Class of February 2016 Part 13
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 617
Thanks guys.... I have a guy showing up in 9 minutes that is getting fired. He lies about everything and in this business, you just can't lie to me. You just can't. I may do the same with her. Her money can easily be replaced. Thing is she is the newest of a long line of directors (her 3rd year) but we have written the place she works for like 25 years. Never had an issue until her. Some people just look for trouble....
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 1,067
Originally Posted by Cococo 
Hi Jobei
How are the 24 hours going for you? I find that's the only way for me to move forward step by step at the moment. Looking forward week to week seems like a mountain. NOW I understand what you meant when you said when you first joined this class "not doing day 1 or whatever at the moment, going hour by hour at the moment"....hmmmmm I get it. We heal by hour, by day, by week, by month, by year, by decade, by generation!
How are the 24 hours going for you? I find that's the only way for me to move forward step by step at the moment. Looking forward week to week seems like a mountain. NOW I understand what you meant when you said when you first joined this class "not doing day 1 or whatever at the moment, going hour by hour at the moment"....hmmmmm I get it. We heal by hour, by day, by week, by month, by year, by decade, by generation!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 617
Originally Posted by Delizadee
I am dwelling today. Not nearly as bad as yesterday. I know I should journal or blog this stuff but here I am, with no pen.
Anyways, no av today at all. Just sitting on my rump spinning my wheels thinking over things.
In no particular order. Here is what in on my mind today.
Not only did my daughter lie about my drinking and twist many truths, but she had (unbeknownst to me) access to my email for a few months. I did not realize that she could see all my emails and google history from her phone. Yes I am that dumb, as I could see things she was googling.
She put out a lot of information to many people in MY area about me and my drinking... a lot of lies, she seems to have spread rumours about me. I basically feel like I no longer have a shred of dignity or pride left and it makes it SO much harder to get back out there and face people I know.
I really don't know how I can ever trust my daughter again.... and mostly, I just don't understand WHY.
We left off on such a good note, very loving and talking openly. And I was sober. And just- wham. I am so hurt. Disappointed. Ashamed. Who knew that your own 11 year old daughter would kick you while you were down?
Not talking to my father and brother. I think about calling them, but why?? When all this legal stuff came about, they told me I didn't have a leg to stand on. I was berated for my actions. (Like, I get it already-- I am in court now! AND I have to live with my own conscience!) If you can't support me, then shut up and F off.
This coming from my deluded, self-righteous father who has made a lifetime habit of verbal and mental abuse towards me. From my father who paid for my alcoholic brother's very expensive criminal defense attorney when he got into trouble with a girl while intoxicated. My brother, the sober alcoholic who thinks he's got all the answers in recovery, has a silver spoon shoved up his butt from mom and dad his whole life, feels he can judge or dictate whether or not I'm worthy of support or have a fighting chance.
Both my dad and my brother saw my kids in January and did not invite me along to see them too. Talk about ow. Don't forget there is also another little girl here who misses her siblings.
And I was thinking today... of all the hypocritical BS that goes on between my family, and my X of my 2 oldest kids family.
I want to scream at my dad and ask him if he's ever told his grand daughter that the first thing he said to me when I told him I was pregnant was that I had OPTIONS?
argh.
Now I can stop mulling and start doing. Kick my butt. I shouldn't even be on here. I am eating up my phone data, no money to pay bills.
At least I'm out the blackhole pity party and onto resentments.
My friend posted one of those memes on facebook. I am fairly sure it was a passive-aggressive post directed at me (this was at the very end of my tapering off to stopping and she knew I was drinking). The gist of it was,
a comprehensive list of everything you are entitled to & what the world owes you:
A blank notebook page.
Ouch. that one sticks to me. Makes me think awfully hard about what I say and do. And it sure makes me feel like crap.
Anywho. Thinking too much got me into trouble yesterday. So Toodles doodles. Stay cool.
mucho amore!
Anyways, no av today at all. Just sitting on my rump spinning my wheels thinking over things.
In no particular order. Here is what in on my mind today.
Not only did my daughter lie about my drinking and twist many truths, but she had (unbeknownst to me) access to my email for a few months. I did not realize that she could see all my emails and google history from her phone. Yes I am that dumb, as I could see things she was googling.
She put out a lot of information to many people in MY area about me and my drinking... a lot of lies, she seems to have spread rumours about me. I basically feel like I no longer have a shred of dignity or pride left and it makes it SO much harder to get back out there and face people I know.
I really don't know how I can ever trust my daughter again.... and mostly, I just don't understand WHY.
We left off on such a good note, very loving and talking openly. And I was sober. And just- wham. I am so hurt. Disappointed. Ashamed. Who knew that your own 11 year old daughter would kick you while you were down?
Not talking to my father and brother. I think about calling them, but why?? When all this legal stuff came about, they told me I didn't have a leg to stand on. I was berated for my actions. (Like, I get it already-- I am in court now! AND I have to live with my own conscience!) If you can't support me, then shut up and F off.
This coming from my deluded, self-righteous father who has made a lifetime habit of verbal and mental abuse towards me. From my father who paid for my alcoholic brother's very expensive criminal defense attorney when he got into trouble with a girl while intoxicated. My brother, the sober alcoholic who thinks he's got all the answers in recovery, has a silver spoon shoved up his butt from mom and dad his whole life, feels he can judge or dictate whether or not I'm worthy of support or have a fighting chance.
Both my dad and my brother saw my kids in January and did not invite me along to see them too. Talk about ow. Don't forget there is also another little girl here who misses her siblings.
And I was thinking today... of all the hypocritical BS that goes on between my family, and my X of my 2 oldest kids family.
I want to scream at my dad and ask him if he's ever told his grand daughter that the first thing he said to me when I told him I was pregnant was that I had OPTIONS?
argh.
Now I can stop mulling and start doing. Kick my butt. I shouldn't even be on here. I am eating up my phone data, no money to pay bills.
At least I'm out the blackhole pity party and onto resentments.
My friend posted one of those memes on facebook. I am fairly sure it was a passive-aggressive post directed at me (this was at the very end of my tapering off to stopping and she knew I was drinking). The gist of it was,
a comprehensive list of everything you are entitled to & what the world owes you:
A blank notebook page.
Ouch. that one sticks to me. Makes me think awfully hard about what I say and do. And it sure makes me feel like crap.
Anywho. Thinking too much got me into trouble yesterday. So Toodles doodles. Stay cool.
mucho amore!Sorry Del. Family can really suck, I understand.
But what I really wanted to comment on, was the 11 year old.
When my oldest was 8 he told some INSANE and crazy lies, I mean, how can a kid even come up with the stuff kind of lies. I am still dealing with crap he said now, 4 years later. I have true heartfelt empathy for you. Don't give up. What your entitled brother thinks of you doesn't matter and to be honest, an abusive fathers opinion doesn't either. You are a grown woman with many more worries than them. I will continue to pray for you!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 486
Hey, thanks for asking. Sometimes I'm unintentionally vague.
I am/was a heavy binge drinker, so it took me longer than I think is usual to feel a difference, but here are some things that I have noticed:
1) I have infinitely more patience. I don't get perturbed by little things like I did....my fuse is longer.
2) I feel more calm inside and not jumpy and anxious.
3) I am not having racing, negative thoughts and am not ruminating on things like I tend to do when I am drinking.
4) Related to 3, I am not taking things other people say so personally or reading meanings into things that just aren't there.
5) I look better. I've lost about 5 pounds in the last 30 days and my skin is clearer, my eyes brighter, and my hair is shinier. I just look younger--not a ton, but it is noticeable.. People have given me little compliments here and there like "you look really rested" and things like that.
6) I am sleeping better and my dreams are taking a more positive turn.
7) I am really realizing just HOW much money I spent on alcohol and am saving the money for something special. Even though I make decent money, I am shocked that I afforded to drink as much as I did.
8) I am thinking more about the future instead of feeling mired in the present or stuck in the past--I have always been way too nostalgic about my younger years, but when I read old journals I was not nearly as happy with myself.
So those are some specifics. But I have learned from my past that I can NEVER let my guard down or EVER think I can drink in moderation. I cannot. I have turned down a lot of social invitations because of fear of wanting to drink, but it has been for the best, but I know that I cannot do that forever. But the bubble has been nice and long enough to give me strength.
I also am praying more, which I don't do very much of when I drink because I feel so guilty because what I am doing I know is hurtful to myself and others.
I'm definitely not on a pink cloud though, which makes me happy, I feel very solid this time in my sobriety. I am certain that this time will stick, but I will never become complacent....that has ALWAYS gotten me in the past.
It is a great feeling to be sober and not feel bad in the mornings or have the regrets of nights before........it's a good space to be in!!
I am/was a heavy binge drinker, so it took me longer than I think is usual to feel a difference, but here are some things that I have noticed:
1) I have infinitely more patience. I don't get perturbed by little things like I did....my fuse is longer.
2) I feel more calm inside and not jumpy and anxious.
3) I am not having racing, negative thoughts and am not ruminating on things like I tend to do when I am drinking.
4) Related to 3, I am not taking things other people say so personally or reading meanings into things that just aren't there.
5) I look better. I've lost about 5 pounds in the last 30 days and my skin is clearer, my eyes brighter, and my hair is shinier. I just look younger--not a ton, but it is noticeable.. People have given me little compliments here and there like "you look really rested" and things like that.
6) I am sleeping better and my dreams are taking a more positive turn.
7) I am really realizing just HOW much money I spent on alcohol and am saving the money for something special. Even though I make decent money, I am shocked that I afforded to drink as much as I did.
8) I am thinking more about the future instead of feeling mired in the present or stuck in the past--I have always been way too nostalgic about my younger years, but when I read old journals I was not nearly as happy with myself.
So those are some specifics. But I have learned from my past that I can NEVER let my guard down or EVER think I can drink in moderation. I cannot. I have turned down a lot of social invitations because of fear of wanting to drink, but it has been for the best, but I know that I cannot do that forever. But the bubble has been nice and long enough to give me strength.
I also am praying more, which I don't do very much of when I drink because I feel so guilty because what I am doing I know is hurtful to myself and others.
I'm definitely not on a pink cloud though, which makes me happy, I feel very solid this time in my sobriety. I am certain that this time will stick, but I will never become complacent....that has ALWAYS gotten me in the past.
It is a great feeling to be sober and not feel bad in the mornings or have the regrets of nights before........it's a good space to be in!!
Originally Posted by amazingjoy
Hey Leezer! Can you characterize how you are feeling REALLY different at 30 days?
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
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That's fantastic Lee! I think you should print it up and save it in a journal or something... a see how far I've come memento. 
Thank you 360. I'm trying not to go back to the victim mentality. It's hard isn't it?? But I'm learning that owning my sobriety means owning my actions AND reactions. I hope your day ends on a positive note. That's lots of heavy to deal with today.
Yes, jobei!! I think that's just what the Dr ordered!
Thank you 360. I'm trying not to go back to the victim mentality. It's hard isn't it?? But I'm learning that owning my sobriety means owning my actions AND reactions. I hope your day ends on a positive note. That's lots of heavy to deal with today.
Yes, jobei!! I think that's just what the Dr ordered!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 2,049
Del I'm feeling you on the family thing.
Some family just sucks. I don't know how many times I've told my wife I would just love to be the grandparents in a cool family.
To be honest I think I've only met one " cool" family in 44 yrs, that comes to mind.
Don't feel alone.
You aren't !
Leezer I had a fleeting thought today about moderation. I laugh out loud at myself. Forget it- I told me
Some family just sucks. I don't know how many times I've told my wife I would just love to be the grandparents in a cool family.
To be honest I think I've only met one " cool" family in 44 yrs, that comes to mind.
Don't feel alone.
You aren't !
Leezer I had a fleeting thought today about moderation. I laugh out loud at myself. Forget it- I told me
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 2,049
It's ok. Think were done for the day here. Hiding out til time to be back at the office.
Gonna get off here then drive to my mol house to play with the boys, then drive home. Wife's got work meeting then straight to class for a test. Very foul mood today, because of stress and time crunch.
Think I'm gonna eat something yummy tonight and go straight to bed, tonight. Oh forgot. After a float in the bath. I've been timing myself making myself stay for at least 10-15 minutes.
I've never ever been a long bath or shower person. Rush rush , no time, gotta hurry. No more. Hot bath actually eases the tension and soreness. Cut down a lot on ibuprofen in the past few weeks.
How sad is that ?? I have to force myself to relax in a bath. I just noticed how ridiculous that sounds.
Gonna get off here then drive to my mol house to play with the boys, then drive home. Wife's got work meeting then straight to class for a test. Very foul mood today, because of stress and time crunch.
Think I'm gonna eat something yummy tonight and go straight to bed, tonight. Oh forgot. After a float in the bath. I've been timing myself making myself stay for at least 10-15 minutes.
I've never ever been a long bath or shower person. Rush rush , no time, gotta hurry. No more. Hot bath actually eases the tension and soreness. Cut down a lot on ibuprofen in the past few weeks.
How sad is that ?? I have to force myself to relax in a bath. I just noticed how ridiculous that sounds.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 451
Hi Del! I echo what 360 said...about focusing on your kids (not your father or brother).
I think of my own relationship with my daughter and I cry when I know she has said out loud to her dad "I just wish mom wouldn't drink". If I fall asleep while watching TV with her, she was double checking to see if I was "passed out" and really worried that something might be wrong (like the night they called 911 when I didn't respond to them).
As "good" as I tried to be during those times and could sometime pull off "controlling" how much I drank, I wasn't "myself" and in control. I was never mean or bad, but I wasn't always "me".
I think kids need to feel safe. They want to feel that we are steady and reliable. This will come in time with all of your kids I believe. I know I've already felt a difference with my daughter.
It will take them time to see you being authentic and consistent and trust that it is going to last...but they want to love you. They will come around with time!
It's so great that you are posting all of this and moving through these emotions. I was reading a post about how drinking just keeps us stuck in a circle going around and around never really making it past (or through) the emotions.
Keep it up!
I think of my own relationship with my daughter and I cry when I know she has said out loud to her dad "I just wish mom wouldn't drink". If I fall asleep while watching TV with her, she was double checking to see if I was "passed out" and really worried that something might be wrong (like the night they called 911 when I didn't respond to them).
As "good" as I tried to be during those times and could sometime pull off "controlling" how much I drank, I wasn't "myself" and in control. I was never mean or bad, but I wasn't always "me".
I think kids need to feel safe. They want to feel that we are steady and reliable. This will come in time with all of your kids I believe. I know I've already felt a difference with my daughter.
It will take them time to see you being authentic and consistent and trust that it is going to last...but they want to love you. They will come around with time!
It's so great that you are posting all of this and moving through these emotions. I was reading a post about how drinking just keeps us stuck in a circle going around and around never really making it past (or through) the emotions.
Keep it up!
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Good night OT
Thanks Aj. I really value yours and everyone here's perspective on the situation. It's tough. No contact with my daughter means it's impossible to repair bonds right now. But patience and time and keeping on my path are the plan. I'm glad I have your guys understanding and support. I'm working really hard on not being selfish and striving towards building a stronger relationship with my kids for the future.
Thanks Aj. I really value yours and everyone here's perspective on the situation. It's tough. No contact with my daughter means it's impossible to repair bonds right now. But patience and time and keeping on my path are the plan. I'm glad I have your guys understanding and support. I'm working really hard on not being selfish and striving towards building a stronger relationship with my kids for the future.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Where the Honey is
Posts: 728
Hello All. Checking in. Tree pollen is killing me. Day 56
Nice to see you back Co3
Del. Try and find a way to stop ruminating. That process seems to get you way down. Family issues are tough though and terribly personal. Stay the course and show them who you are.
I still can't focus or concentrate sometimes. It concerns me.
Nice to see you back Co3
Del. Try and find a way to stop ruminating. That process seems to get you way down. Family issues are tough though and terribly personal. Stay the course and show them who you are.
I still can't focus or concentrate sometimes. It concerns me.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
I was wondering where he of the flaming hair was
It's a difficult process to stop the mind tail-chasing. I have to rehash so much crap for my lawyer that it's just straight up awful. So lawyer stuff... a missed birthday, a misguided text, and easter without big kids has just turned into a big frikken trigger for me.
But. Today is a better day.
Are you guys starting to see green there? We are still melting snow here so very muddy and icy at nights.
It's a difficult process to stop the mind tail-chasing. I have to rehash so much crap for my lawyer that it's just straight up awful. So lawyer stuff... a missed birthday, a misguided text, and easter without big kids has just turned into a big frikken trigger for me.
But. Today is a better day.
Are you guys starting to see green there? We are still melting snow here so very muddy and icy at nights.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Where the Honey is
Posts: 728
Originally Posted by Leezer
I'm beaming with pride at my 30 days. Thanks so much for the support. Hope everyone is having a great day. I feel REALLY different at 30 days. Can't wait to continue, this time, for a LIFETIME of sobriety. I'm in 100%.
Be good to yourselves,
Lee
Be good to yourselves,
Lee
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Where the Honey is
Posts: 728
Yeah. The hair was smoking some today but no flame thankfully. I get caught in downward spiral thinking too and I hate it. I have worked hard to realize when it is happening and to try and stop. It does not do a person good to simply rehash old stuff over and over. Best to move forward and live in the moment.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: California
Posts: 1,428
Originally Posted by JL2014
Psychic vampires,
Amen. Let em go on.
Amen. Let em go on.
Also fired a narcissistic gossiping long time friend. I'm turning into a real introvert ( which is my safety zone anyway). These people can be triggers, have to stay away from them Doodles.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 508
Del so glad you made it home and were strong! I knew you could do it! Sorry for forgetting we are on the same day Apple. Great work! Welcome back Coco. I feel exactly the way you do Lee. All those benefits and like its going to stick this time. JL baths and less ibuprefen is very healthy. I went to the drs today. No word on my iron levels yet but my platelets are up! Yeah! Not where they used to be still but I figure it will take time. Most people have 150,000-300,000. I usually have 70,000 but they are giant shaped (May Hegglins Anomoly) and work really good. I was down to 44,000 and 42,000. Now I'm up to 50,000. Getting there! Long stressful day here. I need to get some relaxing activities going myself. Hmmm what kind of delicious dessert can I make this weekend? I was thinking one of those lava cakes? Where the chocolate pours out from the center....
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