SoberLeigh

Very well done, dear Angie!!!

Angie247

Thank you everyone!! So I went to a meeting on Thursday and my old sponsor was there. She saw me and sat next to me, and she did her usual of trying to talk to me as others were sharing during the meeting. I did my best to ignore her and she started to talk to the person on her other side. People started to look back at us and I was embarrassed. I don’t know what to do about her.

I had a very realistic feeling drinking dream a couple nights ago. In it, I was drinking my usual drink and became alarmed and confused that I was drinking but I looked and saw that I had more. Then had a seriously bad Friday at work and thoughts of drinking came up but I ignored them. Feeling better today. Going to the pool with Alex in a bit. It’s sunny and will be around 80 today.

venuscat

Oh my gosh 80.....it is insanely cold here still and covered in snow.

I know those dreams are disconcerting, but we didn't actually do anything wrong....it can be hard to shake that feeling....I like to look at them as blessings. I get to feel that awful desperate greedy Suze take over, and then wake up...I am not that person anymore. Neither are you love.

I am getting annoyed with this woman Ang.....she is harassing you now.
If I was you, next time she sits next to you at a meeting, move.....and say I really need to be quiet and concentrate on listening to the meeting. Other people will support you if she says anything.

Have fun today love. Huge hugs for Alex. ♥

SoberLeigh

Those dreams still occur for me, Angie, but far, far, far less often than in the beginning.

You are doing brilliantly.

Angie247

Thank you venuscat and soberleigh. . I’m doing ok. Day 323, I believe, Pretty cool, I’m having a good bit of stress still with work and dealing with a difficult ex husband but I don’t have to drink over it, Thoughts of drinking come up but they go pretty quickly too, I’m capable, I can handle things and this is something I need to constantly remind myself because the old self esteem still needs some work, Alex needs me sober and he needs the best mom I can be. My parents are elderly but in good health and they don’t need the stress of worrying about me drinking. Alex and I will be with them in June for almost three weeks! Soooooo excited!!! :-D. We get to be there for my moms birthday, give her presents to her in person and make her a birthday cake. I asked my mom what kind she wants, and she wants me to make the pound cake with shortening that I made a lot as a teen. When we come back is when we will look into getting us a new kitten or cat. I talked to Alex about adopting one from the shelter but the little guy has his heart set on a kitten. We will see. I guess I had better go to bed, 5am comes quickly but grateful for a job to go to. :-).

venuscat

That's wonderful love....all of it.
I remember this time last year....when going to your parents was a bit different...it's nice to go home and feel proud huh?

And I understand....I want a kitten too. But you can go through the adopt a pet webiste(s) and find a kitten in a near-by shelter. You can set up an alert....it works....I just can't have a cat here. One more year and we will move...

Sending so much love. ♥♥

Angie247

Thank you venuscat. I just got back from a meeting. My ex sponsor came late, sat in front row and never saw me so that was good. I left in ok spirits but honestly I’m craving alcohol a little but I’m very depressed. Had to have a cry which helped a little. I’m so tired of the fight with depression and the loneliness. Didn’t sleep but about an hour last night so I’m sure that is contributing. I’ll feel better tomorrow maybe. I won’t drink.

SoberLeigh

What a beautiful post, Angie - such music to my ears!

I am so happy that you are doing so well and have such lovely family-time coming up!

SoberLeigh

(((((((Angie)))))

Stay strong, dear one. This time will pass.

I know that you are very busy but I am wondering if you could do some volunteering now and then. It could help with both the loneliness and the depression.

Remember there is always someone here who cares!

Dee74

Angie I'm sorry you're depressed.

I think doing some things when you're home alone might help - even if its going to the movies or some gardening, taking a walk - whatever.

Volunteering was great for me too

D

stargazer016

Glad to hear that you are doing well with things Angie. You seem to be able to use tools from your sober toolbox readily now to get through the drinking thoughts when they pop up.

Please consider talking to a doctor about your depression. I self medicated for decades to escape depression before seeing a doctor to help find a solution. I find it easier to stay sober when I don't have a constant black cloud hanging over my head.

Have a great weekend Angie!

venuscat

I could not be ok with just an hour's sleep love....it would knock me about terribly. Please take care of yourself honey...naps if you can.

And I know you have been so busy with work, but soon you will have a little fluff running around making sure you have lots of smiles....they are so precious.

Hang in there. You are not alone. ♥♥♥

Angie247

Thank you all. Volunteering is something that I’ve thought of but I’m working 12 hour days right now and I’m always mentally and physically exhausted. It takes everything I have to concentrate at work and I’d be afraid of doing something wrong. Maybe I’ll make an appt to get my meds looked at, I’m crying everyday and not sure how to make things better. I’ve been at this job for 10 years and it might be time to look at something else. It’s just that I have this vacation coming up in July and I’m trying to hold on until then plus I can’t take a pay decrease because it takes all my money to pay bills when not working overtime. I’m saving as much as I can now that I’m getting more money. All I can do is my best and stay away from alcohol, My year of sobriety will be here on May 31. It just gets hard to think honestly. It’s almost like a hangover feeling because my brain feels so cloudy all the time.

Angie247

I’m at a movie, I feel pretty, it’s a comedy, just what I need. . Had to get out of the house.

Angie247

That was a great movie that I found empowering. Despite what some reviews say, it was exactly what I needed to see today. Going to an open speaker meeting at AA now.

Angie247

So I saw my ex sponsor. I ran into her as she was walking into the hall. She told me that it was about time then the person next to her said that she had seen me on Friday night. My ex sponsor looked a little irritated at this and asked why didn’t I go and sit next to her. I responded that I was already there and not many seats available. Then she said that was no excuse. She talked to me during a lot of the speaker meeting and I finally said “I really want to hear this.” She stopped but elbowed me when the guy speaking said about doing pretty much whatever his sponsor said. I left before they said the prayer out and I doubt that I’ll be back. Why go when I can’t get rid of an annoying person? I’m just irritated.

Dee74

are there other meetings you can go to Angie?

D

Angie247

Dee, I think there’s some 25 miles away. She goes to all the ones in town here. I couldn’t get to a meeting after work to one that she doesn’t go to. I think I’m going to have to gently and politely as possible tell her that I need some space. I hate to have one pushy person ruin AA for me. She’s been sober since I was in diapers, so I’m just surprised that she is like this.

Dee74

I agree that presenting some firm boundaries is the best response Angie

D

venuscat

Think of all of the step work you've done....an irritating person getting in the way of your recovery? Taking up space in your head? Pffft. She is not worth it.

You are doing well. Keep going. Maybe you will make a new friend at your meeting.....

There is so much good in your life now because you worked really hard for it.
That's what matters.