Renarde

You didn't, I'm not saying that. I'm just apologizing if it seems like my questions were repetitive or annoying - I wasn't trying to pester, just trying to understand. That's all. I'm apologizing.

Plenny

Rochele,
I remember when I first started talking about recovery with my husband. We'd have these "serious discussions" where I knew I had to change somehow, and he'd agree to support my decision... Then the next night he'd ask if I wanted a glass of wine. And it was all out the window.
I think he was trying to leave it all up to me and my independent choice, but hellloooooo I had zero control and he was just enabling me. I resented him.
I did finally put my foot down and he doesn't even really drink at home or much outside since I said ENOUGH
BUT getting there wasn't easy. I hated that feeling of thinking I was on one track but he was soooo casual
So annoying

Plenny

Oh additionally, it sounds like he's not hearing you. Extra annoying. Sorry you have to feel voiceless about this
I know your frustration with this has been going on throughout our stretch here.
Whoo that seems like a long time already...

Dee74

Hope Kiddo's alright Renarde.

Rochelle I think it's like you say - you have to get sober for you.

Having a spouse who drinks is difficult but it's not a codebreaker either, if you have the commitment to being who you want to be

D

Tallia

Hope kiddo is okay Renarde xx

Tallia

I drank yesterday Had one of those days a reason not an excuse.

Been stressed out at work and with my dad his latest hobby is electric plug playing I know he's bored and trying to be useful but this last month we have needed new microwave kettle tumble dryer and freezer full of food including turkey because he switched freezer off and back on (I found out via food poisoning) needed an electrician when he blew electric in kitchen and shed or not had engery for yoga or self help let it slip stressed. com

Yesterday up early for dads transfusion the weather was atrocious driving visibility was nil scarey managed to get into work on time just totally drenched you can't get wheelchair out of car or push one with a brolly.

Anyway picked him back up (had a problem put on me then week Monday he has to be tested and if needed transfused on the same day ahhh I can't take time off) dropped him off at home couldn't get car out so thought oh it's fine now easier to walk ha!!!

Given wine has Christmas gift all nicely wrapped thought I take home and give to friend I am meeting Saturday as extra gift.

On way home weather horrible again lots of floods brolly broke and I got a splashed by a lorry going through a puddle even my underwear was ringing..

Anyways on top of this mu ex friend has not paid her rent (another long story I moved in with dad 5 years ago when hubs was still in navy made sence first Tennants moved out friend begged to go in) first year great then she lost her job should have set alarm bells ringing then) so decided she could stay with reduced rent which is already under market value if she took my dad to his appointments) well 4 months ago she decided she didn't want to do hospital visits anymore and would pay the full rent. Fine but she hasn't though can afford spa weekends and trips away. She's now telling people I am trying to make her homeless for Christmas bah!!!! I still got to pay mortgage even though she's paying nothing so I put house under agency

Oh top it all its official I have the prize for worse hubs he his having mlc he wants to leave his job not putting enough years for full pension and with his friend and me if I want to go travel around USA for 5 months like the pair of them did when they were 21.

So i caved yesterday
Rant over lol sorry it's do long

Tallia

Just want to add love my dad to bits he's 83 now and wouldn't want it any other way his latest hobby is polishing much safer, :-)

Dee74

I'm sorry things are so rough Tallia.
It's a lot to deal with on your own, essentially.

Have you ever thought of a recovery group? having people to turn to in a real life sense could help - far better than drinking can, anyway?

D

Tallia

I have met a new friend whose going through similar things with her aunt. In the new year I am going to see about recovery groups xx

Kaneda8888

Tallia

Your day sounded pretty torrid. It seems as if it was only a minor slip so dont be hard on yourself. Yes, do consider a recovery group. Reaching out for help can be difficult but believe me its worth it !

BLKDIESEL

~~~Food for thought ~ Thoughtful Thursday~~~
~~~How Winning Is Done~~~

~~~Note: Good Morning SR... I've been continually sober now for approx. 2 months, had some casual slips (couple of beers slips) end of October and got right back on the journey right after so I didn't chronicle them here in depth. With this relationship situation the 'older self" would have medicated with a binge but the "newer self" is finding different ways to be better though it with the assistance of the "getaway from the problem binge" Proud of myself thus far although my issues are challenging. Now back to the programming have a phenomenal day SR ~~~

~~~The Reality Check~~

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! ~ Sylvester Stallone

~~~Have a Sober December 2 Remember~~~

kellbell123

Tallia, I slipped too right after I lost my job. It happens. But it doesn't have to be all bad. I remember I gained a lot of perspective from my last slip. When I drank last it gave me nothing. I was looking for relief from stress and it did not do that for me. If anything I felt more depressed.
I guess what I'm trying to say is turn this moment of weakness into a strength. Reflect in the moments prior to drinking. I know you had a bad day but were you hungry? Tired? Did drinking help you in any way?

I reflected on these things with my last slip and recognized that drinking gave me nothing. Now when I'm stressed out I make sure to meet my basic needs... Hunger, thirst etc then find another way to decompress... Hot bath, book, movie, scrapbooking.

(((Hugs)))) Tallia. Take care, I'm sending you positive vibes. <3

phoebe64

Thank you. Yeah, I was getting frustrated by the suggestion that my husbands quirky communication skills, or lack thereof, were some fault of my own. He is very set in his way, but not at all argumentative, and is an avoider of conflict. So, it is like Plenny said, I am not being heard. Not for lack of expressing myself. It is like this for other issues we have, like the classic war over the thermostat. I will ask that he leave it alone, because I am freezing. I wear a fleece jacket of some kind in the house at all times and to bed. Yet, he repeatedly turns down the heat. Especially at night.

Stubborn. His mother says it too. She has remarked that he will do things in his own time and has been that way since birth, and including every milestone, lol.

In the big picture, we actually agree on most big things most couples fight about, so we rarely have a need to fight. But very tough to communicate with him, and be heard, when there is a need for conflict or resolution of one. I feel like he is stunted, or affected, by his childhood with that, not trying to be mean or rude. He truly does not see that he is so difficult at times. He has a great job, but hates managing people and avoids management jobs. I am sure it is because he is so uncomfortable with communicating.

It is hard for me. I am a talker, clearly. Glad to be heard here.

phoebe64

THIS! Thank you Plenny.

phoebe64

Tallia, I am so sorry for your challenges. I helped out my dad and then his sister. Dad had dementia, and i eventually had to put him in assisted living then a nursing home. it was such a stressful time. In fact, i still have some financial stuff that is here to do. Ugh. It was a time when I was actually working on trying to get sober, but led to many slips and mild relapses. Some days are so hard, wondering if giving everything you have got to everyone is doing enough for any of them. One person can only do so much.

Big hugs to you,

phoebe64

Thank you Dee. I am always comforted when you say this. I try to view this time and my struggle with sobriety as my journey, not my husband's journey. I need to process his habits with the new way of life I want to lead.

I sometimes see threads in the Newcomer's forum, where some really hardcore recovery members will say 'You have to leave. Your sobriety is number one. Period." Well, yeah, it needs to be number one, but it gets a lot more complicated in a marriage wtih dependant children. It just does. And, we generally get along. He is a great dad, etc...

It is just not that simple. I could walk away in the name of sobriety and get a small apartment and make a life for myself, but at what cost to my children? Some migh tsay, well, they cannot have a drunk for a parent. Well, yeah, I drank too much and got fat and diabetes and fatty liver, but I was not an embarrassment to them, or blacking out, or driving while intoxicated. It never got to that. Everybody's bottom is different. Mine was a health wake up call. Others have more obvious and immediate problems. So, I cannot walk away from my marriage, not yet, anyway, in th ename of sobriety, and disregard that I have children who would be deeply affected by this.

I think a lot about all of these things.

FishnHippy

I stole this from a song but it can be applied often to Sr. The morning after the slip....


We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.



So keep swimming tallia

FishnHippy

OK an AA meeting and then an afternoon of golf. Life is Good

phoebe64

Awesome Fish!

Tallia

Thanks fish and everyone else can laugh about the the soakings today yesterday I just felt the whole world was against me really really bad timing to have received that wine xx