Class of April 2015 Part 5
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Spain
Posts: 2,004
Just thought I'd share here what a guy just posted about a recent relapse. In a selfish way (though I'm really sorry for the guy), it has totally motivated me to never touch another drop. I guess it's because I can so easily see myself in a scenario like this...
Anyway, this is it:
Yup, still an alcoholic. Definitely insanity, I tested out if I am still an alcoholic. Surprise, surprise, I still am. It started as in the old days. Sneaking around late at night, watching a movie by myself. I planned ahead of time that I was going to drink. It started out as, "oh, just have two beers. It will taste great and will go great with the movie." The beers did taste good, but they just didn't hit the spot. "So, let's drink a little Vodka. Nobody will know. It will really feel great. And besides, you have been so good lately, you should treat yourself." Two more progressively stronger Vodka drinks, I'm **** drunk. Now at some point, my wife comes down stairs. She quickly realizes that I'm drunk. An argument soon ensues. The conversation starts out as, "you couldn't even make it thirty days sober!" Obviously, this didn't end well. Of course, drunk me says some regrettable things to her. Eventually I decide to sleep in the downstairs room to sleep it off. Next morning, I am woken up by my family. The realization of the previous nights events become painfully clear as the dreaded hangover welcomes me, as if to say, "remember me old buddy, I'm back". This hangover was epic with pounding headache, head spins, and nausea. That wasn't even the best part. The flood of guilt and shame of getting back on the drink and regretting what I said to my wife.
I listened to my AV again. It sucks, but I am not giving up. I had stayed sober for 26 days. I learned some valuable things. First and most importantly, life is better sober. Second, I do have the will power to stay clean even when there is a lot of social pressure to drink. Third, I am definitely an alcoholic.
Anyway, this is it:
Yup, still an alcoholic. Definitely insanity, I tested out if I am still an alcoholic. Surprise, surprise, I still am. It started as in the old days. Sneaking around late at night, watching a movie by myself. I planned ahead of time that I was going to drink. It started out as, "oh, just have two beers. It will taste great and will go great with the movie." The beers did taste good, but they just didn't hit the spot. "So, let's drink a little Vodka. Nobody will know. It will really feel great. And besides, you have been so good lately, you should treat yourself." Two more progressively stronger Vodka drinks, I'm **** drunk. Now at some point, my wife comes down stairs. She quickly realizes that I'm drunk. An argument soon ensues. The conversation starts out as, "you couldn't even make it thirty days sober!" Obviously, this didn't end well. Of course, drunk me says some regrettable things to her. Eventually I decide to sleep in the downstairs room to sleep it off. Next morning, I am woken up by my family. The realization of the previous nights events become painfully clear as the dreaded hangover welcomes me, as if to say, "remember me old buddy, I'm back". This hangover was epic with pounding headache, head spins, and nausea. That wasn't even the best part. The flood of guilt and shame of getting back on the drink and regretting what I said to my wife.
I listened to my AV again. It sucks, but I am not giving up. I had stayed sober for 26 days. I learned some valuable things. First and most importantly, life is better sober. Second, I do have the will power to stay clean even when there is a lot of social pressure to drink. Third, I am definitely an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
Thanks for sharing the story AMP. Sounds like what would happen to me. One or two beers wouldn't feel like enough, move to liquor till drunk, wake up feeling absolutely horrible....physically and mentally.
Good for you Can!
Have a great day roomies.
None for me today
Good for you Can!
Have a great day roomies.
None for me today
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
Was just reflecting that I was adding rum or vodka to my morning coffee for a good while towards the end of my escalating drunkeness.
All I could think was EWE!!
There were days I'd drink a big gulp right from the bottle before I added it to coffee. YUK!!
All I could think was EWE!!
There were days I'd drink a big gulp right from the bottle before I added it to coffee. YUK!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 691
It's 11:10 here, so I've been up for a while!
The sun is over here now Zab, and it's gorgeous today, thanks for sending it over here!
I am getting some paper work done before I head outside to finish the grass cutting, I think the skunk is gone now, so I can finish the ditch.
The sun is over here now Zab, and it's gorgeous today, thanks for sending it over here!
I am getting some paper work done before I head outside to finish the grass cutting, I think the skunk is gone now, so I can finish the ditch.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 691
Originally Posted by ZaBoozer 
Have the laggers caught up yet? 
Sun is sinking this side of the world. 
You all get to start the day. Have a good one.
Sun is sinking this side of the world. 
You all get to start the day. Have a good one.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa
Posts: 1,371
Cauliflower and Lily - my day is not over - early evening. I am using my nespreso machine for the first time in ages. Just made a brilliant cappuccino, with foam and cinnamon. 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 560
Hi, checking in a bit late but seems everyone is having a good day. I liked (if that's the right word) Amp's post of the relapse scenario because that's my thinking right now. Since I haven't drunk for a good while I'm asking myself if I really would go back to how I was (because I haven't stopped for any length of time before). I understand Dee's point about abstinence and control, but how do you know?
Cauliflower made a comment about smoking maybe being the same as drinking in terms of giving up. For me at least it's not, unfortunately. For me alcohol is an integral part of my business life. For example, I just sent an email to someone to arrange lunch and the reply came back that post work beers would be better. Now it's nice that this person wants to socialise with me and of course at helps on the business side but he won't want to if there's no alcohol involved for me. Now that's in a way his problem and not mine but it sort of is, because it's business. Of course I can deal with this etc. but the reality is that I'm finding that effective participation in business and to some degree social life is much more difficult beyond the short term, not because I am craving a drink but because of the role played by alcohol in our daily lives. So I am wondering if I need to have a go at drinking in moderation after having reset my clock so to speak.
I'm not down about this but this is the reality I wanted to share.
OMD
Cauliflower made a comment about smoking maybe being the same as drinking in terms of giving up. For me at least it's not, unfortunately. For me alcohol is an integral part of my business life. For example, I just sent an email to someone to arrange lunch and the reply came back that post work beers would be better. Now it's nice that this person wants to socialise with me and of course at helps on the business side but he won't want to if there's no alcohol involved for me. Now that's in a way his problem and not mine but it sort of is, because it's business. Of course I can deal with this etc. but the reality is that I'm finding that effective participation in business and to some degree social life is much more difficult beyond the short term, not because I am craving a drink but because of the role played by alcohol in our daily lives. So I am wondering if I need to have a go at drinking in moderation after having reset my clock so to speak.
I'm not down about this but this is the reality I wanted to share.
OMD
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa
Posts: 1,371
Originally Posted by OMD
Hi, checking in a bit late but seems everyone is having a good day. I liked (if that's the right word) Amp's post of the relapse scenario because that's my thinking right now. Since I haven't drunk for a good while I'm asking myself if I really would go back to how I was (because I haven't stopped for any length of time before). I understand Dee's point about abstinence and control, but how do you know?
Cauliflower made a comment about smoking maybe being the same as drinking in terms of giving up. For me at least it's not, unfortunately. For me alcohol is an integral part of my business life. For example, I just sent an email to someone to arrange lunch and the reply came back that post work beers would be better. Now it's nice that this person wants to socialise with me and of course at helps on the business side but he won't want to if there's no alcohol involved for me. Now that's in a way his problem and not mine but it sort of is, because it's business. Of course I can deal with this etc. but the reality is that I'm finding that effective participation in business and to some degree social life is much more difficult beyond the short term, not because I am craving a drink but because of the role played by alcohol in our daily lives. So I am wondering if I need to have a go at drinking in moderation after having reset my clock so to speak.
I'm not down about this but this is the reality I wanted to share.
OMD
Cauliflower made a comment about smoking maybe being the same as drinking in terms of giving up. For me at least it's not, unfortunately. For me alcohol is an integral part of my business life. For example, I just sent an email to someone to arrange lunch and the reply came back that post work beers would be better. Now it's nice that this person wants to socialise with me and of course at helps on the business side but he won't want to if there's no alcohol involved for me. Now that's in a way his problem and not mine but it sort of is, because it's business. Of course I can deal with this etc. but the reality is that I'm finding that effective participation in business and to some degree social life is much more difficult beyond the short term, not because I am craving a drink but because of the role played by alcohol in our daily lives. So I am wondering if I need to have a go at drinking in moderation after having reset my clock so to speak.
I'm not down about this but this is the reality I wanted to share.
OMD
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Spain
Posts: 2,004
Hey OMD. I tried moderation and failed after a six week sober streak last summer. It took me 8 months to get back to day one as my drinking built up again slowly and I went back into denial.
I have business relationships that are based on the camaraderie of the bar. I've told a few of these people that I have to watch my step with my blood pressure on doctor's orders. This has given me some respite and I hope they'll start getting used to "the new me".
Are you sure this isn't just AV setting you up? Think about it long and hard and remember the reasons you took action in the first place.
All the best, mate!
I have business relationships that are based on the camaraderie of the bar. I've told a few of these people that I have to watch my step with my blood pressure on doctor's orders. This has given me some respite and I hope they'll start getting used to "the new me".
Are you sure this isn't just AV setting you up? Think about it long and hard and remember the reasons you took action in the first place.
All the best, mate!
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,174
Further to OMD's post re alcohol in the business and social scenarios. Last night I had to attend a work farewell dinner, out of hours, not in the workplace. The entire evening the table was dominated by one individual, the most recent arrival and, sure, we're all aware the guy is socially adept and articulate etc. but this was over the top. He'd started drinking by the time I arrived. Continued throughout the dinner and was kicking on as I left.
Guy got progressively louder as the evening wound tediously on. Just totally dominated the occasion, turned it into his own booze fuelled performance. Yet you couldn't say that it was discouraged.....it was boozed up dominant male behaviour which was implicitly encouraged in what was a work environment......which rewards the behaviour effectively. This is common.
amp: I'm assuming I'm the 'guy' with the sad recent relapse post. Forgive me if I'm assuming wrongly. But there was no 'relapse'......I / he chose, my choice. Not something to feel pity about. I've never kidded myself about moderation, never liked it. I liked drunkenness and organised life accordingly. What I'm learning here is that I can make another kind of choice if I wish.
I did last night.
Have a good day all.....catch you at the other end of it.
Guy got progressively louder as the evening wound tediously on. Just totally dominated the occasion, turned it into his own booze fuelled performance. Yet you couldn't say that it was discouraged.....it was boozed up dominant male behaviour which was implicitly encouraged in what was a work environment......which rewards the behaviour effectively. This is common.
amp: I'm assuming I'm the 'guy' with the sad recent relapse post. Forgive me if I'm assuming wrongly. But there was no 'relapse'......I / he chose, my choice. Not something to feel pity about. I've never kidded myself about moderation, never liked it. I liked drunkenness and organised life accordingly. What I'm learning here is that I can make another kind of choice if I wish.
I did last night.
Have a good day all.....catch you at the other end of it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Spain
Posts: 2,004
Originally Posted by canguy
Further to OMD's post re alcohol in the business and social scenarios. Last night I had to attend a work farewell dinner, out of hours, not in the workplace. The entire evening the table was dominated by one individual, the most recent arrival and, sure, we're all aware the guy is socially adept and articulate etc. but this was over the top. He'd started drinking by the time I arrived. Continued throughout the dinner and was kicking on as I left. Guy got progressively louder as the evening wound tediously on. Just totally dominated the occasion, turned it into his own booze fuelled performance. Yet you couldn't say that it was discouraged.....it was boozed up dominant male behaviour which was implicitly encouraged in what was a work environment......which rewards the behaviour effectively. This is common. amp: I'm assuming I'm the 'guy' with the sad recent relapse post. Forgive me if I'm assuming wrongly. But there was no 'relapse'......I / he chose, my choice. Not something to feel pity about. I've never kidded myself about moderation, never liked it. I liked drunkenness and organised life accordingly. What I'm learning here is that I can make another kind of choice if I wish. I did last night. Have a good day all.....catch you at the other end of it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 563
OMD, thank you for sharing. Have you ever been able to drink in moderation before? I have tried it. Or been in situations where only one or two drinks is available to me. But you know what always happens? Having one drink makes me anxious. It makes me want more. I don't think this happens to non-alcoholics. They appear to be able to "relax" when having a drink. Do you relax when you have one or two drinks? Sounds like you're willing to play with fire OMD.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 691
Originally Posted by OMD
Hi, checking in a bit late but seems everyone is having a good day. I liked (if that's the right word) Amp's post of the relapse scenario because that's my thinking right now. Since I haven't drunk for a good while I'm asking myself if I really would go back to how I was (because I haven't stopped for any length of time before). I understand Dee's point about abstinence and control, but how do you know?
Cauliflower made a comment about smoking maybe being the same as drinking in terms of giving up. For me at least it's not, unfortunately. For me alcohol is an integral part of my business life. For example, I just sent an email to someone to arrange lunch and the reply came back that post work beers would be better. Now it's nice that this person wants to socialise with me and of course at helps on the business side but he won't want to if there's no alcohol involved for me. Now that's in a way his problem and not mine but it sort of is, because it's business. Of course I can deal with this etc. but the reality is that I'm finding that effective participation in business and to some degree social life is much more difficult beyond the short term, not because I am craving a drink but because of the role played by alcohol in our daily lives. So I am wondering if I need to have a go at drinking in moderation after having reset my clock so to speak.
I'm not down about this but this is the reality I wanted to share.
OMD
Cauliflower made a comment about smoking maybe being the same as drinking in terms of giving up. For me at least it's not, unfortunately. For me alcohol is an integral part of my business life. For example, I just sent an email to someone to arrange lunch and the reply came back that post work beers would be better. Now it's nice that this person wants to socialise with me and of course at helps on the business side but he won't want to if there's no alcohol involved for me. Now that's in a way his problem and not mine but it sort of is, because it's business. Of course I can deal with this etc. but the reality is that I'm finding that effective participation in business and to some degree social life is much more difficult beyond the short term, not because I am craving a drink but because of the role played by alcohol in our daily lives. So I am wondering if I need to have a go at drinking in moderation after having reset my clock so to speak.
I'm not down about this but this is the reality I wanted to share.
OMD
1) Quitting smoking and quitting alcohol have to start with a commitment to never smoke or drink again. If we don`t accept this, we fall out of the 5% group, the group of long term quitters. So in regards to alcohol, I am made that commitment. It`s pretty clear to me that I cannot and will not drink again. Smoking, well that scares the begeebers outta me, and in fact, I had a smoke today, two to be honest. So until I make that commitment, I will be a smoker.
2) One of the signs of relapse is believing that your cured.
One of our members said this:
So what’s the next goal?
How many more days?
When can I have a little test to see if I can control it?
I don’t know the answer to these questions.
I do know that I cannot control it now.
So for now, I cannot have that first drink.
Will I ever be able to control it? I don’t know.
As long as I don’t know, I cannot have that first drink.”
Don`t test the waters, because you have no idea what will happen*. Chances are you will fall right back to where you were, and you don`t want to be there. How do I know? Because you are here now!
I decided to let my personal business go for now. I have not attended any business related meetings because they always were set in a lounge or someones home with wine being front and center. It's off the table for now, until I can tackle it full on the way it should be tackled, booze free. I know this is probably not a solution for you because it's your only source of income, but at least change your meeting time and venues to meet your own personal needs. Give yourself permission to be selfish this one time.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 1,277
I know this has already been stated in one way or another but real examples are helpful so...
I had 5 months sober last year. At 3 months I decided I did not need SR or any other support measures. At 5 months I decided to drink 3 beers. I remember feeling dizzy and tired. It wasn't even fun. A week or two later I went and had a beer with dinner. Didn't really have any desire to drink otherwise. The next week I went out and had a few more beers. I was back to drinking heavily within a month or so. I told my friends I was drinking but I had cut way back. I would drink with them moderately. When I got home I would drink more and get really wasted by myself. It sneaks back up on you fast.
It's taken me 9 months to once again realize that this is not sustainable. I can not drink alcohol normally and I never will be able to. It is what it is.
Zaboozer you better not forget me on that list
I had 5 months sober last year. At 3 months I decided I did not need SR or any other support measures. At 5 months I decided to drink 3 beers. I remember feeling dizzy and tired. It wasn't even fun. A week or two later I went and had a beer with dinner. Didn't really have any desire to drink otherwise. The next week I went out and had a few more beers. I was back to drinking heavily within a month or so. I told my friends I was drinking but I had cut way back. I would drink with them moderately. When I got home I would drink more and get really wasted by myself. It sneaks back up on you fast.
It's taken me 9 months to once again realize that this is not sustainable. I can not drink alcohol normally and I never will be able to. It is what it is.
Zaboozer you better not forget me on that list
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