, an explanation, or model of something else.
Suppose you wanted to arrive at a specific location in central Chicago. A street map of the city would be a great help to you in reaching your destination. But suppose you were given the wrong map. Through a printing error, the map labeled "Chicago" was actually a map of Detroit. Can you imagine the frustration, the ineffectiveness of trying to reach your destination?
You might work on your behavior -- you could try harder, be more diligent, double your speed. But your efforts would only succeed in getting you to the wrong place faster.
You might work on your attitude -- you could think more positively. You still wouldn't get to the right place, but perhaps you wouldn't care. Your attitude would be so positive, you'd be happy wherever you were.
The point is, you'd still be lost. The fundamental problem has nothing to do with your behavior or your attitude. It has everything to do with having a wrong map.
If you have the right map of Chicago, then diligence becomes important, and when you encounter frustrating obstacles along the way, then attitude can make a real difference. But the first and most important requirement is the accuracy of the map."

This comes from Stephen Covey's 'The Seven Habits...'. Take note that I read (or tried to) the book in my early 20s but was unable to grasp these concepts then, let alone implement them in my life. I suppose I wasn't ready then, or I needed a little more suffering, more time out in the desert...

Well, like I said before, I've paid enough.

This has been long, but I felt like I needed to not only write it out, but share too. Thanks, guys, for reading and for being my support through this journey.
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Old 07-11-2020, 06:17 PM
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I can;t argue with any of that buttermarsh

D
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Old 07-11-2020, 07:09 PM
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Thanks for taking the time to post that butters!

Wrong map, emotional immaturity, me to a tee.
I see these things in others at times and my first response is to think what the hell are they thinking.
Then I realize I am looking in the mirror and I feel apathy towards them because I know how hard it was on me.
This has helped me get past who I was. I just didn't know what the heck to do so I partied and ignored the fact I was veering off the path of life.

I like the idea of preparing for the stressors of the day. I will give this a try.

Venus you are correct. This thread, group, is awesome.
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Old 07-12-2020, 12:37 AM
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Lovely to hear from you all
Great reading your posts Fish and Butters, really insightful.
I haven’t got a whole lot to say because I’m here yawning my head off and barely able to keep my eyes open.
I won’t be far away from bed I think....
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Old 07-12-2020, 01:17 AM
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4am and off to the beautiful Chesapeake Bay to do some fishing.
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Old 07-12-2020, 02:09 AM
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Morning all. My kid's dog woke me up wanting to go outside to go potty, so now I'm up. Oh well, put on some coffee, will put some sausage on the grill, get some jobs done around the house in a bit.

Hope you have a great day of fishing Fish!

Being a sincere person with no manipulative tendencies, it comes much more naturally to concentrate on the tasks of the day and then get defensive when faced with the inevitable drama. This sets the stage for turning the drama-induced anxiety towards an alcoholic beverage of choice. How wonderful it would be to mitigate the drama through technique and skill. There would be less stress around the house and my business would be more successful.

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Old 07-12-2020, 02:34 AM
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I think that we all come pre-hardwired to deal with situations in a certain manner and it can seem very unnatural to reprogram how those situations are dealt with. How great it would be though to be in control instead of just getting defensive as usual.

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Old 07-12-2020, 03:13 AM
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Hi everyone :-)

It has been a few days since I have posted. I woke up a few days ago in a good mood. About an hour later I was struck with an overwhelming sense of glumness, for want of a better word. This is not entirely abnormal for me, but still it's suddenness and the fact that it seemingly came out of nowhere really got to me.

Wherever it came from, it has precipitated something quite unexpected. As part of my de-cluttering exercise a week or so ago, I had collected in one place the small collection of self-help books I have accumulated over the past few years. Now I know the self-help books aren't everyone's cup of tea, and I use them myself only sparingly. And whilst none are any kind of magic bullet, there is not one I haven't learnt from (even the rubbish ones teach you how to subsequently identify a rubbish one, thereby saving a lot of wasted time and energy).

One caught my eye - Mind Over Mood (Greenberger & Padesky). It was recommended to me by a therapist around this time last year. It has sat on the shelf, unopened and unread, ever since. Hasn't helped me one bit during that time

Cutting to the chase, so to speak, I have been working through it the past few days. It is pure CBT, quite dry, but very practical with a lot of exercises to complete. It has (and continues to be) very hard work! Emotionally painful, mentally draining, physically exhausting even.

But it's structure and methodology appeals to me, and I am making progress. Albeit slowly, but that is to be expected. In these early steps, it seems remarkably analogous to the de-cluttering exercise - the task seems insurmountable at first, you make more of a mess than before you started as you gather up all the rubbish, but slowly but surely some semblance of order and clarity begins to emerge.


I wasn't going to post (again) this morning - thought I had nothing to say (!) But thanks to the reading of your recent posts I have done so, and thankful I have.

Take care everyone :-)
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Old 07-12-2020, 05:58 AM
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Thank you for all the posts. It is nice to sit and hear everyones thoughts and discoveries.

Fish, that was a lovely story to share. To agree with Venus and the class, expressing your feeling of pride of being present at a family moment is great for all of us to read. Sobriety is hard fought and you earned that. We are all really happy for you.
Butters, that was such a wonderful post. I agree about preparing ourselves for the day, not just waking up and reacting. At times I have been good with this and drift off. Tomorrow I will set my alarm and give myself time to properly prepare, putting on my compassionate armour and setting my goals.
Abraxas, I read self-help books and have tried to learn from life-coach experts. I have found only good things from opening yourself up to improve your life. It is partly what led me here to you all.
City, I agree we do seem to be hard-wired to react to events a certain way. I love the idea in this thread about reprogramming ourselves away from even thinking about alcohol. Re-wiring so we physically change without thinking.
Willow, I am going to do chicken and garden herbs today. We have a few, hopefully non are toxic !

It is a quiet Sunday here. I have enjoyed all of your self-reflection and it is helping me to do the same. We are all works-in-progress and open to healing and being better people. To have moments like Fish did, in our own lives.

Have a healthy, safe, sober and happy Sunday all

​​​​​​​dlb

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Old 07-12-2020, 06:17 AM
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Wow....amazing posts.

I love what you are doing and learning Butters....setting your intention for the day, choosing how you will react to triggering situations in advance....these are things that I have also been working on. And honestly, they enable me to be me. Someone I like instead of someone who 'reacts'.
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Old 07-12-2020, 07:50 AM
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Hi classmates!

It's a cool and quiet Sunday here too. A great day for more quiet self-reflection and preparing for the week ahead. It was lovely reading all your posts.

Mind over Mood; that sounds like a really good book, abraxas. I agree, self help books, life coaches, those types of things almost always have some wisdom to offer. It just needs to find the recipient ready to receive. I wish you all the best in your process.

Fish; enjoy your day of fishing. The Chesapeake bay does sound beautiful...

dlb, I did try out your green eggs yesterday and they were so yum. Thanks for that idea.

Hugs and kind thoughts to all of you. Catch you all later!
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Old 07-12-2020, 02:13 PM
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Great posts everyone
I’ve been reading “The reality slap” by Russ Harris. It takes a bit of getting through, but I’m finding it helpful.
Mind over mood sounds good too, I might look out for that next
My psychologist prefers CBT to ACT so she isn’t a big fan of Russ Harris. I haven’t tried much in the way of CBT but I think it may be useful for me too.

I’m also reading a mindless but entertaining novel about complex human relationships at the moment Actually it might not be completely mindless lol, but I’m reading it purely for the entertainment factor
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