biminiblue

Happy Birthday, kk. So awesome that you chose to be sober for this one and hopefully every other one going forward.

Sounds like a fun trip.

saoutchik

A belated Happy 30th Birthday kk! It sounds like you had a top notch day made all the better for being sober.

Fusion

Oh my, Kk, how remiss of me, I completely forgot that your new thread was opened here, and not in Newcomers....and lost track of you. I’m logging off now, catch up tomorrow. But for now:

HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY xx

kk1k5x

Thanks guys, I'm really thankful for all the good wishes

Today was a slow day. Felt like some sort of 'reset' day, where I just couldn't find an activity to focus on, so I did little bit of this and a little bit of that.
When my old classmate helped me out with my 'getting data' problem, it sort of dawned on my what I'm missing from my skill set. A comfort with programming, a familiarity with it and underlying math. And how I could use that to take my own research to a totally different (and super interesting!) level in the future by learning how to get particular data from the online environments. What I was unable to figure out in 36 hours regardless of there being some step-by-step guides available for slightly different problems, my friend managed in less than an hour and said 'writing the code was super easy'. This was so amazing to me, this ease with which he managed to accomplish it. Maybe for him (at least in the beginning, before I gave more background) it was just, you know, a task like any task, but for someone in the social sciences, getting that data is absolutely golden. My professor was super elated about it, because the amount of time my friend saved us both earned him a spot as an author for the new piece AND released me and the professor from trying to find someone with the skills and time to help us out. Neither I or the professor could have managed this task - the professor said that she unfortunately just doesn't have the time to learn these things and, for me, this would have been at least 3-6 months of learning before I could implement it. So, it was obvious we would have needed that third person, but that it happened as it happened was simply amazing. I'm super grateful to my friend for helping out, he gave me a magnificent bday gift with that piece of code and data .

I've decided to pursue data science myself now. For the most part I have the time and now I also have a very specific purpose to dust off my math and learn more, take what little I know of programming and build on that as well as learn anything else I might need. There is a great lack of data scientists anyways and since I'm in the social sciences, there's an ever bigger empty gap there (because we are, for the most part, 'softies'). Learning these skills might make me a better asset once I actually do graduate with a PhD, which is probably in two years time, minimum, because I'm not in any rush to be honest - there is just no point in unnecessarily delaying it either.

To be fair, I have wracked my brain about "So what's next?" when I'm finally done with the degree (at whichever time that actually occurs). Now I think I know! Data science has potential in terms of employment, but more importantly, I view it as something that can help me answer the questions that are burning a hole into my brain. I have a practical need for it. Just as I was lukewarm to law before I started translating - once a practical need emerged, I actually started paying attention. This last bit is of course an embarrassing admission, but that's what I was doing during my previous studies, fighting through hangovers just to merely pass the subjects and keep trekking towards the degree. I had no idea what I was going to do with the actual degree itself, because I hadn't even considered practising law (I know, this sounds quite stupid, but it's the truth - as an active drunk, I just tried to survive and 'do something that looked useful' as I was surviving).

This short trip to the UK has churned out more than one personal revelation for me and I am grateful that it has. Recently I've found myself being thankful for a growing number of things, events and people. I also find myself smiling more than I'm frowning. Maybe it's my brain, slowly healing, and .... a sense of humanity returning from whatever dark depths it was banished to by the bottle.

Also, today we booked a dinner reservation for two on Friday in Oxford. I will get my seared scallops after all! Those are a big favourite of mine.

End of Day 177. I did not drink today.

kk1k5x

Slower day today. Got a nice walk back from a nearby village where my friend dropped me off, because we wanted to cook schnitzels and needed a butcher's visit. 2.5miles in a nice brisk but sunny autumn day slowly walking between English villages. Amazing.

Also, my gift arrived today. I wanted to use quotation marks for gift, because my entire stay here and especially my birthday activities were gifts enough for a couple of people! The book is titled "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" by M. Manson. I waited until evening so that my friend could open the package so I just got around to reading it - I like it. And it's the weirdest thing because...well, I wanted to take my e-reader with me on the trip, but forgot. Before departing, I was looking at this exact book in the airport bookshop! I didn't buy it because of the price. Figured I'd just download some podcasts and I'll be fine. I never mentioned this book to my friend and she had already ordered it at the time anyways. Lucky strike I'd say.

Tomorrow I'll be visiting Oxford. Can't wait to see the restaurant in the evening (it has glass walls for parts of it and looked really cool from the pictures). And scallops, who can forget scallops. Not to mention I'll be dining with a great friend of mine.

I feel awkward at times reflecting on this trip. Especially on the contrast and how different my experience has been this time whilst visiting compared with last time. Last time was one screw-up after another. This time it's one positive experience after another. Whatever mishaps or awkwardness or tiny annoying things there have been simply fade into the positive. I honestly think my brain has begun to heal. Tough things don't seem so tough anymore and definitely not insurmountable like they used to. And positive things have a warmer, more sincere glow to them. I'm not depressed or 'in between' anymore. None of this would be possible for me without my sobriety. Which is why I am so grateful for everyone on SR who have helped me with their advice and support.

End of Day 178. I did not drink today.

saoutchik

Great post kk! Enjoy your visit to the City of Dreaming Spires as the Oxford Tourist Board like to call it.

kk1k5x

Hi Sao, the visit was interesting. It was bloody cold outside today, but the sights still had a spell to them. I kinda wish I could have seen more, but the tour didn't take us into places, rather it showed where one might go. Unfortunately, I had no time for separate exploration. Nevertheless, I still heard some cool stories and got some history bits.

The dinner was good. The place itself looked amazing. The glass walls-ceiling part of the restaurant had lighting which made the reflections in the ceiling look like a starry sky. My friend and I had fun, I warmed up with some coffee, she had a beer, because we got there a bit early. All in all a good day. Later on I wrote down my 'famous' schnitzel recipe (which is most always based on 'what's available' lol), because my friend decided to start collecting her friends' recipes into a special recipe binder. Mine was the first. It's so cool to see people eat something and close their eyes, because it's so good. A simple schnitzel will do that apparently!

It has been a really fun and fulfilling week. I cannot stress the contrast of it all enough compared to my last visit. It's been thoroughly positive this time around. Tomorrow I will pack my stuff, get some food and off we go to the airport in the afternoon. My hopes and worries are now also slowly turning back towards home business.

Still no work, although I have been in contact with the work guy quite often recently. There's still talk of the number of pages required being too high or topics not being suitable for me. A lot of talk about paths to self-improvement, but no work as of yet. I don't want to sound ungrateful, because the work guy never had to give me any work in the first place and never really had to give me feedback etc (although I know he also makes money off of my translations, so it's not as if we're dealing with full blown altruism here). I just wish there was work I could do right now, so I could keep evolving and learning. Just declaring that 'other, more experienced translators translate X number of pages a day' doesn't really help me move forward, because I can't get more experience without translating ...well, any number of pages a day, right? I'm not into making hasty decisions and I will still try and see where this goes, but the work has to be more steady in the future, so I will need to see what additions or improvements are required on my part. I just can't really do that in the abstract, I need actual tasks/texts. But if that doesn't work, I will need to start looking around for other options, because I also need to earn money to y'know ...live in this money based world of ours. Anyways, I'll get back on that starting Monday. New week, new winds, new things. Right now I'm tired and ready for bed after what turned out to be one of the greatest weeks of my year!

End of Day 179. I did not drink today.

saoutchik

Glad you had a good time kk. I expect you will be going out on a Saturday night but if not you can spend a few minutes taking a look at Spiral (BBC4 9pm till 11pm) its episodes 9 and 10 so it will be confusing but 10 minutes and you will be able to see how good it is (you can tell I'm a huge fan)

kk1k5x

Are you sure you're a fan, sao? Difficult to tell at times I missed it both Saturdays, plus I don't think my friend makes use of the tv license thingy. They just watch netflix or nowTV.

So, my lucky streak continued - the plane was early and I caught the bus no problem! Kind of tired from the day and the copious amounts of sitting, but it was a great trip.

Now I just need to get through this bus ride of 2+ hours and I'll be at grandma's place, ready for some sleep. And a bit of food. My friend made a really nice pizza from scratch before we left but that was already 8 hours ago.

End of Day 180. I did not drink today.

kk1k5x

Today has been a mixed day with both great positives and some real lows as well. Right now is the low, so that's mostly sponsoring today's post.

The positives were father's day with grandpa - I got him shortbread cookies in a nice tin box with the Union Jack decorations. He likes cookies, so that'll be his special treat. Also gave him the pretty coffee mug I got from Oxford castle. My mother came to the city as well, so we all had some salad and meatballs and cake as a big family. Later on I 'traded' some of my English bacon and spicy chorizo for two links of wild boar/moose sausage with my aunt's husband. International trade as it were. They also gave me and my mother a lift to our hometown. I left all of them a pack of shortbreads as well and my aunt got her fridge magnets from the Tower and Stonehenge.

It was nice to be back home, although the past couple of days, if I hadn't been so busy, I'd probably have felt quite lost. I am starting to get really upset about the lack of work. It is abnormal to earn 35 euros in three weeks and top it off with suggestions for professional self-improvement. I know the work guy means it well, but at times it just sounds like adding insult to injury, y'know? So that was my first downer.

The other thing tonight was starting with the application for the external PhD student status. First I started by following through on a promise I made to the prof - the committee would like to see at least two supervisors on my team of supervisors and the first choice for a secondary is the professor I briefly worked with in the US. Things there didn't end all that well. I was sober for the most part and did everything that was asked of me right up until the very end. I didn't start analysing the interviews I had conducted from the time the first one was completed, but started only after all of them were. With all the delays (professor away, professor sick and then also 10 days for the ethics committee), that left me about 3 days total to do 2 weeks work. Of course my analysis was superficial and weak, the professor got really pissed off because there were problems for months for getting her to sign off on me actually being there. Which she ultimately did, but usually no one mentions 'things the student didn't acheive durin the internship' - she did. Not sure if it was to secure something of her own (she might have had obligations to the faculty) or to single out my shortcomings. Both would be fine, because it was what it was. When my first article was published in the summer, I contacted her and everything seemed fine. Now, 3-4 months later I contacted her again tonight with 5 articles published or under review. So, I've obviously improved my ways. Didn't make writing the email any easier if I'm honest. Felt like some kid, cap in hand, 'please can I have some supervisor, dear mrs?'.

But for the sake of transparency, I also had to mention this to my current professor as a potential barrier. Once things start becoming 'real-er', the weight of reality hit me hard as well.

No work means no money, means I cannot support myself through the studies. I've put tons of energy into writing the articles and I am making good progress - but that won't bring anything back to my wallet and it's a big problem that weighs on me heavily. The need (or 'strong suggestion/preference by the committee') to find a second supervisor hashes up old crap, because my first stab at it had good visuals in terms of sups, but poor outcomes in terms of substance. Which means that I am resistant to asking someone solely for the sake of asking them, if I myself don't really feel like it. I have to trust my professor on these things, because she knows more and is probably aware of things I haven't got a clue about (but those things are important).

There it is. Reality and its weight. Very little work, and next to nothing in terms of money earned. Lots of energy put into research and progress made, but no financial gains can be expected from there. When I add the 'make things official' pressure into all of it, then this study and research part does get dragged forward from the shadow realm into the limelight and I have to start being physically there to stand my ground and stand up for my ideas. That's extra stress (and time!), right there, too. I can write however many manuscripts I want, it won't make me any extra money and, conversely, is time (well!) spent on something that takes time away from money earning activities, i.e. translation.

I never thought I'd be saying this, but I am relying on my sobriety to get me through this part. Time for bed is near and I know that as long as I stay on the sober path, there will be a new morning with (at least some) new energy to work with to overcome these obstacles. I have and will continue to safeguard my sobriety with everything I have - now I would greatly appreciate if my sobriety would safeguard me through this rough patch. Sometimes I think of my sobriety as some third person, a hero-like figure that already has saved many days and continues to have the potential of doing so moving forward.

Whatever else happens, whether it lifts me up or gets me down, sobriety is my top priority. I've learned to voice my concerns here on SR before things even show a hint of getting off the desired path in a serious way.

End of Day 181. I did not drink today.

Dee74

Yeah sobriety is still a main priority for me too - without it, everything else is lost.
Hope you find some more work (and money) soon

D

kk1k5x

Thanks, Dee
Got a reply from the US professor in the middle.of the night. She suggested we discuss my proposal further over a skype call in the near future. I'll take that as a sign of hope.

My host family in the US got their gift package today, they emailed me and said thanks. I hope it made them smile for a bit

Almost...got work today. It would have been a good chunk of change. But the client didn't respond with the confirmation. Maybe they'll do it tomorrow. I really hope they do, to be honest, because I really need to do some paid work right about now.

Other than that, the day was really grey here. We haven't seen the sun in a while. Also, I thought about playing some computer games tonight but I had actually freaking forgotten my desktop password. No online back-up, no alternative sign-in option. I spent approx three hours resetting the PC. Luckily there wasn't anything unique or irreplaceable on it, so it was just a waste of time and, of course, a lesson learned. I had used my laptop for everything in the past 2-3 months and I didn't even remember I had changed the PC's account password (was trying and failing with an old one). I'm really grateful I didn't end up losing something important, phew.

We'll see if tomorrow brings me some work. I sincerely hope it does.

End of Day 182. I did not drink today.

saoutchik

Fingers crossed for some paid work kk, money worries are no fun. I hope your call with your professor is worthwhile too. Good luck with both.

kk1k5x

That's true, sao, and thanks

The work thing from yesterday didn't pan out, because the client didn't contact the work guy again.
My sleep tonight was restless. I haven't had a really good night's sleep since I got back. It contrasts with my sleep in the UK, where it was firstly very regular (midnight to 7 am) and I felt rested when I woke up. Here it's been twists and turns, bathroom visits, reading SR in the middle of the night etc. Which means I dozed off in the afternoon. The grey and dark weather isn't helping, but it's also not the sole cause of it.

The stress about work is starting to ramp up. It's now the Tuesday of the fourth week without any. That's pretty much insane. I hope I get some work soon.

I'm not sure what, but tomorrow I'll do something useful. I will probably make a small list in the morning and then try to get those things done by the evening. Two more days to my cigarette quit date. I know the beginning is going to be really unpleasant, but it has to happen.

End of Day 183. I did not drink today.

Fusion

Hi Kk, I’m so sorry to read that the fee-paying work hasn’t materialised, yet. I hope you receive soon, you might even receive enough to compensate for the recent lack.

I’m truly glad to read that you’re made sobriety your top priority, that’s the sign of a winner! It’s interesting that somtimes you think of sobriety as a “hero like third person figure”. When I quit, I recall my self-talk, like an inner mentor, psyching myself up. “ You can do it, you are stronger than these cravings, you will succeed, you are resilient and will succeed and live a better life” and so on. I never recall saying “I” always “”You”. My own inner hero part speaking to my own vulnerable self part.

How lovely to read of the efforts you went to for your grandfather and your American host family. You should be proud of such kind acts.

Have you thought of any activities for tomorrow?

kk1k5x

Thanks Tatsy

I hope so, too. There was an offer about an hour ago, currently still no confirmation from the client. Those people, although I don't communicate with them directly, are starting to annoy me, because they tend to not say 'no' when the work guy's offer isn't suitable for them (for whatever reason).

Tomorrow, well, I should get on with my PhD application. I cannot seem to get out of this rut of waking up real early, twiddling my thumbs and then getting sleepy at noon. Today was the same as yesterday. Near-zero motivation. I feel that the weather is impacting me, but it's weird, because I have never felt it this strongly. The lack of sun seems to be physically bothering me at this point. Y'know, when there's even no point in drawing the curtains open, because it's as dark inside as it is outside, morning, day or evening.

However, I will keep on trucking. Compared with drinking, the difference in sobriety is that state of readiness when an opportunity comes. I didn't really appreciate that in the past, but I do now. I'm not hungover or incapacitated from the night before, so even when I'm feeling low (like now), I can move and act when called upon. Tomorrow will be my last day of smoking, so the day after that I know I will be antsy and restless. So, I will have to find a way to channel that restless energy. Lucky for me, I have lots of things to do that the 'Why is it so grey outside!??!' version of me cannot seem to get to.

As I don't expect the remaining day to bring any changes, I'll just call it right now.

End of Day 184. I did not drink today.

saoutchik

Well done on quitting smoking kk. The thing about that is you have a tough first few days, a tricky first few weeks then the occasional urge and after that it's done, no having to work at it or stuff like that. Also, now that your not drinking that removes one of the catalysts for smoking. Finally, because it is hard to smoke in public and a bit anti-social it is easier to avoid fellow smokers. Good luck.

kk1k5x

Yes, sao, tomorrow evening will be my last cigarette. The last and only time I've stopped smoking for more than a day was years ago. I got to 2-3 weeks, so I was exiting that trickier period when I bought a pack (for some random 'excuse level' reason - those are always available to addicts). I didn't have the tools to deal with those week 2 type cravings back then, I hope that I do now.

Happy to report I got a day's worth of work for tomorrow. And the conference call with the professor from the US is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. Anxious about that a little.

kk1k5x

Tired from work today. A bit too tired, but otherwise fine. I think the call with the professor went well, as she gave me an informal 'yes' with some follow-up needed. I like that we were able to hash out specific terms and conditions for her involvement. Mainly because what she suggested was almost exactly what I had had in mind for her potential roll. Now, I will see if the follow-up from my own prof here works out and then that should be complete as an endeavour.

Still have some cigarettes and some waking hours left. Tomorrow will be ...interesting to say the least. I am prepared to overwhelm my system with pizza and stuff if needed. It's weird, right, how in some cases the 'not doing' is or seems more difficult than doing something. I will take it minute by minute tomorrow if necessary. Sleep, if necessary. In short, do everything to weather the storm.

I also got an extra page of work today in addition to yesterday's order, so I managed around 6 pages today in total. That's quite alright. Hopefully there's more in the pipeline.

Once the cigarettes run out, I'm done for the day. I also have a mild headache, probably from smoking and the eye strain.

All in all it was a good day, I feel.

End of Day 185. I did not drink today.

kk1k5x

I only made it 18 hours without a cigarette. Granted, today has not been a good day. My mother is a smoker (smokes maybe 5 times less than I do) and when I found her pack, I just automatically walked to the balcony and lighted it up.
I'm flabbergasted about how difficult this is. It tasted awful and I now seem to have a headache again. But the pull was incredibly strong. Currently I'm a bit clueless as to how I should approach this or manage it.
Is there like a taper plan for cigarettes, too, or?