EternalQ

Dragon: Everytime you power through like that you teach your AV that it is not your Master.. Imagine what you teach it if you give in and do what it wants?

I always thought I will NOT be a slave again. Good job going on SR. I let SR be my Master when I feared I'd let alcobol take over. A craving doesn't last. But the feeling of self mastery and self esteem you get when you stay sobed, does.

Croissant

I have a similar event this weekend and am on day 26. I hope I'm not lying to myself, but I feel so good at the moment, I'm actually looking forward to being the only one not drinking, not having to worry if I have too much, embarrass myself in mixed company, wonder how I got home with my keys phone and wallet still on me, wondering if the late night liquor store will be open so I can grab more drinks on the way home, then write off my whole Sunday in recovery mode.

There were times a week or so back, that I had 'crazy thoughts' briefly, that if I was sober for a month, then the odd event here or there wouldn't hurt ...to drink in company. Then I remind myself, that that is how it started, gradually and that making imaginary deals about 'lines' to draw and I would be ok, are the very reason I can never, ever drink again. Any time I start making imaginary deals, I see crazy town returning...have to stop it!

Sorry to ramble on, but if nothing less I will be sober too on Saturday night, and you won't be alone!

Ladybug2

Wow, EQ, this is so true! What a great way to look at it! I was the same way BEFORE I began drinking - always worrying about the future and having "what if's" about past .... Hmmmm

CaseyW

Day 32 is over. Thank goodness. I worked all day. It went fine during the day but everything was just a bit off last night. Can't put my finger on a reason exactly but nothing was going as planned. Nothing went wrong especially but I just felt like the whole restaurant, including myself, was misfiring on a cylinder last night. I did find out that the manager who hired me will have 10 years of sobriety next month. We had a little talk about recovery. That was cool. Just remembered that I spilt a few drops of beer of me when I was sitting a pint down in front of a guest. I literally almost ran to the kitchen to wash it off of me. Guess I thought it was going to eat through my skin or something.

Day 33 starts now. I have the day off. Going to a noon meeting. Think I'll cook myself a big meal today. Maybe some elaborate pasta dish of some kind.

Ladybug2

Day 19 and AV is just nagging, nagging, nagging this morning. Keep telling it to SHUTUP, but it is still having a tantrum. These are the days I hate - the constant back and forth. Do I or don't I? I know what will happen if I do and it won't be worth that 1 hour of ahhhh. So today I won't, but it might be an minute by minute, hour by hour type of day

Hope everyone else is feeling strong and having a good day!

resolute50

I'm on day 25.
I've been feeling pretty good this last week.
Very clear head at work.This helps when working with prototype machinery.
Hard to be an ideas guy when your brain is all fogged up.

Had a couple issues arise at work and was able to quickly access the situation and come up with a fix.I'm not watching the clock anymore and being more proactive.

AV only bothers me on the way home from work and weekends.

Leshar

Hi Croissant

Thanks for your post. I identified with it, especially this part:

I've tried that quite a few times over the last 6 years or so, always ended up back where I began, and depression worsened over time.
Good luck with your week-end event.

Ladybug,

Hang in there! Sounds like you're struggling a bit, but you're strong, you can kick that AV to the curb!

I'm not having a good day, don't really know why, just a pervasive feeling of unease, lonely, went to a yoga class this am, but the teacher wasn't very good, but I rode my bike there, so I got some exercise, pushed myself.

I'm coming to understand in my decrepitude, that just because I'm not drinking, life isn't going to be a bed of roses all the time, sometimes I'm going to feel "off", and I have to just ride it out.

I'm going to just go for a drive now, pick up a plant stand that I bought on a community buy/sell site, it's a nice drive in the country, so that will be pleasant on this sunny afternoon.

hopeful1967

That sounds great. It is nice to here that fun is still available without being drunk. I am hopeful about my sobriety. Starting today. I understand the hungover feeling. I am so tired of it. I am glad you had such a great time.

hopeful1967

I do the same thing telling myself that if I set boundaries I will be ok. Then the next day when I am hungover, feeling worthless, I start the emotional battle in my mind. So, so tired of it. UGH!!!

EternalQ

I found when I quit that I had used drinking to cope with anything by the end. Drinking taught me I didn't have to really try to manage stress in other ways.

For me, I was surprised that I had trained myself to take the easy way out of things. This was not who I thought I was!!

I was surprised I really had stopped using healthier ways to cope and even though I knew healthier ways, it took me awhile to push myself to use them. But once I did it became habit.

LiveLikeGold6

Day 22 here. I'm ready to share about a couple of things. I feel a fog over my sobriety. I should be happy that I am sober, going to my groups everyday, eating healthfully, being a great mom to my boy, and I am but it doesn't end there. I have a lot of constant negative emotions as well surrounding my ex and my family. I really want to be with my ex but as it stands we are not together but still in constant contact and romantic together. I drive myself crazy wondering if he may be talking to someone else, and then coerce myself to talk to a new guy but it's not like i want to or need to. I also have such an attitude with the general public. I don't smile and random people on the street have actually stopped me and said smile, which annoys me lol. I don't like when people even look at me, I'll think in my head, "What the heck are you looking at!?" Idk why I'm like this. In my group I'm learning that all this taking other peoples inventory and keeping a ledger of each perceived wrong is a strategy our AV uses to get us on that slippery slope and eventually back into our addiction.

My treatment is also much different than I thought. I thought it was 4 times a week for an hour. It is 5 days a week for several hours like 9-2 and they said its going to start being all day. That is much more of a time commitment than I wanted because I have school/work etc. But it is showing me how easy it can be to go to an AA meeting everyday.

Blah sorry

dragon12

The start of DAY 28 for me. Yesterday was hard, but today is a new day and I feel so glad that I didn't give in.

Have a good day everyone.

NYCINK

Day 25 and just returned from my first day back at work after being out for a month...was very anxious about what people would think and most of all, how my boss would react. Honestly, I have to remember that most people are wrapped up in their own stuff so even if they were wondering why I just vanished for a month or gossiped about it, they move on pretty quickly...
When my boss arrived, he stuck out his hand and then gave me a big hug which meant the world to me. There is no going back now; I have told him that I am recovering from alcohol so I am Out to him...
I never want to feel the anguish I felt this morning before work wondering how the day was going to unfold...and I don't have to as long as I don't drink or use drugs one day at a time.
Am so relieved to be sober again....

have a great evening everyone...

misterritter

NYCINK, I hear you about that feeling of returning to work, or anywhere else, after a bunch of drinking. I felt so guilty and ashamed and was sure everyone else was judging me that way too. Remembering that feeling definitely helps me not drink.

This is the end of day 39, i finally counted the actual number. It feels like forever ago though. Those thoughts of a binge keep coming up though. I don't want a beer or two at dinner, the thought does nothing for me. I want a bunch for breakfast. oh well, that would be bad............

Good luck to everyone else as we keep walking on this path.

a final thought. I do not want to drink to manage stress. My life, all things considered, is going great right now. It's the thinking about drinking that is causing the stress

EternalQ

NYC I'm so happy that your boss was so warm and accepting. What a great thing to have on your side.

LiveLikeGold6

Yay Nycink! Your right, you have the power to never feel that shame before work again

Congrats on 39 MRitter!

Just got back from the gym, feeling good, time for a homemade cheeseburger on whole wheat with lots of lettuce and tomato!

forabetterlife

Leshar & Ladybug, I am finding too that some days just aren't all that great, and I just have to get through them. Usually by the next day (as long as I don't drink) I feel so much better. I thought of something this morning on my ride to work, which is only about 5 minutes, and pretty much my only time of the day that I am actually ALONE. Anyway, I was feeling so calm and ready for the day, and I thought back to how I felt when I was drinking.

If I was just drinking moderately and not terribly hungover, life was just stagnant. Same old thing everyday- work, drink, not a great night's sleep, sluggish the next day.

If I was really on a roll drinking, then the hangovers would be a nightmare, and life would just be a struggle to get through. The guilt and secrecy over my drinking would consume me and I would feel myself going downhill with no way out.

Sober...Every day is an open opportunity for something good. I feel like am growing, on a journey, doing something good for myself. Thinking of it this way makes me realize that if I did drink today or tomorrow, even 2-3 beers, I would lose this feeling of growth and clarity with that first sip.

Misteritter...you are right! The most stress I have in my life and in my mind right now is thinking about drinking..will I or won't I? Not all the time, but enough to keep me slightly anxious and on edge a few times through the day. It's a matter of not trusting myself. Hopefully this will go away down the road for us.

Looking forward to my cozy bed on this stormy night. Day 33. Keep it up everyone, you are all doing great

Humbug

Day 42 and I quit on 7/9/13 just one day at a time.

EternalQ

Wow Humbug. 42 days,, that's terrific.
Are you doing anything differently from the past that you can share?

Humbug

Just taking one day at a time that is about it, the more days that go by the more I lose count on how many days it took me a while to figure out what day it was.