Renarde

That's wonderful Brooksie!!!

Dee74

I was the neighbourhood drunk Fishy - unwashed, stumbling, a little stinky...mums would shoo their kids away from me....people crossed the road to avoid me

If I can rehabilitate my reputation from that, I know you can, man

D

MrFixit63

Thank you everybody I feel a lot better I'm glad everybody over here in September is doing good I feel like that Sr is my second chance to get things right in my life this time..

PeanutButterCup

That's so cool, Brooksie!!!! I wish I could read it.

Renarde

So some HR rep just screened me out before any medical people for to look at me. My contact tried to help but HR has ownership. I'm screwed and have to reformulate a new plan entirely. Trying to remind myself I don't need that today. Sitting with this disappointment, frustration, anxiety, depression is really difficult. I find myself trying to escape it. How do normal people do this?

GotGrace

Renarde, personally, I would pray my way through this (probably some really angry, chest-beating kind of prayers) but I don't know what your beliefs are.

If not prayer, maybe journaling? Sometimes when I write things down it really helps crystallize what is on my mind. What I think is bothering me the most turns out to be minor and something else works its way out as I write.

Seems really lousy that HR has that much ownership over something that someone in the clinics would have some real insight into. I am sorry things didn't go better today.

(((Renarde)))

Renarde

Thank you so much Grace. I think you're right. I need to meditate tonight after I get baby to bed. I am trying hard to just let go of this and figure something else out. There is a position at the Children's Hospital that I may be qualified for. I just have to go keep trying.

I honestly am considering coloring my daughters coloring book just to keep busy. That sounds nuts but I love art and almost majored in it. Maybe I should pull out my materials and do a drawing.

Dee74

There must be hundreds of positions you're qualified for tho, Renarde?
why is this one causing you so much angst do you think?

D

Renarde

Sadly there aren't. This is causing me so much angst because it's a stepping stone to a bigger goal, and because they probably hire over 100 people (students) for this - I have spent the last year working toward it and it was dumped in the garbage by an HR person who I believe just arbitrarily went through applications and rejected people in about 24 hrs. I know I would have had a great interview. That's the problem - the HR person screens you but the clinical people are the ones who look at your application and interview you. It's like a mass hiring and I am so so qualified, more than anyone I know. It came as such a shock - my reference heads the program and even she was surprised. It just makes no sense and now I have no idea how to get to my career goals. It really throws everything to a dead stop. I'm totally bewildered.

Renarde

And thanks for asking me

Dee74

Thanks for explaining it a little more - although it seems decidedly odd to me, maybe thats the way it's done?

I hope the Childrens Hospital job comes out better for you

D

Kaneda8888

Renarde

As you are knowledgeable about buddhism and meditation, can I suggest you try a purification practice at the end or beginning of your main meditation. THe one I do every morning is at the tail end of my practice and it only goes for 5 minutes. The purification is to remove all the negative energy from your body and replace with positive energy.

Just to bore you this is how I do it:

Imagine all the positive energy (for yourself and others) as a crystal clear and pure stream, entering the body through your deep inhalations and then spreading all the way to your fingertips. Imagine all the negative energy as noxious smoke exiting from all parts of body through your deep exhalations leaving completely with no trace.

Examples of positive and negative energies I think about are:

Inhale: compassion
Exhale: self-centredness
Inhale: loving kindness
Exhale: bitterness
Inhale: joy
Exhale: sadness
Inhale: happiness
Exhale: resentment
Inhale: calm
Exhale: anxiety
Inhale: serenity
Exhale: depression
Inhale: well being
Exhale: discontent
Inhale: gratitude
Exhale: expectations

You can do it as long as you like. I find it helps me become more mindful and grounded.

Hope it helps !

Stay calm and strong Renarde. There is always tomorrow.

Renarde

Thank you so much Kaneda!!

Renarde

Thank you Dee! It really is odd. I mean I think I just for totally and arbitrarily screwed. I have to try and stay positive.

phoebe64

That sounds very frustrating, Renarde. I walk or exercise of I need to blow off steam, and sometimes, I take some time alone and let myself cry or feel upset, and then I problem solve. I need a plan. So if my plan is not entirely in my control, I tend to have alternate plans. I guess I often plan for the worst, and hope for the best, so that I guard myself from that let down. I hate feeling like I do not have control over my life or plans, so have alternates leaves me with some choice and control. That is how I try to deal with disappointment, if it makes sense.

I understand that you had a plan and it had been changed. But you are a top student in a great program, as you have stated before. There have got to be so many options for you.

Kaneda8888

Awesome Br00ksie !

Renarde

Thank you so much Rochele. I need to exercise, for sure. I have been dragging myself around for the last two days in exhaustion. Need to get endorphins going.

I am going to try to stop looking at this in frustration and in light of my career and instead try to see this as actually being a needed step ON my path to sobriety and wholeness. I have to learn how to cope with disappointment and depression and frustration without running away and/or becoming self destructive. I was even tempted to cut myself over this, like I used to do - I haven't done that in years and years. I have had some desperate moments where my AV wanted to do anything to escape. I keep thinking of what Grace told me about needing to get through something like this the first time so we can flex that muscle and get to the next level of health, and how Brooksie told me that after numbing emotions for so many years it is going to be uncomfortable. Maybe this is something that I really need to endure and reach out in healthy ways in order to get to the next stage of sobriety.

Thanks again everyone for being there for me.

Dee74

Thanks for showing us again that our faith in you is warranted

D

Renarde

Also, another thing that is a positive here - these circumstances have shown that my husband is now fully invested in and supportive of my sobriety, actively and verbally. He went through a sabotaging phase, a skeptical phase, and finally after a few more phases he is really dedicated to me staying sober. That is so so nice. It really came out. Someone told me "wine helps" on my FB wall and he got mad and said he wanted to yell at them and say "Renarde is an alcoholic and doesn't drink." Wow. This from a man who in 2012 didn't believe me and was hostile about it. There is a trust component there now too that I don't want to betray.

Renarde

That really means a tremendous amount to me, Dee. Thank you