A Different Path Part 9
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
As per the homework assignment the original chaplain gave me, I have produced a journal entry.
I hope you do not mind if I share some of it. I have gotten some new input that has encouraged me.
"in November I have questioned my faithfulness to God. I do not doubt him or my surety in his care; but I fear that I’ve been dropping the ball. I don’t seem to care much about him these days--in fact, I barely think of him!
"My friends online have offered me pertinent insights. One asked me if I had ever stopped loving one of my kids when he had drifted away from me? I thought that was a point well taken.
"Another friend posted the familiar 'Footprints' prayer: namely, that in our times of greatest crisis, when we had observed only one set of footprints in the sand, it was that God was carrying us, not at all that he had deserted us.
"Today I got a spiritual feed from Richard Rohr, and he quoted a poem from 16th-century mystic John of the Cross:
“When you looked at me
Your eyes imprinted your grace in me;
For this you loved me ardently;
And thus my eyes deserved
To adore what they behold in you.
. . . And let us go forth to behold ourselves in your beauty.”
—John of the Cross
God gazed at us and conveyed his own grace to us through that gaze; thus, because he has given us to share in his grace, we are worthy to gaze upon him! “We love him because he first loved us.” When he sees us, he sees himself!
Rohr paraphrased the poem this way:
“You give a piece of yourself to the other.
You see a piece of yourself in the other (usually unconsciously).
This allows the other to do the same in return.
You do not need or demand anything back from them,
because you know that you are both participating
in a single, Bigger Gazing and Loving—
one that fully satisfies and creates an immense Inner Aliveness.
Simply to love is its own reward.”
God knows that I love him in the inner recesses of my soul, regardless of a temporary lack of response.
I have actively felt that kind of love before (even a couple months ago).
Even though I feel much like a loveless tree stump these days, I am not immune to the memory of feeling boundless love of that sort.
I think of the final couplet of my favorite sonnet of Shakespeare’s, Sonnet 29:
“For thy sweet love remembered such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.”
As my high school English teacher pointed out, the poet's love was no longer current: it was a past love--and yet it still brought deep joy and a sense of complete contentment, even in the face of current misery.
The inner aliveness of God’s love is an infinite thing: my temporary malaise (which will lift at my passing, if not sooner) is not enough to put a cork in it! ☺
And another thought occurred to me: this dying of cancer thing and moving to a different plane is like undergoing a serious surgical operation. The patient needs to be anesthetized to minimize the pain and potential flinching and thrashing.
Perhaps this emotional and spiritual deadness is an integral part of the process for me to progress to the next phase.
Another sobriety tool that I need to bring out of my toolbox: acceptance of what I cannot change. I have been frustrated largely because I haven’t had the wisdom to recognize those things. I've been doggedly trying to fix what can't be fixed.
It was God who provided the gratitude, and it is he who will resupply it--plus, when we call on him he never fails to supply us with the wisdom we need.
I hope you do not mind if I share some of it. I have gotten some new input that has encouraged me.
"in November I have questioned my faithfulness to God. I do not doubt him or my surety in his care; but I fear that I’ve been dropping the ball. I don’t seem to care much about him these days--in fact, I barely think of him!
"My friends online have offered me pertinent insights. One asked me if I had ever stopped loving one of my kids when he had drifted away from me? I thought that was a point well taken.
"Another friend posted the familiar 'Footprints' prayer: namely, that in our times of greatest crisis, when we had observed only one set of footprints in the sand, it was that God was carrying us, not at all that he had deserted us.
"Today I got a spiritual feed from Richard Rohr, and he quoted a poem from 16th-century mystic John of the Cross:
“When you looked at me
Your eyes imprinted your grace in me;
For this you loved me ardently;
And thus my eyes deserved
To adore what they behold in you.
. . . And let us go forth to behold ourselves in your beauty.”
—John of the Cross
God gazed at us and conveyed his own grace to us through that gaze; thus, because he has given us to share in his grace, we are worthy to gaze upon him! “We love him because he first loved us.” When he sees us, he sees himself!
Rohr paraphrased the poem this way:
“You give a piece of yourself to the other.
You see a piece of yourself in the other (usually unconsciously).
This allows the other to do the same in return.
You do not need or demand anything back from them,
because you know that you are both participating
in a single, Bigger Gazing and Loving—
one that fully satisfies and creates an immense Inner Aliveness.
Simply to love is its own reward.”
God knows that I love him in the inner recesses of my soul, regardless of a temporary lack of response.
I have actively felt that kind of love before (even a couple months ago).
Even though I feel much like a loveless tree stump these days, I am not immune to the memory of feeling boundless love of that sort.
I think of the final couplet of my favorite sonnet of Shakespeare’s, Sonnet 29:
“For thy sweet love remembered such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.”
As my high school English teacher pointed out, the poet's love was no longer current: it was a past love--and yet it still brought deep joy and a sense of complete contentment, even in the face of current misery.
The inner aliveness of God’s love is an infinite thing: my temporary malaise (which will lift at my passing, if not sooner) is not enough to put a cork in it! ☺
And another thought occurred to me: this dying of cancer thing and moving to a different plane is like undergoing a serious surgical operation. The patient needs to be anesthetized to minimize the pain and potential flinching and thrashing.
Perhaps this emotional and spiritual deadness is an integral part of the process for me to progress to the next phase.
Another sobriety tool that I need to bring out of my toolbox: acceptance of what I cannot change. I have been frustrated largely because I haven’t had the wisdom to recognize those things. I've been doggedly trying to fix what can't be fixed.
It was God who provided the gratitude, and it is he who will resupply it--plus, when we call on him he never fails to supply us with the wisdom we need.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,287
Kathy, your post shows one of the reasons we all love you so much. You have wonderful insight and caring. It’s ok for you to receive that caring during this challenging time. When you were feeling low and lost, I saw so many posts that gave you strength, understanding and love.. Your departing chaplain sounds like he has much wisdom and understanding. I am seeing how much it means to have loving friends and family in your corner.
Here’s my daily
Here’s my daily
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,534
Yey.....and yes, it should be them. Nick sent it Priority paid.....oh....I forgot to put a note in.....oops....so I am going to copy you.... 
And send you cards every couple of days...... Love you sweetheart. ♥♥
And send you cards every couple of days...... Love you sweetheart. ♥♥
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
I just caught sight of a newish signature from the SR member Soberwolf:
"Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion" ~ Rumi
Not that I'm turning into a pantheist, but I really love that statement in view of the John of the Cross and Richard Rohr writings this morning.
We are vehicles of God's grace, the grace that he himself has given us!
"Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion" ~ Rumi
Not that I'm turning into a pantheist, but I really love that statement in view of the John of the Cross and Richard Rohr writings this morning.
We are vehicles of God's grace, the grace that he himself has given us!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
About this apparent state of spiritual deadness and coming out on the other side, I am reminded of Kintsukuroi (thank you for sharing that with us so faithfully, Dee).
Kintsukuroi, as you recall, is "the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for haven been broken."
I am also reminded of John 12:24-25. Jesus is telling his disciples that it is his time to die, and his death would bear much greater fruit than his solitary earthly life could have done.
"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life."
I don't think Jesus was literally telling the disciples to hate life; but rather, to be willing to leave it behind at the prospect of something much greater in store.
Kintsukuroi, as you recall, is "the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for haven been broken."
I am also reminded of John 12:24-25. Jesus is telling his disciples that it is his time to die, and his death would bear much greater fruit than his solitary earthly life could have done.
"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life."
I don't think Jesus was literally telling the disciples to hate life; but rather, to be willing to leave it behind at the prospect of something much greater in store.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You inspire me with the way your mind processes all this, Kathy. I am glad you are finding comfort in so many places and so many ways...perhaps not in the truffle, but that wasn't even about the stinking truffle now was it.
Sometimes our problems need to be kicked to the curb, even if it takes a sharp moment or throwing a truffle. I have a dammit pillow that has been with me through a lot of rough times and still holds together, perhaps telling me that I can hold together too...or not...I can lean on the pillow to get me through. I think God is like that too, He doesn't mind when we get mad at Him or can't find anything to say to Him sometimes. He is there for us, always has been, always will be.
When my life was upside down when my husband and I were both going through cancer treatments, these are the words that calmed my sea. I wrote them on the front of the appointment book that I carried everywhere back in those days. More than once, it was what connected me to God and sanity and the ability to make it through each day.
Love you, Kathy, and hope today brings you peace.
Sometimes our problems need to be kicked to the curb, even if it takes a sharp moment or throwing a truffle. I have a dammit pillow that has been with me through a lot of rough times and still holds together, perhaps telling me that I can hold together too...or not...I can lean on the pillow to get me through. I think God is like that too, He doesn't mind when we get mad at Him or can't find anything to say to Him sometimes. He is there for us, always has been, always will be.
When my life was upside down when my husband and I were both going through cancer treatments, these are the words that calmed my sea. I wrote them on the front of the appointment book that I carried everywhere back in those days. More than once, it was what connected me to God and sanity and the ability to make it through each day.
Love you, Kathy, and hope today brings you peace.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 7,334
Dang, Kathy. I feel like I've been to church. Beautiful words. PHX got it right. Grace and dignity.
I was listening to Lauren Daigle Come Alive yesterday. These lyric made me think of you "So with the faith you've given us we step into the valley unafraid."
Have a beautiful day, Kathy.
I was listening to Lauren Daigle Come Alive yesterday. These lyric made me think of you "So with the faith you've given us we step into the valley unafraid."
Have a beautiful day, Kathy.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Thank you, Ann.
My little tantrum the other day wasn't about a truffle, it was about a box of non-letter-sized envelopes. I write whatever random newsy tidbits to my friend's young son, who has just been sent away (for good reason) to the State Pen. I do it every Monday. The jail will not accept cards, postcards, or smaller envelopes; they have to be either standard letter or standard legal size.
I did not get to send him his letter this Monday, and that grated on my fastidious and very impatient nerves.
I ordered some letter size from the supermarket yesterday--and they sent the small size instead!
The envelopes were the #1 thing in the order that I was anticipating--so when I saw the "impostors," I went nuclear!
As you surmise, I thing frustration at not getting the right envelopes is just a microcosm for much else of my way that I can't have anymore these days.
My little tantrum the other day wasn't about a truffle, it was about a box of non-letter-sized envelopes. I write whatever random newsy tidbits to my friend's young son, who has just been sent away (for good reason) to the State Pen. I do it every Monday. The jail will not accept cards, postcards, or smaller envelopes; they have to be either standard letter or standard legal size.
I did not get to send him his letter this Monday, and that grated on my fastidious and very impatient nerves.
I ordered some letter size from the supermarket yesterday--and they sent the small size instead!
The envelopes were the #1 thing in the order that I was anticipating--so when I saw the "impostors," I went nuclear!
As you surmise, I thing frustration at not getting the right envelopes is just a microcosm for much else of my way that I can't have anymore these days.
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