One Year & Over Part 45
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,845
Good luck, Dharma. You're a wonderful mother, assembling the X-mas presents like that
Petals, hope you feel better. Tell that AV to shut up!
Another day in the winter wonderland. Temps bouncing all over the place, should be near 40F again today.
Have a Happy Hump-Day, overs!
Petals, hope you feel better. Tell that AV to shut up!
Another day in the winter wonderland. Temps bouncing all over the place, should be near 40F again today.
Have a Happy Hump-Day, overs!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Northern Michigan
Posts: 28,801
Originally Posted by petals 
3rd sober Christmas , feeling proud but keeping aware. Still got AV nagging me but off to bed after over indulgence of chocolates..... one unhappy tummy.xx
It's 3 years for me in January, also, but I need to get a handle on my sugar consumption. My tummy groans a lot, too.
I'm rather glad the holiday season is over and all the candy and cookies are almost gone. lol.
My focus is gonna be on cutting out the sugar.
Lovely day to all of you.
Gracie
Quit 4/17/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,181
Originally Posted by Dharma33
Here you are, Overs!!
Just wanted to pop in quickly and say hello- I hope to catch up with the thread tonight.... still assembling toys from Xmas!! Just about to tackle a drum set.... certainly one of our band guys here could do it in 5 minutes. Wish me luck and I'll talk with you all soon!
Just wanted to pop in quickly and say hello- I hope to catch up with the thread tonight.... still assembling toys from Xmas!! Just about to tackle a drum set.... certainly one of our band guys here could do it in 5 minutes. Wish me luck and I'll talk with you all soon!
Have a great day all!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,601
Hey guys,
I'm almost 19 months sober and really struggling. The first year was easier. I did my step work, stayed sober, got a job, was moving forward in life. I don't think I cried ONCE when writing my 4th or reading my 5th step. I felt like I should cry, but I didn't and couldn't. I almost forced myself to cry when I was reading some awful things because I didn't want my sponsor to think I was some sort of nut or sociopath. I just didn't really feel anything. That all kinda changed when I hit 10 months sober and got worse and worse. I've had chronic anxiety which has become so severe at times that I was unable to function (admittedly, I'd been able to better manage those times with each month that passes). Then I started to hate people. My friends who were not alcoholics and my family as well. And lately I have come to realize that I don't hate them at all. They love me and always have. I've pulled away because I hate myself so much. I just find myself filled with intense self loathing. I go to bed thinking dark thoughts, wake up from nightmares, cannot get back to sleep. I wake up in fear. I am constantly afraid. Everything feels overwhelming to me. I cry out to God but I never seem to hear an answer. I've cried on my bedroom floor for days on end with only brief respites (this was pretty much all of the month of Mid-June-Mid July). I feel like he doesn't love me either and that he refuses to help me. Then I wonder if I am not doing my step work correctly and I feel like Sh1t I cannot even figure out this sobriety thing either. I just suck at everything.
No I am not going to harm myself.
Yes I am in therapy.
Just looking for support from someone who understands.
I'm at work, jumping out of my skin with anxiety, and I am going to go take a walk now...that's really the only thing that helps me at times like this.
Thanks all.
I'm almost 19 months sober and really struggling. The first year was easier. I did my step work, stayed sober, got a job, was moving forward in life. I don't think I cried ONCE when writing my 4th or reading my 5th step. I felt like I should cry, but I didn't and couldn't. I almost forced myself to cry when I was reading some awful things because I didn't want my sponsor to think I was some sort of nut or sociopath. I just didn't really feel anything. That all kinda changed when I hit 10 months sober and got worse and worse. I've had chronic anxiety which has become so severe at times that I was unable to function (admittedly, I'd been able to better manage those times with each month that passes). Then I started to hate people. My friends who were not alcoholics and my family as well. And lately I have come to realize that I don't hate them at all. They love me and always have. I've pulled away because I hate myself so much. I just find myself filled with intense self loathing. I go to bed thinking dark thoughts, wake up from nightmares, cannot get back to sleep. I wake up in fear. I am constantly afraid. Everything feels overwhelming to me. I cry out to God but I never seem to hear an answer. I've cried on my bedroom floor for days on end with only brief respites (this was pretty much all of the month of Mid-June-Mid July). I feel like he doesn't love me either and that he refuses to help me. Then I wonder if I am not doing my step work correctly and I feel like Sh1t I cannot even figure out this sobriety thing either. I just suck at everything.
No I am not going to harm myself.
Yes I am in therapy.
Just looking for support from someone who understands.
I'm at work, jumping out of my skin with anxiety, and I am going to go take a walk now...that's really the only thing that helps me at times like this.
Thanks all.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Welcome, Bunny.
We mask a lot of inner crap and dysfunction with alcohol. For the first few months you were sober, it sounds as though your emotions were still numb--plus your mind was occupied working on the steps.
The core self-loathing is only now rearing its ugly head.
It took awhile to surface; it will probably take a long time to fully experience and live through.
But you're taking very good care of yourself and being proactive. Eventually you'll see admirable things in yourself and develop new aspects of your life. You'll come through to the other end eventually.
Hang in with us!
We mask a lot of inner crap and dysfunction with alcohol. For the first few months you were sober, it sounds as though your emotions were still numb--plus your mind was occupied working on the steps.
The core self-loathing is only now rearing its ugly head.
It took awhile to surface; it will probably take a long time to fully experience and live through.
But you're taking very good care of yourself and being proactive. Eventually you'll see admirable things in yourself and develop new aspects of your life. You'll come through to the other end eventually.
Hang in with us!
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,845
Bunny, sending you hugs today. I had some anxiety during the first couple of years (though not to the degree of yours) and I found that walking helped me tremendously. The anxiety is now all but gone. I find that practicing daily gratitude and positive thinking has helped me as well. Learning how to live sober has literally saved my life. Hang in there, I'm sure you'll get things sorted.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
I've just finished reading a book called 'reasons to stay alive' by Matt Haig it's someone in recovery who writes about his experiences of anxiety & depression. I couldn't put the book down it was that good
I highly recommend it Bunny x
I highly recommend it Bunny x
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,287
Welcome, Bunny. It sounds like you are having a very rough time. Good that you are in therapy. Some of us have loads of old stuff to work through. I hope you will keep coming here. Being part of this fellowship has helped me enormously. No, it hasn't solved everything but at least I feel Ike I am a work in progress.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Mags,
Well done. Hubby too as he reacted quickly to your defense without letting on. It is a bit defeating when we were fine but did not get to prove it.
Wolf!
Hi all my Overs buddies!
Bunny,
I had awful PAWS for six months and thought I was done at a year. But then at two years, in hindsight, I realized I was not all right and had continued improving. Are you still going to meetings? If not why not try, and get around other caring folks who've been there.
It sounds like you understand that with time these too will pass. All you have to do is stay sober for whatever time you take. Of course that isn't now for you. I like your attention to clear communication and self honesty. We all emotionally bleed until we are through grieving for the lost hours of our lives. Being like you in alcoholism the hardest thing about recovery is that we want instant gratification emotionally, despite knowing better intellectually, thus setting up a heck of an internal struggle in cognitive dissonance. you are loved and yet you know you try to extinguish it in emotional penance and wearing an emotional hair shirt.
I keep telling folks that life does not get better, we do. For some it takes as long to get to an even plane as it took to sail your life into the rocks to prove your worth.
We can make you feel better because you aren't judged by us, just given whatever shelter we can spare. You can take it the rest of the way by forgiving yourself and accepting the grace of your own forgiveness. It's not easy, but doable. with a bit of the Serenity Prayer thrown in the mix.
Using self loathing to make you drink just to spite yourself is, as you said, not what you want.
The time will pass. Faster if you stay constructive and force something to smile about daily.
It is different for each. What is the same is the healing when given time.
Sobriety in the trenches and hanging on by your fingernails sucks. Second only to drinking, and going through this spit all over again?
Like you said, it gets better with each month. May I suggest you go out and buy a toy you would have loved to get at age 7 or 8, and find a poor or orphaned child to give it to in selfish recognition that you need the grace more then they need the gift? Or an old folks home and find who has no visitors and read them a book even if they don't seem to be able to listen. Get out of yourself and your dwelling and touch the trees and the ground and drag your fingers around corners. Do a series of random acts of kindness until you see your worth reflected back at you. I don't loath you, but see you as a sister to my brother on a path out of the valley of death.
Here in the Overs we are a chain, and all of us hold hands through the scary and narrow parts, remembering that the folks behind us have to cross the same scary parts. So we hold onto your hand in front, and behind, figuratively, as tight as we can.
And help you whistle your tune against the dark.
We gotcha. Now don't let go at either end. We're all whistling too. the folks up front we can see by their light and we can see them calling back that it is safe so bring yourselves on. You can light your own light from one of ours.
Well done. Hubby too as he reacted quickly to your defense without letting on. It is a bit defeating when we were fine but did not get to prove it.
Wolf!
Hi all my Overs buddies!
Bunny,
I had awful PAWS for six months and thought I was done at a year. But then at two years, in hindsight, I realized I was not all right and had continued improving. Are you still going to meetings? If not why not try, and get around other caring folks who've been there.
It sounds like you understand that with time these too will pass. All you have to do is stay sober for whatever time you take. Of course that isn't now for you. I like your attention to clear communication and self honesty. We all emotionally bleed until we are through grieving for the lost hours of our lives. Being like you in alcoholism the hardest thing about recovery is that we want instant gratification emotionally, despite knowing better intellectually, thus setting up a heck of an internal struggle in cognitive dissonance. you are loved and yet you know you try to extinguish it in emotional penance and wearing an emotional hair shirt.
I keep telling folks that life does not get better, we do. For some it takes as long to get to an even plane as it took to sail your life into the rocks to prove your worth.
We can make you feel better because you aren't judged by us, just given whatever shelter we can spare. You can take it the rest of the way by forgiving yourself and accepting the grace of your own forgiveness. It's not easy, but doable. with a bit of the Serenity Prayer thrown in the mix.
Using self loathing to make you drink just to spite yourself is, as you said, not what you want.
The time will pass. Faster if you stay constructive and force something to smile about daily.
It is different for each. What is the same is the healing when given time.
Sobriety in the trenches and hanging on by your fingernails sucks. Second only to drinking, and going through this spit all over again?
Like you said, it gets better with each month. May I suggest you go out and buy a toy you would have loved to get at age 7 or 8, and find a poor or orphaned child to give it to in selfish recognition that you need the grace more then they need the gift? Or an old folks home and find who has no visitors and read them a book even if they don't seem to be able to listen. Get out of yourself and your dwelling and touch the trees and the ground and drag your fingers around corners. Do a series of random acts of kindness until you see your worth reflected back at you. I don't loath you, but see you as a sister to my brother on a path out of the valley of death.
Here in the Overs we are a chain, and all of us hold hands through the scary and narrow parts, remembering that the folks behind us have to cross the same scary parts. So we hold onto your hand in front, and behind, figuratively, as tight as we can.
And help you whistle your tune against the dark.
We gotcha. Now don't let go at either end. We're all whistling too. the folks up front we can see by their light and we can see them calling back that it is safe so bring yourselves on. You can light your own light from one of ours.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
hi bunny
from an A.A. perspective
my past and step eleven are my salvation
in it's simplest form, i use it to slow my racy mind down to a crawl
then toss the band of gypsys out of my head!
then dive into step twelve work
like itch mentioned
if not another alky, to another person does seem to help
from an A.A. perspective
my past and step eleven are my salvation
in it's simplest form, i use it to slow my racy mind down to a crawl
then toss the band of gypsys out of my head!
then dive into step twelve work
like itch mentioned
if not another alky, to another person does seem to help
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