Chase01

Running out the door again. Happy to see several new posts and to hear from Scotty!

I will have a proper catch up later today or probably tomorrow.

Numblady

Hey guys!

Scotty, so good to see you pass through and thanks for letting us know what is going on with you. I don’t know if this is any consolation at all about the school trying to put you in that position but I am a complete dumb a&& when it comes to everything educational and special needs and the school STILL would ask me for ideas on what to do. From preschool through the present day. And I always think, “well if I knew what worked I would do it!”

Palmer, agree with you on some of the original members. Sending lots of love their way and always hoping they come back.

NC, we know you’ll catch up when you can! Same to you Chase! Understand y’all are busy and as Chase says the day gets away.

That’s how I feel. It’s almost ten o’clock and not much to show for it on my part! I feel like the whole world has been expressing disbelief that I’m not drinking lately. I even had a long conversation with a random guy at work where I basically just said I stopped because I loved it too much and was drinking too much every night and couldn’t moderate. He was grilling me on what I would do on our beach trip, which really struck a nerve, because I too wonder this. And I just told him I am going to go to the freaking candy shop and get ice cream and treats every single damn day. I’m feeling disconnected from some of my earlier feelings of resolve. But I’m just not going to drink. It’s that simple. Going to keep getting on here. I keep having stupid thoughts of it not having been so bad. Which is true. It wasn’t as bad as other people but it was on a terrible trajectory that goes only one way. I am not struggling with day to day urge to drink but feeling a little overwhelmed again by forever. Got to keep looking it as freedom not a punishment. It is so much more liberating to NOT be focused on where I’m going to get my booze and if there will be enough of it and why won’t other people drink like I do with me etc. etc. I just figured better to be honest about the feelings than to hide them.

Primary feeling at this moment is: ready for sleep! I get the bed to myself tonight and I’m super excited about that. My parents are gone. Things are back to “normal.” Such as that is.

Hugs!

Dee74

Good to hear from you guys

D

PalmerSage

Hi all! I had some crazy dreams last night, and woke up in a cold sweat. I don't think I drank in my dream, but there was a lot of interpersonal conflict and I remember thinking that maybe I should start drinking again...

Worst idea ever. I actually feel great, ever since I started eating healthier about a week ago (still not limiting my food intake or exercising, which might explain why I haven't lost weight) but my skin, hair and nails are looking better. I have more energy, and fewer mood swings, which is a welcome change. Most of the time, I feel calmer and more capable, and less likely to want to sleep the day away.

Numblady, when is the beach trip? I can completely understand where you're coming from, and the fact that you made it through your anniversary trip without drinking may encourage your AV to find an opening: "See? You're not as bad as other people, even your husband! You should be able to just drink on this one trip, and then come right back to SR and get back on track." The only problem with that is, it rarely happens that way, at least in my experience. You make it through the trip, and drinking adds to the enjoyment, returning like a long lost friend, but this time...you're moderating, just like a normal person! Until you get home, still moderating (kind of), until you're not, and then you try to quit only to string together a couple of days here and there. I've been there many times, so I'm not trying to be a downer, just telling your AV that I see her!

NewChapterJan18

Hi All,

Sorry for the silence on my part, it really has been a crazy few days. Though hectic, we had a really lovely weekend which included visiting both mine and my husband's parents and siblings, horse riding, attending a garden party for the first birthday of my best childhood friend's little girl, running a 10k for charity, attending a music festival - and all the while the sun shone and the weather was just beautiful. A really wonderful few days. THEN, as it is wont to do, the happy streak was brought to an abrupt end. I had an overnight volunteer shift on Monday night and got barely any sleep. Yesterday, I decided to skip yoga after work to go home and get an early night and chill out with some candles and a book and recuperate. I was just about to settle in for the evening when I decided to do one last scan of my emails to close off for the night. An email from a client about a potential mistake brought the anxiety and stress down like a tonne of bricks. Fast forward and I'm back at the office investigating and drafting a tactical responding until after 11pm. I am meticulous in my work and I feel like absolute sh1t that I could have f$cked up like this. I have resolved the major part of the issue, however it still requires some further investigation as to what exactly happened. I just feel as though I will never be on top of things in the bookkeeping work that I do for my husband and I am constantly anxious about it. I wish the world would just stop for a week or two so that I could catch up and start with a clean slate rather than trying to keep my head above water all the time. My husband is amazing and assured me that he understands these things happen, but I really could have jeopardised this client with the mistake I made, and we are in no position right now for losing clients. All I could do to try and calm myself this morning was to thank God I am not hungover and having to try and sort this mess with the compounded anxiety and fog of an alcohol come down.

So..yeah. I'm sorry my post today is a self-centred download, I promise to get back to everyone tomorrow. Right now I have to get back to keeping my head above water with work.

Sending hugs!

Chase01

Hi all. Later check-in today. I am home from work, which is when the business sets in. There are several great posts from everybody and I will catch up with everyone tomorrow. Right now I need to get my child in bed followed by myself.

Numblady

Hi Dee!

Palmer, girl you have got my number all right. That is EXACTLY what happened the first time I quit. I just need to not start—and then I don’t have to quit! This guy from work actually found me again today to talk about it. Like he was really grilling me on how I was going to enjoy the trip and everything’s better with booze, etc. I mostly just laughed and said I was going to eat tons of candy and that I was just drinking way too much. He offered me some bourbon if I relapse?!! It was actually meant as a friendly gesture I believe. And I think at some point the questions are more a reflection of what is in his mind than anything. I mean that sounds dumb since everyone’s questions are a reflection of what is going on in their mind. I just mean as opposed to really being about me.

New Chapter, don’t beat yourself up like that! It sounds like on top of everything else you are probably just really super tired and overwrought. You were doing the right thing with the candles and the relaxation. Hopefully you’ve done what you can do to address your part in it and you can move on to taking a little bit of a breath. I like your world goes on pause for two weeks plan! And that you are appreciating not being hungover in all of this. Think how much harder it would have been to work late to try and deal with it if you’d had a buzz on. Yikes!

Chase, sounds like a whirlwind for you! Get some rest.

Miss you BTLover (and others)!

NewChapterJan18

Hi Class!


@Dee: Hi There!


@Chase: Hope you got a good night's rest!

@Numblady: I think it's really interesting how invested your colleague has become in the subject of your sobriety and how you will manage on your beach trip. I may be totally off, but the fact that he sought you out for a follow up conversation, along with a few other details such as the intense grilling and offering you a bourbon 'if you relapse', appear to be telling signs that perhaps he is going through his own struggles with alcohol? I think you are absolutely correct in that this line of conversation has little to do with you and a whole lot more to do with why he is reacting in this way to a lifestyle change you have chosen, and why it is affecting him so much. It reminds me of how i used to react to non-drinkers - I would feel that they were judging me and thought they were holier than thou. Now i realise that I was clearly projecting my own feelings of guilt and shame at my drinking behaviours, and these negative cognitions were heightened around non drinkers as the comparison was so stark and undeniable. Perhaps a similar thought process is occurring for your colleague.

@Palmer: i'm so happy you're feeling well as a result of a shift to healthy eating. I need to follow suit as since I've decided to put a pin in the weight loss plan until my sobriety is a little more stable, I now find that my focus has rather shifted to just feeling better, and eating tonnes of sugar and bad food is simply not cutting it at the moment! I just feel bloated, lethargic and a bit cr@ppy all round - so I will be taking a leaf out of your book once I get to the grocery shopping tomorrow or Friday! As for your description of the AV's process and ultimate devolution that will result if we allow it to fool us into picking up that first drink, I couldn't have put it better myself and reading this was a great reinforcement to be on the lookout for any AV rumblings!

Hubby went out last night with a drinking buddy of ours and I point blank just said I didn't want to go and that I don't really want to socialise in those environments any more. Instead, I tidied the house then got into bed and watched a show I love. Talking to hubby this morning about how the night went reinforced that my decision was the right one!

Chase01

Hi friends. Great posts to catch up on.

Scotty, that is a tough spot to be in as far as being an expert in the field. It is probably like a doctor who would like to treat their own child, but knows better. I hope you are getting adequate support for your son. Keep going, you are so strong.

Newchapter, the fact you could address the issues at 11 at night speaks volumes. I bet that would not have been the case, several months ago, when you were drinking. It might not be obvious to you, but I bet the quality of your work has increased since you are sober. Keep doing what you are doing. If you follow through with your plan, to step back from some of the many self imposed obligations things like this will probably happen even less, and be handled even faster. Give yourself a break, in this case and in general, you deserve it. Also, great job saying no to going out with the husband and drinking buddies. I think that shows a real shift in thinking.

Palmer, your dreams could be stress manifesting itself. I know when I am in periods of great stress I tend to have disconcerting dreams. It is so nice to hear that you are feeling pretty good. That provides some much needed hope.

Numblady, I agree with everyone else, your coworker is probably dealing with his own issues. Maybe by being the shining light that you are you planted the seed that he can change. It is amazing what leading by example can accomplish. Don't be fooled by those false feelings of 'I wasn't that bad.' We have all been down that road. Even at a mere 23 days I have had those feelings. Just because we haven't ended up in jail or on the street doesn't mean we didn't reach our personal rock bottom. Your experiences, struggles, and desire to change brought you here. Don't be fooled by any other lies. Also, you did the right thing by getting that guy help, a few days ago. If it was a typical hot June day, in Texas, you very well may have saved his life.

As for me, I am stressed over the dumbest thing. I am fighting with the powers that be in the neighboring state over a toll road billing issue. It is so dumb and I absolutely need to let it go. I felt like I was wronged, and maybe I was, but it does not matter. This is a great example of that poverty of the soul. First, I am trying to argue with a government entity, which is stupid and pointless. Second, and more importantly, we are talking about a meager $40. I have to choose to look at it in the context that I used to drink that much in a single day or two. Just talking about it here makes me feel better. Sometimes we just need to feel like anybody is listening. Enough of the pity party from me, I am off for a run.

Great to hear from everybody. Thanks for posting and thank you Dee for dropping by.

Numblady

Hi everyone! Just blowing through and looking forward to a proper catch up. Had to cram for a speech tomorrow. ugh. Still not prepped and think it’s a pretty big audience. Oh well. Will do my best. And that is all I can do.

I’ll be back hopefully tomorrow. Later the weekend gets cuckoo again with a friend and her kids staying over Sunday night and hosting a small party that afternoon/evening which will involve some scrambling and prep I’m sure.

Talk soon. Sleep tight!

NewChapterJan18

Hi All,

@Chase: I know what you mean about letting things go. I’ve allowed myself to invest buckets of time, energy and emotions into similarly insignificant things that have invoked a disproportionately emotive response. It can be really difficult to rationalize and look past the feeling of having been wronged. Ultimately though, even though it sounds like you are in the right and have good reason to fight your case, I think you’re correct in your appraisal that it may be a losing battle and just one of those times that it is best to chalk it up to an irritating misfortune and save yourself any additional hassle. I feel you though!

@Numblady: How was your speech? I’m sure you rocked it! Hope you get some downtime before the madness of visitors and the party!

So I had a pretty great evening yesterday at my riding class and at my one on one lesson today. Then we got the news that our biggest client is leaving. This is one more blow in a series of client losses over the past year. Usually I would crumble with anxiety and panic about the future of the business, finances, etc. and let it completely consume me. I don’t know whether it’s the positive changes I’ve been making, or whether I’ve blown some sort of emotional fuse and reached capacity for anxiety - but I’m just not allowing it to get in on me this time. I discussed the situation rationally with my husband, and we decided not to tell the rest of the team until Monday (there’s nothing that can be done until then anyway and there was no point in ruining everyone’s weekend!). We analyzed the circumstances and the situation (with the details of which I won’t bore you all here!) and have agreed that the plan we have devised should address these concerns for clients in future and hopefully we can sign some business and plug losses of clients from here. I guess at the end of the day, it’s just life. There will always be curveballs, challenges and just sh1t to deal with - all we can do is appraise, work hard and try our best to move forward. Much like with sobriety. Not a damn thing we can do to change the past, except try our best to prevent it from being repeated.

Dee74

have a good weekend all

D

BTLover

Hey everyone,
Just a quick check in hope you are all doing well!
My apologies has been a while since my last post, life is good,very busy with work the past couple of months working 6 day weeks,leaving very little time to do much at all lol.
Have hit new territory with over 5 months AF free, I did a couple of stints of 4 months each the past few years but this time I am approaching it as a change in lifestyle as opposed to just taking a break from the bottle.
Since my goal originally was to break 4 months I am pushing the goal line to 1 year now. Anyone care to join me???
Hope you all have a great weekend will check back sooner than later next time!

Chase01

Hi everyone.

Newchapter, sorry to hear about the loss of your client. It sounds like you are dealing with it in the best possible way. In AA there is a lot of talk about how little we can actually control in our lives. I didn't want to believe it at first, but after some consideration, I can see how true it is. For example, if I have to get up very early for work I can go to bed early, but, I can't make myself fall to sleep. Even if I take a sleep aid, it might not help. Even if I do fall to sleep I can't keep my daughter from crying in the middle of the night or my dogs from barking at nothing. I can't keep the neighbors car alarm from going off in the middle of the night. What we can control is how we react to the situations we are presented with. Just like the serenity prayer says, you are changing what you can and accepting what you can't. That is a huge step in your sobriety and in leading a fulfilling life in general. On the positive side, it is wonderful that you are reconnecting with your love of riding. I hope it is providing immense joy.

Numblady, also hope the speech went well. And hoping you get some needed rest and downtime. Maybe even a nice bike ride.

Palmer, hope you are hanging in there. Looking forward to the next update.

Not much new with me. Had some nice time with the family. I formally decided to let the whole toll issue go. It is simply not worth my time or energy. I will spend that time and energy on my family or doing something nice for somebody else.

Off to bed. I will check-in tomorrow.

Numblady

Hi all . Well there was more I was going to catch up on but time has gotten away from me so I’ll just shoot off what I can remember!

BTLover, so nice to have you drop by! Of course I’ll join you in a year! And beyond I hope. So glad you are staying strong.

Palmer, apropos of almost nothing I can’t tell you how often I repeat in my head your bit about there are very few things that are truly necessary to do. It’s like I figured that out when I had a newborn and then I pretty much forget it again every day. I’ll start spinning myself around the axle of every bit of mess or disrepair or unpaid this or that. But at the end of the day the needs are minimal and if I can do anything beyond that it should ideally involve a little humanity. A little family. Anyhow thanks for reminding me/us of this truth!

NewChapter, I too am so sorry but it does sound like you are handling as well as you possibly can. I can’t imagine the stress of running your own business. I hope you can let it off your mind for a while this weekend.

Chase, thanks for the kind words about the speech. It went...okay. It was a weirdly mixed audience so i’m Pretty sure what we did was really kind of not ideally suited for anyone. And there were several kind of hostile questions at the end but then again I work in a very controversial agency and it was an audience of advocates so it’s not surprising they would have some strong opinions! It’s their job, really. Glad you’ve unburdened your soul of the toll mess. I do have to say as someone who works in a governmental entity there are some nice people who want to help. You can’t necessarily get those people on the phone of course, and some are mega bureaucrats on a power trip but there are some good people out there. At least I hope there are! Because I like to think I’m one of them . But I will say that if I didn’t have to work for money one of the things I would love to do would be to have a toll road class action. I’m not kidding! It bothers me so much that the roads are paid for then the contractors rake in not only the tolls but also usurious fines for people who commit the heinous sin of... driving on the dang road! Not to get you re-riled up as your issue may be different but for whatever the validation is worth, I have in my day gotten fairly worked up about toll road fines!

Off to bed and will get up for bike ride. Hope you all have a fabulous Saturday!

PalmerSage

Hi all! Finally taking a moment to check in amid all this moving chaos. I realized this morning that we have our stuff spread out among 4 residences, so our goal for today will be to try to take it down to 2. I'm definitely feeling exhausted, a bit overwhelmed because I prefer to be something of a minimalist and we have WAY too much stuff. We just moved less than 2 years ago, so I wasn't prepared to deal with this right now, and my husband and I take vastly different approaches to this kind of thing, which is tough.

I've had more frequent thoughts of drinking lately, just AV chatter, but I need to stay really mindful of the comedown of all this upheaval. One good thing to come out of all of this is having a break from work, helping me to realize that I'm really bored and frustrated and need to look something else (Chase, I will echo Numblady's claim that there are a LOT of government employees who do want to help, but I'm not sure they work in the toll road claims department!) You are wise to detach yourself and release this issue. Now, insurance contractors? They are worth fighting, trust me!


NewChapter, I'm so sorry about your client, but happy that you're processing it and handling it calmly and not allowing yourself to be completely wrapped around the axel. Your team will absolutely follow your lead and hopefully you can all learn from this and move on, as you said.

BTLover, yay! So great to hear from you! There is a BT a few doors down from where we are staying, he is so funny, alert, and cute! Let's all plan to stick together for a year and then plan from there.

Chase01

Hi all.

First, let me say that I was not trying to insult anyone, whether affiliated with any government department or not. My comments merely reflect that as an individual, no matter how sure I am that I am right, it is just plain stupid to take on a massive, faceless, bureaucratic government entity over $40. At some point I may happen across some kind soul who is willing to listen and help, but the amount of effort required simply does not justify the end result. This is a great situation in which to practice gratitude. I am grateful to have a job that requires me to drive on those roads because it provides my family with a nice lifestyle. I am grateful to have a car to drive. I am grateful that $40 just isn't a huge deal. On these forums, there are people who can't afford medications and needed treatment. That is perspective slapping me directly in the face.

Numblady, it is hard to present in front of such a mixed group. You can't please everyone all of the time, although sometimes it feels as though we can't please anyone any of the time. If you did your best and presented facts that is all you can do. It is unfortunate, but in this day and age we have such a strong aversion to facts.

A few days ago you asked me about AA. I am not currently in the program, but was in the past. While I didn't agree with everything, I did gain vast knowledge and wisdom. I also met many amazing people. If you are considering it, I highly recommend trying.

Palmer, good luck with the moving and consolidation. That is trying under the best of circumstances. Don't let that AV sneak in when all of the dust settles. That is a prime time for it to strike, once your guard is down and you can relax. Your comment about the firefighters or contractors finding hidden bottles is funny and true. In the last 12 years I have sold two houses and moved. Each time I found hidden empties. What a painful and ridiculous process it all was.

More to say, but I have to get going. I will check-in later, or more likely tomorrow.

PalmerSage

Haha, sorry Chase, I definitely didn't take offense to your comment about the government. I remember when I was being recruited to work in my current agency, and my now-boss suggested a job in a certain office. I thought, "no thanks, I don't want to shuffle around in a muumuu with a cigarette and cup of cold coffee all day, complaining about taxpayers"...LOL, that's what I thought it was! Kind of like that scene in Zootopia with the sloths, so funny.

Numblady

Chase what a great take on it—a reason to practice gratitutude. And I was not offended. Sometimes I just like to give my thoughts as a lady on the “inside”.

I am so hot and tired I could barely stand up in the shower. It was a very hard ride. I’m still glad I did it. But mostly glad it’s over and now I am laying in bed hoping to squeeze in a nap, beautiful nap.

Talk to y’all soon when I am hopefully more coherent. Oy.

Numblady

Well hello again! Not much to add. Just was meaning to get back all day and now it is after ten which also makes me incoherent. Tomorrow should be nutty though I’m still hoping to check in some. I hope everyone had/is having a super sober night! Talk to you soon.