Ilya

I'm with you kims friend!!

Ilya

I was reviewing my SALT theory and I think it was the A for Awkward.

Damn why can't I learn to live in my own skin?

biminiblue

KimsFriend, I cannot tell you how grateful I am to read this post. Without meetings I don't know if I would have made the change in my heart that has happened. It was a decision I needed to make for myself to sort out the why and the how of my drinking. I've learned so much in AA already and it is so much more than I imagined it would be. It isn't perfect, because there are people in it and none of us are perfect, but it is giving me tools. Phrases and thoughts and mini-prayers to use when I have that thought that a drink would help. It gives me somewhere to go that is safe - where I can decompress for an hour amongst people who understand.

I have to be honest here and say that all the relapses in this thread have been hard to watch/read about. There are people in AA who keep relapsing too. I haven't really formulated how I feel about it - but it isn't my problem to fix so I just watch and think, "Oh, please don't let that happen to me." I DO remember the sleepless nights and the horrible hangovers, the compulsion to get that next fix. I remember driving under the influence and hoping it wasn't going to be my night for the $10,000 traffic stop and a night in jail. It wasn't until I got sober that I started to think about all the families out on the road with little children who I was endangering because I was so selfish. For someone who doesn't like to be told what to do, being a slave to alcohol is baffling. As they say, it is cunning, baffling, powerful.

I want it gone. Today I'm not going to drink. In for another 24.

Discovery14

Wat to go on 41 days Enfin Congrats.

MrFixit63

Slips are bad but you can't let it define your sobriety. For example this time last year I spent the last 6 months drunk sober one or two days this year the last 6 months I've only had 3 or 4 slips and that's a lot better were all closer to our goal we just got to hang on tight and support each other. Like I said earlier it's not easy one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but it's worth it in the end.

calichris

Good morning Marchers. No time right now to catch up on posts but I did see Ilya's. Ilya HUGE hug for you. We are not going anywhere and I hope you are not either we love you no one is perfect. Get right back up and come home to us
Love and hugs to you all Marchers. Super busy here at work (working from home today).
Love you all, Chris

Ilya

Thanks so much guys. I'm right back here with you. It's not a good life this drinking life! It's not a life.

I'm not going to be mad at myself. I'm so turned off by this experience.

Thank you for being here

Ipanema

To Ilya,

I lit a candle for you and prayed a short prayer. Most of us have stumbled in the beginning of trying to stay sober. I am proud of you that you went to work while feeling so ill. I believe this will help you see you deserve to be sober! Think of what you can do for yourself and others while sober.....all the best to you and feel better!! Luv You my fellow Alcoholic and enjoy the Mac and Cheese for me, I'm off carbs as need to lose some lbs. Hope to hear how your day went too...I'm praying you will be much better in a few hours.....Blessings!

PamperingMe

Ilya. Sending lots of support your way.
It's brave you admitted to it and are back. I think that is huge. In the past, when I've had something like what you had happen, I'd lie to myself and others about it out of shame. It takes great strength and courage to post about it.

Wishing you a happy happy day of new beginnings.

KimsFriend

Bimini -
I feel the same way - confused and scared by the number of relapses. I see it in AA too - a beautiful girl that I watched get her 7 month chip 2 weeks ago Sunday sat next to me last night back at Day 1, with her foot in a new cast. She looked so forlorn. So sad and shameful. It hurts me and scares me because I know it can be me.

I try and remember:
We look to those who are still sober because it gives us hope. We look to those who still struggle because it keeps us humble.

And I will repeat your last line:
I want it gone. Today I am not going to drink. In for another 24.

EternalQ

It is kind of simplistic, but I learned this and other tough things ONLY by absolutely refusing to drink. I chanted to myself at times: "EQ, sobriety failure is not an option. Zero tolerance is the only way."

I'm not going to lie, in that it was excruciatingly hard at times. But NOTHING else I did would have made me face so much of my discomfort and pain like not drinking did.

It carved me out, and i learned. I had to. With alcohol removed there is nowhere to run.

And believe it or not that is a good thing. What's important is less about why i drank, and more about what I learn about myself by not drinking.

But that aside, the next best thing one can do if they do drink is to learn from it and the next time prepare for it, and choose a different route. And get back on the path, asap.

Which is what you are doing, and you should feel very proud of that!

KimsFriend

KimsFriend

I don't think that worked.. I was trying to post a video for Ilya but I don't know how. LOL.

biminiblue

This is so well said, thank you.

I'm off to shower and hit my 10AM meeting.

Peace.

EternalQ

In my February 2012 class I was the only person eventually who did not relapse. I was in a bad way when people started to slip. I felt let down and frightened.

But now I see it from a different view. I promised myself to be sober. That was the ultimate betrayal I would face if I drank. And I began to see how painful that was for someone else when they drank. And so the people who quickly returned to try again were taking great risks and great leaps of faith.

I also was afraid at some level that it was contagious. It is not. Relapse is not a part of Recovery for everyone. I was terrified if I drank I would never make it back again. Still am, if I am to be honest. Sometimes that fear is the only thing that kept me sober. So I am going to continue to believe it is true for me. But fortunately for some it is not true. They do come back and they do learn from it and make changes and become sober. And thank goodness they do.

adams

Thank you so much for this post. Obviously these are issues a lot of us here have been facing, and trying to figure out these past several days - certainly I have, anyway. Your words on feeling let down, frightened about what if it's "contagious", and the hope that for some it really could be a relapse-less (at least from our start here in the March SR) process really hit home. Much to think about. Thanks very much.

Peace and grace to all in our group, regardless of how many days your number is at.

Ilya

Hi everyone, just staying close and saying hello! I'm looking forward to not ever having to pretend I'm all right at work when I'm really supremely hung over! Cheers to that

Ilya

I hope if anything that my experience can help the group

Ilya

I hope if anything that my experience can help the group

Aarryckha