Class of March 2016 part 53
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,685
Originally Posted by PhoenixJ 
I have a request of all who cares to comment... this works on the assumption you all have 'been here' for the last half of my life changing events, thoughts/feelings/actions.
I have created a version of CBT strategy...in that I play the tape forward.
I am very good at hating myself. When running through a conversation with myself- I role play the other person in a conversation as hating me. Playing the tape..I then work on what are the best responses to make, being the one who is hated...showing compassion, objectivity and realism. With this I change- and feel a little more at peace with me.
Hope for the best- assume the worse. It works we.., except for one question...which haunts me.
If at some point my sons decide to meet with me- and their attitude is one of people who only know me from memory, how would I respond?
So if I begin with how well I am doing and the reasons why, without going into 'evidence' and their reactions are basically saying they are angry, mistrustful and hurt..that this meeting is all about them. Yes I do know I cannot change them that mere evidence probably will not work. That mindshift is hard and perhaps the meeting is to alleviate guilt, see to e doing so as o rationalise 'well at least I tried'.
BUT also the fact there IS a meeting...kinda like a person shouting very loudly they refuse to go to AA meetings, 'cos it is all god crap- and go toa meeting to say this. Mixed messages?
I have created a version of CBT strategy...in that I play the tape forward.
I am very good at hating myself. When running through a conversation with myself- I role play the other person in a conversation as hating me. Playing the tape..I then work on what are the best responses to make, being the one who is hated...showing compassion, objectivity and realism. With this I change- and feel a little more at peace with me.
Hope for the best- assume the worse. It works we.., except for one question...which haunts me.
If at some point my sons decide to meet with me- and their attitude is one of people who only know me from memory, how would I respond?
So if I begin with how well I am doing and the reasons why, without going into 'evidence' and their reactions are basically saying they are angry, mistrustful and hurt..that this meeting is all about them. Yes I do know I cannot change them that mere evidence probably will not work. That mindshift is hard and perhaps the meeting is to alleviate guilt, see to e doing so as o rationalise 'well at least I tried'.
BUT also the fact there IS a meeting...kinda like a person shouting very loudly they refuse to go to AA meetings, 'cos it is all god crap- and go toa meeting to say this. Mixed messages?
I worry that if/when I see them, they'll fault me for not being there. It wasn't my choice and it remains not my choice. If I do have the opportunity to see them again, I would go in with the concern they might hate me. I would also go in with the hope that they might still love me. Maybe some random middle ground. Basically just an open mind to let the chips fall where they may.
If they hated me, I'd be at a significant loss, but I'm not there yet. I'd just like to see them.
I guess I'm saying I see similarities and have similar fears. Sorry for the rambling.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 3,197
Thirteenth - I'm not going to tell you not to apologize. What I am going to tell you is that I would rather you post three pages all about yourself than to not hear from you. This journey sucks. But it's better with company. Hugs.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Thank you, dear Sam. I'm with you just don't like to be the focus or even potentially take away from the needs of another. Being a loner creates some major quirks.
And I must have some Canadian (Happy Canada Day!) as I apologize a lot here.
Adding that come to think of it, I truly do, as far as I know. Great grandparents or further back settled in Nova Scotia, I think, before heading to the United States.
And I must have some Canadian (Happy Canada Day!) as I apologize a lot here.
Adding that come to think of it, I truly do, as far as I know. Great grandparents or further back settled in Nova Scotia, I think, before heading to the United States.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 3,197
Originally Posted by PhoenixJ
I have a request of all who cares to comment... this works on the assumption you all have 'been here' for the last half of my life changing events, thoughts/feelings/actions.
I have created a version of CBT strategy...in that I play the tape forward.
I am very good at hating myself. When running through a conversation with myself- I role play the other person in a conversation as hating me. Playing the tape..I then work on what are the best responses to make, being the one who is hated...showing compassion, objectivity and realism. With this I change- and feel a little more at peace with me.
Hope for the best- assume the worse. It works we.., except for one question...which haunts me.
If at some point my sons decide to meet with me- and their attitude is one of people who only know me from memory, how would I respond?
So if I begin with how well I am doing and the reasons why, without going into 'evidence' and their reactions are basically saying they are angry, mistrustful and hurt..that this meeting is all about them. Yes I do know I cannot change them that mere evidence probably will not work. That mindshift is hard and perhaps the meeting is to alleviate guilt, see to e doing so as o rationalise 'well at least I tried'.
BUT also the fact there IS a meeting...kinda like a person shouting very loudly they refuse to go to AA meetings, 'cos it is all god crap- and go toa meeting to say this. Mixed messages?
I have created a version of CBT strategy...in that I play the tape forward.
I am very good at hating myself. When running through a conversation with myself- I role play the other person in a conversation as hating me. Playing the tape..I then work on what are the best responses to make, being the one who is hated...showing compassion, objectivity and realism. With this I change- and feel a little more at peace with me.
Hope for the best- assume the worse. It works we.., except for one question...which haunts me.
If at some point my sons decide to meet with me- and their attitude is one of people who only know me from memory, how would I respond?
So if I begin with how well I am doing and the reasons why, without going into 'evidence' and their reactions are basically saying they are angry, mistrustful and hurt..that this meeting is all about them. Yes I do know I cannot change them that mere evidence probably will not work. That mindshift is hard and perhaps the meeting is to alleviate guilt, see to e doing so as o rationalise 'well at least I tried'.
BUT also the fact there IS a meeting...kinda like a person shouting very loudly they refuse to go to AA meetings, 'cos it is all god crap- and go toa meeting to say this. Mixed messages?
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Ontario, Canada
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Originally Posted by Thirteenth
Thank you, dear Sam. I'm with you just don't like to be the focus or even potentially take away from the needs of another. Being a loner creates some major quirks.
And I must have some Canadian (Happy Canada Day!) as I apologize a lot here.
And I must have some Canadian (Happy Canada Day!) as I apologize a lot here.
And if I could add...being a loner is often the effects of the alcohol...cutting ourselves off, hiding....you know what I mean. I don't like people as much as anyone but sometimes I force myself to be around them and shockingly it helps (in short bursts)
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Added a bit above Sam to say I may actually be somewhat Canadian, literally.
As for the lonerism, no doubt. It's gotten worse the older I've gotten. Always was a non-fan of the other humans, but drinking put me into hibernation. Interacting with the other humans on a daily basis isn't a problem for me but I'm still a do it myself, be by myself type. Accepting help, much less asking for it is a monumental undertaking for me, but I am working on it. Hey, it only took me ten years to come back to SR and be at least sometimes engaged...
As for the lonerism, no doubt. It's gotten worse the older I've gotten. Always was a non-fan of the other humans, but drinking put me into hibernation. Interacting with the other humans on a daily basis isn't a problem for me but I'm still a do it myself, be by myself type. Accepting help, much less asking for it is a monumental undertaking for me, but I am working on it. Hey, it only took me ten years to come back to SR and be at least sometimes engaged...
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Location: US
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Originally Posted by samantha14
PJ - I think Bobbie had posted soemthing before that said something to the effect of "the best apology is changed behaviour" An initial meeting with your sons, from their perspective, would be wholly on memory. That's all they know of you. But in time they would see that you are a new and changed man. In terms of feelings about the meeting...I think that's very individual to the person. How you would react and how they would react. I don't think you can guess or hypothesize. You have made so many brave steps in your journey...this would be difficult but not impossible. After all you are the Phoenix. Love you.
Yes, you are the Phoenix. The blue whale who knows things. And you have a beard.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,190
Originally Posted by Thirteenth
Added a bit above Sam to say I may actually be somewhat Canadian, literally.
As for the lonerism, no doubt. It's gotten worse the older I've gotten. Always was a non-fan of the other humans, but drinking put me into hibernation. Interacting with the other humans on a daily basis isn't a problem for me but I'm still a do it myself, be by myself type. Accepting help, much less asking for it is a monumental undertaking for me, but I am working on it. Hey, it only took me ten years to come back to SR and be at least sometimes engaged...
As for the lonerism, no doubt. It's gotten worse the older I've gotten. Always was a non-fan of the other humans, but drinking put me into hibernation. Interacting with the other humans on a daily basis isn't a problem for me but I'm still a do it myself, be by myself type. Accepting help, much less asking for it is a monumental undertaking for me, but I am working on it. Hey, it only took me ten years to come back to SR and be at least sometimes engaged...
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I hope everyone has a good weekend 
Good to see you posting 13th - you too PJ.
I don't know the answer to your question. The thing with what ifs is they're often not the same when they happen, to how we think they might go.
I hope that if your sons meet you, they'll come to acknowledge the man you are now over the man you were then. That may take a little time.
The main thing I think, is regardless of what happens or what others might think, you are one hell of a survivor and a special human being.
D
Good to see you posting 13th - you too PJ.
I don't know the answer to your question. The thing with what ifs is they're often not the same when they happen, to how we think they might go.
I hope that if your sons meet you, they'll come to acknowledge the man you are now over the man you were then. That may take a little time.
The main thing I think, is regardless of what happens or what others might think, you are one hell of a survivor and a special human being.
D
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Location: US
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Good Sunday morning/Sunday night, my friends.....I have my normal Sunday morning work shift, then I think I'm off tomorrow from both jobs.....
Drum circle is on the beach at sunset, which I haven't been to in quite some time. Maybe I should get though the day first and see what happens.
Glad to be here with you all!
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Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 3,197
Morning!
Well I am up, showered, had a cuppa startin' fluid and have taken Charlie for a walk. I also have a huge case of the "I don't wanna's" and the "why can't I be independently wealthy's?" Both valid statements.
Purplrks - drum circle sounds pretty amazing....but you're right - make it through the day first...you just never know. Good luck at work.
Well I am off to refill my cup and maybe get a short run in.
Happy Sunday Funday!!
Well I am up, showered, had a cuppa startin' fluid and have taken Charlie for a walk. I also have a huge case of the "I don't wanna's" and the "why can't I be independently wealthy's?" Both valid statements.
Purplrks - drum circle sounds pretty amazing....but you're right - make it through the day first...you just never know. Good luck at work.
Well I am off to refill my cup and maybe get a short run in.
Happy Sunday Funday!!
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,671
2000 here, a very productive day- 'making house', by purchasing all those things people get - in irony when they get married or get divorced. I sometimes think I do not do well with this stuff. This will be my 7th move in 2 years. My scars are giving me grief- the plastic skin tightens up a lot in the cold.. Images continue to haunt my dreams..a lot lately.
My new avatar- working towards a final place for that damned burns suit. It is called 'crysallis'. A shell which protects a frail body inside, undergoing irreversible change..
Watching a series on Victorian English death rituals for a bit of fun.
When I awoke from that coma...I knew I was near death. I was in pain (der), and I was frightened. That is the thought -did my family not even visiting. No why's, or you should have's, just that basic fact.
My new avatar- working towards a final place for that damned burns suit. It is called 'crysallis'. A shell which protects a frail body inside, undergoing irreversible change..
Watching a series on Victorian English death rituals for a bit of fun.
When I awoke from that coma...I knew I was near death. I was in pain (der), and I was frightened. That is the thought -did my family not even visiting. No why's, or you should have's, just that basic fact.
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