Remember yesterday how I came back on SR and declared my day 1?
Yeah.
Then my obsessive compulsive alcoholic conniving brain decided I had to finish what was left in the house first.
I hate this sickness.
After ruining my 111 day streak I had a drink. Then went into the song and dance of sober days, off days...for the next month. Surprise surprise that dance, as always, morphed into everyday this past week. All this last month I haven't drank enough to give myself a physical bottom. Until the past two nights. The panic attacks are back. The nausea. The self-loathing. I basically sabotaged myself knowing I needed that kick to get back here.
That kind of thinking is so dangerous. I never trick myself into thinking I'll be ok or different this time. I give myself a break from being good and just wait until the next time I have "too much". Well we all know one of those times could be actually TOO MUCH. Something could seriously happen.
It's like coming home - being back here ....so why do I leave occasionally?
Day 1. My last day 1.