Midton

Oh Juno, I thought you were going to make it through the month and then soar.

Maybe I've git the most days now but I'm not that far myself. I am doing well though. Im lucky in that I can't really drink for too many days in a row. Mentally and physically after 2 or 3 days I feel stodgy, lethargic and unfit and want to stop. If I'm on holiday and feel I have to drink cause I'm on holiday I'll still open a beer but have lost the appetite for it. Then after a holiday I'm ready for abstinence. I feel I need to cleanse myself. This is where I am now. I'm happy to be going sober.


Again, I don't really fear being a daily drinker building up more and more tolerance. That's not the way I drink. It's the drinking to oblivion when I drink that I have to be careful about.

Either way I'm in a good place now and it's up to me whether or not to continue I this good place.

Dee74

thats not uncommon, but I know other female members of SR have dealt with it successfully.

I dunno guys - maybe its worth re-drafting your recovery plan to think about ways to specifically tackle this issue?

D

Juno11

I don't know why I didn't ask for help, Dee. I should have. I will next time. I think once I make up my mind that I'm going to drink I don't want to be talked out of it. Gotta work on that. I had cravings 3 days in a row and successfully fought them the first two days, but gave in last night. It was stupid. Pointless. And I blame the huge amount of stress in my life right now and I just needed relief. I had convinced myself I was only going to have 2 glasses and dump the rest. I even measured the two glasses. But after drinking them both, I thought I didn't want to stop so abandoned the rule of 2 glasses. That's the problem with alcohol, at least for me. I had four hours of nausea and vomiting and actually thought I was not going to make it through. I really did not think I could do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore, I really don't. After the nausea settled down a bit and everything was out of my stomach, then the panic attacks came on. Fortunately I was able to sleep through it and they weren't quite as bad as last time, but the whole experience was terrible. I hate drinking.

I will go back to meetings next week - promise.

There is something to the full moon thing. I have to factor that into my plan. I never thought it was a real thing, but now I do.

I have gotten on medicine to deal with time of the month "hormonal migraines" and that has helped me a lot. So we're all still working on this. This should be easier than it is. I'm healing from the mess I put myself through last night and will feel fully better tomorrow. Mentally will take a few days to heal, though. Usually takes me a week after a big relapse to heal mentally.

Okay everyone. More tomorrow.

Dee74

Yeah I never wanted to be talked out of it either but I learned the only way to change our life is to change our decisions

D

Juno11

Good morning - I'm just waking up at 8:00 and have to get to work very very soon. I was too tired to get in early like I planned. Slept pretty well last night and am anxious to put the ordeal of a couple of nights ago behind me.

Still can't believe I messed this up again - but now in retrospect I realize I was going too fast on a few different things. Like skipping my meetings and thinking I could just "stop" simply by my will. Also, I was going full speed ahead of Facebook and trying to act like a fully put together and confident and normal person. That was too fast. I'm not there yet and have some healing to do and Facebook brings out my vulnerabilities as I found out when I was drinking. I kind of got upset about a number of different things relating to Facebook. It targets a lot of insecurities about myself and where I am with my life. I have deactivated Facebook. I was going too fast with trying to be a normal functioning human being. I have some more work to do and need to go more slowly, take my time and stick to my game plan which means very limited social contact and protecting myself as I get stronger. I'm not all healed yet and this week was a wake up call.

I'll be okay - just need to adjust the plan and be more cautious. Wake up calls can be good.

Off to work soon....

Midton

I'm going to reduce my Facebook usage also. I posted a lot on my holiday but now I'm back I'll give it a break. It causes me more negative emotions than positive.

Anyway, I away for the day. Long drive to an outlet shopping place. Should be fine this weekend.

Have a good one.

Juno11

Hi Midton,

I should be fine this weekend too. I don't even think about drinking for at least a week after my last binge. So I know I'm safe for now. It's scary how those thoughts can creep up so quickly and how quickly you can get back to old patterns. After I had my little rant on Facebook and deactivated, I got a lot of private messages/texts. There are a lot of good people out there and that was why I wanted to get back to Facebook, but there are a few folks who are my "friends" who get at my core and make me agitated. I just can't risk that right now - I'm too fragile!

My day started out badly. I didn't have time to wash my hair before work so had to go as is. Then I took my dog for a walk and was wearing some platform type sandals and carrying a cup of coffee (as I do a lot) and wearing a pink sweater. At one point I lost my balance on the road and my dog was pulling me and I fell flat on my knees and spilled the cup of coffee all in my hair and pink sweater. I noticed that my knee hurt so when I got home, rolled up my jeans and saw that I had cut my knee through my pants and it hurt a lot. How could I do that? There wasn't even a rip in the jeans so I must have hit my knee hard. Anyway, stupid of me to wear those shoes walking the dog - lesson learned.

One of my friends who texted me after I got off of Facebook invited me to dinner/drinks tonight to try to cheer me up (I was in a bad state when I relapsed) and I turned him down. Hard to believe I got an offer to go out for drinks after that horrible episode. So many people just don't have to deal with what I have to ... with the alcohol and how it affects me. Sometimes I feel like having a little pity party for myself thinking why me? Why am I divorced and everyone else married? Why did I get a kid with autism? Why are my other 2 kids so difficult? Why? Why? Why? And yet overall I know I am happy with my life - I need to get some longer term sobriety under my belt so that I can focus on what I have and not what I don't have...

I'm a little introspective tonight. I guess that's okay. Happy weekend, all.

Winslow

Hey all,Juno,I think we all get like that sometimes, so sorry about your fall ouch! My dog,though small takes me for a jog when I walk him so I defo won't be wearing anything but running shoes when I take him haha,hello to all,hope we all have a great weekend

Juno11

I know, right? My dog is only 27 pounds but has so much strength and is low to the ground and can fully knock me over - no more platform sandals!! I was in a rush and was lazy about changing my shoes before work on the walk - dumb!!

I'm very glad you're here, Winslow! Me, you and Midton have dates close together. I'm counting on Midton to lead us through.

I just realized that around the time I was really, really sick from drinking, or had just finished my throwing up, the full moon hit at 5:27 am eastern time. That is when I started getting better, though very slowly at first. Here's a cool article I found on this month's full moon:

______________________

Brace yourself for some major celestial multitasking tonight. First, there will be a partial lunar eclipse that, unfortunately for you stargazers out there, won't be visible from Earth. Then at 5:27 a.m. EST Thursday morning, the moon will be totally full, marking the official start of the Corn Moon phase in the Pagan calendar. While you'll be able to see only one of these lunar events, you'll be sure to feel the effects of both.

Every month's full moon is cause for celebration and reflection, though what you celebrate and reflect upon may vary from month to month. This month, the Corn Moon is all about laying the groundwork for things to come. In the same way that corn must be planted and cultivated in order to grow, you must set your intentions and see them through before you can reap the benefits of your work.

It might not be the most fun ritual imaginable, but now's the perfect time to think about the tasks and decisions you've been putting off. Anything that you might call a sacrifice now will pay off later in the year. This month could see you tackling an unpleasant assignment at work or addressing a relationship that's recently become difficult. Think of it as a chance for some late-summer cleansing.

As we said before, this month's eclipse won't be much to look at, but these intention-setting rituals will get a boost from its activity all the same. It's believed that lunar eclipses of any kind (partial or total) are an opportunity for greater spiritual understanding. In fact, partial eclipses are particularly helpful times to reflect quietly.

So, don't be surprised if you find it easier to find solutions to the problems you've been avoiding when you consider them tonight. The moon's symbolic associations and its physical activity are working in tandem to prepare you for the rest of the year. There will always be some hardship hanging over your head, but taking advantage of the Corn Moon and the eclipse's reflective properties can help you move through them with grace.
_____________________________
http://www.refinery29.com/2016/08/12...se-august-2016

Midton

Well, that's me back exhausted and poor after my shopping trip.

It was over 32 when I left around 7 this morning but in the mountains it was about 22. And it rained really heavily, proper summer mountain thunderstorms. It was niice to get away from the humidity though so I'm not complaining.

I almost forgot it was Saturday night and am glad I have another one under my belt. I didn't intend to spend any money today but needed trousers and bought 4 pair. I won't tell how much I paid, it was a lot, but they are excellent quality. I bought 2 pair in Armani and they fit perfectly but should I start drinking again I'll soon be too fat to wear them. Great incentive.

About to go to bed after I finish my lukewarm water.

Juno11

Hey all, I'm up and dealing with my day so far. I have to admit I'm feeling a little down today. Not sure why. Maybe still all the residuals from my binge, but I am healing slowly but surely.

I do realize why I relapsed now - was trying to "fast forward" my recovery to the point where I was already better and not do the hard task of working to get better. I know that now. I am looking forward to getting back to my meetings and doing the work. I belong with those people at the meetings - the people who are struggling in life and understand my feelings. I don't belong with the glitzy flowy easy people on Facebook whose lives are beautiful and effortless. I know that Facebook is not entirely real, but it's real enough for me.

I'm going to try to get to yoga this morning. Maybe that will help my mood. I need to do the hard work on myself emotionally and physically, avoid places and situations where I feel inadequate, and keep on going.

I do have a large amount of stress about the activities of the next few weeks. I think the best thing I can do is also not rush that and take each day and each task as it comes. Thanks for being here everyone!

Midton

Up early but really tired. Going to do absolutely nothing today and just be a couch potato.

Dee74

I get that - but I don't entirely get how drinking came into it

Do you mean you were despondent about where you are in recovery Juno?

D

Juno11

Hey Dee, I just drafted a big long response and then lost it! So I'm not going to try to recreate it.

In trying to answer your question I'm not even making sense! It must be late. All I can say is that I realized I was doing many things "wrong" in my recovery and there are a whole slew of things I need to fix. This was the most eye opening relapase since I know exactly what I was doing wrong. I wasn't reaching out to sober friends at my SMART group who understand, I was trying to keep an online presence which was eating away at my soul and confidence (Facebook), and I was feeling like I didn't need to work on things much anymore. All of those things were wrong. I'm not exactly despondant but feel very fragile emotionally and it's the first time I've actually noticed this. I always like to think of myself as so strong. This relapse made me feel like I have to protect myself more.

Okay, I had a good day today. Got lots done. Good to see you Midton and Dee. Hoping for another decent day tomorrow.

Juno11

Midton, lucky you being a couch potato. Enjoy

Winslow

Hello friends, yesterday was the absolute worst! My bratty little dog woke me up barking at 2:30 am and I couldn't fall back asleep so I drank coffee and did walking for 90 minutes thinking that I was being productive,ugh NO! My nervous system completely shut down at work, I started shaking, I was exhausted, I told the girls that I was leaving, even driving was hard! Came home and took a nap,then another nap,it's only been less than a week since I quit drinking and I should've been resting not pushing myself so hard,anyways,Midton,well look at you with your Armani trousers, lucky! No drinking cuz you defo want those to fit nice for awhile, Juno,I think it sounds like you know what you need to do,I've looked up SMART meetings here in Vegas and there's only like 1 a week, I wish I could find a smaller, closer,english speaking AA meeting, I need to look into something cuz I'm never drinking again!!! This past week has been a HUGE reminder of me and alcohols relationship, he's a sweet, gentle lover and first and then turns abusive fast,I'm getting a divorce and a restraining order haha,hello to Sydney and Grizz,hope we all have a wonderful day.

Juno11

Hey Winslow, sorry about your crappy day Ugh!!! I totally relate to how you feel about alcohol - sweet gentle lover who turns abusive fast. Isn't that the truth!

Yes, I'm know what I need to do now. 3 x yoga per week (not optional, mandatory), 2 x cardio per week (even two 30 minute treadmills runs is fine) and 1 SMART recovery meeting each week. I'm lucky to have a few to choose from in my area and I'm pretty close to the guy who runs the Tuesday meetings. Besides that, NO Facebook, LIMITED social contact --- think first, do I *really* want this person in my life??

I went to yoga both today and yesterday as part of the new plan of taking care of myself. After class today I bought myself a "sobriety bracelet" as a little token of my committment this month. I also have one that I bought in July and I wear that, too. Both are important. The July one is turquoise and the August one is black. Both are very cute. I also bought myself a little bell - it's so cute!! Was only $2 and made somewhere in Asis probably - called a Nana bell. I love it and thought I deserved it.

After yoga I went to the dreaded Target store to get lightbulbs, food for my dog and several other items. I was pushing my cart and stopped for a minute to look down an aisle at some dog dishes - my dog needs a new water dish since his is chipped - and I heard this guy loudly saying, "Don't you just love it when people leave their cart in the middle of the aisle so you can't get by...." And he had his teeange son with him. I went over, moved my cart and he said to his son, "Some people think the whole store is just here for them." I glared at him and felt like saying, "You are a ******* ******* and I feel sorry for you." but instead gave him an evil eye and said, "Nice." He just smugly laughed and didn't have a comeback. Some people are just jerks!! I mean really, you almost bump into lots of people with those carts - that's just the nature of the store - all you have to do is smile move your cart and apologize. I had a few nice people almost run into me and then say "Oh! sorry" I mean that's just normal being nice to people. This guy was sooooooo rude!! I hate it when people throw off my day like that. I feel sorry for his teenage son.

Okay guys, let's make this a good Sunday. August is coming to a close soon. We're doing this.

Midton

Monday has begun.

Yet again I struggled with slept due to the heat. Normally the nights have cooled by now buy there are three typhoons around and although not affecting my area directly they do cause heat. The day I went shopping in the mountains, and 22 degrees, was over 35 in my town. I love summer but I've had my fill.

Had my couch potato day yesterday and ate a load of rubbish which I now regret. On the other hand I now have some decent sober time to cherish and protect. I know that the benefits will start to appear one by one. I'm over the hard initial period and its down to me now.

Juno11

Hey MIdton,

Glad to hear you're doing well. Hard to believe it's already Monday morning where you are! It's still Sunday night here and I'm watching the closing ceremonies of the Olympics. The first 10 days were great for me - I love swimming and gymnastics. The track and field can be interesting but isn't quite as exciting for me to watch. So the second week was definitely less of a draw for me than the first. Oh well, time to move on.

i had another productive day. Got a lot of things done.

My daughter came home tonight after finishing her summer session. I'm happy to see her, but I don't trust her anymore. She has done so many things to lose my trust that I don't feel so close to her as I used to. I am happy to see her but I wonder what kind of trouble she's going to get herself into over the next couple of weeks. I have come to expect trouble. I don't think I'll be sleeping well over the next 2.5 weeks because of her - not because of the heat! We have A/C anyway

Okay, hopefully I will sleep well tonight. I'm starting to no longer feel the sting of my relapse. It's slipping away, all the bad feelings, which is a good thing. I will, however, not forget the 4 hours of vomiting in which I wanted to die to relieve how horrible I felt. That I should remember.

Midton

Juno,

Let me rant a little.

I've got absolutely no interest in the olympics, used to though. It has just gotten too big, with too many weird sports that no one does. Synchronised diving for heavens sake. Then there is sports like football (uk version) that doesn't even involve the best players.

Given this increase in sports hosting the Olympic is now prohibitively expensive for cities and countries. Only a few a now big enough to be able to waste money building white elephant venues .

Please, IOC, if you're reading, get back to the basics of swimming and some athletics.

Rant over.