One Year and Under Club Part 38
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,536
Oh, Gleefan ~ that sounds very uncomfortable. I really dislike being around people who drink, not bc of the drinking, but bc I can see them changing before my eyes. Nobody in my home drinks, so usually I can just leave the situation. Praying for wisdom for you as you maneuver thru this.
Working-cl*** pseudo tough
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 485
GF, not much to say.
As we all know, until he thinks he has a problem (and you'd be the best judge of if he does or not), there's nothing that can be done for him. These situations remind me of those where one partner quits smoking when the other doesn't. How is the one who quits supposed to stay quit in that environment?
Just remember to focus on yourself, how you are reacting to the situation, and do what you need to protect your sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: PA and Florida
Posts: 4,179
Hi Undies,
Well, Dottie P, some say (not the Fox news propaganda "some say" - I have really heard this said) that recovery is a simple program for complex people.
Gilmer, great advice to Fly. I had this old timer mistakenly take my inventory and assume things that really pissed me off some months back. I came here for feedback and it helped. My recovery growth came when I stopped my need to take his inventory, spoke my peace to him calmly, then let the resentment go.
LS, for me things have for sure got better. Then again, there are days when things are not that good at all. Having a tool box (ex: your poem) as a routine sounds like a pretty good idea. Thanks for your words on HOPE!
Glee I love how powerful and concise you write and make your points. I worked with this guy in the late 70's that had spent a decade with IBM. He told me that one of their corporate sayings was, "Just net it out for me"...now that is way beyond my abilities. Then again, just saying I wish I was in Alaska for a couple hours could mean many different things to different people.
Toots, I wish I was in Boston today.
Zero, loved that post! My guess is that there are many tangible takeaways that will spring from a positive mindfulness. I can tell myself all day long that this is going to be a good day, but it's my actions that ultimately hold the key. Wow, and just like you, logic was cast aside to keep me on this side of the grass. No idea why? Some days I just need to get beyond why and just do something, then that in and of itself is why. The icing can be if that something leads to peace and serenity.
Cam, womp, womp.
Drake, glad to read your rant. Haha, it didn't cost a dime, cause any regret, wake up in your bed, wreck your car, squeeze your head, rumble your stomach, cause you to drunk dial, ...oh, I could go on. Just think, today you can get started on solutions again with a clear head. Good show yesterday and good luck today, my friend.
Oh Toots, I wish I was in Boston because I would ask you and hubby to join me as my PITT PANTHERS kick some BC behind tonight at Alumni Stadium. Yes, that would have been priceless!
I have no big plans for today. My gang is golfing someplace that picking me up made little sense. However, I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I will put at least two hours in on a presentation and take a long bike ride. With any luck, I'll find some peace and serenity in that. If not, it will just have to be that I am one day closer to driving again.
North, where are you?
As for booze or drugs today...no mas!
Carlos xx
EDIT - ((Glee)), just read your last post. I am so sorry that you are feeling down! For me, there are just some days in recovery that the biggest blessing is that I didn't pick up. If I do that then there is always a chance for something positive. Our real growth in sobriety happens during the challenging times. I will be thinking about you.
Well, Dottie P, some say (not the Fox news propaganda "some say" - I have really heard this said) that recovery is a simple program for complex people.
Gilmer, great advice to Fly. I had this old timer mistakenly take my inventory and assume things that really pissed me off some months back. I came here for feedback and it helped. My recovery growth came when I stopped my need to take his inventory, spoke my peace to him calmly, then let the resentment go.
LS, for me things have for sure got better. Then again, there are days when things are not that good at all. Having a tool box (ex: your poem) as a routine sounds like a pretty good idea. Thanks for your words on HOPE!
Glee I love how powerful and concise you write and make your points. I worked with this guy in the late 70's that had spent a decade with IBM. He told me that one of their corporate sayings was, "Just net it out for me"...now that is way beyond my abilities. Then again, just saying I wish I was in Alaska for a couple hours could mean many different things to different people.
Toots, I wish I was in Boston today.
Zero, loved that post! My guess is that there are many tangible takeaways that will spring from a positive mindfulness. I can tell myself all day long that this is going to be a good day, but it's my actions that ultimately hold the key. Wow, and just like you, logic was cast aside to keep me on this side of the grass. No idea why? Some days I just need to get beyond why and just do something, then that in and of itself is why. The icing can be if that something leads to peace and serenity.
Cam, womp, womp.
Drake, glad to read your rant. Haha, it didn't cost a dime, cause any regret, wake up in your bed, wreck your car, squeeze your head, rumble your stomach, cause you to drunk dial, ...oh, I could go on. Just think, today you can get started on solutions again with a clear head. Good show yesterday and good luck today, my friend.
Oh Toots, I wish I was in Boston because I would ask you and hubby to join me as my PITT PANTHERS kick some BC behind tonight at Alumni Stadium. Yes, that would have been priceless!
I have no big plans for today. My gang is golfing someplace that picking me up made little sense. However, I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I will put at least two hours in on a presentation and take a long bike ride. With any luck, I'll find some peace and serenity in that. If not, it will just have to be that I am one day closer to driving again.
North, where are you?
As for booze or drugs today...no mas!
Carlos xx
EDIT - ((Glee)), just read your last post. I am so sorry that you are feeling down! For me, there are just some days in recovery that the biggest blessing is that I didn't pick up. If I do that then there is always a chance for something positive. Our real growth in sobriety happens during the challenging times. I will be thinking about you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
(((Glee))), that sounds like a tough situation. From what I've read here, I know that you will get through this, too, in a way that works for you. You show much wisdom and clearheaded thinking. Not everything can be fixed but it can take tincture of time to tease out our feelings and options and figure out what path we want to take.
It's a month for me today and I'm pleased though not getting overconfident as I sometimes have. I'll be picking up my one-month chip this evening :-) and will keep on taking it day-by-day.
It's a month for me today and I'm pleased though not getting overconfident as I sometimes have. I'll be picking up my one-month chip this evening :-) and will keep on taking it day-by-day.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Originally Posted by DrakeCKC 
Oh I also could whine on about the 14 page technical diagram a fiber optic service sent me to wire one of the condo buildings.....
Was just too much to digest.Thank you for listening to my rant.
Had an 85 year old gent in a meeting yesterday speaking in a meaningful manner. His comment was after a lady had ranted about work and how she disliked her circumstances. The older gent spoke up with really sad eyes and said - the only thing worse than not liking what you are doing is not being able to go to work.......Well struck!
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,168
Sass, I know how hard you have worked for your month, including overcoming long term prejudices and personal issues, so enjoy collecting that chip tonight, you deserve it.
Carlos, I remember that old timer and your frustration, I also remember months later you met him again under different circumstances; something which would have been difficult if you had let fly the first time
LS thank you for sharing your gift.
Glee, I'm not sure how you feel about this, but if you were to film one of these evenings such as last night and show it to him when sober, do you think it would force him to confront himself?
As Courage says, and as we all know, until we are ready to confront our alcoholism, we cannot be helped. The best thing I feel that you can do, is to continue working at your own sobriety, building your strength of character, and focussing on what is important for you moving forward in sobriety.
Sparky, staying sober, or quitting smoking when ones partner continues their addiction is difficult, but when we stop something for the right reasons, for ourselves, and it makes us feel better about ourselves, it is doable. I quit smoking when my first husband continued, I knew that I needed to stop for my health, and waiting and hoping for him to was not an option.
Fortunately for me when I took drink off my table, my hubby was happy enough to take it off of his for as long as I needed, to feel confident in my recovery. He would have never drank again if I asked it of him. That is as much a sign of his non-issue with alcohol as his consideration for me. As I say, I know that I am lucky. I count my blessings.
Drake, I'm sure that the Lady O is more solace after a day like today, than any number of cocktails. I am so glad you found your way here to SR, and not just for your sake but for ours too. My world is better for having you in it.
Zero, we are told from an early age we must reach for the moon, we can do whatever we set our minds to, we must be the best we can be. Fact is, a huge percentage of us don't reach our potential, either through not striving, ill fortune, lack of opportunity, or the fact that too many others are also reaching out for the same dream and only so many can attain it.
I never reached my potential, partly because the same person who told me I must aim high, also told me I was a disappointment destined to fail. Foolishly I allowed myself to believe him. I could have gone further with my brains, I could have achieved more with my talent. With desire and determination, I could have made a small but notable mark on a small corner of the world. But ultimately I really don't care. It took me a long time to understand it was me, and my own choices now that were restricting me, and once I realised that, it freed me. I knew I didn't want a career, I didn't want to live to work, I wanted to do something I enjoyed, for as long as I continued to enjoy it, and when it stopped being something I wanted to wake up for, I looked around for something else. We don't all have to reach for the moon, we can't all be boss, what we can all do is find a way of being content with what we are doing.
That line in Sheryl Crows song " Soak up The Sun" epitomises living for me. "It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got" . Life is about being happy with what we have, it is about being realistic in our expectations. It doesn't mean not reaching for the moon, just make sure that if you are going to spend all your time and energy at it, make sure that it's what you really want, and that attaining it will make you happy.
I have a roof over my head, food in my mouth, people in my life whom I love and who love me. I have friends that I consider it a privilege to call friends, who genuinely care about me, about my welfare. I can see the sun, smell the flowers, taste my coffee and hug my grandson. Even the most 'Meh' of days is filled with beauty and joy if we seek it out.
Have a wonderful, grateful sober weekend everyone, smell a flower, smile at a stranger, hold a door open, offer up a seat, kissed your loved ones and tell them what the mean to you, thank them for being in your life.
Carlos, I remember that old timer and your frustration, I also remember months later you met him again under different circumstances; something which would have been difficult if you had let fly the first time
LS thank you for sharing your gift.
Glee, I'm not sure how you feel about this, but if you were to film one of these evenings such as last night and show it to him when sober, do you think it would force him to confront himself?
As Courage says, and as we all know, until we are ready to confront our alcoholism, we cannot be helped. The best thing I feel that you can do, is to continue working at your own sobriety, building your strength of character, and focussing on what is important for you moving forward in sobriety.
Sparky, staying sober, or quitting smoking when ones partner continues their addiction is difficult, but when we stop something for the right reasons, for ourselves, and it makes us feel better about ourselves, it is doable. I quit smoking when my first husband continued, I knew that I needed to stop for my health, and waiting and hoping for him to was not an option.
Fortunately for me when I took drink off my table, my hubby was happy enough to take it off of his for as long as I needed, to feel confident in my recovery. He would have never drank again if I asked it of him. That is as much a sign of his non-issue with alcohol as his consideration for me. As I say, I know that I am lucky. I count my blessings.
Drake, I'm sure that the Lady O is more solace after a day like today, than any number of cocktails. I am so glad you found your way here to SR, and not just for your sake but for ours too. My world is better for having you in it.
Zero, we are told from an early age we must reach for the moon, we can do whatever we set our minds to, we must be the best we can be. Fact is, a huge percentage of us don't reach our potential, either through not striving, ill fortune, lack of opportunity, or the fact that too many others are also reaching out for the same dream and only so many can attain it.
I never reached my potential, partly because the same person who told me I must aim high, also told me I was a disappointment destined to fail. Foolishly I allowed myself to believe him. I could have gone further with my brains, I could have achieved more with my talent. With desire and determination, I could have made a small but notable mark on a small corner of the world. But ultimately I really don't care. It took me a long time to understand it was me, and my own choices now that were restricting me, and once I realised that, it freed me. I knew I didn't want a career, I didn't want to live to work, I wanted to do something I enjoyed, for as long as I continued to enjoy it, and when it stopped being something I wanted to wake up for, I looked around for something else. We don't all have to reach for the moon, we can't all be boss, what we can all do is find a way of being content with what we are doing.
That line in Sheryl Crows song " Soak up The Sun" epitomises living for me. "It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got" . Life is about being happy with what we have, it is about being realistic in our expectations. It doesn't mean not reaching for the moon, just make sure that if you are going to spend all your time and energy at it, make sure that it's what you really want, and that attaining it will make you happy.
I have a roof over my head, food in my mouth, people in my life whom I love and who love me. I have friends that I consider it a privilege to call friends, who genuinely care about me, about my welfare. I can see the sun, smell the flowers, taste my coffee and hug my grandson. Even the most 'Meh' of days is filled with beauty and joy if we seek it out.
Have a wonderful, grateful sober weekend everyone, smell a flower, smile at a stranger, hold a door open, offer up a seat, kissed your loved ones and tell them what the mean to you, thank them for being in your life.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
[QUOTE=Altoids;4880808] I really dislike being around people who drink, not bc of the drinking, but bc I can see them changing before my eyes. QUOTE]
Yes! don't mean to jump in here, but yesterday I ran into a young man ( late 30's - young to me!) who I had not seen in 2-3 years. I worked with him several years back. He still has the same problem I had with the drink.
The noticeable change in him was remarkable. Bloated, poor skin coloration and teeth noticeably worsening. I felt for him....
I am certain others viewed me in the same way. Recently an Aunt of mine I had not seen in awhile ( since stopping drinking) was visiting. She commented immediately that something was different about me - she couldn't quite put her finger on it.....but stated I looked good! She was not really aware of my issues.
Amazing not only to see people change right in front of us but over some time - both good and bad I suppose......
Yes! don't mean to jump in here, but yesterday I ran into a young man ( late 30's - young to me!) who I had not seen in 2-3 years. I worked with him several years back. He still has the same problem I had with the drink.
The noticeable change in him was remarkable. Bloated, poor skin coloration and teeth noticeably worsening. I felt for him....
I am certain others viewed me in the same way. Recently an Aunt of mine I had not seen in awhile ( since stopping drinking) was visiting. She commented immediately that something was different about me - she couldn't quite put her finger on it.....but stated I looked good! She was not really aware of my issues.
Amazing not only to see people change right in front of us but over some time - both good and bad I suppose......
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Originally Posted by tootsl1
I have a roof over my head, food in my mouth, people in my life whom I love and who love me. I have friends that I consider it a privilege to call friends, who genuinely care about me, about my welfare. I can see the sun, smell the flowers, taste my coffee and hug my grandson. Even the most 'Meh' of days is filled with beauty and joy if we seek it out.
Have a wonderful, grateful sober weekend everyone, smell a flower, smile at a stranger, hold a door open, offer up a seat, kissed your loved ones and tell them what the mean to you, thank them for being in your life.
Have a wonderful, grateful sober weekend everyone, smell a flower, smile at a stranger, hold a door open, offer up a seat, kissed your loved ones and tell them what the mean to you, thank them for being in your life.
I asked God for strength, that I might achieve. i was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey...
I asked God for health, that I might do great things. I was given infirmity, that I might do better things..
I asked for riches, that I might be happy. I was given poverty, that I might be wise..
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men. I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God..
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life. I was given life, that I might enjoy all things..
I got nothing I asked for---but everything I had hoped for.
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.
I am, among men, most richly blessed!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 261
Originally Posted by Flynbuy
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.
I shared my following post in the 24 hr Connections thread. It was another one of my little breakthroughs, so I just wanted to share here too.
I'm feeling sad lately. For me, I think I've got an over-sensitive, over-empathetic personality. People in good moods and attitudes, bring me up. The opposite is true. I'll get, just as easily, pulled down, by others' sadness or bad moods.
I guess, for me, it's a "character defect", in that it has me letting people or things, effect my mood. That's what the chemical was about, for me. I'm working on it. I need to focus on my own moods and attitudes inside, not others.
Thanks for letting me share. Love you guys.
peace.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,536
I have a roof over my head, food in my mouth, people in my life whom I love and who love me. I have friends that I consider it a privilege to call friends, who genuinely care about me, about my welfare. I can see the sun, smell the flowers, taste my coffee and hug my grandson. Even the most 'Meh' of days is filled with beauty and joy if we seek it out.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Originally Posted by Gilmer
Great poem, LS. I'm glad you posted it.
Congratulations on 60, Ccam.
Flynbuy, being publicly "put in my place" when I had never done anything wrong would really steam me, too. The unjust accusation plus public humiliation would really combine to form wild anger in me.
I am glad that you came here to vent. I think you've gotten a lot of good feedback. Have you cooled off enough to be able to approach this guy and explain that you were asked to volunteer by your sponsor?
It is always good to be humble. Model the behavior for this guy.
He needs to realize the truth of the situation (you were asked to lead); you have a lot to offer--and will have more and more to offer as the months go by. It would be doing yourself, him, and the group a disservice to allow his assumption to go uncorrected.
You are a stand-up guy. Show him by not treating him the way he treated you. You don't have to pay him homage or kiss his butt--just gently set him straight about your motivation and rationale for stepping forward.
Congratulations on 60, Ccam.
Flynbuy, being publicly "put in my place" when I had never done anything wrong would really steam me, too. The unjust accusation plus public humiliation would really combine to form wild anger in me.
I am glad that you came here to vent. I think you've gotten a lot of good feedback. Have you cooled off enough to be able to approach this guy and explain that you were asked to volunteer by your sponsor?
It is always good to be humble. Model the behavior for this guy.
He needs to realize the truth of the situation (you were asked to lead); you have a lot to offer--and will have more and more to offer as the months go by. It would be doing yourself, him, and the group a disservice to allow his assumption to go uncorrected.
You are a stand-up guy. Show him by not treating him the way he treated you. You don't have to pay him homage or kiss his butt--just gently set him straight about your motivation and rationale for stepping forward.
I have processed why I was angry - lots of room for me to keep growing !
I will speak with the gent is casual conversation when the time is right about what transpired. It is a non issue now and I am greatful to have learned I have some rudimentary tools to deal with life's little issues.
Man, really sensitive in early sobriety!
Thanks for your reply and ALL OTHERS who took the time to read my venting. Incredible people here on SR!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 2,294
Went to dinner tonight with my friend Gerry who is a great inspiration and a long time friend. Gerry has been sober so long he has to stop and think about it. He has been sober 33 years, 34 in October. The place was packed and they offered us a place in the bar area. I certainly felt safe going there with Gerry along! Had no temptation at all.
While there ran in to two women I had not seen in ages. "What have you done?" said Mary, "you look great!". In the past I would have said "Nothing, just same old, fat, ugly, pathetic drunk me..." Tonight I said thanks, I have 16 months no drinking and lost around 20 lbs. She gave me a big hug and said "it shows, honey, it shows".
Sobriety has its share of good moments!
Keep on the path Undies....
While there ran in to two women I had not seen in ages. "What have you done?" said Mary, "you look great!". In the past I would have said "Nothing, just same old, fat, ugly, pathetic drunk me..." Tonight I said thanks, I have 16 months no drinking and lost around 20 lbs. She gave me a big hug and said "it shows, honey, it shows".
Sobriety has its share of good moments!
Keep on the path Undies....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Originally Posted by Saskia
(((Glee))), that sounds like a tough situation. From what I've read here, I know that you will get through this, too, in a way that works for you. You show much wisdom and clearheaded thinking. Not everything can be fixed but it can take tincture of time to tease out our feelings and options and figure out what path we want to take.
It's a month for me today and I'm pleased though not getting overconfident as I sometimes have. I'll be picking up my one-month chip this evening :-) and will keep on taking it day-by-day.
It's a month for me today and I'm pleased though not getting overconfident as I sometimes have. I'll be picking up my one-month chip this evening :-) and will keep on taking it day-by-day.
Glee, I know all too well of your delima. I have the same problem, just our roles are reversed. My wife still drinks heavily each night. We used to drink together ever since we met. I love her dearly. I wish she would quit, but I cant force someone who isn't ready. Maybe soon, or not... I just dont know. All I know is that I'm done for good. I can only control me.
Hope everyone sleeps well tonight. So glad I joined this group.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
GF, marriage problems are so tough at the very core of your being! If you believe in your marriage and want to stay in it, one of the few things you can do at this point (and what I have found to be the most helpful) is to unload about it to your HP.
After several minutes of ranting (and maybe crying), you get to the point where you just humbly ask for help and strength. At this point you turn the whole situation over to Him.
For me this looks like dedicating every word, deed, and interaction to God. I offer everything up as an act of service to Him and Him only. (Catholics offer these mini-sacrifices up as prayers for other people's needs--it's called "offering it up").
It puts a pro-active, positive spin on things. You will be the one acting in a positive way, rather than merely reacting when confronted with a mess. The HP gives you the power to do that.
After several minutes of ranting (and maybe crying), you get to the point where you just humbly ask for help and strength. At this point you turn the whole situation over to Him.
For me this looks like dedicating every word, deed, and interaction to God. I offer everything up as an act of service to Him and Him only. (Catholics offer these mini-sacrifices up as prayers for other people's needs--it's called "offering it up").
It puts a pro-active, positive spin on things. You will be the one acting in a positive way, rather than merely reacting when confronted with a mess. The HP gives you the power to do that.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
An update on my own situation: when I initiated my little "courage to change what I can" air-clearing discussion with my husband awhile ago, I ended up not clearing the air at all--in fact, I said something so clumsily that my husband grossly misinterpreted it and believed me to have committed unspeakable acts!
The whole time he was on the anniversary trip and since, he had been carrying this horrible weight--and yet he managed to be civil and even kind! (He was putting the advice I mentioned above into practice and considering others--me--before himself).
When he finally confronted me a couple days ago on the dreadful allegations, I was shocked! All I could say was, "Sorry! I must have really miscommunicated! It's not true!"
I'm such a stutterer and blurter-out f2f that I sent him a short e-mail apologizing and assuring him that I loved him and thoroughly appreciating the magnanimity and wildly Christlike character he had shown me in the past few weeks. I never had a clue of the depth of the pain he was struggling with--and compared with him, I felt sheepish! My concerns seemed petty and selfish!
But I wouldn't have been content unless I had aired them. So I did. And, though, they caused him pain I was totally unaware of, it was more of a blessing than I thought; it made me appreciate him far more deeply than I ever had before, so it ended up being worth the temporary pain for him, too.
At the time one of you all had advised me that I couldn't change others--I could only change myself. That is true! The HP had plans of changing me in an amazing way that I wouldn't have imagined in a million years! I appreciate my husband once and for all!
Now if I could just stop being such a diva in the household...
The whole time he was on the anniversary trip and since, he had been carrying this horrible weight--and yet he managed to be civil and even kind! (He was putting the advice I mentioned above into practice and considering others--me--before himself).
When he finally confronted me a couple days ago on the dreadful allegations, I was shocked! All I could say was, "Sorry! I must have really miscommunicated! It's not true!"
I'm such a stutterer and blurter-out f2f that I sent him a short e-mail apologizing and assuring him that I loved him and thoroughly appreciating the magnanimity and wildly Christlike character he had shown me in the past few weeks. I never had a clue of the depth of the pain he was struggling with--and compared with him, I felt sheepish! My concerns seemed petty and selfish!
But I wouldn't have been content unless I had aired them. So I did. And, though, they caused him pain I was totally unaware of, it was more of a blessing than I thought; it made me appreciate him far more deeply than I ever had before, so it ended up being worth the temporary pain for him, too.
At the time one of you all had advised me that I couldn't change others--I could only change myself. That is true! The HP had plans of changing me in an amazing way that I wouldn't have imagined in a million years! I appreciate my husband once and for all!
Now if I could just stop being such a diva in the household...
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