Class of March 2016 Part 25
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 3,241
Remember yesterday how I came back on SR and declared my day 1?
Yeah.
Then my obsessive compulsive alcoholic conniving brain decided I had to finish what was left in the house first.
I hate this sickness.
After ruining my 111 day streak I had a drink. Then went into the song and dance of sober days, off days...for the next month. Surprise surprise that dance, as always, morphed into everyday this past week. All this last month I haven't drank enough to give myself a physical bottom. Until the past two nights. The panic attacks are back. The nausea. The self-loathing. I basically sabotaged myself knowing I needed that kick to get back here.
That kind of thinking is so dangerous. I never trick myself into thinking I'll be ok or different this time. I give myself a break from being good and just wait until the next time I have "too much". Well we all know one of those times could be actually TOO MUCH. Something could seriously happen.
It's like coming home - being back here ....so why do I leave occasionally?
Day 1. My last day 1.
Yeah.
Then my obsessive compulsive alcoholic conniving brain decided I had to finish what was left in the house first.
I hate this sickness.
After ruining my 111 day streak I had a drink. Then went into the song and dance of sober days, off days...for the next month. Surprise surprise that dance, as always, morphed into everyday this past week. All this last month I haven't drank enough to give myself a physical bottom. Until the past two nights. The panic attacks are back. The nausea. The self-loathing. I basically sabotaged myself knowing I needed that kick to get back here.
That kind of thinking is so dangerous. I never trick myself into thinking I'll be ok or different this time. I give myself a break from being good and just wait until the next time I have "too much". Well we all know one of those times could be actually TOO MUCH. Something could seriously happen.
It's like coming home - being back here ....so why do I leave occasionally?
Day 1. My last day 1.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 3,241
So if anyone is struggling at the moment I hope my post will be another reminder of how much drinking stinks. To quote Casey "drinking is dumb."
Is there a book people are reading right now? I've got to up my game.
Is there a book people are reading right now? I've got to up my game.
Velveteen Rabbit
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: San Diego, Cali
Posts: 2,661
Originally Posted by Applekat 
So if anyone is struggling at the moment I hope my post will be another reminder of how much drinking stinks.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It helped me a great deal.
Welcome back and I am rooting for you. I know you can do this!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 3,241
Thanks Sam!
I am going to head to the store soon with the baby and get a good mix of healthy food and treats for evening for myself for a bit again. I'm also up a pound or so from this months shenanigans.
I am super bored with my sparkling water though. Need to find something new and tasty.
I am going to head to the store soon with the baby and get a good mix of healthy food and treats for evening for myself for a bit again. I'm also up a pound or so from this months shenanigans.
I am super bored with my sparkling water though. Need to find something new and tasty.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 3,241
Yeah Lillian take this fresh reminder from me. It's 3 PM and I'm still feeling swirly. And life doesn't stop. I have to get up in the night with kids and then get up at 6 AM and today we had a lake day planned. Guess how it feels being hungover on a boat. Gross.
Yeah back in June my plans for a break started days before it actually happened.
I feel a big sigh of relief being back here. Like a warm fuzzy blanket is being pulled up over me. I've got to make this stick.
Yeah back in June my plans for a break started days before it actually happened.
I feel a big sigh of relief being back here. Like a warm fuzzy blanket is being pulled up over me. I've got to make this stick.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,479
I was doing dishes and thinking about something I've seen all over here on SR, everything needs to change not just the absance of drinking. I started thinking about things I like to do and the things I'd really like to change and I realized I don't know how to do anything without alcohol. How freakin sad is that! Honestly it's been so long since I've actually been here that I don't even know who I really am. 
Velveteen Rabbit
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: San Diego, Cali
Posts: 2,661
Originally Posted by PeacefulRain
I was doing dishes and thinking about something I've seen all over here on SR, everything needs to change not just the absance of drinking. I started thinking about things I like to do and the things I'd really like to change and I realized I don't know how to do anything without alcohol. How freakin sad is that! Honestly it's been so long since I've actually been here that I don't even know who I really am.
The opposite is actually truth. I'm a zero when I'm drunk. 0.0.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 5,250
Originally Posted by PeacefulRain
Oh boy this day is turning out to be craptastic already. I wonder what the jail time is for selling your kids....I might be willing to risk it. I'm not sure what is in store for me today however I do know that it will include homemade chili for dinner and I'll be pickling some jalapeņos at some point today. They are a MILLION times better than store bought!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 5,250
Originally Posted by Ladybug2
Day 1's really suck. I am done. I know I've said it a million time before, but this time I mean it. I can't keep doing this. Time for a new plan. I have to believe that I can do this. Hi and welcome back PR and AppleKat! I am right there with you. Let's make this our time. Hope everyone else is doing well and having a nice weekend. Will be here lots today. Love to all.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 5,250
Originally Posted by Applekat
Remember yesterday how I came back on SR and declared my day 1? Yeah. Then my obsessive compulsive alcoholic conniving brain decided I had to finish what was left in the house first. I hate this sickness. After ruining my 111 day streak I had a drink. Then went into the song and dance of sober days, off days...for the next month. Surprise surprise that dance, as always, morphed into everyday this past week. All this last month I haven't drank enough to give myself a physical bottom. Until the past two nights. The panic attacks are back. The nausea. The self-loathing. I basically sabotaged myself knowing I needed that kick to get back here. That kind of thinking is so dangerous. I never trick myself into thinking I'll be ok or different this time. I give myself a break from being good and just wait until the next time I have "too much". Well we all know one of those times could be actually TOO MUCH. Something could seriously happen. It's like coming home - being back here ....so why do I leave occasionally? Day 1. My last day 1.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 5,250
Originally Posted by LillianGish
I was just about to post a big thank you for doing just that Applekat. My house is empty for today and all the thoughts you had about "taking some time off" have been going through my head. Been going on for awhile now actually, even before today. Thank you for sharing your experience. It helped me a great deal. Welcome back and I am rooting for you. I know you can do this!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 5,250
Originally Posted by PeacefulRain
I was doing dishes and thinking about something I've seen all over here on SR, everything needs to change not just the absance of drinking. I started thinking about things I like to do and the things I'd really like to change and I realized I don't know how to do anything without alcohol. How freakin sad is that! Honestly it's been so long since I've actually been here that I don't even know who I really am.
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