Steely

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ce0MYkehfz0

I am really comfortable with my decision and thank you all.

Steely

I should have said YOU can do this! We all can.

Plenny

The doctor's visit was actually pleasantly uneventful. However they did tell me that I had to lose some weight. Look, I'm not actively prioritizing weight loss right now. Meaning, I'm not upping the ante on things I'm doing at the moment. I eat very healthy, except for the twice weekly indulgence. I eat so many fruits, vegetables, and whole grain fibers that I refuse to feel bad about having fried chicken or a sausage or some dairy once a week. I don't eat bad food. Just sometimes very rich food prepared by very talented chefs. I commute by bicycle to work, about 7 miles per day. I do a yoga/core workout about three times per week. I work in the service industry and move on my feet allllll day. I make sure to get enough sleep and Hey guess what, I also don't drink! Except for my slip=ups in the past. I told my doctor that I'm not going to add anything to my life that costs me money, strains my body (running really hurts me), or stresses me out. Stress is the killer!
I'd love to be smaller, but really, with my habits as they are, is it healthier for me to be happy and accept my weight as it is, or push myself and count calories and overanalyze and pick at myself. I have tried the latter, and, talk about triggers!
I can only hope that my diet and exercise as is works out to my benefit.

Ananda

I think what you decided makes perfect sense! It seems to me that taking on too many challenges at a tme can mae it hard to succeed at any of them.

I forgot that my appointment with the memory doctor is Monday and I need to do paper work for it! Isn't that ironic!

Right now I'm having trouble finding anything that seems interesting to do. But I am guessing that if I finish the work I have to do I will be more interested in doing something fun.... guilt can really put a damper on "fun"!

Dee74

Hi Plenny - I agree that sometimes Drs can focus too much on the BMI index.

If you're happy with your lifestyle (and I see no reason not to be)and you're free of any serious health concerns, that sounds good to me

D

Ananda

Hi!

I don't like Halloween all that much in F2F, but I like it on SR ....

I'm trying on some costumes...

vampire hedgie.jpg

Plenny

I love that vampire hedgehog. Ha!

Well, R has relapsed again. We had a rift a couple of weeks ago during the upset and my bad time. We have been trying to rebuild and reconnect. He received some stressful news (hypothetical news! News for the worry tree!) and used it as an excuse to drink. I'm not mad at him. I am worried of course. However, this time, I am choosing to absorb less worry and continue focusing on me. He's making choices. I don't agree with them. I love him still but I am not going to have an attack because he is hurting himself right now. So, I'm trying to distract myself and not obsessively think about him or if he is ok. Thinking about going back to AlAnon. But I really don't want to work a program!

Anyway. Work has been very up and down. I still am grateful for the position I have. I still feel safe there. I still (barely) pay my bills. I could use just a little windfall. Just a breezefall. I need a small stimulus. I'm grasping at air thinking of where to get this resource but if I am never allowed to get on my feet I will never be able to grow. It took me 36 years to see things clearly. I just need to catch a break. I consider this job a break and like I said I am grateful. But, I'm ready to see some progress.

Thanks for saying that about the doctor, Dee. It seems like whenever I'm in the office, the words of the doctor hit hard. That voice they use! If they only knew my life. I have always been heavier than I look. My muscle mass and bone density are something to be marveled. Ok ok I am not a bodybuilder I'm like regular, 1950's Superman, not jacked up modern day Superman. I am stronger than I look. But yes, heavy. I am doing all the right things while not denying myself some pleasures. To top it off they were trying to give me, Miss Butternut Squash USA, pointers on cooking vegetables. I was gracious and did not put on pretense but rather weathered the storm of elementary vegetable cookery advice..... arg let's just say it was tough but I tried to remain polite.

I'll be fine. Dang I am tired.

Plenny

For the record, I am feeling very grateful to myself for investing in this year living alone in this little apartment. I never thought I'd have the chance to do this again. It was one of my biggest regrets, leaving my first cute little apartment when I was just 20 years old. It was the only time I ever lived alone. I let a boy move himself in and then move me out with him. Then I was a serial monogamist for the next 13 years. Two marriages. This time I have set boundaries and allowed myself a cell in which to thrive.

I have always loved privacy and solitude and fantasized about living a solitary studious existence. If I were a religious person I absolutely would have moved to a convent and probably flourished. I think I would have liked one of those convents where they make the excellent cheese. France I think...

Poppy79

Hey nobenders. Been awhile and I am sorry to say that I fell off and whilst haven't done stupid things, I am being proactive and going back into inpatient starting next week.
Steely, I wanted to shout out to you that your PM was beautiful, thank you for doing that. I tried to reply but a message popped up saying your profile didn't allow replies? I was on my phone though so that may have had something to do with it.
I have avoided this thread given my dismay, anger, resentment at a post being removed. I couldn't grasp why I couldn't be totally open on this particular thread but I do understand why Dee removed my post. No grudges.
Kenton, I think of you a lot because we started this journey at the same time, had so much in common and I have sort of failed, but you, dear lady, haven't and I am so very proud.
LSW how do I join your private Facebook page? Let me know?
It's weird, I should be coming up to a year but alas I am not. Doesn't mean I haven't learnt a thing or two. My mindset is different this time. I'm doing inpatient because I have to remove myself completely from my 'world' which sucks but I'm looking forward to focusing just on me.
I hope everyone is doing well. Haven't caught up at all and I'm sorry for that. I don't want to join another class. This is my home here. I truly hope you all let me back in.
Love xoxo

Dee74

I'm glad you're going back to inpatient - best wishes Poppy.

D

Plenny

Of course Poppy. Great to hear you are being proactive. And good to see you

R's mother called me this morning. No voicemail, but I'm nervous wondering if he called her drunk or something and if she's worried. I am the only person here in this city who is actively invested in his true wellbeing. Sure there are lots of friends. But they would never stop enabling because they don't truly know him.

Halloween is coming. Hopefully I'll have so much work to do that I am distracted.... On the other hand, maybe I'll be in the spirit, I have been feeling stronger lately

badgerden

hello all, venturing back. I also had some miss steps, so have been posting heavily in the Oct & Sept 2017 groups, along with the 24 hr thread. I dislike posting in multiple places as I feel I am repeating myself, plus I am weaning myself away from sitting in front of the computor & tv.

Love Halloween, its no longer the same as my youth, but good times non the less.

My life is going well, concentrating on getting a solid routine of mental and physical health going. Putting myself first and not feeling guilty about it, easier said than done I can tell you.

That being said (typed) off to get some baking done.

Badge

Poppy79

Ok WOW, just read through a few pages from last thread and caught up on this one.... common theme possibly is that we are all extremely emotional beings who used alcohol to numb the emotion.
I feel somewhat responsible for people leaving the Nobenders, don't go Steely or Kenton Dee, I'm sorry to have forced you to remove my post. When I am filled with frustration and anger I can have a viper tongue and my words/thoughts can be very harsh. I hope that you do regularly stay in touch with us Nobenders. You are absolutely amazing and your words of wisdom resonate with 10000's, me included.
seems a lot of us are struggling right now, no surprise really given the state of the world and our battles with 'coping' with these issues, let alone our personal issues thrown in as well.
For those coming up to the 1 year mark, massive props to you for those who have slipped (like myself), let's never quit trying to quit. Sheesh, I am going into a psych hospital next week and actually looking forward to having the chance to focus solely on myself. It's all about me! And I'm worth it. As everyone on here is too.
LETS BRING THIS THREAD BACK TO LIFE PLEASE

Poppy79

Hey badge, great to see you back bake me some goodies please xx

Poppy79

Greetings Plenny, it's good to be back. I just hope we haven't lost Steely or Kenton. But I do understand the need to take a time out. I had to recently.
Have you called his mum back yet?

Dee74

Thanks Poppy.

I'd really like for us all to move on now and, as you say, get the thread up and running and back up again.

No ones banned, every ones welcome....but I respect anyone's right to not participate right now too.

D

kenton

Good to hear from you Poppy! I'm still here but just checking in once a day or so now on the 24 hour thread. I just wanted to wish you all the best for next week. You sound really positive and strong... I'm sure inpatient will be fantastic for you. Good luck Poppy, I'll be thinking of you xxx

kevlarsjal

Hello nobenders.

I'm in a really dark place. I had my one year on the 20th of October. But I feel worse than ever.

My BF is starting to give up on me. He doesn't want to deal with me anymore. I've tried my very best but it's not enough for him. He says I'm a lovely human being and a great person and he knows I'm not doing whatever I do to be horrible. But I am sick and I often have my character defects showing when my fears, pain or my infantile ego takes over.

I realised how much of this I only did for him, for our future together.

I still don't like being alive. I wish I was a rock. Or I could dissolve into the wind, just disappear, be washed away by the waves.

I felt unwanted as a child. I knew my parents loved me and wanted me to live and to be happy but they didn't wanna deal with me. Not with my pain. Not with my unhappiness. Not with me being complicated.

I kept on living just because I thought I owed them.

When I met my BF and he told me he'd always be there, help me through recovery, I felt like finally someone really wants me. Someone who's not scared off by my problems immediately. Someone to trust. And now it's the same old song. He loves me but he's tired of me always having problems, of me being a physically and mentally sick, traumatised person. He doesn't have the patience.

Now I'm back to square one where I know I should start to like myself and like life. But it seems impossible. If no one wants to/can deal with me, why am I even here?

Dee74

Hi Kev
congrats on your one year

I think when we rely on another person for happiness or to somehow complete us we can find ourselves in for a bumpy ride.

I'm not criticising you at all - I was like that for many years...I didn't like myself at all and noone, no matter how wonderful they were, could change that.

I needed to reach deep down inside myself and look at the reasons why I was fundamentally unhappy.

Do you still see a therapist? This might be a good thing to discuss with them?

D

kenton

Hi Kev,

HUGE congratulations on one year!! You brushed over that in your post but please don't downplay it's significance. One year is an incredible and emotional time. Please take the time to feel proud.

I'm learning that looking for my happiness in other people is like standing at an airport waiting for a train. I'm looking in the wrong place. I have to build happiness inside myself, by myself and for myself if I want the happiness to take root and grow. And realising that has been extremely liberating because I realise I don't have to live my life dependent on other peoples' moods, issues whatever. If I'm not feeling happy, I need to look inside myself and make whatever changes are needed to make me happy. This doesn't mean I'm living in a vacuum oblivious to everyone else's needs and opinions. Not at all. But I no longer look for other people to make me happy or blame them when I'm not happy.

I think since I started taking sole responsibility for my happiness, other people have wanted to hang out with me much more. People like happy people... happiness breeds happiness ... and realising my happiness is always within my control has probably been the most important thing I've learnt this year.

If you can see a therapist or someone to start working on how you view yourself Kev, I think you'll start to realise that how your boyfriend views you or how your parents viewed you as a child.... none of that matters anymore.

You've just done something amazing. One year sober is phenomenal. You are a loving, caring and thoughtful person. Don't let other people's opinions (and that's all they are, they're not facts) don't let other people's opinions bring you down and negatively affect how you feel and think.

And once again, MASSIVE congratulations on one year. I'm so proud of you xxxxx